What is marriage?

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by good samaritan

This week I am going to be doing a few hours of marriage counseling. I have been married nearly 17 years with 4 kids and one one the way, so I have a little experience, but I want to have thorough biblical view. Often times i get different perspectives when I have posted on here. Please share biblical perspectives (scripture references would be a +). I am doing plenty of personal study, but just would like to hear how others on here would define marriage.

This week? Short order.

So they have basically decided to get married, so the counseling would not really focus on allowing them to determine if the proposed marriage is the correct course of action (I think that type of counseling requires more advanced warning).

So that leaves you with going over the basics and reaffirming the permanency of marriage, and the respective obligations of husband and wife, and parents and children.

Since you are collecting information which will be formatted by you, I'll just throw some things out here that you can collate and organise as you want.

1. Marriage is a permanent union between a man and a woman, ordained by God: (Gen 2:18-24, Matt 19:6)

2. Husbands and wives have certain mutual responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, including:
a) wives are to obey their husbands, allowing the man to be the head of the household and leader of the family
b) husbands are to love their wives, they are to care for and protect and provide for their wives and surrender their own personal will to the cause of the marriage and providing for the family
(Eph 5:22-33)
NOTE: the primary key thoughts in that passage is that men are to love their wives, and wives are to reverence their husbands. Women need to be loved primarily, whereas men need to be reverenced primarily. A huge mistake is made when women think their husband's primary felt need is to "be loved". While that's great, and needed, it isn't the MAIN thing. A man has a need to lead, he is built that way by God. Therefore the main thing he needs from his wife is to be respected as a leader. The woman on the other hand, while she certainly needs to be given proper and due respect, has a different built in primary need: the need to be loved, to know assuredly that her husband has her best interests at heart and is doing everything he can to take care of her needs both material, spiritual, and psychological. Little displays of affection such as giving the woman a flower and saying "I love you" etc are extremely important to women, whereas they are not quite as important to men. So the man has to make sure he is giving her what she needs, and the woman should understand that what REALLY matters to a God-fearing husband is not so much that she squeezes his hand and tells him she is enraptured by his good looks etc but rather that she respects him as a leader and is willing to follow his lead.

3. Children are a blessing from God, and are part of the inheritance God has for His people (Psalm 127:3). Therefore they are not to be viewed as hindrances or obstacles or problems or burdens, but as gifts from God. While their behaviour may at times be problematic, their existence is not. And therefore family planning should not view children as an EXPENSE, but as a GIFT. Which in turn means that BIBLICAL family planning should not approach children from the viewpoint of "Can we afford a(nother) child?" but rather "What God gives He provides for."

4. Large numbers of children are preferable to the standard "1.5 average children" promoted by worldly propaganda (Psalm 127:4-5). They are preferable not merely because more godly children equals "winning against the world by sheer numbers" but also because more children equals Mom and Dad usually don't wind up in a nursing home when they are old because they have more children who can take care of them, the responsibilities are spread out. It also means the entire family is stronger, the children have more siblings to rely on for assistance in life, as do the cousins, nieces, and nephews, etc. Children are "arrows", that is, weapons as it were that a man uses to advance the position, state or condition of his family in the world. "They shall speak with the enemies in the gates" means they will be prominent in society and will affect politics, so the more godly children a man has the more people there will be who will contend with the wicked for the cause of Christ.

5. Parents are responsible for the education of their children and are required to provide a Christian, Biblical, godly education for them (Eph 6:4, Deut 6:4-7). It will be observed that the Bible makes no provision for "public school" and in fact prohibits turning one's children over to the heathen for their upbringing and education. Whether homeschool or private school or private tutoring or whichever path parents take, it must be a Christian education that is given and the parents are accountable for whatever is taught (hiring a private school to teach one's children simply means the school is the hired servant of the parents, and so the parents are still accountable for what is taught, and this is also true if the parents put their children in a public school).

[Evang.Benincasa]

Originally Posted by good samaritan

I have not really had close inside kind of friends for that length of time. I am very private about things, I learned early on that it is very dangerous in confiding in personal things. In my personal marriage we really grew when we realized there is no magic secret advice someone can give. Instead, my wife and I matured enough to realize we are both human and we try to take things in stride (the good with the bad). Where is that question going? Lol

Well, that’s what you do in long term relationships.
What you explained about your wife, is what happens with good faithful friends.

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Esaias

This week? Short order.

So they have basically decided to get married, so the counseling would not really focus on allowing them to determine if the proposed marriage is the correct course of action (I think that type of counseling requires more advanced warning).

So that leaves you with going over the basics and reaffirming the permanency of marriage, and the respective obligations of husband and wife, and parents and children.

Since you are collecting information which will be formatted by you, I'll just throw some things out here that you can collate and organise as you want.

1. Marriage is a permanent union between a man and a woman, ordained by God: (Gen 2:18-24, Matt 19:6)

2. Husbands and wives have certain mutual responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, including:
a) wives are to obey their husbands, allowing the man to be the head of the household and leader of the family
b) husbands are to love their wives, they are to care for and protect and provide for their wives and surrender their own personal will to the cause of the marriage and providing for the family
(Eph 5:22-33)
NOTE: the primary key thoughts in that passage is that men are to love their wives, and wives are to reverence their husbands. Women need to be loved primarily, whereas men need to be reverenced primarily. A huge mistake is made when women think their husband's primary felt need is to "be loved". While that's great, and needed, it isn't the MAIN thing. A man has a need to lead, he is built that way by God. Therefore the main thing he needs from his wife is to be respected as a leader. The woman on the other hand, while she certainly needs to be given proper and due respect, has a different built in primary need: the need to be loved, to know assuredly that her husband has her best interests at heart and is doing everything he can to take care of her needs both material, spiritual, and psychological. Little displays of affection such as giving the woman a flower and saying "I love you" etc are extremely important to women, whereas they are not quite as important to men. So the man has to make sure he is giving her what she needs, and the woman should understand that what REALLY matters to a God-fearing husband is not so much that she squeezes his hand and tells him she is enraptured by his good looks etc but rather that she respects him as a leader and is willing to follow his lead.

3. Children are a blessing from God, and are part of the inheritance God has for His people (Psalm 127:3). Therefore they are not to be viewed as hindrances or obstacles or problems or burdens, but as gifts from God. While their behaviour may at times be problematic, their existence is not. And therefore family planning should not view children as an EXPENSE, but as a GIFT. Which in turn means that BIBLICAL family planning should not approach children from the viewpoint of "Can we afford a(nother) child?" but rather "What God gives He provides for."

4. Large numbers of children are preferable to the standard "1.5 average children" promoted by worldly propaganda (Psalm 127:4-5). They are preferable not merely because more godly children equals "winning against the world by sheer numbers" but also because more children equals Mom and Dad usually don't wind up in a nursing home when they are old because they have more children who can take care of them, the responsibilities are spread out. It also means the entire family is stronger, the children have more siblings to rely on for assistance in life, as do the cousins, nieces, and nephews, etc. Children are "arrows", that is, weapons as it were that a man uses to advance the position, state or condition of his family in the world. "They shall speak with the enemies in the gates" means they will be prominent in society and will affect politics, so the more godly children a man has the more people there will be who will contend with the wicked for the cause of Christ.

5. Parents are responsible for the education of their children and are required to provide a Christian, Biblical, godly education for them (Eph 6:4, Deut 6:4-7). It will be observed that the Bible makes no provision for "public school" and in fact prohibits turning one's children over to the heathen for their upbringing and education. Whether homeschool or private school or private tutoring or whichever path parents take, it must be a Christian education that is given and the parents are accountable for whatever is taught (hiring a private school to teach one's children simply means the school is the hired servant of the parents, and so the parents are still accountable for what is taught, and this is also true if the parents put their children in a public school).

Thank you for taking the time on the response. The people involved are very young and often don’t see the seriousness of marriage. Actually I didn’t either when I first got married. God was and is my anchor though. I think that is key ingredient.

[Esaias]

To the chief Musician upon Shoshannim, for the sons of Korah, Maschil, A Song of loves.

My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever. Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty. And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things. Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king's enemies; whereby the people fall under thee. Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre. Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows. All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces, whereby they have made thee glad. Kings' daughters were among thy honourable women: upon thy right hand did stand the queen in gold of Ophir.

Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father's house; So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him. And the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour. The king's daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework: the virgins her companions that follow her shall be brought unto thee. With gladness and rejoicing shall they be brought: they shall enter into the king's palace. Instead of thy fathers shall be thy children, whom thou mayest make princes in all the earth. I will make thy name to be remembered in all generations: therefore shall the people praise thee for ever and ever.

(Psa 45:1-17)

Psalm 45 is a wedding psalm. It speaks of the relationship between the King and His Bride. We understand this ultimately in relation to Christ and His Church, but according to Paul the marriage of Christ and His Church is the model for the relationship between a husband and a wife. So some lessons can be taken from this Psalm and applied to the marriage of a man and woman.

Remarks:

1. The Groom is described as "fair" ie handsome, but the reason is not because of good looks but because "grace is poured into thy lips". That is, the man's goodly qualities are primarily determined by the words of grace which have been given to him, which is to say by his reception and partaking of the grace of the Gospel. That Word being given to him is then shared by him so that his speech is "grace, seasoned with salt" which is to say he speaks the truth of God's Word. His life is therefore blessed by God, because "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh".

2. He is commanded to gird on his sword with his glory and majesty. He is told to prepare as a warrior for battle with the expectation of victory. A husband is to act like a man, like a warrior ready to go forth and conquer any obstacles. The life of ease is left to others, a husband is setting forth on a campaign of conquest which requires discipline and courage. He is going to "ride forth prosperously", that is to say he is going out there in the world to defeat his enemies with an expectation of success. This requires foresight and planning, if you do not plan for success you cannot expect victory. A man's business is to lead and to conquer, in whatever sphere of life God has placed him.

3. His happiness (the oil of gladness) is dependent upon loving righteousness and hating wickedness. A prosperous, victorious, conquering warrior-groom requires a godly moral character and worldview. As a man conforms his life to the Word of God, so his realistic expectation of genuine happiness increases. Success, happiness and satisfaction comes from doing the will of God.

4. The Bride is instructed to "forget her own people" and to "worship her lord" in order to secure the love of her husband. This means he is to be paramount in her life, the main person she seeks to please, rather than her own parents. This doesn't mean she literally abandons her own family in order to be married, but it means the husband (and by extension her new family) becomes her true family. Her allegiance is to be primarily towards her husband and the children God gives them, not her mom and dad and siblings.

5. The wife is instructed to reverence her husband as if he were a grand and majestic conquering warrior-king. This is exactly what men need, and it results in the husband "greatly desiring her beauty." Lady, you want your husband to be romantic, to always be enraptured with you? Then treat him like a king, and you will be treated like a queen, greatly desired by him.

6. The wife discovers that this relationship is bound to become a cause of envy among her peers. This is not necessarily meant in a bad sense, but in the sense that her peers will recognise she has got a good thing going, and she becomes someone to be emulated, imitated, a role model for other women. A woman elevates her social status not by being "independent" and "career minded" but by being a godly wife to a godly husband. And while the wicked will not understand, and may mock, they do so out of a subconscious jealousy, in reality wishing they had it so good.

7. The woman, in trading her "fathers" for her husband, acquires children. As proud as she may have been of her ancestors, her children now give her pride. This means her children are blessed and will surpass what came before. She is no longer merely the daughter of kings, but the mother of royalty. Her reputation then is based not on her personal beauty but on how awesome and successful and glorious her children will be.

A husband and wife who take Psalm 45 as an ideal to be striven for, as the model for marriage, who exert themselves in fulfilling the ideals pictured, will reap the rewards promised in this Divinely inspired wedding psalm.

[good samaritan]

I have noticed that the Old Testament is vague on the consummation of marriage. They took them wives, is pretty much the depth of information given about the ceremony of officiating marriage. The Old Testament men viewed wives as property that came with a mutual responsibility of being a provider/processor. I feel like that act of taking a wife in ancient times was similar to buying property where the only people involved in officiating was the seller(father of daughter) and the buyer(groom). I personally think it would be more biblical that the father of then brides where the one’s officiating in marriage ceremonies. I am not teaching on that of coarse, but I find it interesting.

[Amanah]

Beautiful teaching Brother Esaias!

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Esaias

To the chief Musician upon Shoshannim, for the sons of Korah, Maschil, A Song of loves.

My heart is inditing a good matter: I speak of the things which I have made touching the king: my tongue is the pen of a ready writer. Thou art fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into thy lips: therefore God hath blessed thee for ever. Gird thy sword upon thy thigh, O most mighty, with thy glory and thy majesty. And in thy majesty ride prosperously because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and thy right hand shall teach thee terrible things. Thine arrows are sharp in the heart of the king's enemies; whereby the people fall under thee. Thy throne, O God, is for ever and ever: the sceptre of thy kingdom is a right sceptre. Thou lovest righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, thy God, hath anointed thee with the oil of gladness above thy fellows. All thy garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out of the ivory palaces, whereby they have made thee glad. Kings' daughters were among thy honourable women: upon thy right hand did stand the queen in gold of Ophir.

Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father's house; So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him. And the daughter of Tyre shall be there with a gift; even the rich among the people shall intreat thy favour. The king's daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold. She shall be brought unto the king in raiment of needlework: the virgins her companions that follow her shall be brought unto thee. With gladness and rejoicing shall they be brought: they shall enter into the king's palace. Instead of thy fathers shall be thy children, whom thou mayest make princes in all the earth. I will make thy name to be remembered in all generations: therefore shall the people praise thee for ever and ever.

(Psa 45:1-17)

Psalm 45 is a wedding psalm. It speaks of the relationship between the King and His Bride. We understand this ultimately in relation to Christ and His Church, but according to Paul the marriage of Christ and His Church is the model for the relationship between a husband and a wife. So some lessons can be taken from this Psalm and applied to the marriage of a man and woman.

Remarks:

1. The Groom is described as "fair" ie handsome, but the reason is not because of good looks but because "grace is poured into thy lips". That is, the man's goodly qualities are primarily determined by the words of grace which have been given to him, which is to say by his reception and partaking of the grace of the Gospel. That Word being given to him is then shared by him so that his speech is "grace, seasoned with salt" which is to say he speaks the truth of God's Word. His life is therefore blessed by God, because "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh".

2. He is commanded to gird on his sword with his glory and majesty. He is told to prepare as a warrior for battle with the expectation of victory. A husband is to act like a man, like a warrior ready to go forth and conquer any obstacles. The life of ease is left to others, a husband is setting forth on a campaign of conquest which requires discipline and courage. He is going to "ride forth prosperously", that is to say he is going out there in the world to defeat his enemies with an expectation of success. This requires foresight and planning, if you do not plan for success you cannot expect victory. A man's business is to lead and to conquer, in whatever sphere of life God has placed him.

3. His happiness (the oil of gladness) is dependent upon loving righteousness and hating wickedness. A prosperous, victorious, conquering warrior-groom requires a godly moral character and worldview. As a man conforms his life to the Word of God, so his realistic expectation of genuine happiness increases. Success, happiness and satisfaction comes from doing the will of God.

4. The Bride is instructed to "forget her own people" and to "worship her lord" in order to secure the love of her husband. This means he is to be paramount in her life, the main person she seeks to please, rather than her own parents. This doesn't mean she literally abandons her own family in order to be married, but it means the husband (and by extension her new family) becomes her true family. Her allegiance is to be primarily towards her husband and the children God gives them, not her mom and dad and siblings.

5. The wife is instructed to reverence her husband as if he were a grand and majestic conquering warrior-king. This is exactly what men need, and it results in the husband "greatly desiring her beauty." Lady, you want your husband to be romantic, to always be enraptured with you? Then treat him like a king, and you will be treated like a queen, greatly desired by him.

6. The wife discovers that this relationship is bound to become a cause of envy among her peers. This is not necessarily meant in a bad sense, but in the sense that her peers will recognise she has got a good thing going, and she becomes someone to be emulated, imitated, a role model for other women. A woman elevates her social status not by being "independent" and "career minded" but by being a godly wife to a godly husband. And while the wicked will not understand, and may mock, they do so out of a subconscious jealousy, in reality wishing they had it so good.

7. The woman, in trading her "fathers" for her husband, acquires children. As proud as she may have been of her ancestors, her children now give her pride. This means her children are blessed and will surpass what came before. She is no longer merely the daughter of kings, but the mother of royalty. Her reputation then is based not on her personal beauty but on how awesome and successful and glorious her children will be.

A husband and wife who take Psalm 45 as an ideal to be striven for, as the model for marriage, who exert themselves in fulfilling the ideals pictured, will reap the rewards promised in this Divinely inspired wedding psalm.

. Awesome stuff!!! You need compile into a book.

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by good samaritan

I have noticed that the Old Testament is vague on the consummation of marriage. They took them wives, is pretty much the depth of information given about the ceremony of officiating marriage. The Old Testament men viewed wives as property that came with a mutual responsibility of being a provider/processor. I feel like that act of taking a wife in ancient times was similar to buying property where the only people involved in officiating was the seller(father of daughter) and the buyer(groom). I personally think it would be more biblical that the father of then brides where the one’s officiating in marriage ceremonies. I am not teaching on that of coarse, but I find it interesting.

Biblically, the parents were the ones who "married" the bride and groom, rather than some priest or elder. The marriage was officiated by the parents agreeing to the marriage, some token was exchanged (the "bride price" or "dowry"), and the man took the woman back to his home.

Most marriages included a "wedding" which was a feast. It was a celebration of a new family being created. It would not be inappropriate for an elder of the church who was present to say some words on the subject of marriage, but the actual act of "marrying" a couple is not done by a preacher or priest. Rather it is an arrangement (a covenant) between the man and the woman, and their parents.

We often hear about debates concerning "the age of consent". The world thinks that refers to the legal age at which people can fornicate. But in reality, the entire concept of "age of consent" had to do with the age at which a person could get married without parental consent. In pretty much all western Christian civilisation, for most of its history except the last 100 years, the age of consent was either set at whenever the parents were dead, or at best was in the mid-late 20s or early 30s. Meaning, until you were around 25-30 years old you could not get married without parental consent. In fact, those ages of consent crept in during the Renaissance for the most part. Earlier, you simply couldn't get married at all without parental consent unless you were a widow or widower, or parentless.

If we look at Adam and Eve, we find that the parent (God) of both parties presented and arranged the marriage with the consent of the parties. That would be the ideal.

The Bible does teach that parents have the authority to forbid or permit marriage of their offspring. There is no age limit given. Eloping is simply not an option, Biblically.

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by Amanah

Beautiful teaching Brother Esaias!

Originally Posted by good samaritan

. Awesome stuff!!! You need compile into a book.

I taught this at the wedding when I gave my daughter in marriage to her husband. I have a feeling though both of them were so caught up in the wedding that they probably didn't pay too much attention to anything being said, just waiting for the moment they could kiss lol.

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by Esaias

Biblically, the parents were the ones who "married" the bride and groom, rather than some priest or elder. The marriage was officiated by the parents agreeing to the marriage, some token was exchanged (the "bride price" or "dowry"), and the man took the woman back to his home.

Most marriages included a "wedding" which was a feast. It was a celebration of a new family being created. It would not be inappropriate for an elder of the church who was present to say some words on the subject of marriage, but the actual act of "marrying" a couple is not done by a preacher or priest. Rather it is an arrangement (a covenant) between the man and the woman, and their parents.

We often hear about debates concerning "the age of consent". The world thinks that refers to the legal age at which people can fornicate. But in reality, the entire concept of "age of consent" had to do with the age at which a person could get married without parental consent. In pretty much all western Christian civilisation, for most of its history except the last 100 years, the age of consent was either set at whenever the parents were dead, or at best was in the mid-late 20s or early 30s. Meaning, until you were around 25-30 years old you could not get married without parental consent. In fact, those ages of consent crept in during the Renaissance for the most part. Earlier, you simply couldn't get married at all without parental consent unless you were a widow or widower, or parentless.

If we look at Adam and Eve, we find that the parent (God) of both parties presented and arranged the marriage with the consent of the parties. That would be the ideal.

The Bible does teach that parents have the authority to forbid or permit marriage of their offspring. There is no age limit given. Eloping is simply not an option, Biblically.

This is why in the western traditional wedding the husband of the bride walks her down and presents her to the groom, and the officiant asks "Who gives this woman in marriage?" or something similar. That's the origin of the whole "Father of the bride gives her away in marriage". It is also the origin of the officiant asking "Does anyone object to this union?" which is nowadays pure ceremonial but used to be an actual legal requirement, and any objections raised had to be successfully dealt with and resolved prior to the wedding being concluded. Generally, the only people who could object would be either the parents of the parties involved, or a third party whose objection would be along the lines of "I'm already married to one of the parties so this marriage is illegal" or something like that.