Emotional affair
 

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about. :)

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

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*Slowly backs out of thread!* :paranoid

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LOL!!

Awww, come on! It's an honest question and deals with real life stuff!! Nobody wants to take a poke at it?

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I haven't read the book, but if it happened in MY marriage, I'd have to say that I'd consider it the same as adultry. The trust in the marriage would be completely destroyed.

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I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

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I read an article one time on pornography and the emotion attachment that people make in viewing it. It also talked about how it is a violation to the marriage even though no physical sex took place with another person. The results of watching is a detachment from the marriage partner.

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Then aren't all husbands guilty of adultery at some point in their marriage? And wives too?

That reminds me, according to the book, the relationship doesn't need to be sexual at all. According to those who study this sort of thing it is not uncommon for sex to not be a part of the relationship. What I mean by that is the connection is emotional and sexual fantasy and sex talk isn't a part of the relationship and is often times assidiously avoided as much as any other relationship with the opposite sex. It seems hard to imagine that this could be so, but they claim it's true and since I can accept the possiblity of this actually happening I take their word for it. It's much the same as two Christian adults dating. They connect emotionally but (hopefully) avoid thinking about sexual things and don't have sex. It's purely emotional until they get married (in a perfect world...and church.:) )

What do you think? Is that adultery?

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Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

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I think that is a very good point, which then brings us to the definition of the thought.

First of all, not all thoughts are our thoughts. Several times in Matthew 6 Jesus says, "Take no thought" therefore we have the ability to receive the thought or reject it.

I being a man can see a pretty girl walking down the street. A thought may rise up within me so the question will then be, "what do I do with that thought."

Which in the context of what you have posted, I could entertain the thought to the point that I acted on it in some way...pursued an action to get to know the person, pursued a physical encounter, or just entertained to the point of self gratification. In these scenarios I would be guilty of Jesus' words.

However, if when the thought rose up I casted it down, rejected it, or did not entertain it then how could I be guilty?

I would agree with this. Two people could emotionally attach in a way where they are connect more to each other than to their spouses. This is just as much of a betrayal as a physical encounter. In all reality, allowed to continue in most cases would lead to a physical encounter of some type.


I think the definition of adultery is going to come back to my answer above. What I do how I pursue the relationship. I believe adultery in a sin definition (not necessarily a dictionary definition) starts in the thought realm.

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I agree. You can invest yourself emotionally in a business, or as the other person said, porn. I agree that it's the hardest part to deal with when an outside thing or person breaches a marriage.

But is it adultery? I have trouble accepting that premise. Is it wrong? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Damaging? Yes. Dangerous? Yes. Adultery? I'm not so sure. I tend to think that it's, as you say, a step in the process and can lead to actual adultery.

I was a little surprised to read this liberal view (it seems to lower the threshold for scripturally permissible divorce) in this otherwise conservative book. Normally I'm ok with more liberal views. But it seemed a little extreme to me and just wonder what other people think.

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I grew up with a pastor that always said, "You can't always control the thoughts that enter your mind. However you can control the ones you let your mind dwell on."

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So the question is, "What is a biblical definition of adultery?"

I don't think there is a question that if this is happening in a marriage then that marriage is in serious trouble. But is there really adultery going on?

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If a pastor puts his ministry before his marriage and invests himself primarily in his ministry instead of his wife is he an adulterer?

It may seem like I'm comparing apples to oranges here because the ministry is not a person. But isn't the process and end result the same? There is not difference that I can see between detaching yourself from your spouse and investing your emotion and energy into a ministry than doing the same with a another person. It's the same process and has the same result and breaches the same vows.

It would seem then that adultery would more appropriately be limited to physical sexual relations with a person other than your spouse.

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But is lusting after someone the same as becoming emotionally involved?
Lets say you have a friend that you become very close to and your affection for that person deepens. You are becoming more emotionally involved but you may not necessarily lust after that person.

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Do you define lust as only a sexual desire? Isn't lust just "desire"? If that is the case then the development of "affection" is birthed after a desire, right?

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Actually, what He said was that if a man looks on a woman to lust after her he's committed adultery. That one little "to" is key to understanding what Jesus was talking about.

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I have friends that I have affection for but certainly do not desire them.
Affection does not necessarily have a sexual meaning. Emotional attachments can come through many ways sexual only being one of them.

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Ok. I'm going to make a confession on this thread. About 20 years ago, when I was still single, and prior to my conversion, I became friends with a couple that I met through another friend of mine. At first I was only friends with the male in the couple. We'd get together and drink, smoke some weed, and generally party while listening to Johnny Cash records. I didn't like his wife much because all she did was complain and yell at him all the time. She didn't like me much I would tell him he needed to learn how to tell her to shut her big mouth while we were partying. Nothing ruins a good buzz like a loud mouthed nagging wife.

Anyway, somehow I ended up becoming friends with her too. Over the course of about a year and half we started getting closer and closer. So much so that we'd talk on the phone a lot and even visit each other when he wasn't around. Eventually, she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her marriage and how unhappy she was with him. The closer we got as friends, the more we shared our feelings with each other. I had had a bad relationship with my first wife, so I understood how she was feeling about her marriage.

Well, the day finally came when our talking turned into passion and I found myself having an affair with this lady. We made up any excuse we could think of to get her out of the house so we could carry on this love affair we were having.

Things ended between us when I finally told her she had to make a choice between me or her husband. She didn't have the heart to leave him because she had a baby girl with him and she knew that her leaving him would devastate him, and he'd most likely end up on drugs or killing himself.

Fast forward to after my conversion. As I studied the Bible and learned about the different things it had to say concerning marital relations, I realized that even if I wouldn't have taken things to an actual physical level with this woman that I would still have been guilt of committing adultery. My affair with her was happening on an emotional level long before we decided to get into bed with each other.

Realizing this helped me to put some standards in place. I know. I know. Standards can sometimes be a four letter word for some of us. What I decided was that I would never allow myself to fall into that kind of trap with another woman again. So, there are certain things I won't do. I will not do anything more than shake a woman's hand. Occasionally I have been known to give an elder sister a hug, though. I won't come into a man's home when he is not there. I will not ride in a car with a woman alone, except for immediate family members. I avoid getting into too many details with another woman if she is talking about any problems in her marriage. I also am very careful about what I talk about with the women around here in pms. I also make a point of letting my wife know about the things I talk with other women about on the phone.

I don't have to read this book to know what the author is talking about. I've lived it. My advice to all men and women is that you be careful in your friendships with people of the opposite sex. I did not start out with an affair on my mind when I became friends with this woman. It developed over time. As Christians, we have a huge target on our backs, and the enemy of our souls would love nothing better than to see any one of us ruined through ending up in a love affair. He's out to steal, kill, and destroy all that he can. Thank God for His forgiving power.

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That's a good point and I agree with you, but wouldn't the relationship define the level or direction of the desire?

You could work with someone who you absolutely love to work with, care about them, and it never move beyond that.

But, like Rico points out, if allowed desires can change and what was once unthinkable now becomes desirable.

Again, I'm not disagreeing with you...it's just an interesting subject to explore.

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I can understand some of the points made by Rico in his post. I do not necessarily agree or disagree with all of it. He obviously went to far in his emotional connection. I have women I grew up with that I have remained friends with them and their husbands. I have no problem being alone with them, if the need would arise. I am not, neve was, and never will be, attracted to these women. I can and do tell them, in front of their husbands and in front of my wife that I love them. I have even hugged them and kissed. Not a mushy boyfriend/girlfriend type kiss, just a friendly peck on the cheek. If one of their husbands had a problem with it he would need to speak up. I don't make it a habit and I never will.
We have friends that we see all the time and I trust him with my wife and her with him. We are friends, we would probably fight to the death for each other. I love them and I have been alone with his wife and he alone with mine. As alone as couples with 4 kids apiece can ever be. We have even had some pretty personal conversations but I do not feel I would ever have anything more then my current friendship. Maybe I am just wishful thinking. I do believe that everyone should practice some godly common sense in ALL situations.

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No doubt in my mind there are emotional affairs and they are just as dangerous as physical affairs.

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Dear Bro. Rico,

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, at least your mother,
But over a period of time and reading your posts on FCF, NFCF, and on
AFF, there was developed in my mind a picture. The picture of a man who
seemingly could be thought of as tough, liberal who would argue just to
argue. But there was something deeper that shone through in your posts.
If you believed something was wrong, you would stand for it no matter
who would try to convince you otherwise.

I saw a young man that probably had a rough childhood, disappointments
through many experiences in and out of church. But I saw that man as one
who was learning and learning well.

Your post here confirms in my mind why I described you on another thread
as being conservative, a big teddy bear who loved God, his wife and his
children. Yes, we all have our own experiences which have brought us to
where we are today in Christ.

Paul speaks to someone in 2 Cor.7:8-11:

8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.

9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

11For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Bless you, dear Brother, and you can hide behind that big beard all you
want to, but I still "hear" a big teddy bear who loves God, his wife and his
children.

Parents are supposed to train up and discipline their children, but God
disciplines adult children. He's big enough. And He loves us SO much!
We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture.

Falla39

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I would say I agree with you. My point is that not all emtional attachments should be classified as affairs. There are emotional attachments that will never go beyond the friendship that is there. There are other cases, as we have seen reported, that go past friendship and become sin.

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And I agree with you.

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I agree with this also.

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i suddenly have the warm fuzzies.

someone agrees with me

I think I am going to......... :faint

oh wow two agree

here i g....... :faint :faint


again

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Sister Falla, I am on a quest for truth, just like the rest of us. When I find it, I have no choice but to defend it. You're right about a lot of the things you've said about me, except that I know I would never be accepted among conservatives as a fellow conservative. Just the fact that I am willing to withstand them face to face disqualifies me and makes me rebellious in their opinion. That's ok, though. I like being a free agent. Thank you for your kind words. :)

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Totally agree with this. It is my opinion that emotional "intimacy" (the sharing of ideas, opinions, goals, dreams, etc.) can eventually lead to physical intimacy.

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Traditional Conservative - b: marked by moderation or caution <a conservative estimate> c: marked by or relating to traditional norms of taste, elegance, style, or manners

Bro. Rico,
At times I have been considered somewhat of a rebel of sorts, or stubborn,
hard-headed or even deceived. Some could or would not understand that
there were principals/convictions I was unwilling to break, regardless of how
much pressure or intimidation was placed on me to do so.

However I always tried to show a good attitude and not be argumentive
regardless of the situation. That goes a long way. We can disagree without
being disagreeable. There is a difference.

And yes, Brother, that quest and hunger for truth will definitely cost
us something. We will be tested as to just how much we desire it!!:nod:nod

Blessings,

Falla39

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I appreciate all the comments. Good stuff.

So, it seems that nobody here thinks that an emotional affair is adultery. Is that a fair conclusion to draw from the discussion so far?

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You make some valid points....so would that mean as an answer to PoMo's original question that adultery is a condition of the heart and not just the physical?

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Don't allow your warm fuzzies to grow into an emotional affair with those who agree with you :ursofunny :tease

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Bro. Rico,
Could it be that being a conservative in heart and feeling that you are not excepted because of a differing opinion, are two different things! Having a differing opinion should not necessarily disqualify you. Neither should having an opinion different from those considered to be fellow conservatives keep you from being a free agent. I have a feeling that you would be respected for a differing opinion if you kept in mind that sometimes it isn't what we say but the way in which we say it.
Like being able to disagree without coming across as being disagreeable. What do you think!

Please don't think I am being critical at all. I would never offend you intentionally for anything. You have tremendous potential for God.

Blessings,

Falla39

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Sister, the truth of the matter is that I have no desire to be accepted as part of any one specific group of believers. I like things the way they are.

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I believe it is adultery.

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Dear Brother,

No problem! I trust I haven't offended you in any way. Something
within me and also because of experiences in my life, plus a strong
mothering nurturing nature, causes me to want to help make
things/life easier for others coming along behind me. But hey, if you
"like the way things are", bless you! :highfive Maybe instead of saying
you appear "conservative", "independent" would be a better word. An
independant teddy bear, who loves God, his wife and his children".:nod
Nothing wrong with that!
And you don't need no momma!:mama

Blessings,

Falla39

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Bro. A POMO,

Forgive me for hijacking your thread!

Blessings,

Falla39

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The place an affair begins is in the seat of emotions. The person reaches out to you in an area not being met by your spouse.

The Bible tells us that it begins with a thought, then another thought, then a feeling, and before it is finished it becomes sin.

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Ah....that's one reason why we need to marry that person whom God has ordained for us to be married to because that is indeed the one that can fulfill all of our needs(including the emotional ones). I have a relative who's currently involved in one of these emotional affairs for 2 years now although it's long distance. No sex.....although the flames of passion seem to still be there despite the fact that the parties involved are in there 70's........ The weird part about it is that the husband doesn't seem to care. I see nothing but danger and at the very best future heartache and untold sorrows and misery coming out of this. This is alot more serious than people can imagine......people jump off bridges off of this kind of stuff.

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Why do you believe an emotional affair is adultery?