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Old 11-18-2013, 08:09 AM
Aquila Aquila is offline
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HELP!!!: Death and Children

It looks like my great grandmother is dying. You see, she has congestive heart failure, pneumonia, and several other things going on. She's been unconscious and on a respirator all week. When they took her off of it, she couldn't breathe on her own. The doctors are telling us that they want to see if there is any change today or tomorrow. If there isn't, they advise that we consider if we are prepared to let her go.

Now, here's my question. My son (7 years old) has been visiting her with me the past couple months. And so he's kind of built a relationship with her. When I broke this news to him last night, he cried. I told him that I was going to the hospital to see her and he said that he wanted to come too. I explained that she was unconscious and that she was on a respirator. I acted out what it's like and explained everything for him. He still wants to go. I talked to a few people about it and they think that it would be good closure for him. It will also generate questions that he needs to have answered. They also see it as an experience that will create stronger bonds between us.

However, my ex feels that it would be inappropriate. And is giving me grief over the idea of him going to see is great grandmother and saying goodbye before she passes. She thinks he should stay home and draw her a goodbye picture.

I don't know what to do. Is she right? Am I mistaken and perhaps he is too young to deal with saying goodbye?

To add a problem into the mix... my girlfriend's daughter also grew rather close to my grandmother. Now, this little girl is also 7 (one month behind my son). She was able to say goodbye to her grandpa after he passed. She has very fond memories of her grandpa and seems not to have been negatively affected by seeing his body and saying goodbye. So, my girlfriend's daughter really wants to see my grandmother before she passes. Both kids cried and expressed sorrow over "great grandma going to Heaven". And both immediately piped up asking to go with me.

So here's the issue...

Do we deny allowing my girlfriend's daughter to see my grandmother before she passes because my ex won't allow me to take my son to see her even though both her and her mother have essentially become a part of my family?

Or do I allow her to see my grandmother and to say goodbye... without taking my own son to see her to keep my ex happy?

How will he be affected by Addy being able to see her... and him not being able to see her?

Is my ex overreacting and now allowing my son to experience death and grief???

Is this something to take a stand on???

What are some resources to either help me better understand that kids are better off being sheltered at this age... or some resources that might help me help my ex come around should 7 year olds need to have a say in saying goodbye, how they grieve, etc.?

I'm really torn.

Last edited by Aquila; 11-18-2013 at 08:12 AM.
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:21 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

My dad always said that it is wrong to shield children from the reality of life and death. my inclination would be to take your son to see his grandmother.


I am sorry you are dealing with both the loss and with the mechinations of divorce when dealing with important emotional issues.
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:31 AM
Aquila Aquila is offline
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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My dad always said that it is wrong to shield children from the reality of life and death. my inclination would be to take your son to see his grandmother.


I am sorry you are dealing with both the loss and with the mechinations of divorce when dealing with important emotional issues.
Thanks Ferd, I'm of the same opinion.
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:38 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

I have a feeling it would cause more harm to go against your ex-wife's wishes than for your son to not get to see his grandmother at his age. This is a tough call. It is possible she can speak on the phone? (Compromise). (I would treat both kids the same....what you do with one,,,you do with the other..)

The fights that may ensue afterwards would not be worth it.
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Old 11-18-2013, 08:47 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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I have a feeling it would cause more harm to go against your ex-wife's wishes than for your son to not get to see his grandmother at his age. This is a tough call. It is possible she can speak on the phone? (Compromise). (I would treat both kids the same....what you do with one,,,you do with the other..)

The fights that may ensue afterwards would not be worth it.
That's my major concern. Because, in the end she'll most likely not allow him to come over any hurt feelings from an argument. So, the effort is doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. That would just compound my son's grief and feeling left out with all the drama that would result.

The sad thing is... to keep things even we'd have to deny Addy the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandmother. Because if we allow her to say goodbye to my grandmother and we don't allow my son to... certainly she'll talk about it and my son will feel left out and denied an opportunity to say goodbye.

My ex really doesn't fully understand how complicated family dynamics become with two children in the mix. She doesn't seem to understand how far reaching her decisions are and how many people they actually affect. Sadly, it causes rifts in my new relationship. Because now my girlfriend is upset because denying her daughter the opportunity to say goodbye and experience death is denied also to keep things fair.

It sucks. We always try to do for one what we do for the other. It's so tough though when someone else doesn't realize the difficulty in doing so. And I fear that she's not thinking of the impact it will have on Noah when everyone talks about saying goodbye to my grandmother... and he discovers the reality of being left out. I know that as a parent, I'd not want an early memory of grief and loss being more negative than it had to be because I demanded he not be included. That's not a badge I'd want to wear.
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:02 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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Originally Posted by Aquila View Post
That's my major concern. Because, in the end she'll most likely not allow him to come over any hurt feelings from an argument. So, the effort is doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. That would just compound my son's grief and feeling left out with all the drama that would result.

The sad thing is... to keep things even we'd have to deny Addy the opportunity to say goodbye to my grandmother. Because if we allow her to say goodbye to my grandmother and we don't allow my son to... certainly she'll talk about it and my son will feel left out and denied an opportunity to say goodbye.

My ex really doesn't fully understand how complicated family dynamics become with two children in the mix. She doesn't seem to understand how far reaching her decisions are and how many people they actually affect. Sadly, it causes rifts in my new relationship. Because now my girlfriend is upset because denying her daughter the opportunity to say goodbye and experience death is denied also to keep things fair.

It sucks. We always try to do for one what we do for the other. It's so tough though when someone else doesn't realize the difficulty in doing so. And I fear that she's not thinking of the impact it will have on Noah when everyone talks about saying goodbye to my grandmother... and he discovers the reality of being left out. I know that as a parent, I'd not want an early memory of grief and loss being more negative than it had to be because I demanded he not be included. That's not a badge I'd want to wear.
I apologize. I missed the part where you said she is unconscious. I also didn't realize your girlfriend is also upset. I wonder how your son feels? I wonder if he would want to say goodbye or if he would rather not. Different people think differently. I think it is important to not make a big deal about saying goodbye in either case. Anyway, you're in a tough spot. I 'll keep you in my prayers.
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:03 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

Also, he could actually say goodbye over the phone as long as there was someone in the hospital room to hold the phone to her ear.
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:27 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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Thanks Ferd, I'm of the same opinion.
Me too. But I don't know if you should simply override your ex's wishes. On the other hand, why should she have final say in the matter? That's a tough one. I guess it depends on what the custody agreement is.
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:28 AM
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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Also, he could actually say goodbye over the phone as long as there was someone in the hospital room to hold the phone to her ear.
Good idea. I was going to suggest some kind of compromise, but didn't actually come up with one.
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Old 11-18-2013, 09:32 AM
Aquila Aquila is offline
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Re: HELP!!!: Death and Children

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I apologize. I missed the part where you said she is unconscious. I also didn't realize your girlfriend is also upset. I wonder how your son feels? I wonder if he would want to say goodbye or if he would rather not. Different people think differently. I think it is important to not make a big deal about saying goodbye in either case. Anyway, you're in a tough spot. I 'll keep you in my prayers.
When I explained the situation he cried. I then told him that I was going to see her and to tell her goodbye. He immediately said that he wanted to go too. I explained that she wouldn't be conscious and he was still pretty insistent. But he's 7. Should I honor what he says that he wants? Personally, I see a learning opportunity with him. It also gives him a context to ask difficult questions he might not know how to ask. Questions about death, growing old, hospitals, etc. I think sheltering him from these things isn't going to really help. But that's my opinion.
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