From the Inbox

[Tina]

THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails;

Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

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Miners Refuse to Work

After Death

Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!

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Juvenile Court to Try

Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to

Temperatures

Who would have thought!

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Enfield Couple Slain;

Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Man Struck By Lightning:

Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for

Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chain-saw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by

7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity, and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh at least once a day.

[Tina]

Checking Motives
This devotional was written by Jim Liebelt

“All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.”—Proverbs 16:2

Craig Brian Larson’s book, 750 Engaging Illustrations includes the following story:

A lady answered the knock on her door to find a man with a sad expression. “I’m sorry to disturb you,” he said, “but I’m collecting money for an unfortunate family in the neighborhood. The husband is out of work, the kids are hungry, the utilities will soon be cut off, and worse, they’re going to be kicked out of their apartment if they don’t pay the rent by this afternoon.” “I’ll be happy to help,” said the woman with great concern. “But who are you?” “I’m the landlord,” he replied.

We all have motives for the things we do. Yet, often these motives operate unchecked, below the surface of our own awareness. Could it be that like the landlord in the story, our motives for doing good deeds are too often layered with self-interest? I believe that all Christians, to one extent or another, struggle with mixed motives for our actions. When we take time to truthfully evaluate, we find that we constantly face the inward tug-of-war between saint and sinner. Like the Apostle Paul, all Christ-followers experience the desire to do those things that please the Lord, but often end up doing something different instead. Or, like the landlord in the story, we bring mixed motives to even our best attempts to serve in Jesus’ name. We serve the Lord, even while pursuing self-interests like recognition, fame, comfort, success, pride, control, money, getting someone off our back, and the like.

What’s the answer to the problem of mixed motives? Honestly, I think this is a life-long struggle we face. We need to be prepared for the battle. We can minimize the effect of our own mixed motives by being honest with ourselves, performing regular self-evaluation combined with confession and repentance. God’s grace is sufficient to help us win the daily battles. We will never completely banish this foe from our lives during this life, but we can gain the upper hand in the struggle by checking our motives regularly and by trusting God to make us more like him.

[Michael Phelps]

Reading about cats and dogs on another thread reminded me of this email I just received yesterday. I'm sure it will evoke strong emotions on both sides! Enjoy.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. ARGH!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

[Tina]

The most useless thing to do ...........Worry

The greatest Joy...............................Giving

The greatest loss.................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work...............Helping others

The ugliest personality trait......................Selfishness

The most endangered species...................Dedicated leaders

The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome.............Fear

Most effective sleeping pill.............Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease.........Excuses

The most powerful force in life......................Love

The most dangerous pariah.................................A gossiper

The world's most incredible computer..........The brain !

The worst thing to be without...................Hope

The deadliest weapon.............The tongue

The two most power-filled words..............."I Can"

The greatest asset.................Faith

The most worthless emotion................Self-pity

The most prized possession................Integrity

The most beautiful attire...................A SMILE!

The most powerful channel of communication........Prayer

The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm

The most important thing in life...............GOD

[Tina]

Help Me! I'm Stuck!
This devotional was written by Jim Liebelt

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.—Philippians 2:4

One day, a centipede walked by a tree where a wise old owl was perched. The owl asked the centipede, “You have so many legs! How do you know which one to move next?” The centipede froze in his tracks. He started thinking. He didn’t know which leg to move so he couldn’t move any. He cried to the owl, “Help me! I’m stuck!” The owl said, “My little friend, you are stuck because you are too focused on yourself. When you are focused on what is going on in the world around you, you have no thoughts about how to move. You simply move.” The centipede looked out to the horizon and saw the sun setting. “How beautiful,” the centipede said. Just then, his legs were freed and he began to walk again.

It’s been reported that Dr. Karl Menninger, a famous psychologist, once gave a lecture on mental health. During a question and answer session that followed his lecture, he was asked, “What advice would you give someone who felt a nervous breakdown coming on?” He replied, “Lock up your house, go across the railway tracks, find someone in need and do something to help that person.”

Both the story and anecdote above remind me that when we focus on ourselves – on our problems and circumstances – we can become inwardly paralyzed, preventing us from being everything that God intends for us to be, including serving others effectively. We can freeze in our own tracks.

Following Christ is not primarily an exercise in introspection, but rather of reaching out to others and lovingly serving them in His name. In times when I’ve been in tough situations, or have felt sorry for myself for some reason, I’ve experienced release from my anxiety by changing my focus to others and getting myself involved in serving. Routine self-evaluation is healthy. An obsession with self is not.

Today, if you are feeling paralyzed by the weight of a difficult personal situation, I encourage you to shift your focus from yourself to the Son and find someone you can serve in His name. The weight will seem lighter and you will start moving again.

[mozet]

Hi Tina,

thanks for the story, and I love Bleach.

[Tina]

Tears
This devotional was written by Leslie Snyder

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.—Matthew 11:28

Tears communicate. From the day a child is born tears have the powerful ability to communicate hunger, loneliness, pain, anger, and even joy. By the time a child is just a few days old, parents can distinguish not only the cries of their own child but can distinguish the exact type of need associated with that cry. The following story describes one such experience.

The screen door opened hard and slammed against the wall alerting the mother that something was wrong. With sagging shoulders, a slow, methodical pace and a tear-streamed face came the child. The mother scooped up the bundle of tears and quickly surveyed the damage. No bumps, bruises or blood could be seen but the cries of the child increased. It was then the mother recognized the cry. Beyond the pain of the moment was a deeper need being communicated - one that reached the heart of the mother unlike any other cry. It was the cry of one needing love. The mother looked at her child, still crying in a heap on the counter, and placed the child’s wet, sweaty head against her chest and clung tightly to the child. The child’s deep cries communicated something from deep within her soul. After a few minutes the cries lessened and the child became calm. Mom looked intently into the eyes of this precious life, wiped away the tears, kissed her head and went hand in hand with her back out to play.

God is like this! He’s a Father who hears our cries and can understand the difference between our different cries of pain, hurt, anger, frustration, joy and deep need. And, like the mother in the story, He longs to hold us while we cry, not saying anything but showing immeasurable love through his powerful embrace? Jesus invites us to draw near to Him for comfort. “Come to me,” He says…”Come, I will give you rest. You can cry on my shoulder. I will hold you until you let go.”

What do your cries communicate? Maybe you don’t cry or haven’t cried in many years. Just like the mother in the story above, today there is Someone waiting to hold you, to love you while you cry and His name is Jesus. He doesn’t care if you are male or female, young, old, rich, poor, or somewhere in between. He is waiting with open arms. He promises to give you rest. What are you waiting for?

[Tina]

WHY I'VE DECIDED TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, they'll come over here, and I don't want to have any guns in the house to shoot them with..

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse this time.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I'm voting Democrat because I think paying outrageously high prices for gasoline and natural gas is a good thing for the environment; besides... my house is 'All-electric'.

Makes ya wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

[Rhoni]

Attitude


There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
'H-M-M,' she said,
'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'
So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed
that she had only one hair on her head.
'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going
to wear my hair in a pony tail.'
So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed
that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YAY!' she exclaimed.
'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.


Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain

[Tina]

FRIENDS VS. SOUTHERN FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.



FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.



FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'



FRIENDS: will visit you in jail

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: will probably spend the night in jail with you.

FRIENDS: will visit you in the hospital when you're sick

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: have your number memorized



FRIENDS: Are for a while.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Might ignore this.

SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will forward this to all their Southern Friends