Originally Posted by Krt
My husband says I need to come here and give responses... It isn't just stds., there is more than that. I do not believe God was silent to punish me, and IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BITTERNESS, PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS LEAVING BECAUSE OF THAT! I apologize, I should have clarified more in my first post...
1) I am not saying its my own issues and I am seeking God with humility if I am the problem... but one of my issues is every service is usually that you aren't enough for God, do more, give more, worship more, attend more, and please don't quote and take that the wrong way, I seek God for what His will is for me and worship Him, but they push and push like even your best isn't enough. And the style, the shouting which I guess is the excitement for God, I am excited too but not expressive much and even in my marriage my husband wishes I would show more emotion/expression... which I am working on, but after 10 yrs I am still uncomfortable with how preachers have to yelll so much... I receive more from others teachings and accept the rebuke even without the yelling.... Honestly I was uncomfortable when I went to a baseball game and everyone was standing, cheering, etc and I wasn't... so maybe it is me. At church I would lift my hands in worship and my heart be full of adoration and I'd love to worship that way but when the preacher acts like something is wrong with you for not shouting enough or loud enough or jumping enough... I leave church feeling so bad as a christian, and times I would be obedient to the pastor and jump, he'd say jump for joy, jump for your victory... sorry I did not change from that...
This weekend we listened to a webcast live and the preacher would say things like, "OH I wish I had someone to preach to... " and in my spirit that felt awful. (someone please tell me what they are doing... the minister isn't happy with the lack of feedback clapping and amening?) I am absorbing all he is saying... I am not an expressive person to clap and amen... but if I don't then I am not measuring up to be the christian I should be... do you know what I mean? I hope I worded it correctly...
2) I was hungering for so much more. Even now my husband says we get fed by the other online churches and UPCI is more for staying in doctrine...
We just came across MarsHill.com with Mike Driscoll and we have grown so much in our daily walks with God... I said before I loved listening to Charles Stanley teach... John MacArthur, and many more... not for doctrine but christian living... I don't have 'itchy ears", the messages they give rebuke also but they do it as a gentle shepherd not how I feel in UPCI being beaten with the rod... that is just how I feel and if I am too sensitive then pray God helps me to not receive it that way.
3) I also have issues about tithing... I tithed and gave beyond my means. I believed the Bible, give and it will be given unto you.... so many messages on giving sacrificially and pledges... while I myself have a medical bill come up or car repair, can't pay for it and use my credit card... and I am a very frugal person, I spend money wisely. UPCI prides on being like the early church yet when it comes to money they don't follow how they sold their possessions and had all in common. I believe God meant for us to take care of each other not some have fancy houses, cars, Iphones, yet another can't pay their heat bill. This is NOT out of bitterness I am just re reading the bible with fresh eyes and questions come up such as that... Even when they tithed in the O.T. if they were hungry on their journey they could eat their tithe. And remember when David ate of the bread that was for the priests... and when Jesus picked the grain on the sabbath... religious people would be so legalistic about that. You can kill the spirit with the letter of the law, I am not saying all of this very elequently I am sure someone else on here can reiterate on it that knows what I am meaning. My point is church is so hung up on receiving tithes and giving yet they aren't turning around tending to the flock in their needs, distributing to the saints as I see Jesus teaches in the Bible.
4) When I stopped going to church I started reading the bible with fresh eyes and I read it in its context to the chapter and culture and wish church would do that too... In Romans I read where the emphasis was to walk in love and grace and not cause another to stumble... God showed me if I don't have a problem going to the beach (I love the ocean) and dress modestly, I can go for myself but if I bring my husband and cause him to lust after the girls in skimpy bikinis then I am sinning. (MY church preaches on NO mixed bathing). I adore looking at God's creation the vast open ocean and meditate on Him there. There are alot of rules like a strict parent to protect us, I get it, but sometimes it can get a bit much like you can't have your own personal relationship and guidance with Jesus...
Does that explain? Its not just stds, its not bitterness, its alot... and some of it may be my own issues to work out...
thank you to everyone praying for us and giving supportive feedback, I really do appreciate it... God has brought me to a new place and I am seeking Him for discernment, truth, protection from error... if I am wrong I want Him to reveal error and deception in me.
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