ILG, I have pondered whether to say this or not, but I guess I will. It's late, and I need to go to bed... but anyway, I consider you to be a friend since hanging out here on AFF, and I always enjoy your posts.
I realize that you are speaking through a tremendous amount of pain, and it is easy for others to either pat you on the back, or as you say, pick up a bat and beat you to death, without ever having walked in your shoes, or dealt with the things you have had to deal with.
Speaking from my own personal experience, having been dealt the heavy hand from the ministry myself, and with my family still going through abuse at the hands of the ministry, let me say, that I do understand how wretched your soul feels after walking through this valley of affliction.
But... when I began to read Psalms after going through these things, I understood that David was hunted by someone who should have appreciated the ministry and the work that he had done for him. After all, wasn't David the one who sang and ministered to Saul when Saul had a bad day. It seems that Saul should have appreciated David for saving the entire nation of Israel from the hands of Goliath too. The list goes on and on... from Saul turning against him, to his own son Absolom ... and David writes about this in
Psalms 41:9 "Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me".
You see, the greatest hurts do come from the very people that should be looking out after our best interests, our friends, family, loved ones, those in the ministry... yet they are the very ones who hurt us the most, and most deeply.
You have been hurt so very deeply. I know that, and the wounds and scars are still there to prove it.
Yet, it is my sincere, humble opinion that unless you bring yourself to completely, totally, and deeply let go of those hurts and wounds, and lay them on the altar, under the blood, and let healing forgiveness flow in your spirit, these wounds will never heal.
That is why I wrote in an earlier post on this thread, that until I was able to truly get down on my knees, and as hard as it was, to begin to ask God to BLESS those who had hurt me, to forgive them, and to help me forgive them, it was not until that point, that I began to see a change in my life and heart. Praying for the Lord to bless someone who had been such a cruel and evil man in so many ways was sickeningly hard to do... at first. But I did do it, and continued even though sometimes my heart wasn't quite there. But one day, I began to notice that as I prayed, those old feelings of bitterness and anger weren't there, and I genuinely was asking the Lord to bring about good things in this man's life.
I am saying this to you because I feel your pain, and your heart is bleeding still from these wounds, but it doesn't have to. There is healing, in the blood of Jesus there still flows a fountain of forgiveness that is much greater than any vengenance or recompense that we could desire to see happen.
And for the record, all the things that have happened to my family, they are still ongoing. There are still times, even quite recently, as in last month... when the old wounds reopen, when I hear new horror stories, and I wonder why... when Lord???? When will all this stop? When? How long? It has been 45 years already that this man has carried on like this... isn't that long enough????
The Lord showed me that the wheat and the tares will be taken up together. Tough lesson to handle. The wicked seem to prosper and get by for now. But not for eternity. So I keep that in mind when the wounds want to open back up, and the temptation for bitterness and anger show up. I have to give it back to the Lord, and let Him carry out the judgment when His time is right.
I read Corrie Ten Boom's book, the Hiding Place, and also some other books that she wrote. She found it very hard to forgive the very ones who had tortured her in the prison camps. She met up with one of the guards later in her life. She had just preached a message of forgiveness. Then, as she was leaving the platform, she was faced with a test of that forgiveness, because there in front of her was the very guard who had tortured and demeaned and even perhaps caused the death of her dear sister. Old feelings of hate, and horror rose up in her like bile in her mouth. The guard stuck out his hand to her, and said, Corrie, will you forgive me. She said that she struggled within her heart for a long moment, and closed her eyes, and said, Lord, I can't forgive this man. And the Lord spoke to her, and said, YOU can't, but I can. Corrie said she was able to open her eyes, look that guard straight in the eye, and tell him she had forgiven him, but she knew, SHE had not done the work, the Lord Jesus had.
This story spoke to me so strongly, and I can't get it out of my mind. If she could forgive a man who had caused such terrible things to happen to her, I have no choice but to believe that the Lord will help me forgive those who have hurt me.
Now, I know your analogy about being run over by a truck is true. There are injuries and wounds caused that may never completely heal. Yet, if we believe that the shed blood of Jesus is able to remit any sins we have sinned, surely we can believe that the work on Calvary is able to allow a complete work of healing in our lives to take place through forgiveness. I believe it is true, for I have experienced it myself.
Just try it, ILG, just try praying, truly praying for those who have hurt you, and see if the Lord doesn't do the healing work in your life that you desire.
You are gifted, talented and your true spirit shines in so many ways here on the forum. I believe the Lord is wanting to open a new chapter in your life, a new door to walk for you to walk through.
As a fellow sister in Christ, I humbly share the above, believing above all in a Saviour who can heal, not just our bodies, but our hearts and He can restore far more, above and beyond what you can see with your natural eyes.
Praying for you about all this, my friend
:hugs