I made it to prayer meeting. It was extremely awkward. It felt like a strange place I'd never been to, and I felt like everyone could read every emotion I was feeling. I remember putting on my big I'm ok smile a few times, but I remember more times where I just muttered a half hearted "I'm good". I felt like everyone was thinking "Oh look. The backslider. He must've run out of dope" I broke down crying on the way home, and my poor dad bless his heart tried to comfort me, but he's a bit of an emotional cripple. He tries though, he loves me. All I could think was "Mama would have known exactly what to say," and it made me cry even more. I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. I have to decide what to tell her. I can't tell her I did any drugs, I've been warned before that she will stop seeing me if it happens again. It just feels like a losing battle, I know exactly what's going to happen. She's going to cut one medicine, start me on another, its not going to work, another month of misery, rinse and repeat. I can't tell her how stressed I am, because anxiety medicine is just going to send me on a downward spiral. Oh, and the chest pain came back again. Physical manifestation of heartache? Indigestion? Medication side effect? Wrong kind of soap? I have no idea. Everything seems like the hardest decision in the world, and I don't know if I make my life this bad, or if life is actually this complicated and I just don't know how to deal with it.
1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. God, I'm begging you to live up to your word. I'm past my limit. I need my escape.