(2-17-02 was when I wrote this)
I ONCE WAS LOST.........
You can hear the rippling water as it splashes gently upon the rocks. The sun glimmers against the ripples as it plays hide-n-seek with the clouds.
I drive aimlessly to no where, but any where is better than sitting at that depressing house. A house that should be a home. I find no comfort at the house, nor do I find comfort in driving no where.
Restlessly, my heart stirs with emotions of emptyness. Alone, wondering the purpose of my life. There's got to be more than this.
My heart frowns loudly. I wish I could smile. I no longer feel control of anything, except that which goes into my mouth. Thats what I can take charge of.
Where is the happiness I once felt? Alone and empty as my heart and mind race, going no place. I hate these lost feelings in my soul. The void is large and I feel hollow, with empty emotions.
I see people about. They look as though they are full of life and purpose, but what is mine? I wonder if I will ever find out.
People and friends dont see my pain, as I wear my mask well. Im in disguise. A cherade, and who will be able to see the inner me?
My mask covers it well. Is there hope that someday I can take it off and let my heart shine again?
I feel numb, as though I've been floating down an ice river for way too long. Is it too late to thaw out? What will become of me as I near the end of that icy river? Will I make it to the shore or just keep floating out to no where? Am I dreaming all this? If I am please wake me up. My dreams used to be pleasant, but now I dont dream anymore. Its a black void, cold, empty and alone.
I need a rope, someone toss me a rope and pull me out of the void. Its getting late and Im getting tired. I dont know how long I can keep afloat.
BUT NOW I'M FOUND!!,,,,,, ( wrote on 4-21-09)
I remembered the words of my pastor from a long time ago, "people raise their arms and cheer for sports, but what about to praise the Lord?"
That hit me so hard as I was in the front row of the concert. After that recollection, I no longer felt the same. Something inside me wanted to change. I heard Jesus talking to me and He opened up my eyes. At the souviner table, 666 was tattooed very large upon his neck. That made me want to run and hide. I was trying to ignore it as I made my purchase, but it was so big on his neck, I was crying out inside. I heard the voice of my Master, saying, "Debbie you dont belong here, your my child, and I've never left you alone". You can run but you cant hide from the Lord. That was the night, after 21 yrs away, I felt the Lord calling me back, with open arms to stay. As nights went on I tired to sleep, but, I'd only toss and turn. Jesus was speaking to me in my sleep and my soul could find no rest cause at that time, I had not yet said, yes. He kept opening my eyes, showing me things on the internet, "Im coming back soon, He told me and I want to take you home. You need to get ready, for it wont be too long", He told me. Sitting on the couch that morning, after discovering so many things to come that are set in place now, I told my husband, Im going to church Sunday morning. Praise the Lord! I've made up my mind, and since that precious day, I've not looked back, for Im in His church to stay. I'll never leave you nor forsake you, is what His word says. How true He his and how grateful I am!
All the years that were before, I never stopped my love for him. We'd have conversations here and there but nothing like it should have been. I know He loves me for the Bible tells me so. His words are pure and true, I know cause He's touched me so!
We serve an awesome God, full of love and grace. Im thankful for what He's done for me. He picked me up with loving arms and put me back in place. I'll glady serve the Lord with all my heart and a smile on my face. He could have left me out there, but He chose to show me the way again. This time its for keeps I said to Him. I dont want to be lost anymore, but give the most that I can give. What ever it takes to be with Jesus is what I want to do. His love is never ending, and he always sees me through. Thank you Jesus for all that you've done for me and to show my love for you, I'll never stray again but always be true to you!
I was trying to fit in for a long time. I was only ignoring or I should say trying to ignore what I knew, but when you know the "truth", you will never be able to fully ignore for it knocks at your heart everyday. Its there, in your heart to stay. I was standing in the club that night and His voice over powered the band. He told me I was a stranger there, in someone else's land. Being lost for so long, I've had enough. What would I have done had I not listened to His voice? I'd have been lost for good and would have missed Him when He comes back. I would have lost mind forever, but thank God, His love is powerful enough to draw me back!!
Proverbs 23:23 - Buy the truth, and sell it not;
Proverbs 3:35 - The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.
I was backsliden for 21 yrs and so thankful that the Lord was able to reach me again! My new husband of 3 yrs is also baptized in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Ghost...
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