Joke Thread

[jwharv]

Every forum needs a joke thread..................

[jwharv]

A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"

The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."

[jwharv]

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

[jwharv]

The pastor stood up for his sermon and the congregation couldn't help but notice several bandages on his face. "Excuse me," says the pastor, "but this morning I was so deep in thought about my sermon that I cut myself shaving."

When the service had ended and the pastor was saying goodbye to everyone as they filed out the door, one old curmudgeon shakes the pastor's hand and says, "Next time think about shaving and cut the sermon."

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

jwarv, is that avatar part of the joke?

Saints?

[jwharv]

jwarv, is that avatar part of the joke?

Saints?


NO way! :club:club:club

I have been a Saints fan as far back as when they were the Aints. They are just getting to be a good team why change now........

[Timmy]

The Sunday School teacher announced a prize for the first child to memorize the books of the Bible. A giant candy bar! Little Johnny wanted that candy so badly, he worked at memorizing the books of the Bible for many hours, every day till next Sunday. But, alas, he failed. He was sure someone else would win.

The teacher asked how everyone was doing. Little Johnny said he only got the books of the Old Testament done. The teacher said, "Well that's pretty good. Let's hear it!"

Little Johnny stood up, cleared his throat, and began. "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. . . ."

[Timmy]

Why did the alligator cross the road?

[Timmy]

Why did the alligator cross the road?

To eat the chicken!

[jwharv]

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had - it locks..."

[Timmy]

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had - it locks..."

Reminds me of something I saw once. A lady parked her car and got out, closed the door. She started looking in her purse for her keys to lock the car. Then she noticed that the window was open. She happily popped the lock button down and went on her way!

[jwharv]

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

[Trouvere]

A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"

The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."

I love this one.

[jwharv]

These 16 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:

#16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

#15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11 'You don't know how fast you were going??? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9 'Warning!?? You want a warning??? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

#8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7 'Fair??? You want me to be fair??? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

#6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

#5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

#4 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

#3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

#2 'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS:

#1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?? You're right, we don't!! Sign here.'

[Timmy]

:killinme

Those are great!

[jwharv]

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business. "
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We like tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-Smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's Window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! (Dog food is expensive!)"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary ---- we hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you sent in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up. "
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak !"

:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

[jwharv]

That was a good one..............

[jwharv]

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

[jwharv]

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[jwharv]

The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of
teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging
the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were
jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Computer Dependency


This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a bitter ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You
choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven't gone to sleep yet

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like dirt. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A deep breath doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

[Truly Blessed]

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

[Truly Blessed]

A nervous wreck! :)

[lisafitzh2o]

True story --

While teaching 5th grade history, I added a bonus question to the test: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?" (Answer: Philadelphia)

One student answered "At the bottom".

I HAD to give her the bonus points! :lol

[Truly Blessed]

A service station in Chipman used to have a sign behind the counter that stated its credit policy;

To qualify for a credit account you must be at least 85 years old and accompanied by your parents.

[jwharv]

http://studylight.org/art/toons/dailydose/today-hi-162.jpg

[jwharv]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

[Timmy]

I was at a company picnic for my son's work, and the owner had a friend there whose sideline was magic, to entertain the guests. Card tricks, coin tricks, sleight of hand, that sort of thing. He was pretty good. I was chatting with him and found out his regular job was with the post office. I teasingly said to him, "Oh, is that where you learned how to make things disappear?"

He didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. I said, "Oh, I bet you hear that all the time." He said, "No. That was the first time."

I smiled and backed away slowly. :uhoh

[Ronzo]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

[Ronzo]

I was at a company picnic for my son's work, and the owner had a friend there whose sideline was magic, to entertain the guests. Card tricks, coin tricks, sleight of hand, that sort of thing. He was pretty good. I was chatting with him and found out his regular job was with the post office. I teasingly said to him, "Oh, is that where you learned how to make things disappear?"

He didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. I said, "Oh, I bet you hear that all the time." He said, "No. That was the first time."

I smiled and backed away slowly. :uhoh
Was he reloading?

[Timmy]

Was he reloading?

Maybe. But he did make me disappear!

[jwharv]

http://studylight.org/art/toons/dailydose/today-hi-165.jpg

[jwharv]

Ever wonder why cowboys want to die with their boots on?
"I recon it's so they won't hurt their toes when they kick the bucket."

[jwharv]

Directions

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a
customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the
next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the
next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and
the number is on the mailbox.

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color
is your house?"

The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

[jwharv]

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

[Timmy]

A frantic lady called 911 and said "My house is on fire! HELP!"

The dispatcher said, "Try to stay calm, ma'am. Now, tell me how the firefighters can get to your house."

The lady said, "Oh? Don't they have those big, red trucks?"

[jwharv]

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the
policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing
what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.


Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper"I Love Ya Man

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


"They're looking for me"

[jwharv]

While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitor centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

[jwharv]

The theme of the children's story was centered around the thought that everyone, no matter how small, is important to Jesus. I assured them that no matter what they chose to be, Jesus needed them to work for others.

Beginning at the end of the row, I asked each to tell me what they wanted to be when they grew up. Down the line it went - "firefighter, doctor, housewife, pastor" - with many repeats. About halfway down the row the very first hand went back up. Going back to him, I asked, "Have you changed your mind?"

His reply brought the house down. "No," he answered, "I need a second choice in case I get fired."

[rgcraig]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[jwharv]

Descriptions of mismatched Couples

1. He's a chiropractor,
She's a pain in the neck.

2. He's a funny old goat,
She's a great kidder.

3. He doesn't have a dollar,
She has no sense.

4. He sells balloons for a living,
She's full of hot air.

5. He's bow-legged,
She's as straight as an arrow.

6. She's a math teacher,
He's a guy with a lot of problems.

7. He's an astronaut,
She's a space cadet.

[jwharv]

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

[jwharv]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been
as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a
felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you
have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for
your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and SOMETIMES LAWYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WALK THROUGH
THAT ROOM!"

[jwharv]

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

* Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
* Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
* Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
* Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
* Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
* Moses: "The Wanderer"
* Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
* Samson: "Hair"
* Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
* Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
* Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
* Peter: "I'm Sorry"
* Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
* Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
* The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
* Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
* Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
* Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
* Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

[jwharv]

THE BROKEN BONE

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

[jwharv]

THE ANNIVERSARY

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

[jwharv]

THE DATE

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

[Timmy]

My wife and I have been together for 27 wonderful years!

And 27 out of 30 ain't bad! :bolt

[jwharv]

An oldie........................



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts; 2:38!!!!!!!!!


The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

SCRIPTURE? replied the burglar,

She said she had an AX and two 38's!

[jwharv]

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for awhile but about 5 a.m. he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!

[jwharv]

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid?

You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

[Timmy]

An oldie........................



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church service when she was startled by an intruder.

As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts; 2:38!!!!!!!!!


The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.

SCRIPTURE? replied the burglar,

She said she had an AX and two 38's!

:lol:lol:lol

[jwharv]

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

[jwharv]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a194/ReneeHarvell/churchsplit.jpg

[jwharv]

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

[jwharv]

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

[jwharv]

Chocolate Calories

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about
180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I
would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.




(This one made me think of CC1) :)

[jwharv]

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.



The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.



Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.



The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.



Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

[jwharv]

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

[jwharv]

A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The barber said $12.50. The man asks; “and how much for a shave?” The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

[jwharv]

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.

He became a hardened criminal.

[jwharv]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[jwharv]

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister.”

[jwharv]

http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20070707/szi070707.gif

[jwharv]

A doctor taking care of his last appointment of the day gives this man a thorough exam and finds him in optimal health. As the man is going out the door, he had a heart attack and died. The doctor looks at the man and tells the nurse, “help me turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in.”

[jwharv]

MY JOB HISTORY



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.



Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.



After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.



Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.



I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.



Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.



I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.



My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.



I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.



Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.



I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.



I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.



I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.



So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.



After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.



My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.



So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

[jwharv]

Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.

The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."

[jwharv]

WHICH TOE?

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt. She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

[jwharv]

THE ONLY COUNTRY

Ours is the only country in the world where people pay $200,000 for a house and then leave it for two weeks every summer to sleep in a tent.

[jwharv]

SO THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS

John's hearing aid occasionally emits a high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when the device started to beep. Surprised, little Lorraine looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've got e-mail!"

[jwharv]

THAT EXPLAINS IT

A newbie got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. The newbie separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached him at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, sir" said the newbie, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" The newbie replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

[jwharv]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre Museum .

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .)

[jwharv]

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.



Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.



"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"



"I don't have any."



"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"



"One hundred and one."



"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world."



The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"

[jwharv]

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to
think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better
or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to
join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and
the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate
checks, please..."

[jwharv]

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way:

My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).

But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!) ...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

[jwharv]

A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old
painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them
to the auction house to be valued.

After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news
and I have bad news."

"What's the good news?" the senior asked.

"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,"
replied the appraiser.

"Fantastic! What's the bad news?"

"Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter
and Picasso was no good with violins."

[jwharv]

The Injun

Two old cowboys, Ralph and Bill, topped a hill one day.
Saw an Indian on the ground, not too far away.

They looked at one another, then rode that way real slow.
They could see that something strange was goin’ on below.

"I’ll bet he’s listenin’ to the ground," said Bill, "'cause it’s a fact
That they can tell what’s goin’ on for miles by doin’ that."

"If this ain’t no Injun trick," said Ralph, "come on, let’s go
"And find out how he does that, 'cause I’d shore like to know."

They rode up real cautious, then heard some real low tones.
"One wagon pulled by six big mules. White man not alone.

"White woman sit beside him; six kids in wagon too."
They looked at one another, not believing this was true.

"Hey, Injun, how do you know that?" Said Ralph. "I’d like to know --
Did you really hear those things, and is this really so?"

"White man speak with loco tongue," said the Indian with a groan.
"Wagon run over Indian and just keep rollin’ on."

[delta soundman]

Stop me if you heard this one,

Two men are shipwrecked on an island. One is crying, screaming, and just going nuts. "We are going to die, we are going to die, God help help we are going to stave to death". The other guy is just leaned up against a palm tree being real calm. When the first guy noticed how calm the second guy was acting he just couldn't understand. Finally he screamed at him, "don't you get it we are going to die!". The second guy looked at him and said, "you don't understand, I make $100,000.00 a week." The first guy was dumbfounded, speechless. He tells the second guy, "it doesn't matter how much money you make, we are still going to starve to death, we are going to DIE!!!" The second guy looks at him and says, "no you don't understand, I make $100k a week, I pay 10% tithes on that money." "My pastor will find me!"
:killinme

[TalkLady]

Stop me if you heard this one,

Two men are shipwrecked on an island. One is crying, screaming, and just going nuts. "We are going to die, we are going to die, God help help we are going to stave to death". The other guy is just leaned up against a palm tree being real calm. When the first guy noticed how calm the second guy was acting he just couldn't understand. Finally he screamed at him, "don't you get it we are going to die!". The second guy looked at him and said, "you don't understand, I make $100,000.00 a week." The first guy was dumbfounded, speechless. He tells the second guy, "it doesn't matter how much money you make, we are still going to starve to death, we are going to DIE!!!" The second guy looks at him and says, "no you don't understand, I make $100k a week, I pay 10% tithes on that money." "My pastor will find me!"
:killinme

That's a good one!!

[rgcraig]

New Use for Windex








(I didn't check this out in snopes, but it sounds like it will work. lol lol)




If you sometimes get the sudden

urge to run around naked.

Drink some Windex.

It will keep you from streaking.

[Pressing-On]

New Use for Windex








(I didn't check this out in snopes, but it sounds like it will work. lol lol)




If you sometimes get the sudden

urge to run around naked.

Drink some Windex.

It will keep you from streaking.
Well, what do you know. I'll buy a new bottle tomorrow!

:killinme

[jwharv]

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.



"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.



"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"



The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

[jwharv]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.



The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of the pastors. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.



"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."



The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[jwharv]

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

[jwharv]

DEFINITIONS

* ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
* BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
* CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
* COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
* DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
* EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
* GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
* HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
* INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
* MYTH: A female moth.
* MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
* RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
* SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
* SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
* TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
* TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
* YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
* WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She
then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"

Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"

Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

[jwharv]

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

[mizpeh]

Saint Peter was giving a tour of Heaven to recent arrivals; speaking loudly and robustly he introduced them all the mansions on streets of gold.

But, near the end of one certain street he halted the group, and speaking softly in a low voice, he cautioned them.

"You will have to be very quite and tiptoe past the next mansion," he said.

"Why?" asked a member of the group.

"Well," Peter responded, "that mansion is occupied by members of the United Pentecostal Church, and they believe that they're the only ones up here."

[mizpeh]

There was a lil boy who had a dog and she had puppies..Not knowing what to do with them all the mother suggested that the boy place the puppies in a box and make a sign that said "free puppies"and put them out in the front yard and try to give them away as people walked by.

There was a elderly man who walked by one day and he noticed the sign "free puppies"so He stopped and asked the boy.."Son what kind of puppies are these"The lil boy said..I dunno..I guess they are baptist..the elderly man went on his way..about a week later and a few puppies left..the same elderly man came by and asked the lil boy"Did you ever figure out what kind of puppies they are?"The lil boy replied..yes..They are Pentecostal Puppies..the elderly man was somewhat suprised.."I thought you said they were baptist puppies?" The lil boy said..no..they are Pentecostal...their eyes have been opened

[jwharv]

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude and grabs his 8-iron proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."

[jwharv]

During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

[jwharv]

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon him that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

[HADDOCK]

It's so dry in West Tennessee that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!


Now THAT's Dry!

[jwharv]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.



She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.



Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.



"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"



"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

[jwharv]

A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

[jwharv]

YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN...

* The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
* The local phone book has only one yellow page.
* Third Street is on the edge of town.
* You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
* You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
* No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
* You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
* Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

[jwharv]

CONUNDRUM DU JOUR

Why do those caution signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

[jwharv]

THE SURPRISE

Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

[jwharv]

THE MYSTERY BOWL

Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland. When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go on."

[jwharv]

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago . When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

[rgcraig]

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.


2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and
two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
&nb sp;Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4 wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a
hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling"
washtub.



10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps
from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service
by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church i f ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are,
"Y'all come back now, Ya hear".


God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

[jwharv]

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”

[jwharv]

Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at catching mice?”

[jwharv]

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's six! Get out of bed!"

[jwharv]

KIDS' SCIENCE EXAM

Here are some actual answers given during a grade school science exam.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, & U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

[rgcraig]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He was complaining that the windows had been
installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them
yet.

Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy
had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo"? I
told him "it's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably
too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made
me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

[rgcraig]

An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

[Timmy]

My memory's not what it used to be. Actually, I'm not sure it ever was.

[rgcraig]

Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

[Esther]

Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile work environment.

:) So true!

[Bro-Larry]

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[rgcraig]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME !!!..............

Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above? (oh my god, i just totally did – diana)

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Cindy]

Subject: Kid prayers
Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway
Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world.
There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.
They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

[F.O.C.U.S]

One day a lady started attending a local church. After a couple of Sunday's the Pastor decided to try to get to know this lady who has been coming to church. So one Sunday after the service he calls her into his office. He told the lady that he is glad that she has decided to come to church, and that he would like to get to know a little bit about her. So she started by saying "Well Pastor I guess I'll start with my four marriages". The pastor was surprised by this statement yet he didn't say anything. She said "My first husband was banker. He was a good man yet he seemed to be married to his work more than he was married to me. We divorced after only two years of marriage. The second husband was a circus performer. He was so sweet and loving towards me. Then one day he left me for a trapeze artist. My third husband was a preacher. He was my favorite husband. He loved me so sincerely. He was a very giving man." The pastor stopped her to ask her a question. "You said he was your favorite husband yet you also said that you had four husbands. Why did you two get divorced?" he asked. She said "we didn't get divorced he passed away." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" he tells her. "Then tell me about your fourth husband" he asked. She says "my fourth husband is a funeral director. We are still married" The pastor sits there for a moment just trying to take in all she said. Then he said "Can I ask you a question?" She says "sure". He ask her "Tell me how it is that you come to marry four men with such differences between them?"

She looks at him and says "Well it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go."

[missdkendall]

So I just found this thread, and it is killing me. I forwarded the link to my friends at work, and I can tell they are reading it because everyone is laughing really loud :) I love to bring a smile to my people :)

[missdkendall]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband c hecked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer
in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston ...a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.


He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.


The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

[missdkendall]

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

ROFLOL!!!! I am in pain from laughing at this so hard

[StrawberryJam8]

:crazy:crazy

Hahahaha

[rgcraig]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you , it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is short...So Remember to Live Well & Laugh Often!

[rgcraig]

Life is GOOD! Ask Gramma.

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,
Grandma

[Timmy]

ROFL!!