18 yr. olds... children/adults?

[Tim Rutledge]

18 yr. olds... children or adults?

I have an 18 yr. old son giving me fits.

I feel I should NEVER make my son leave our home, but it's getting close.

[AmazingGrace]

Ok been there done that... oh nevermind may I pm you?

[Tim Rutledge]

Ok been there done that... oh nevermind may I pm you?

yes.

[Timmy]

I'm 53. Still give my parents fits, from 1500 miles away! :woot

[Timmy]

I'm 53. Still give my parents fits, from 1500 miles away! :woot

But seriously, I know how it goes, and I feel for ya. All our kids have given us various types of "fits" at around that age, and our youngest just turned 18!

[AmazingGrace]

yes.

Sent :)

[Rhoni]

18 yr. olds... children or adults?

I have an 18 yr. old son giving me fits.

I feel I should NEVER make my son leave our home, but it's getting close.

America is the only nation in the world that allows a time of adolesence. Maturity is individual and it corresponds to the amount of responsibility they have been given and how they handle it. It appears that men mature later than women that is why car insurance is higher for males than females.

If your son wants to be treated like an adult...let him take on the responsibilities of an adult.

Blessings,
Rhoni

[Sister Alvear]

lol...raised a lot of kids...yes they wanted adult privileges but most did not want adult responsibilities but we made it through it..

[HappyTown]

18 yr. olds... children or adults?

I have an 18 yr. old son giving me fits.

I feel I should NEVER make my son leave our home, but it's getting close.

Our household rules have always been, as long as you live under our roof and we support you, you obey our house rules.

Age does not play a factor, if one is truly an adult they'll have their own place, pay their own bills, etc, then they can make their own rules! Until then, if they are being support by daddy and mommy, they obey our house rules...;)

We have three young adults, we've set up guide lines, when they turned 18 they must have a job, after a year they'll pay rent, not a lot. This was to tech responsibility!


Works like this for us

Youngest daughter she 18, she working and going to college. At this time she pays no rent, after a year will charge her 80.00. Her curfew is 11:00 PM on workdays, weekends 1:00AM... Our rules , keep us informed, let us know where your going, or change of plans. Her boyfriend just left for Pensacola Bible College...:(

Daughter 21, she live in a dorm, full time student, plus working part time. We help support. Engaged

Son oldest 23 , still living at home, working full time going to college! Pays rent of 150.00. Son has no curfew, just keep us inform. He normally home, to tired after a long day of work and schooling. Plus he helping us build a homestead, that's another full time job in it's self! Single at this time...;)

The two living at home have chores they do, garbage, pets, cleaning their room, their bathrooms, etc.

Son helps dad with woodcutting, this is a big help. We use 10- 12 cords of wood during the winter months. Any heavy duty stuff, helps out dad and me. Younger daughter helps with cooking and things around the house as well.

We've tired hard to get our kids ready for life on their own and treat them like an adults, the rule is once they leave they can't move back, unless it emergencies , out work, hurt! This way they understand, that when they do move out they are really ready!

If our kids were monsters I know my husband would make em leave, but so far we been blessed with great kids. Like any parents we still help our kids with gas money when they do earns for us...;

[Tim Rutledge]

My parenting skills seem woefully lacking.

Thanks for the input everyone.

[Pro31:28]

America is the only nation in the world that allows a time of adolesence. Maturity is individual and it corresponds to the amount of responsibility they have been given and how they handle it. It appears that men mature later than women that is why car insurance is higher for males than females.

If your son wants to be treated like an adult...let him take on the responsibilities of an adult.

Blessings,
Rhoni

So true, that is why we have 12 year old boys in 35 year-old bodies.

[Rhoni]

My parenting skills seem woefully lacking.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Bro. Rutledge,

Don't be so hard on yourself. None of us get a trial run at parenting. All we have to go on is what we learned from our parents. It is not too late though...go to a mentor in your assembly who has raised a few children and study the word together to help understand God's plan for family hierarchy, ect.

Some parents do the best they can with what they have to work with...and when the child becomes an adult they have no one but themselves to blame if they succeed or fail. Children who don't like the way their parents did it live their whole life trying to prove that they can do it better...and in the face of life's reality find themselves making the same mistakes.

Pray and train is all we can do. If your 18 year old won't abide by house rules...let him/her find their own way...tough love...but if you don't you continue to enable the behavior and they know they can get away with it because they have always gotten away with it.

Praying for you Brother...I am not a perfect parent either but I did my best and now my children are trying to prove they can do it better...they'll find out the same thing you and I found out:)

Blessings, Rhoni

[Rhoni]

So true, that is why we have 12 year old boys in 35 year-old bodies.

Exactly.:friend

[HappyTown]

I'm 53. Still give my parents fits, from 1500 miles away! :woot

Come on Timmy, you can't be pushing more then 12, these days....:ursofunny

[The Mrs]

I think it's important to treat them with the level of respect and freedoms that correspond with their age and maturity. The older my kids get, the more I'm realizing that I can't keep treating them like children and running roughshod over their desires.

There are many times when dealing with them, that I take a step back and think about the respect factor. The more I've respected them, the more they've respected me and the descisions made, and the more they learn and grow instead of coming through a situation with a bad attitude. :winkgrin

Just as when they were children, they have to continually be taught how to deal with their feelings and desires. When they were little we could just say 'No'. Then as they grew we said, 'Not right now, it wouldn't be good for you'. Then the teen years hit and we have to say, 'That's not a good idea, it will not work because of dah-dah-dah-dah-dah'. Now I'm learning as they near the adult mark, I find myself saying more often than not, 'I don't think that's a good idea, what do you think?' in hopes that it is preparing them to think about the consequences themselves and make wise choices when they become adults.

Sorry...I'm just rambling..... :blah

[Timmy]

Come on Timmy, you can't be pushing more then 12, these days....:ursofunny

I only act like it. :toofunny

[HappyTown]

My parenting skills seem woefully lacking.

Thanks for the input everyone.

:friend

Don't be so hard on yourself, kids are a lot hard work. I'll admit if it was not for my hubby being the hard ball, the no person, I'm sure my kids would be monsters....Because I'm way to soft!

[HappyTown]

I think it's important to treat them with the level of respect and freedoms that correspond with their age and maturity. The older my kids get, the more I'm realizing that I can't keep treating them like children and running roughshod over their desires.

There are many times when dealing with them, that I take a step back and think about the respect factor. The more I've respected them, the more they've respected me and the descisions made, and the more they learn and grow instead of coming through a situation with a bad attitude. :winkgrin

Just as when they were children, they have to continually be taught how to deal with their feelings and desires. When they were little we could just say 'No'. Then as they grew we said, 'Not right now, it wouldn't be good for you'. Then the teen years hit and we have to say, 'That's not a good idea, it will not work because of dah-dah-dah-dah-dah'. Now I'm learning as they near the adult mark, I find myself saying more often than not, 'I don't think that's a good idea, what do you think?' in hopes that it is preparing them to think about the consequences themselves and make wise choices when they become adults.

Sorry...I'm just rambling..... :blah

Mrs

So true! My son is an adult, and a responsible one at that. He really should be on his own by now,we all know that, he a man, no longer a boy! He stay on with us due to the fact he knows we need the help, we are getting older, dad has some health issues and no longer can drive and do a lot things he use to. We are in the middle of major building project these last few months.

He has set money aside to build himself a home for the last three years, he has a great job, we have giving him 5 acres of our land to build on, free and clear. We cannot think of a better neighbor to have.

Likewise if our daughters want move onto our land that be great as well, the more the marry.;)

[HappyTown]

I only act like it. :toofunny

Timmy, get a hold of youself, YOUR ONLY 12!!!! Enjoy your youth you toad head, you'll have to grownup soon enough...;)

[Timmy]

Timmy, get a hold of youself, YOUR ONLY 12!!!! Enjoy your youth you toad head, you'll have to grownup soon enough...;)

Maybe I need a more appropriate avatar. How about this: :grumpy

[HappyTown]

Maybe I need a more appropriate avatar. How about this: :grumpy

Try this one Timmy.;)

http://bblmedia.com/ugly_old_man.jpg

[Timmy]

Try this one Timmy.;)

http://bblmedia.com/ugly_old_man.jpg

Nice! I'll give it due consideration! :ursofunny

[HappyTown]

Nice! I'll give it due consideration! :ursofunny

Kool!:snapout

[ForeverBlessed]

Oh, 18 year olds... i have had my moments with mine. I am pretty strict and believe that freedom comes with responsibility. My 18 year old didn't have much because I couldn't get her to cooperate with anything. She wanted to sleep all day, stay up all night and worked very little.. I wanted her to start school this fall... she put it off till second semester... I was tired of trying to organize her life. She depended upon me for everything.

About two weeks or so ago.. she decided she didn't like being told she couldn't stay out all night with friends. I was mean and strict and she was 18 I told her I didn't care if she was 28... until she was responsible she doesn't make rules. She decided not to come home one night and stayed with a friend.. she never called, nothing... she called later the next day and told me she needed space. I told her she can have all the space she needs, she could move out... #1, I have two others looking at the example. If I allowed her to run in and out .....taking space of several days for freedom and then waltz back in for food and comfort of home... NOT happening!

She came and got her clothes... it nearly killed me... I cried for two days straight. Then I just started praying that God would have his way... and everything that I had ever taught her would stick with her.

I had several parents who have already raised kids telling me to stick it out...be tough.. I think everyone called it "tough love". Well, the one seeming to hurt was me...

She is here with me tonight because of the holiday, we had a family get together... but there has been a very big change in her.

In the last several weeks I have seen (or heard) things that have made me very proud. She has grown up a lot in just that short time... she has walked several miles to her job, walked to church or made sure she had rides to church... She has not missed one service and I am seeing big improvements in several areas of her life. The person she chose to move in with is Apostolic...and even though I have to admit it isn't the life I would have chosen for her, she is fighting for her independence... I understand that I moved out at 19 determined that I was going to prove I could do it on my own.... and I did... I never moved back home. I hope that she does move back and go to school... she needs to go to college.. but I can't make her.. and I know that she is trying to grow up...

Friday night, she came by to see me...she was going to the church to pray... I went to the church to pray as well. She talked to me for a long time and told me how she came to the realization that she really did serve God for herself... it wasn't because of me. She asked me for help in studying the bible and her desire to learn more about God. She told me how she was witnessing to people.

She showed up today at church with a young single mother and her son who she is witnessing to at work. She just had someone give her a Jimmy... so soon she will have her own wheels...

I have been so afraid to trust her.. but so far, she has really surprised me...

It is not what I want...but I am just hanging in there..

[tstew]

I think it would actually help too to remember how we were at 18. Scary thought but we turned out okay :). I'm sure that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for.

[Timmy]

I think it would actually help too to remember how we were at 18. Scary thought but we turned out okay :). I'm sure that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for.

Speak for yourself! :whistle

[tstew]

Speak for yourself! :whistle

Ahhh, you turned out just fine. Tighten up a few loose screws and you would be good as new.:ursofunny

[Whole Hearted]

I have had an 18 years old son at home and the answer is child.

[Sherri]

Oh, 18 year olds... i have had my moments with mine. I am pretty strict and believe that freedom comes with responsibility. My 18 year old didn't have much because I couldn't get her to cooperate with anything. She wanted to sleep all day, stay up all night and worked very little.. I wanted her to start school this fall... she put it off till second semester... I was tired of trying to organize her life. She depended upon me for everything.

About two weeks or so ago.. she decided she didn't like being told she couldn't stay out all night with friends. I was mean and strict and she was 18 I told her I didn't care if she was 28... until she was responsible she doesn't make rules. She decided not to come home one night and stayed with a friend.. she never called, nothing... she called later the next day and told me she needed space. I told her she can have all the space she needs, she could move out... #1, I have two others looking at the example. If I allowed her to run in and out .....taking space of several days for freedom and then waltz back in for food and comfort of home... NOT happening!

She came and got her clothes... it nearly killed me... I cried for two days straight. Then I just started praying that God would have his way... and everything that I had ever taught her would stick with her.

I had several parents who have already raised kids telling me to stick it out...be tough.. I think everyone called it "tough love". Well, the one seeming to hurt was me...

She is here with me tonight because of the holiday, we had a family get together... but there has been a very big change in her.

In the last several weeks I have seen (or heard) things that have made me very proud. She has grown up a lot in just that short time... she has walked several miles to her job, walked to church or made sure she had rides to church... She has not missed one service and I am seeing big improvements in several areas of her life. The person she chose to move in with is Apostolic...and even though I have to admit it isn't the life I would have chosen for her, she is fighting for her independence... I understand that I moved out at 19 determined that I was going to prove I could do it on my own.... and I did... I never moved back home. I hope that she does move back and go to school... she needs to go to college.. but I can't make her.. and I know that she is trying to grow up...

Friday night, she came by to see me...she was going to the church to pray... I went to the church to pray as well. She talked to me for a long time and told me how she came to the realization that she really did serve God for herself... it wasn't because of me. She asked me for help in studying the bible and her desire to learn more about God. She told me how she was witnessing to people.

She showed up today at church with a young single mother and her son who she is witnessing to at work. She just had someone give her a Jimmy... so soon she will have her own wheels...

I have been so afraid to trust her.. but so far, she has really surprised me...

It is not what I want...but I am just hanging in there..

Beautiful story, Lisa. You are blessed with three lovely girls, and I'm sure it's on the inside as much as the outside. God will take care of them.

[Bro-Larry]

18 yr. olds... children or adults?

I have an 18 yr. old son giving me fits.

I feel I should NEVER make my son leave our home, but it's getting close.

Dear Bro Tim,

I see in your kind eyes that you will do the right thing.

My advise is allow all children to stay home until marriage, but it is imperative that each one shoulder their share of the load. This takes a proportionate amount of financial and physical load off their parents, and makes life more pleasant for all concerned. Students should have a part time job to help supply their own needs. Out of school children should pay a little rent and help with chores. Mom and dad should not be cleaning their rooms and such.

I raised five girls and one son, made some mistakes early, but tried to learn from my mistakes on earlier ones.

I see five steps of transition from dependent child and full parenthood.

1) Finishing school and supporting self.
2) Moving out and paying for own room and board.
3) Service to God or country.
5) Marriage and molding self to be compatible with a mate.
6) Children.

Each of these steps is packed with stress and growing pains, therefore, each step is best taken one at a time. Sometimes they overlap unavoidably. If any child approaching adulthood will take these steps one at a time, deliberately and with purpose, it will greatly enhance their chances of a happy and successful family life, without causing undue damage to their parents.

[Tim Rutledge]

Dear Bro Tim,

I see in your kind eyes that you will do the right thing.

My advise is allow all children to stay home until marriage, but it is imperative that each one shoulder their share of the load. This takes a proportionate amount of financial and physical load off their parents, and makes life more pleasant for all concerned. Students should have a part time job to help supply their own needs. Out of school children should pay a little rent and help with chores. Mom and dad should not be cleaning their rooms and such.

I raised five girls and one son, made some mistakes early, but tried to learn from my mistakes on earlier ones.

I see five steps of transition from dependent child and full parenthood.

1) Finishing school and supporting self.
2) Moving out and paying for own room and board.
3) Service to God or country.
5) Marriage and molding self to be compatible with a mate.
6) Children.

Each of these steps is packed with stress and growing pains, therefore, each step is best taken one at a time. Sometimes they overlap unavoidably. If any child approaching adulthood will take these steps one at a time, deliberately and with purpose, it will greatly enhance their chances of a happy and successful family life, without causing undue damage to their parents.

Thanks Brother. Good advice and thoughts.

Thank you to everyone, for your kind words and encouragement.

Pray Cameron see's 19.:club

[Sherri]

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

[Tim Rutledge]

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

Thank you Sis. Sherri. Cam and I had a serious talk this evening that went relatively well. I appreciate you sharing.

[ForeverBlessed]

I don't know what Cameron is doing or where he's at in life, but I will offer you hope. The worst days of my life were when my daughter walked away from God and everything she had been taught for a couple of years. I broke out in hives and thought I was going to go nuts. I kept thinking that here we were trying to win the world for Jesus and our own daughter didn't want Him.

But I had to remember back to that day in Memphis when she was six weeks old and we dedicated her to the Kingdom of God. I knew that He loved her more than we did. I didn't know where or how, but I KNEW He would bring her back. After some very hard times, she came back to the Lord and the last several years she's been doing great and just recently married a wonderful guy.

Sometimes I ask myself - what in the world did we do wrong? But honestly it just comes down to the fact that they have to "get it" for themselves. For some kids that comes alot easier than others; I don't know why. Anyway, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The things that you put in them really do come out and they realize you were a lot smarter than they thought.

Sherri, you are so right.. they do have to get it for themselves. Thanks for posting your experience.. you and your posting has been a blessing to me here. I'm so glad everything has turned out well with your daughter.

I was put on Prednisone because I was so covered in what they believed was hives.. I haven't ever had them... but like I said... I cried for days and then was dealing with the hives... I knew it was nerves.. it will just about kill you.

thanks for the compliment on my girls... I pray everyday that they have a real experience on the inside.

[Sherri]

Sherri, you are so right.. they do have to get it for themselves. Thanks for posting your experience.. you and your posting has been a blessing to me here. I'm so glad everything has turned out well with your daughter.

I was put on Prednisone because I was so covered in what they believed was hives.. I haven't ever had them... but like I said... I cried for days and then was dealing with the hives... I knew it was nerves.. it will just about kill you.

thanks for the compliment on my girls... I pray everyday that they have a real experience on the inside.
It's the only time in my life I've ever had hives. I actually flew to Phoenix for a few days just to get myself together and find peace with God at that time. I am believing that my son will get through these years without the same experiences. So far.......so good. LOL!

[Jeremy]

It is a really hard situation to be in. I think that a valid argument can be made for both sides of the debate. On one hand, we all know that sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to really effect a change in their lives, but at the other hand, it is really tough not to do everything you can to help someone you love.

At the end of the day, I think that you should analyze how things are progressing. If being patient with him seems to be making a difference, then perhaps it will be worth the stress it causes you and your household to slowly bring him around. However, if you feel that your kindness is being taken advantage of and there is a conscious decision to disobey you and disrupt your home for selfish reasons, then you may need to take more drastic action.

Most likely you are somewhere in between both of those though, and are already trying to define the line between being a patient guide through the rough times and a love blinded enabler.

I wish I knew what the right answer was. When faced with the safe choice recently, I chose to let go and keep my home environment safe and peaceful to the rest of the family. I wept for days everytime I thought about the situation and wondered over and over what more I could have done. The bottom line though is that he made choices, and he was fully aware of the consequences of those choices. I gave him several chances, but there came a point where I had to draw a line and say "no more" for the sake of the rest of my family. he crossed the line with full knowledge of what was going to happen.

I don't know if I have ever hurt more than when he sat on the porch and he and I both knew I had to stand on the guidelines I had laid out and he cried and screamed lamenting his behavior. Everything inside of the heart of someone who understands the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ rips apart at a time like that, but that was not true repentance. He was sorry he blew his chance, but he was not the least bit inclined to change his behavior once he left.

For my situation, I know what I did was right, even why it ripped my guts out. I have lived long enough to know that this is far from the end of the story, and I am hoping that he will wake up sooner than later. For now though, it seems he is insistent on learning the hard way.

[dizzyde]

I think it would actually help too to remember how we were at 18. Scary thought but we turned out okay :). I'm sure that you are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for.

Well, personally, I had a newborn...

But anyway, my daughter just turned 21,and recently decided that she wanted to be treated more like an adult. Up until now, I have paid all the bills, I wanted her to finish school without the added financial pressure.

But when she decided that she wanted to be treated like an adult, I was happy to oblige. She is now paying her own (astronomical because of tickets and wrecks) car insurance, her own cell phone bill, and is now responsible for half of the housekeeping. It actually has worked out quite well for me... :whistle

[Tim Rutledge]

It is a really hard situation to be in. I think that a valid argument can be made for both sides of the debate. On one hand, we all know that sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to really effect a change in their lives, but at the other hand, it is really tough not to do everything you can to help someone you love.

At the end of the day, I think that you should analyze how things are progressing. If being patient with him seems to be making a difference, then perhaps it will be worth the stress it causes you and your household to slowly bring him around. However, if you feel that your kindness is being taken advantage of and there is a conscious decision to disobey you and disrupt your home for selfish reasons, then you may need to take more drastic action.

Most likely you are somewhere in between both of those though, and are already trying to define the line between being a patient guide through the rough times and a love blinded enabler.

I wish I knew what the right answer was. When faced with the safe choice recently, I chose to let go and keep my home environment safe and peaceful to the rest of the family. I wept for days everytime I thought about the situation and wondered over and over what more I could have done. The bottom line though is that he made choices, and he was fully aware of the consequences of those choices. I gave him several chances, but there came a point where I had to draw a line and say "no more" for the sake of the rest of my family. he crossed the line with full knowledge of what was going to happen.

I don't know if I have ever hurt more than when he sat on the porch and he and I both knew I had to stand on the guidelines I had laid out and he cried and screamed lamenting his behavior. Everything inside of the heart of someone who understands the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ rips apart at a time like that, but that was not true repentance. He was sorry he blew his chance, but he was not the least bit inclined to change his behavior once he left.

For my situation, I know what I did was right, even why it ripped my guts out. I have lived long enough to know that this is far from the end of the story, and I am hoping that he will wake up sooner than later. For now though, it seems he is insistent on learning the hard way.

Thanks Jeremy.

Glad you found AFF.

Your still considered my "son".

[Jeremy]

Thanks Jeremy.

Glad you found AFF.

Your still considered my "son".

I'll take that any day. :friend