What would you do? Child's Friend Self-Mutilating

[MissBrattified]

How would you respond if you found out one of your kids' friends was self-mutilating/cutting? I found out from my oldest daughter (15) that one of my youngest daughter's (age 13) friends is struggling with this issue.

The parents of the girl know about it; my youngest daughter is aware of it and has discussed it with the friend.

1. I realize the girl needs help. She also struggles with anorexia and often comments about how ugly she is (she isn't ugly at all--but obviously has a terrible self-image)
2. My daughter isn't a therapist, so she isn't the one to offer help, but she can still be a friend.
3. I don't intend [at this point] to break off the friendship, but should limits be placed on their relationship, and if so, what kind?
4. Do you consider cutting to be a disorder/mental illness, a reaction to internal distress, a learned behavior, or any/all of the above? Something else?
5. What would you say to your child if one of their friends was doing this?
6. If she comes to our house, should I limit their privacy?
7. Would you be completely unconcerned? Let your child handle it as they see fit?

I don't have any more details, because I haven't talked to my 13 year old yet. I'm still trying to figure out how to approach this. Actually, I'm not yet sure if I will even come right out and ask her about it. She's likely going to be upset that her older sister broke a confidence, so I may try to pull it out of her first without letting her know that I already know. I may decide to observe and not say anything.

Thoughts?

[rgcraig]

I would sit tight. Observe - - you might be able to see the cuttings yourself, then you'll be able to ask your daughter about it.

However, I would limit their privacy just until you get a better feel on the situation.

The worse thing you could do is cut off the friendship - - that child is SCREAMING for attention and needs a friend.

[rgcraig]

I'm sure you've already surfed the net for into, but this looks pretty informative:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

[Azzan]

I skimmed Renda's link. It's very good.

Here are some thoughts off the top of my head. I know of what I speak for I went through a cutting period myself about 18 years ago.

1. The girl need professional help.
2. Yes, the girl needs friends who won't judge.
3. Can't say.
4. It's a coping mechanism not a cry for attention.
5. It's a teaching moment. I would try to honestly explore the subject.
6. Yes although I doubt she would do anything in your house. Depends upon what sets her off.
7. Can't say.

PM me if you want more info, I'm not going to go into details here.

[jfrog]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

How would you respond if you found out one of your kids' friends was self-mutilating/cutting? I found out from my oldest daughter (15) that one of my youngest daughter's (age 13) friends is struggling with this issue.

The parents of the girl know about it; my youngest daughter is aware of it and has discussed it with the friend.

1. I realize the girl needs help. She also struggles with anorexia and often comments about how ugly she is (she isn't ugly at all--but obviously has a terrible self-image)
2. My daughter isn't a therapist, so she isn't the one to offer help, but she can still be a friend.
3. I don't intend [at this point] to break off the friendship, but should limits be placed on their relationship, and if so, what kind?
4. Do you consider cutting to be a disorder/mental illness, a reaction to internal distress, a learned behavior, or any/all of the above? Something else?
5. What would you say to your child if one of their friends was doing this?
6. If she comes to our house, should I limit their privacy?
7. Would you be completely unconcerned? Let your child handle it as they see fit?

I don't have any more details, because I haven't talked to my 13 year old yet. I'm still trying to figure out how to approach this. Actually, I'm not yet sure if I will even come right out and ask her about it. She's likely going to be upset that her older sister broke a confidence, so I may try to pull it out of her first without letting her know that I already know. I may decide to observe and not say anything.

Thoughts?

I knew at least 2 girls that did this and they were both friends. I'm still friends with one. The other I have no idea how she is anymore. I'm not sure who started first and whether it influenced the other one at all. I think it's a mental disorder but I do think that if a kid was susceptible to such behavior then having a friend be open about cutting might make her more likely to start cutting.

I would think a person does it to give themselves some kind of release though, I have no idea how that works.

As far as what I would tell my daughter if I had one... I would make sure she knew it wasn't up to her to fix the problem but that she could be there for her friend.

I wouldn't limit privacy anymore than usual but I think I would ask my daughter to tell me if the other girl ever did that in front of her or here in general. I would limit privacy if that was happening.

I would be concerned and depending on the child I would let her handle it as she sees fit. But I would try to provide resources and advice on ways to handle it.

[MissBrattified]

Good link, Renda. Thanks. I hadn't actually googled it (surprise, surprise!)--I've been too busy worrying about it.

Azzan: PM incoming.

Originally Posted by jfrog

I knew at least 2 girls that did this and they were both friends. I'm still friends with one. The other I have no idea how she is anymore. I'm not sure who started first and whether it influenced the other one at all. I think it's a mental disorder but I do think that if a kid was susceptible to such behavior then having a friend be open about cutting might make her more likely to start cutting.

I don't think my daughters are susceptible to a behavior like this, but then what parent expects it? Scary. That's why it's so important to be involved in your kids' lives, pay attention and keep lines of communication open. And even then, things happen.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

I don't think my daughters are susceptible to a behavior like this, but then what parent expects it? Scary. That's why it's so important to be involved in your kids' lives, pay attention and keep lines of communication open. And even then, things happen.

Praying for you and your family, Bratti! Information is good, help is good - direction from God, for yourself, is very, very good! I pray to that end. He will tell you what to do!

[missourimary]

I never cut, but I did hurt myself in other ways. I did it because I'd get so angry with myself and because I felt that no one loved me. It was a childish way of punishing myself and working through things that I couldn't understand but felt must be true. There was also emotional release in taking the anger out on someone, even if it was myself. I've heard there's even more emotional release in cutting, as well as release of pain blocking hormones, but I'm not sure of that.

Kids may be more open than they were 25-30 years ago, but I would NEVER have self-harmed in front of someone. My pain was too private. I stopped after my first real encounter with Jesus--at that point, I knew beyond a doubt that I was loved. Cutting is talked about more now; if I had a daughter who's sister told me about her friend, I'd be careful. You might want to talk to both girls about teen issues like depression, cutting, eating disorders, and suicide, or you might want to wait until you see signs of cutting to discuss it. You don't want your daughter to feel betrayed by her sister. Once she came to me or I could see signs of cutting, I'd talk to her about proper ways to ask for help and work through pain, sorrow, grief, and etc. I'd make sure she knew that self-harm doesn't make a situation any better, but only adds more embarrassment and shame in the long run. And most of all, let your daughter know that you love her unconditionally and that you will be there for her no matter what she needs to discuss--to listen and love, not condemn. She should also know that it's not her fault and that the best thing she can do is keep you informed of any discussions or episodes of cutting in the friend who cuts.

The last thing I would do is stop the friendship, unless your daughter was in some kind of danger. I would be more apt to have the friend come to my house instead of my daughter going to hers until I knew what she might be dealing with--sometimes family problems are part of the cause and sometimes not, but I wouldn't want to risk it until I knew my daughter would be safe there.

[Scott Hutchinson]

I would say pray for this family,and I would let my daughter be a friend,to this child as she needs a good friend.

[Cindy]

I wonder if kids cut to feel something? They may be emotionally numb for some reason.