Does forgiveness mean trusting them again?

ModestMama · #1 05-31-2016, 04:12 AM

Hi friends.
I am having a really hard time with my feelings over a certian issue with a close (used to be) friend. (due to the sensitive situation I cannot disclose everything, please understand) A very awful situation arose in my family that I was made full aware of while enroute to go to freinds house to pick up my daughter. (my daughter and her daughter are close freinds as well). This friend became aware of it as well becuase my emotions were intense at the time.
(let me set this straight first of all....this friend is NOT a bad person she is very sweet and caring. Although when she sees fit for something to happen according to her will she sees to it)

To make this short....this friend called defacs (child protective services) the very next day on us after stating she would not. She was trying to make herself invloved in the outcome of this. (she actually had an outcome in her mind she insisted on) By that night we had already came up with a solution and the other party involved was in agreeance to it as well.

(by the way during all this our pastor told us in prayer at the alter he felt we were under an attack of a witchcraft spirt)...(not that i think that was from her at all..i belive it was from the abusers side)

It was a VERY troubling time for all of us...to have to suffer through dealing emotionally all the while being pushed into a corner with haste and defacs coming out to the home and then a forensic interview..and then the waiting....and the awkwardness of being at church with her..

So anyway...after several weeks of investigation they closed the case and stated they did not find evidence of any abuse. And both families (our and the abusers) went back to normal seemingly....
However the outcome of all of this has ripped a family apart and a friendship as well.
The outcome was not at all what my friend wanted. Although upon knowing she turned us in I havent spoken to her. So i don't think she knows the outcome.

Ok so heres the problem now....
I still love my friend so much and I miss her friendship! I am over the anger but i am so emotionally hurt. I KNOW she didnt do this to hurt us. But now I want to forgive her but I cannot trust her. Because I fear she will always be "watching" to see things are done according to her standards and if they arent i fear she will report us again. I also know that she has told a couple of families in the church of our situation as well. And i am upset about that too. For a couple of weeks we got the "pity...poor you" looks and greetings. And i felt those mothers were watcing us and pitying my daughter. I had to keep my daughter by my side for weeks for fear that someone will talk to her or say something to her about all of this and I didnt want her to know the extent of what happened. (she doesnt know what happened....she was asleep...forensics confirmed she isnt aware of what happened).

And even with keeping her by my side for a while my friend actually walked up to my husband and wanted to know why my daughter was "in trouble" and couldnt run and play with the other kids.

So here we are. I really do miss our friendship but I am so hurt. Im hurt that she did this. I'm hurt that she has told other ppl in our church. I want to forgive but what does that mean entirely?
Does it mean I am to say everything she did is ok?
Does it mean i forget it even happened and just carry on like it was before?
Or is forgiveness simply just a transaction of feelings turning to a more loving and positive note?
Is it possible to forgive but not trust?

Esaias · #2 05-31-2016, 06:16 AM

Man comes to a river, wants to cross over, but the river is too deep and too wide for him to swim to the other side. A gator is there and says to him 'Hop on my back, I'll take you across'. The man was skeptical at first, but the gator assured him he would not try to eat him, and there was no other way across, so he hops on the gator's back and across the river they go.

Halfway across the gator rolls and snaps his jaws round the man's torso. The man cries out 'What are you doing! You said you would take me across the river! You said you wouldn't eat me!'

The gator says 'Yeah, but you knew I was a gator when you climbed up on my back.' Then the gator takes him under and that's the end of that man.

Esaias · #3 05-31-2016, 06:30 AM

"With friends like that I don't need any enemies."

Personally, I would forgive them (meaning I would not seek any revenge, and would not exact 'what they owe', but would turn it over to God). I would pray for God to help manage my affairs with a godly, Christ-honouring temperament.

And my future relationship with that person would be based upon the knowledge that they 1)are quick to seek governmental intrusion and possible destruction of my family unit, and 2)are quick to gossip, and therefore 3)are anything BUT 'friends' with me or my family.

I hold no grudges against snakes (vipers) but if they show up on my porch or near to my house they are dead meat. Nothing personal, I just know what they are capable of and I make a rational decision to protect my family and home. Same thing with people, when people prove who they are and what they do by their actions, you need to take those things into account when dealing with them in the future.

'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.'

He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.
(Proverbs 11:12)

A person of understanding is not going to go about as a tale-bearer, destroying their neighbor's reputation or bringing an unfounded reproach upon them. So then, according to the Bible, someone who does such a thing is 'void of understanding' and 'despises his neighbor'. Should you maintain company and closeness with someone who is void of understanding and who despises you?

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.
(Proverbs 11:29)

Don't trouble your own house, it brings bad ju-ju.

Originalist · #4 05-31-2016, 07:59 AM

My comments below are based on your version of events.

By law you could take this person to court for defamation of character. I'm sure that is not your desire, however.

But your pastor is in error IMO for not dealing with this situation and for allowing the name of one of his members to be smeared by a fellow member. Your friend should be required to publicly apologize to you in front of the whole church. If they refuse, they should be kicked out of the church. If they are not disciplined by your pastor, I would leave that church , breaking all ties with your "friend" and not returning to that church as long as they remain a member.

By the way, I was once a child welfare case manager and understand what you are going through.

mfblume · #5 05-31-2016, 08:22 AM

Forgiveness means you know they did wrong but you let it go. And it doesn't mean you have to trust them again. David was forgiven by God for adultery and murder. But God said the sword would never depart from his house.

Its like this. A child is told to not take a cookie off the plate of cookies on the table. He takes one. He is forgiven but the cookies will be locked in a cupboard high above his head next time.

Forgiveness is when we stop holding it against them and act like it never happened. But that does not mean we cannot guard ourselves against a similar attack next time.

You DO NOT have to say all she did was okay. You would not have to forgive her if what she did was okay. Forgiveness is for things that were wrong and not okay.

ModestMama · #6 05-31-2016, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Originalist

My comments below are based on your version of events.

By law you could take this person to court for defamation of character. I'm sure that is not your desire, however.

But your pastor is in error IMO for not dealing with this situation and for allowing the name of one of his members to be smeared by a fellow member. Your friend should be required to publicly apologize to you in front of the whole church. If they refuse, they should be kicked out of the church. If they are not disciplined by your pastor, I would leave that church , breaking all ties with your "friend" and not returning to that church as long as they remain a member.

By the way, I was once a child welfare case manager and understand what you are going through.

Your right in saying that that (taking to court for defamation) is not what I desire.
In regards to my pastor, He very well may have already spoken to her about talking to others. No one else has since then came to knowledge of this....that I know of. However this "friend's" behavior has changed somewhat since then also, like sitting in the back of the church (she used to sit at the front) She also would come to the front during worship with the ladies and hasn't been doing that either. So that's why i thinking maybe the pastor has said something...Im not sure.

aegsm76 · #7 05-31-2016, 08:34 AM

Good thoughts from all the above.
My input would be to go to this person and let her know your thoughts.
I would find another trusted person to "rehearse" this conversation, first.
You can forgive her, but we are not God.
We humans do not have the capability to forgive and forget.
Forgive and do not grudge.

ModestMama · #8 05-31-2016, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mfblume

Forgiveness means you know they did wrong but you let it go. And it doesn't mean you have to trust them again. David was forgiven by God for adultery and murder. But God said the sword would never depart from his house.

Its like this. A child is told to not take a cookie off the plate of cookies on the table. He takes one. He is forgiven but the cookies will be locked in a cupboard high above his head next time.

Forgiveness is when we stop holding it against them and act like it never happened. But that does not mean we cannot guard ourselves against a similar attack next time.

You DO NOT have to say all she did was okay. You would not have to forgive her if what she did was okay. Forgiveness is for things that were wrong and not okay.

Thank you for this. I feel better about it now. I do still love her and in a sense mourn our friendship. I will guard myself and my family around her from now on and still love her at the same time and pray earneslty for her!

ModestMama · #9 05-31-2016, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aegsm76

Good thoughts from all the above.
My input would be to go to this person and let her know your thoughts.
I would find another trusted person to "rehearse" this conversation, first.
You can forgive her, but we are not God.
We humans do not have the capability to forgive and forget.
Forgive and do not grudge.

I have thought about doing this very thing. And fear came upon me with "what if she feels she did nothing wrong"? But i will pray about this and let the Lord guide me.

mfblume · #10 05-31-2016, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ModestMama

Thank you for this. I feel better about it now. I do still love her and in a sense mourn our friendship. I will guard myself and my family around her from now on and still love her at the same time and pray earneslty for her!

THAT is forgiveness!