★ Houston's Hangout ★ - Page 6

AreYouReady? · #51 03-07-2013, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by houston

Most would say that it is ignorant, not interesting.

Depends upon your motive and what you hope to gain...or lose.

houston · #52 03-19-2013, 05:36 PM

It has been over 16 years since conversion and I am more bound by fear than I have ever been. Signs everywhere are pointing to the end of the road that I am on. Several men of God have spoken to me words of comfort. Words that God is and has been watching over me. I am comforted for a short period of time.

Soon I am faced with fear. Fear that they will succeed. Fear that their plans will prosper. What if the men of God missed the mark? What if I did something today that made God change His mind?

Sometimes I consider checking in. I would never check out. I'm just so frigging tired. I'm exhausted.

Speak to me one more time. Just one more time. Use someone that knows no specifics to confirm the specifics so that I know that I'm not going insane. Then have him or her confirm that you're still watching over me.

I can't live like this any longer. I'm not living. I have become a zombie. There is no quality to life.

I know that I am supposed to trust you. But, I still don't know how to. I need to control this, and I have absolutely no control over it.

Forgive me for doubting. Forgive me for not trusting you. Deliver me from my adversaries. Deliver me from my sins. Deliver me from myself.

houston · #53 03-20-2013, 12:45 AM

I am so bipolar (figuratively). See next post.

houston · #54 03-20-2013, 12:45 AM

Many in the fiery furnace are too focused on the flames and have not realized that the fire hasn't singed a single hair. Perspective.

Greetings from Houston.

AreYouReady? · #55 03-20-2013, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by houston

Most would say that it is ignorant, not interesting.

Why would it be ignorant? Thinking about doing and actually acting upon that are two different things. You said you were considering...not that you were going to do it.

houston · #56 03-20-2013, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AreYouReady?

Why would it be ignorant? Thinking about doing and actually acting upon that are two different things. You said you were considering...not that you were going to do it.

Didn't you already reply to this post?

houston · #57 03-24-2013, 10:34 AM

I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.

I hate myself more every time I indulge.

I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.

What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.

It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."

But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.

Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.

The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.

I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.

In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.

You all have been great.

Thank you.

Godzchild · #58 03-24-2013, 11:27 AM

I will miss you....I know you refused my friendship I extended to you but I still feel like you were a friend. I have a cousin who is gay and most of the family do NOT even want to accept him as part of the family. I feel sad about it all the time. My sons girlfriend watches porn and I feel sad for her bc she says she "cant help it". I am one who NEVER says "I understand what or how you feel" UNLESS I am or have been in that situation. I have never been around porn and never have seen it nor do I have any desire to see it. What I do know about it, its NOTHING I would ever be interested in the least to see , I have all I need lying in the bed beside me at night (my husband) , nor am I gay so I do not know how any of this is making you feel. But you have my prayers Houston~ I do know single people often deal with issues of porn and their sexual status...bc in todays world, sex is a seller and most everything you see is based on sex~ It must be a struggle and I totally feel for you. I will say this, your life is something ONLY God will judge....not people. I love my cousin and I would take someone's head off if I ever heard anyone talk bad about him or call him a fag. I hate slanderous words......just like when white people have called me a ni**er lover....it is bad, wrong and hurtful. I hope you find peace and what you are looking for friend. God knows all and he will help you every day! Again, I will miss you friend!
__________________

houston · #59 04-06-2013, 09:25 PM

If anyone has a way to contact EvenUntoDeath... PLEASE have her contact me. I sent her my email address. I need to hear from her before I completely step away from this ...place.

bbyrd009 · #60 04-07-2013, 03:02 PM

Houston? Honey, you just need to be yourself, and do what you need to do, without recrimination. God has forgiven you. While you are called to be an ambassador for a kingdom, and should be cognizant of, and working on, your shortcomings, these sometimes take years to mentally resolve. You cannot be a zombie in the meanwhile. Totally counter-productive. You need to go to a dance, or something. Balance. Peace.