From the Inbox

[Tina]

Evening Classes For Men

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. The classes are listed:

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Toilet paper. Do they grow on holders? Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Practicing with hamper. Picture and graphics.

4. The after dinner dishes and silverware. Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink or dishwasher? Debate among panel of experts.

5. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

6. Health watch- bringing her flowers is NOT harmful to your health. Powerpoint presentation.

7. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

8. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

9. Living with Adults. Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

10. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

11. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you are going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

12. Getting over it. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counselors are available.

[Tina]

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES:

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. In addition...each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keep it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every repulsive character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply themselves either while driving or making four lunches. They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, they will have to endure severe stomach cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to pray with the children each night, bathe them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00.

They must clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.


A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: *each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor. *each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moments notice...

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

[Tina]

Newspaper headlines from the year 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia (formally known as California). White minorities still trying to
have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floridians still don't know how to use a voting machine.

[StillStanding]

I Believe

I believe- That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe- That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe- That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe- That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe- That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe- That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe- That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe- That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe- That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe- That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe- That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe- That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe- That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time!

I believe- That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe- That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe- That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe- That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe- That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe- That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe- That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe- That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe- That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe- That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe- That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe- That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe- That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe- That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

[Tina]

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?



There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

How old do you feel now?

Eddie Haskell, Beaver Cleaver & Wally Cleaver

[Tina]

26 Things to do in a elevator.

1) Bring a camera, and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

2) Move your desk into the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

4) Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.

5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

6) Ask, "did you feel that?"

7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again."

9) Swat at flies that don't exist.

10) Tell people that you can see their aura.

11) Call out, "GROUP HUG!" and enforce it.

12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. Just Shut up!!!"

13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, as "Got enough air in there?"

14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM," and back away slowly.

16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.

17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

1 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile, then announce "I have new socks on." (This is best if you're wearing flip flops)

21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk, and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!!"

22) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.

24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on.

25) Hold the doors open, and say that you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"

26) Drop a pen, and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That's mine!"

[Rhoni]

By Max Lucado

You are in your car driving home. Thoughts wander to the game you want
to see or meal you want to eat, when suddenly a sound unlike any you've ever heard fills the air.



The sound is high above you.



A trumpet?



A choir?



A choir of trumpets?



You don't know, but you want to know.



So you pull over, get out of your car, and look up. As you do, you see you aren't the only curious one. The roadside has become a
parking lot. Car doors are open, and people are staring at the sky. Shoppers are racing out of the grocery store.



The Little League baseball game across the street has come to a halt.
Players and parents are searching the clouds. And what they see, and what you see, has never before been seen.



As if the sky was a curtain, the drapes of the atmosphere part. A brilliant light spills onto the earth. There are no shadows. None.



From whence came the light begins to tumble a river of color spiking crystals of every hue ever seen and a million more never seen.
Riding on the flow is an endless fleet of angels. They pass through the curtains one myriad at a time, until they occupy every square
inch of the sky.



North.



South.



East.



West.




Thousands of silvery wings rise and fall in unison, and over the sound of the trumpets, you can hear the cherubim and seraphim
chanting,
Holy, holy, holy.



The final flank of angels is followed by twenty-four silver- bearded elders and a multitude of souls who join the angels in worship.



Presently the movement stops and the trumpets are silent, leaving only the triumphant triplet: Holy, holy, holy. Between each word is
a pause. With each word, a profound reverence. You hear your voice join in the chorus. You don't know why you say the words, but
you know you must.



Suddenly, the heavens are quiet. All is quiet.



The angels turn, you turn, the entire world turns and there He is.



Jesus.



Through waves of light you see the silhouetted figure of Christ the King.



He is atop a great stallion, and the stallion is atop a billowing cloud.



He opens his mouth, and you are surrounded by his declaration:



I am the Alpha and the Omega.



The angels bow their heads.



The elders remove their crowns



And before you is a Figure so consuming that you know, instantly you know:



Nothing else matters.



Forget stock markets and school reports.



Sales meetings and football games.



Nothing is newsworthy..



All that mattered, matters no more.... for Christ has come.



And, please put the exact time you read this in the subject line before sending. It is mystical--honest



This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, he saw me, and he asked:
My child, what is your greatest wish for today?



I responded:
"Lord please; take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love
them very much"



The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but not its end.



This message works on the day you receive it.



To some it may sound dumb, but the person who sent this to me was impressed with its timing. Let us see if it is true.



ANGELS EXIST, but sometimes, since they don't all have wings we call
them FRIENDS, SUCH AS YOU.



Pass this on to your true friends. SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU
TODAY. SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR.

[Tina]

This was the winning entry for a writing contest for stories about
Motherhood.



So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and
Nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on
This mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3
Years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
Chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing
It. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my
Chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to
Put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try
To get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys
Are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my
Little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a
Mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor
Me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am
Looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner
To go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick
Very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and
Said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their
Little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to
Mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the
FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth. So I
Asked Eli, how often do you put chapstick on Jacks chapped behind. To that
He replied, "every day, I do my lips and his." I should have known not to
Ask that question.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures,
There will always be that day when you realize they've been using your
Chapstick on the cat's butt.

[Tina]

God and the Spider


During World War II, a US marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and
the crossfire he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his
direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, "Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen."

After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw
close. He thought, "Well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one." Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

"Hah, he thought. "What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor."

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while.

"Lord, forgive me," prayed the young man. "I had forgotten that in you a spider's web is stronger than a brick wall."

We all face times of great trouble. When we do, it is so easy to
forget what God can work in our lives, sometimes in the most
surprising ways. And remember with God, a mere spider's web becomes a brick wall of protection.