[freeatlast]

Here's an interesting article for all the TRUE three steppers who believe it's compliance to their literal interpretation of acts 2:38 or hell for eterintiy.
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Breaking News: Pentecostal Heaven Moved to Hell

In a press release today, the archangel Michael announced God's plan to relocate Pentecostal Heaven to the Second Circle of Hell*.

The move was voted in after extensive negotiations with Pentecostals In Paradise (PIP), an action group composed of deceased Pentecostals residing in Heaven. The group recently filed a lawsuit against God alleging fraud and breach of contract.

"We were promised eternal bliss in Heaven if we obeyed all the rules," explained Brother George Griffin, a spokesman for PIP. "And then we get up here . . . and we're just not happy at all. There are lots of folks here who shouldn't be here. And we're bored. What's there to do here for people like us?"

In response to the lawsuit, Archangel Michael stated that the Pentecostals had no basis for their lawsuit. "They never read the Contract," he said. "If they had read it, they would know that it doesn't say that people get to Heaven by keeping rules." In response to the Pentecostal complaint of boredom, he pointed out that there is an endless variety of activities provided in Heaven, including swimming, golfing, baseball, tennis, and socializing with any of billions of people. "We've never had any complaints before the Pentecostals arrived," Michael said, "and we've been in business for a very long time".

But Griffin says that sort of happiness is not good enough. "Those are worldly activities," he said. "It is insulting that God would expect holy people such as ourselves play sports. And getting to know the people around here? He must be joking! You wouldn't believe the sinners that made it here--women who wore pants and cut their hair, men who wore earrings . . . it's disgusting. And the worst part is that we are not allowed to lead them to the Truth!"

The final straw, according to Griffin, was God's refusal to hear a petition to build a purgatory for residents of Heaven who refused to convert to Pentecostalism. "We really feel that these people should have gone to Hell," Griffin explained, "but we thought at least we could reach a compromise on this by arranging for a temporary stay in Purgatory for those that will not comply with Holiness Standards. How can we expect to change people when we can't threaten them with anything? And how can we be happy when we have to live next to these sinners and treat them like God's children? Some of the male and female souls still actually go swimming together in the same lake!"

When a bystander pointed out that there is no sexuality in Heaven anyway, Griffin protested that co-swimming by people who used to be sexual beings of differing gender still offended his personal Holy Ghost, and so he knew it must still be a sin.

Gabriel, a spokesangel for the God administration, says that the relocation of the Pentecostals to Hell is not intended as a punishment, but is actually expected to increase the happiness of the Pentecostals. "These are people that just can't be happy unless they are miserable," he explained. "They need to have someone to yell at and threaten, and they need to feel persecuted at the same time. Heaven just isn't set up that way. After we discussed it for a while, it became apparent that a relocation was necessary."

According to sources within the Administration, it was St. Peter who first proposed that a Heaven for Pentecostals and a Hell for Sinners could be quite conveniently combined. In Hell, Pentecostals would be free to threaten and jeer at real sinners, and, furthermore, living amid flames and sulfur would thoroughly satisfy their martyr complex and give them an opportunity to suffer for the Truth. The Second Circle of Hell was chosen because it contains those condemned for lust, and there is nothing that Pentecostals like better than condemning people for lust.

PIP enthusiastically approved the proposal and dropped the lawsuit. The relocation is planned for early next month. However, a brief visit to Hell by Pentecostal leaders did raise some concerns. Shortly after the relocation was announced this morning, PIP leaders began circulating a petition arguing for a reorganization of Hell.

"We feel that the levels of Hell are all wrong," said Mike Pratt, vice-president of PIP's Relocation Committee. "While we are happy about being able to preach against the Lustful again, we feel that they should be in a lower circle. The current structure of Hell has them above the Gluttons and the Heretics--levels that contain many fine Pentecostals that I knew in my lifetime."

The petition calls for changing the Second Circle to the lowest level of Hell and raising the Heretics in the Sixth Circle up to the First Circle, where the climate is relatively mild.

So far, the administration of Heaven has no comment on the proposed changes.