Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Sorry I haven't been around, I've just lost my taste for arguing my point and being disproven, being told I'm wrong about everything I believe and think. I just have feelings that I need to put out to other people, that's going to destroy me if I keep holding them in. I live every day of my life with the thought, maybe tomorrow will be better. But it's getting harder and harder to fool myself. That thought comes true maybe 3 days a year. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Misery is a rough bed fellow. It's like...I think to myself, "ok maybe if I do this I'll feel better" And then I try something, and I don't feel better. My family, I can tell, get frustrated with me. It's not like I don't have support, I have family that loves me very much. But they want me to talk to them, to tell them what's wrong, to tell them what they can do for me. But I just don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been to church in a week, I just don't have the want to or the courage to face Holy Ghost filled people in the condition I'm in. I've slipped in the past few weeks, and did a few drugs to try to drown out the pain. It makes me sick that I was weak, but when they were in my face, the temptation to feel better for a few hours was just too much. I've been feeling anger lately that I haven't felt in years. I called my brother in law, and told him I hurt my back at work, and made the comment that a pain pill would be nice right now. He turned around and told my sister that I asked him for pain pills, and she called me chewing me out. I tried to explain to her that I was just saying IT WOULD BE NICE, which is what I meant, then she put him back on the phone, and he started saying I was calling him a liar, and saying he was going to come to my house and, using a nicer word than he said, kick my butt. I exploded, started seeing black, cursed him out, and ended the call begging him to show up, the last thing I told him is he better bring a bat or a gun, because if he stepped on my property I was going to break his kneecaps. I lost the trust and respect that my sister has gotten for me over the past seven months, because of a misunderstanding. I can't expect an instant medical miracle from my doctor, we've been trying to get my medicine right since 2008. It's just a vicious cycle, medication after medication after medication. I just want peace, I want happiness, I want to feel like a normal functioning human being. I want a reason to get up in the morning other than because I can't sleep anymore. Anytime I talk to one of my brothers and sisters from church, or my pastor, I either get "Just pray. God knows." or "Read the bible, there's answers in there" When I pray, God doesn't answer. All I hear are my own thoughts, or things I've learned from church. And when I read the bible all I see are things that point to me going to hell when I die. I don't understand, is this just a lifelong trial? There has to be happiness somewhere, true happiness that lasts more than a few hours, or a day. There are just so many things going wrong. The job I'm working, doesn't pay my bills. If I take into consideration the things in my house that are paid for by my aunt and uncle, and the groceries they help me out with, I'm over 200 dollars behind every paycheck. And then once my car gets fixed, I'll have to pay car insurance. I'm stressed out to the max over that. When I come home from my job, I don't even have the energy or the strength to take a shower. I just collapse on my couch and pass out. I'm getting really worried about my physical health too, I've been having chest pain around where my heart is. And my energy is just sapped lately, by the time 4 hours of my 8 hour shift is up, I'm dragging and pushing myself as hard as I can, by 5 or 6 hours I'm just on autopilot. I'm so very lonely. The brothers at church mostly have families, and are busy with that. I've tried a dating site to meet women, and in four months I've gotten one girl to have an ongoing conversation with me, and she's not interested in a relationship with me. But to be honest, I'm scared to death of putting a woman through the trouble of dealing with me. I hate who I am. I try to be as nice as I can be to people. I always have a smile on. People even tell me I make them happy, because they can count on me to have a smile and a handshake. But that smile is masking a dark, self loathing, miserable person. And this isn't just a mood I'm in. This is every day life for me. It's not am I depressed today or am I happy today. It's am I depressed today, really depressed today, or extremely depressed today. Today is extremely. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this. The thought of being like this one more day makes me want to break down. My mom understood, and she used to be able to talk to me, and make me feel better for at least a while. She always had answers to things I couldn't figure out. But now she's gone. And I don't know how to deal with it. I'm bottling it up. I'm bottling everything up. I can't let other people see what I really am. Well, if you made it this far, thanks for "listening". I don't need any suggestions on what medication I should or shouldn't be on. And I swear if one more person tells me to pray about it, I'm going to put my fist through a wall. I just needed to get these feelings out. I don't feel any better now, but hopefully now my mind will stop swirling.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Matt - may I make a suggestion?

I went thru a very bad time when I lost my Son in a motorcycle accident, then was diagnosed with cancer.

One thing that I found very helpfull was passage meditation.

Passage meditation is where you memorize a passage, and when your thoughts are out of control, you repeat the passage slowly over and over again for 30 minutes until your mind is flooded with the passage and you have control over your mind.

Being able to control your mind and your thoughts is a way to find peace. If you can control your thoughts, you can choose your thoughts. If you can choose your thoughts, you can choose peace.

https://www.easwaran.org/learn-how-to-meditate.html

below is the passage I memorized to meditate on to help me bring my thoughts under my control:

The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Wow, you said a mouthful in your opening post. To be honest, I skimmed it but did pick up a number of key phrases through out that I know very well.

My "boil it down to the basics advice is": Take a break from church. I did. Your trying to integrate years of "holiness or hell" legalism with life combined with very real depress issues. No good can come of it.

WHEN taking a break from church always remember that God never leaves you. HE is NOT "church" or your pastor.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

This is what I was thinking too. Church always seems to make depression worse, at least in my experience.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Oh bro, I can feel the pain in your words from where I'm at. I wish I was living close to you (South TX over here). You need some refreshing.

You know what I think you need right now, just to get out of the house and just hang out...u know, just to hang out with genuine friends that can listen to you and just have a good time.

I know what u feel like when u try something to make you feel temporarily better but in the end makes you feel worse and lonely than before...and then you just loose all energy and motivation to keep going, kwim?

(And being single doesn't help either...speaking from experience...lol)

Honestly bro, in times like this, "just pray" or "just read the bible" does not cut it BECAUSE, you can't even find enough strength to pray.

But I think you should just go hang out tonight, u know. Go somewhere u usually do not frequent like try a whole bunch of different churches, or different fun activities in your area over the next week. Just meeting new people could be refreshing to the soul, bro.

And then when you get back home from trying new activities, just muzzle up as much energy as you have to literally "JUST SPEAK TO GOD" (whether you can feel him or not). Be brutal honest with him about you feel. Yell if you feel like, cry if you feel like, just literally speak to him like he was standing in front of you physically bro.

And after, crash and sleep...lol

Keep us posted.

Love you bro, I'll be praying for you...

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

don't give up matt, there are many people going through hurt and suffering. you are not alone. i just watched the best exotic marigold hotel. it has an uplifting message. everything will be alright in the end. if things are not alright now, it is not yet the end. cheer up guy, we love you.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Amen. You might check your diet, too,
as that feeling sounds familiar, and has largely disappeared in me with
proper diet. BAM, get high if you gotta,
it's better than suicide.

I will say that there is a sense in which one
has to burn their personal house down,
to live with God, but you seem to be experiencing it pretty early.
Most...25? year olds just don't carry that much responsibility.
Ask for a week off and go camping. You are in my prayers.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

I automatically assign of that status of "Worst. Advice. Ever." to anything coming from him.

Re: Just Some Things I've Been Holding In
 

The Matt,

I am praying for you. My only advice and it is sincere and serious is to ignore those on this thread urging you to take a break from church. The worst advice ever. If you will notice at least one of them giving it took a "break from church " years ago and is still on that break.

If your current church is not ministering to you effectively I am all for you finding one that will. Please just don't lose sight of the fact that the Bible clearly states that God gave us pastors, teachers ,etc for a reason.

More than ever when you are stressed you need spiritual support and guidance and most of all love from a local assembly of believers.