Joke Thread

[jwharv]

Chocolate Calories

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about
180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I
would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.




(This one made me think of CC1)

[jwharv]

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home only with her 3-year-old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911. Due to a power outage in the city at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.



The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.



Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.



The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.



Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

[jwharv]

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

[jwharv]

A man walks into a barber shop and asks; “how much for a hair cut?” The barber said $12.50. The man asks; “and how much for a shave?” The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

[jwharv]

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.

He became a hardened criminal.

[jwharv]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[jwharv]

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, “I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.”

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister.”

[jwharv]

[jwharv]

A doctor taking care of his last appointment of the day gives this man a thorough exam and finds him in optimal health. As the man is going out the door, he had a heart attack and died. The doctor looks at the man and tells the nurse, “help me turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in.”

[jwharv]

MY JOB HISTORY



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.



Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.



After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.



Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.



I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.



Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.



I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.



My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.



I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.



Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.



I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.



I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.



I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.



So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.



After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.



My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.



So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!