Husband leaving the church. Very sad n stressed

[Free 2b Me!]

Hi everyone. This is my first post although I've been reading on these boards for awhile now. Here's my situation in a nut shell. About 4 years ago we started attending a new church. It was/is awesome compared to our old church. Old church was clique-ish and the pastor ruled with an iron fist..my way or the highway type church. I'm not just talking about disagreeing with standards and such but I mean you couldn't even tell a friend you were feeling down or needed help praying about something! Once I told another woman I felt lonely and ten minutes later the pastor calls yelling (yes yelling) at me because "I should not counsel with anyone except him!!" Wow! Needless to say after enduring 6 years of him tearing us down we finally got the nerve to leave. So fast forward to now. New church new people..where at first everyone always wanted to hang out with us..especially when my husband had a great job making lots more than he does now. We would go out to eat with everyone all the time, be invited over people's houses for dinner etc.Now it's like they've forgotten about my husband. I am very outgoing so I really don't have this problem. I feel very loved and like everyone is my family there. Him? Not so much. I feel everyone likes him but he has no real FRiENDS if you know what I mean. No guys ever call him to talk or to go do anything anymore like when we first came

He has went above and beyond to make himself available to them and would go with someone at the drop of a hat if they asked him to go somewhere with him. He's quite a handyman (cars, houses, pretty much everything) so they would call him to say bro s could you come fix this or help me w this or whatever and now he's tired of people "using him". He is the type that would give the shirt off his back to someone and has always been the one to help a friend when no one else would but it seems like after the car, house or whatever is fixed they go back to forgetting about him..

Today was Sunday and he woke up this morning and I said aren't you going to get ready? And he told me he wasn't gojng. I thought he was joking but nope.. He says he's not coming back because no one cares about him.. To make matters worse AFTER he said this and I let our pastor know I wouldn't be there this am the pastor called my phone -not my husbands�� I then had about 6
people call MY PHONE today to say they missed us but really only our pastor called him until later tonight when stuff really started to hit the fan and people realized we may not be coming back. Which he was then like "see they're only calling now bc he told them what was going on or to call".

I have noticed the past year or so that hardly anyone talks to him or takes to him like they do me. I don't know what to do since i do not want to go to church without my husband. I'd rather us find another church where we can both be happy at. This is our 3rd church we have been to in our married life of 10 years. There are kids involved, I'm the piano player at my church. So I am very involved. I don't want to be labeled as a "church hopper". It's just sooo depressing. He says now he is pretty much through with people. He's tired of us always being used and he especially doesn't want to end up at another church like our first two were (ultra-con, tattlers, people worshiping the pastor). Our church now would probably be considered moderate. None of us have a judge mental attitude and everyone is treated the same when they come in regardless of dress/money status.

I felt like when we came here third time was a charm and I love it here but I also don't know whether to just go anyways (which he wants me to keep going, he said he has hated to see me cry all day today) he would never keep us from going anyways. Or go somewhere else and hope he tags along. I don't know if he would go anywhere though because he said "why go when it will be the same anywhere else" I am starting to feel the same way. I don't know that we could find a church like ours around here since most all are ultra con (even upc)

there is one here in town that does preach truth but do not have a "dress code" most wear dresses but some women wear pants , men have beards etc. which that's a WHOLE "nuther" issue in itself. I have struggled hard with our standards (not really whether I am able to keep them but the effect it will have telling my children (don't wear pants, makeup, trim your hair etc when I'm not sure I even believe half of that!) I wear makeup, keep my hair trimmed, "henna" (natural dye) it, all that jazz so yeah:/ my husband has a beard now but our pastor preached against it which we don't agree with. If we went to another church it would have to be one that didn't preach against those thing. And yes I know sentences don't start with "and" aaaaannnnd that posting that makes us sound like rebellious church hoppers w itching ears (we aren't) aaaand I'm rambling so I'll end this now for yalls sake.

Well thanks for being my therapy for tonight .. How much do I owe y'all?
*** whole forum smiles and nods saying "I seeee"*** lol

Any suggestions?

[good samaritan]

I can relate to some of what your husband feels. I have felt used by church people for years. I am skilled at multiple trades and many times I have felt that people have taken advantage of that also. I have never allowed cliques to bother me though, I have always been kind of a loner by nature. Here is the thing. You said you have kids. Sometimes we have times that the weight of things get tough, but you must press along. No offense intended at all and I don't want to add insult to injury, but sometimes as the spiritual leader you must wait on the Lord. If your husband hasn't burnt any bridges I would suggest that he continue and hold at and pray until he get an answer.

There are times where God will move you, but to quit going until something else opens up will cause an instability for you and your children that could haunt you for years to come. Church is about relationship and it is very important to connect and if your church can't satisfy that then you probably need somewhere you both can, but on the flip side you are going to have difficult times any where. I know you as a wife have probably got to be careful not to seem too challenging with your husband. Personally in my low times as a husband my wife has had difficulty communicating with me, but pray and encourage him anyway you can. My prayers go out to you.

[Sean]

Sis, my wife and I bailed on Church a couple of years ago after 33 years of constant attendance and ministry. We have not decided what to do yet and have the same "church hopper" thoughts.
We are well grounded in our faith and just needed a little time to sort some stuff out.
We will probably visit churches for a while with prayerful consideration of where the next congregation is for us to call home.
Why dont you guys just visit random churches without a commitment?(get to know a few strangers and shake a few hands).
Our future congregation must be the perfect will of God for us this next time. We are not in a hurry to join anything now.
What we are doing is not for everyone though,
many folks end up walking away from their faith when they take a sabbatical, thus they should find fellowship no matter what.
I recommend a church with decent standards preached though. They(standards) are in a way, connected to our walk with God.(my wife and I keep our standards, church or no church).



There is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting random churches without a commitment at all!

[Esaias]

You need to have a talk with your husband, and let him know he is the spiritual head of the family under Christ and he needs to get busy leading. He is RESPONSIBLE for seeing to it you and your children are led by the Word. Thus he must lead by precept AND EXAMPLE in Bible reading/study, prayer, and worship.

Start having family worship like Christians have historically and biblically done. Then you won't view church as something that exists to "meet your needs" but rather as something you can truly contribute to by meeting others' needs.

Your children need to see that you as a family will follow God's Word regardless of where the chips fall. That is far more important than teaching them that truth takes a back seat to personal desires for social interactions.

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Sean

Sis, my wife and I bailed on Church a couple of years ago after 33 years of constant attendance and ministry. We have not decided what to do yet and have the same "church hopper" thoughts.
We are well grounded in our faith and just needed a little time to sort some stuff out.
We will probably visit churches for a while with prayerful consideration of where the next congregation is for us to call home.
Why dont you guys just visit random churches without a commitment?(get to know a few strangers and shake a few hands).
Our future congregation must be the perfect will of God for us this next time. We are not in a hurry to join anything now.
What we are doing is not for everyone though,
many folks end up walking away from their faith when they take a sabbatical, thus they should find fellowship no matter what.
I recommend a church with decent standards preached though. They(standards) are in a way, connected to our walk with God.(my wife and I keep our standards, church or no church).



There is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting random churches without a commitment at all!

I agree with Sean about trying out a church before making a move, but I think there needs to be better closure then just leaving. I am a pastor to a church and I am accountable to the people who I serve. I am not domineering and I want people to freely make their own choices, but at the same time people need to communicate. We should not just up and leave without giving the spiritual leader or leaders a chance to bring about some kind of reconciliation. Even in the secular world it is frowned on to quit a job without notice. Your church family is supposed to be people who you love and not just some employer. You may be surprised of the chain reaction caused by church decisions. Don't you think that God cares where you go to church? Church has been made to be too much about a place to be served rather than being a body of believers with the purpose of serving others. By all means if there is somewhere else that would be more purposeful for a person to be then go, but let it be done decently and in order. Jesus didn't leave things undone when He left this earth. I was hurt at the last church I attended before pastoring now, and I went on 2 years after the offenses. I have found blessing from my previous brothers and sisters in the Lord because I have burned no bridges. The pastor from my previous church who I struggled not to be resentful has became a close friend. This morning he texts me, out of the blue, which is not the usual thing and he said he is praying for my church that we have revival today. Tonight my nine year old son was filled with the baptism of the Holy Ghost for the first time. Don't take this decision lightly. Problems are everywhere we must be found faithful.

[Esaias]

No bible verse about "where you go to church" exists. Church isn't a location, it's a people.

[good samaritan]

When you allow a root of bitterness to take hold in you life it is very hard to ever let it go. Instead of finding a church were it's better, you will find that sometimes it becomes harder and harder to find satisfaction. People's faults become more and more magnified to the place that you have no family at all. Many people will never know what it is like to have a church family because they allowed bitterness to take hold and they have lost their ability to trust. Family is not something you throw away because you have a fight. If you have ever had that connection to this church you owe it to them and to yourself to try and work things out and God will bless. whether it be by changing things there are by opening doors elsewhere. Seek after peace.

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Esaias

No bible verse about "where you go to church" exists. Church isn't a location, it's a people.

You are correct, but you will find Paul many times being directed by the Holy Spirit where to go on his missionary journey. It is common sense to me that God cares who you connect yourself to. It is probable that the city or near surrounding area in which you live is where you should go (in my opinion). Your community is your field of harvest or why do you live there? Does seek first the kingdom not apply to us? Church hoppers are often selfish. They go around in search of a church who doesn't offend them while at the same time causing offenses by their own instability. True, no Bible verse mentions where you must go to church, but a lot is about unity and following the leading of the Holy Ghost. The early church gave multitudes of examples of church fellowship on location. If you are called to do the work of a missionary and God is leading you to spread a message around this nation then go. Otherwise God is probably expecting us to be good stewards where He has placed us. Most church problems people experience are trivial and will work them self out if you wait long enough, but if you choose to quit, then quitting becomes easier and easier. If church is a body than being connected is essential. How are floaters connected, when they aren't faithful enough to be of any service anywhere. I am not accusing anyone of being this way, but just stating my personal views against the idea of not being connected on a local level to the body of Christ. I wonder what Paul or any other apostle would have said to a believer in Corinth that refused to be in fellowship with a local assembly on the grounds that it isn't written that I have to be at any certain location. What was the point of them establishing elders and church government since no one had any responsibility to any particular place. There is no scripture to explicitly tell us that we can't just float around but it his highly illogical to think that is the plan of God.

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Esaias

No bible verse about "where you go to church" exists. Church isn't a location, it's a people.

Everyone resides at a location. So wouldn't you be in the fellowship near you? If you don't, what are you saying. This is new age school thought. All the generations that has gone on before seemed to understand that Christians go to church, or as scripture say "the assembling". The Greek word is where we derive our English word synagogue. This pop culture doesn't believe in any church government (at least it doesn't have authority) and views the church to be some unorganized hippie group that only believe in free love and doesn't let any other man have authority over them. On the contrary the Bible teaches firstly of submission to God and then submission to one another.
I ask this to anyone who doesn't feel church attendance is neccessary? Have you won any souls to the Lord and If you have are they still a part of the kingdom? Unless you are beginning a local church if you do not connect people to the body then how are they making it?

[Esaias]

I did not suggest anyone should forsake assemblying together. The institutional mind set however seems to have caused you to miss that, friend.

My advice to the original poster is 1) get the house in order via proper headship and family worship, so that 2) gathering with other believers is less about "going to church and getting a social benefit" but more about "how can God use me to help somebody?"

The "go to church" mindset of denominational religion unfortunately hinders that, so it's no surprise people drop out of that way of doing things.

jmo based on 20 odd years experience.