How do you know if you have forgiven someone?

[Adra]

And

If you forgive them does that mean you act as if nothing ever happened?
I mean f someone shot your dog out of meanness, you might forgive them but would you ever trust them around your dog again? If not does that mean you have not forgiven them?

Suppose you think you have forgiven but you really have not, how would youknow?

Does forgiveness mean you have to associate and be friends with someone that has a personality that just irritates you?

I know these are very childish questions but I really need some answers.

[TRFrance]

I once heard someone put it this way:

You know you've forgiven someone when "it doesn't matter" any more.

Meaning...if you can think about what they did, and you can honesty tell yourself "hey, it doesn't matter", then you've really forgiven them.Makes a lot of sense to me, and I keep that in mind a lot when I ask myself if I've really forgiven someone. Hope that helps somewhat.

Now, that doesn't mean you should necessarily forget what they did. For example if someone steals money from you, and later confesses, of course you forgive them. But that doesn't mean you would still leave your money or valuables around them unattended . That just wouldn't be wise, and we still have to use wisdom at all times.

[Adra]

thank you

[rgcraig]

I think TRF has given good advice.

You always hear forgive and forget, but that's almost impossible when you've been hurt. However, if you can forgive and allow that person/incident not to "rule" you, then you have forgiven.

[mizpeh]

And

If you forgive them does that mean you act as if nothing ever happened?
I mean f someone shot your dog out of meanness, you might forgive them but would you ever trust them around your dog again? If not does that mean you have not forgiven them?

Suppose you think you have forgiven but you really have not, how would youknow?

Does forgiveness mean you have to associate and be friends with someone that has a personality that just irritates you?

I know these are very childish questions but I really need some answers.

You'll know if you've forgiven someone if you don't feel animosity toward that person when their name is mentioned or when you think about them. If you do feel a little bitterness or anger then you need to pray some more.

Something that has helped me is to realize who my enemy is and even though I know it was a person who did or said something hateful toward me, I know who lies behind the words and actions of that person. It helps me to keep things in perspective and easier to forgive.

[RandyWayne]

God is the only one who can truly forgive and then forget. The rest of us can forgive, but other then using hypnosis or drugs, we rarely forget.

[Scott Hutchinson]

TRF seems to have a good handle on this.

[Ferd]

lets start with Jesus as the example.

Jesus often said "you are forgiven, go and sin no more"

There was an expectation that forgivness was an oppurtunity for the transgrssor to stop their harmful behavior and live an over coming life!

How does that translate to us? well for starters, forgiving someone who has wronged you, is not a free pass for that person to continue hurting you!

[RandyWayne]

....is not a free pass for that person to continue hurting you!

Very good point

[Ferd]

Adra, this is a link to a thread I started some time ago. the first 2 posts are long but it is all about forginess. I hope this helps.


http://www.apostolicfriendsforum.com/showthread.php?t=1491

[Adra]

Thank you Ferd, I read and I learned.

I know that I do not want harm to come to those that have hurt me. I pray for those that have abused me. Some of those wounds -those roots you talk about go deep from when I was just a 6 yr. old child. Those roots are deep. I think I need to do a lot of praying for myself and for those that hurt me.

Does the fact that I hurt mean that I am not a Christian, that I am not saved.
Does the fact that I want to keep a distance between me and them mean I am not saved?

[Esther]

If you wish them ill will you have not forgiven them.

There are a number of questions you can ask yourself that will let you know if you have forgiven them.

I don't remember all of them right now. But I remember that one sticking out to me. I think it was because in my heart I still wanted to see them suffer for doing me wrong. Which showed me I had not forgiven them.

[Adra]

I don't wish them ill will, I just don't wish to associate with them. My mom has always been a harsh woman called me stupid and ugly and fat when I was young, beat me with belts, and her fists. I am glad she is a Christian now, I am glad she has the Lord to lean on just like I lean on Him.

However I have no desire to have mother daughter relationship with her. I am respectful to her, I call her and check on her, I pray for her, I just do not wnat to get close because of how she treated me. She is still harsh with me at times. Only differance is she knows that now I will just leave, I have someplace else to go. Even when when she is harsh I am still respectful. As soon as I can i go pray and then I call my husband cause he has the ability to sooth my wounds. My brother is just like my mom, he is so sharp with his tongue, and has no idea that his harshness causes hurt feelings.
When he comes down I just keep my distance.

So, with all I have been told I know in my heart that I have forgiven. Just common sense not to want to be around someone that is hurtful.

Thank you all for your comments.

[Esther]

I don't wish them ill will, I just don't wish to associate with them. My mom has always been a harsh woman called me stupid and ugly and fat when I was young, beat me with belts, and her fists. I am glad she is a Christian now, I am glad she has the Lord to lean on just like I lean on Him.

However I have no desire to have mother daughter relationship with her. I am respectful to her, I call her and check on her, I pray for her, I just do not wnat to get close because of how she treated me. She is still harsh with me at times. Only differance is she knows that now I will just leave, I have someplace else to go. Even when when she is harsh I am still respectful. As soon as I can i go pray and then I call my husband cause he has the ability to sooth my wounds. My brother is just like my mom, he is so sharp with his tongue, and has no idea that his harshness causes hurt feelings.
When he comes down I just keep my distance.

So, with all I have been told I know in my heart that I have forgiven. Just common sense not to want to be around someone that is hurtful.

Thank you all for your comments.

You can forgive without putting yourself back in the line of fire.

However, you mention that NOW your mother is a Christian indicating to me that she was not during the abusive times?

IF that is correct, and IF she has the Holy Ghost then God can and will change her IF she wants to be changed.

Just keep praying for her and yourself and let God lead you.

But being a Christian does not mean you have to become a whipping post.

[Ferd]

I don't wish them ill will, I just don't wish to associate with them. My mom has always been a harsh woman called me stupid and ugly and fat when I was young, beat me with belts, and her fists. I am glad she is a Christian now, I am glad she has the Lord to lean on just like I lean on Him.

However I have no desire to have mother daughter relationship with her. I am respectful to her, I call her and check on her, I pray for her, I just do not wnat to get close because of how she treated me. She is still harsh with me at times. Only differance is she knows that now I will just leave, I have someplace else to go. Even when when she is harsh I am still respectful. As soon as I can i go pray and then I call my husband cause he has the ability to sooth my wounds. My brother is just like my mom, he is so sharp with his tongue, and has no idea that his harshness causes hurt feelings.
When he comes down I just keep my distance.

So, with all I have been told I know in my heart that I have forgiven. Just common sense not to want to be around someone that is hurtful.

Thank you all for your comments.


Adra, Forgiveness is a thing that most people really dont understand. When someone has been hurt deeply, there are often issues that need to be dealt with that often the abused doesnt even understand.

I will be honest with you here. I dont think an open forum is a great place for you to find real answers. Primarily because this isnt a place that is safe for you.

I think you likely need someone who is trained professionaly to help you walk thru these steps. I promise that I and many others here will pray for you, and offer what we can to aid you in your journey but I urge you to find someone who is trained in helping people who have been deeply hurt.

God bless you. AND you dont neen to worry about "If" you are a chirstian. Ours is a Journey, not a destination. you are on the path, keep walking!

[rgcraig]

Great words of advice Ferd.

[Revelationist]

Forgiveness is more for you than it is them...

Jerry Moon

[Esther]

Forgiveness is more for you than it is them...

Jerry Moon

Amen!

[Adra]

I called my former pastors wife, she is the one that led me to the Lord almost 3 yrs. ago. She know the situation and all that are envolved. We had a long talk and she assured me that what I was feeling was nomal because the death brought up old hurts even though I had forgiven the ones that hurt me. She prayed with me and for me.

Thank you all for being so kind to me, and for your advice and prayers.
God bless you

[LadyChocolate]

Now, that doesn't mean you should necessarily forget what they did. For example if someone steals money from you, and later confesses, of course you forgive them. But that doesn't mean you would still leave your money or valuables around them unattended . That just wouldn't be wise, and we still have to use wisdom at all times.

A pastor I know used to preach that if we truly forgave, then we would have no problem leaving our wallets out in front of them. I always took issue with that because, I may have forgiven, but that doesn't mean they changed their ways! We do have to be wise. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we have to keep taking "stuff" off of people. That can turn a person bitter, and that (bitterness) is harder to get a handle on.

I think TRF has given good advice.

You always hear forgive and forget, but that's almost impossible when you've been hurt. However, if you can forgive and allow that person/incident not to "rule" you, then you have forgiven.

You are right. God has that incredible ability to forgive and forget! Unfortunately, we are not God. As humans, we have a "memory" that doesn't allow us to forgot those wrongs. But looking back on some hurts and wrongs in my life, I realize that without those memories, and Godly people helping me along the path, I would not be who I am today. Those hurts and wrongs, God turned them out for my good and made a better person out of me!

You'll know if you've forgiven someone if you don't feel animosity toward that person when their name is mentioned or when you think about them. If you do feel a little bitterness or anger then you need to pray some more.

Something that has helped me is to realize who my enemy is and even though I know it was a person who did or said something hateful toward me, I know who lies behind the words and actions of that person. It helps me to keep things in perspective and easier to forgive.

Been there, done that. Just took to long to move on! There was a time when I was very hurt by someone. Well, not just me but my family also. Do what you want to me, but when it comes to my family, I go nutso! Lol! Anyway, I would cringe every time I heard this person's name, or heard them speak or anything.
And I'm opening up a little here, so forgive me please...but I remember thinking that my past was behind me... I had forgiven and actually I felt peace about everything... . But then it happened again, they said something else... I remember going into my room and I was asking God what we ever did to make them do this. My husband said to me, "Christ was perfect, he didn't deserve what they did to him. Are we any better than Him?". I began to pray for this person with sincerity, asking God to help them and truly bless them. God helped me that day and it's all over with. The past is truly behind me. Things may be said, but I have actually learned to just "shrug it off". It is easier said than done, but with God's help EVERYDAY, you can overcome!

[Bro-Larry]

If you can give them a gift, then you can rest assured you have forgiven them.

(Bill Gothard- Institute in Basic Life Principles)

[GodsBabyGirl]

That is a very good question...

I have had people hurt me and I won't go around them too much or allow my children around them.

And I have been accused of being unforgiving and judgmental.

I am with most of you guys...I have forgiven, but I haven't forgotten. I think that is man made garbage.

I believe God gives us common sense and discernment. Wise.

I won't allow toxic relationships to stay in my life or the lives of my kids. Especially if the other parties haven't been converted, repentant, or saved.

They can do the same thing all over again.

I love God so because He does vindicate His own. I don't wish ill will on them; I just know my God's track record.

And when they do me wrong, God always vindicates me.

And I won't realize it. I'd gone on bout my business and one day God would allow me to see vengeance on those who hurt me.

Not that I am sitting waiting for it to happen. It just does. Reaping and sowing. Karma. Call it what you want...

I just am thankful for a just God!

To the originator of this thread...I believe God will let you know when you have forgiven that person.

We all have our barometers we try to gauge when we have forgiven those who wronged us. But that barometer doesn't belong to us....it belongs to God!

And so does vengeance....

Relax, love God, and ask Him to heal you.

In time, in due season, God rights all wrongs....I have seen it done time and time again....He is faithful like that...

Sis Wenona

[simplyme]

I don't wish them ill will, I just don't wish to associate with them. My mom has always been a harsh woman called me stupid and ugly and fat when I was young, beat me with belts, and her fists. I am glad she is a Christian now, I am glad she has the Lord to lean on just like I lean on Him.

However I have no desire to have mother daughter relationship with her. I am respectful to her, I call her and check on her, I pray for her, I just do not wnat to get close because of how she treated me. She is still harsh with me at times. Only differance is she knows that now I will just leave, I have someplace else to go. Even when when she is harsh I am still respectful. As soon as I can i go pray and then I call my husband cause he has the ability to sooth my wounds. My brother is just like my mom, he is so sharp with his tongue, and has no idea that his harshness causes hurt feelings.
When he comes down I just keep my distance.

So, with all I have been told I know in my heart that I have forgiven. Just common sense not to want to be around someone that is hurtful.

Thank you all for your comments.
Wow I can relate! Glad to know I'm not the only one with this type dilemna (bolded above) and I know how hard it is; but there is not much we can do to change ANYone, we can change only our reactions and that in itself is quite a challenge. It can take a lifetime of trying.

[Adra]

Good morning, Christmas is tomorrow and I have come a long way in how i feel. I still do not want to put myself in the path of anyone who cannot be kind so I still keep an emotional and physical distance.

To Big-Larry-

I did buy mom and my dad a gift last year, with Christian love I gave it to them and expected nothing in return. I did it because they are my parents.
My mom waited a few days then she handed me an envelope, in it was the exact amount of money that I had put into her and my dad's Christmas gift. No thank you -no merry Christmas no nothing but the money.

This year I did not bother.

May each of you have a Merry Christmas and may God bless you all in the coming year.

[Truly Blessed]

Thank you Ferd, I read and I learned.

I know that I do not want harm to come to those that have hurt me. I pray for those that have abused me. Some of those wounds -those roots you talk about go deep from when I was just a 6 yr. old child. Those roots are deep. I think I need to do a lot of praying for myself and for those that hurt me.

Does the fact that I hurt mean that I am not a Christian, that I am not saved.
Does the fact that I want to keep a distance between me and them mean I am not saved?

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you trust that person. When someone we loved and trusted in hurts us, we tend to turn on ourselves and question our own worth. Sometimes we even question whether God sees our deep hurt. Yet, God knows us and loves us and comes along side us to help us overcome those hurts.

Forgiveness is the first thing we do for ourselves in the healing process. Forgiveness isn't for the other person so much as it is for us. When we have truly forgiven we are able to move on without constantly reliving the hurts. When we forgive, we are making a statement that we will not be a victim for the rest of our life, but rather live as an overcomer.

You are saved! The anger one feels because of a past hurt is not sin in itself. It's how we deal with that anger that matters. Praying for that person is a great way of dealing with the anger.