Originally Posted by Holy Roller
U P D A T E
Through some consistent prayer and meditating, I have gradually gotten over my loneliness. I have used it to get closer to the Lord, and spent more time praying. Naturally, that brought the devil to fight me hard. I went through a dry period in my prayer life, but I had a great breakthrough riding solo in my car this past Saturday. That, followed by two great services this past Sunday, have brought me through this patch of loneliness.
I appreciate all of your prayers as well.
In saying all of that, I feel like there's something else that has come from all of this. And that something isn't good.
On a few different occasions, different people have warned me not to allow my tender and loving heart to be under attack. Well, turns out the devil did attack this ole heart of mine, and in some cases, yes I did feed that hurt and depression.
I shouldn't have, but I did.
Anyways, I now have this perpetual fear that I won't ever be able to love people like I once did. I find myself consistently praying that the Lord restore my heart to have a love and compassionate spirit for sinners, backsliders, enemies, those that have hurt me, and fellow Christians.
It seems the hurt that allowed to come in my heart has made me something along the lines of numb. I don't really feel that it's bitterness, but a numbness. There's a difference. I honestly feel like I have forgiven the people I feel have wronged or hurt me, but at the same time, I simply cannot allow myself to go to the same place with them any longer.
My heart's on lock down. That's one way to put it. I've been encouraged --- by different people --- to put people at arm's length; to be their friend, but not let them be mine. It's terribly hard for me to do that. Once I put someone at arm's length, I generally erase (for the lack of a better word) those people from my life.
They're simply cut off.
And I keep reminding myself that was the old me, and that I've got to be better than that now. It's easier said than done, however.
I'd like to ask each of you to help me pray that I get this heart issue of mine straightened out. I want to the love I once had, but I fear I won't ever have it again.
Thanks in advance. God bless!
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