[Bro Flame]

I'm sure that I'm not the only one her on AFF that has issues with loneliness. Certainly I am aware that the Bible tells us that Jesus will never forsake us, but I've had a time actually accepting that in my heart.

On several different occasions when I've had conversations with elders in the Church, they have warned my to guard my heart. In many instances, I have been known to give far too much in my friendships and other relationships.

I have multiple examples of where I've given my all in a friendship only to it blow up in my face. I get my heart and feelings tangled up in these friendships, only to have the sideline me.

I've gotten use to not having a close friend. I don't have one outside of Jesus.

In the past few months, these friendships have come to a head. I've come to the realization that I shouldn't expect any more out of anyone when they haven't given me any reason to. It's like I'm everyone's friend only when it's convenient for them. No one is there unless their other friends (their real friends) aren't there. I'm only a friend by default. Not by choice. And it gets tiring.

At the same time, I've also realized that I must watch how these things effect me and my heart. For a while, I struggled with the fear of my heart been tangled up in bitterness and hardness; I have had eventually broken past most of it.

I still have my sad hours, however. I'm far too sensitive and I have to stop wearing that sensitivity on my sleeves. But if I develop a harder exterior, I can't help but cut people off. I cannot seem to find a balance of having people at arm's length. I either give it all or give absolutely nothing.

I've gotten to the point to where I've even occasionally prayed that the Lord help me get use to being close friendless, and spending the majority of my time solo.

I just ask that each of you here help me pray that I can deal with loneliness properly, and that I don't allow my heart to become hard and bitter. I want to be able to love people the way I need to, but I don't want to be hurt in the process.

Maybe I can't have it both ways? Is that wanting my cake and wanting to eat it, too?

Help me pray.

In Jesus' Name,
Holy Roller