Emotional affair

[A_PoMo]

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about. :)

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

[StillStanding]

*Slowly backs out of thread!* :paranoid

[A_PoMo]

LOL!!

Awww, come on! It's an honest question and deals with real life stuff!! Nobody wants to take a poke at it?

[Tina]

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about. :)

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

I haven't read the book, but if it happened in MY marriage, I'd have to say that I'd consider it the same as adultry. The trust in the marriage would be completely destroyed.

[gloryseeker]

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about. :)

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

[gloryseeker]

I haven't read the book, but if it happened in MY marriage, I'd have to say that I'd consider it the same as adultry. The trust in the marriage would be completely destroyed.

I read an article one time on pornography and the emotion attachment that people make in viewing it. It also talked about how it is a violation to the marriage even though no physical sex took place with another person. The results of watching is a detachment from the marriage partner.

[A_PoMo]

I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

Then aren't all husbands guilty of adultery at some point in their marriage? And wives too?

That reminds me, according to the book, the relationship doesn't need to be sexual at all. According to those who study this sort of thing it is not uncommon for sex to not be a part of the relationship. What I mean by that is the connection is emotional and sexual fantasy and sex talk isn't a part of the relationship and is often times assidiously avoided as much as any other relationship with the opposite sex. It seems hard to imagine that this could be so, but they claim it's true and since I can accept the possiblity of this actually happening I take their word for it. It's much the same as two Christian adults dating. They connect emotionally but (hopefully) avoid thinking about sexual things and don't have sex. It's purely emotional until they get married (in a perfect world...and church.:) )

What do you think? Is that adultery?

[Cindy]

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

[gloryseeker]

Then aren't all husbands guilty of adultery at some point in their marriage? And wives too?

I think that is a very good point, which then brings us to the definition of the thought.

First of all, not all thoughts are our thoughts. Several times in Matthew 6 Jesus says, "Take no thought" therefore we have the ability to receive the thought or reject it.

I being a man can see a pretty girl walking down the street. A thought may rise up within me so the question will then be, "what do I do with that thought."

Which in the context of what you have posted, I could entertain the thought to the point that I acted on it in some way...pursued an action to get to know the person, pursued a physical encounter, or just entertained to the point of self gratification. In these scenarios I would be guilty of Jesus' words.

However, if when the thought rose up I casted it down, rejected it, or did not entertain it then how could I be guilty?

That reminds me, according to the book, the relationship doesn't need to be sexual at all. According to those who study this sort of thing it is not uncommon for sex to not be a part of the relationship.

I would agree with this. Two people could emotionally attach in a way where they are connect more to each other than to their spouses. This is just as much of a betrayal as a physical encounter. In all reality, allowed to continue in most cases would lead to a physical encounter of some type.


What do you think? Is that adultery?

I think the definition of adultery is going to come back to my answer above. What I do how I pursue the relationship. I believe adultery in a sin definition (not necessarily a dictionary definition) starts in the thought realm.

[A_PoMo]

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

I agree. You can invest yourself emotionally in a business, or as the other person said, porn. I agree that it's the hardest part to deal with when an outside thing or person breaches a marriage.

But is it adultery? I have trouble accepting that premise. Is it wrong? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Damaging? Yes. Dangerous? Yes. Adultery? I'm not so sure. I tend to think that it's, as you say, a step in the process and can lead to actual adultery.

I was a little surprised to read this liberal view (it seems to lower the threshold for scripturally permissible divorce) in this otherwise conservative book. Normally I'm ok with more liberal views. But it seemed a little extreme to me and just wonder what other people think.

[Tina]

I think that is a very good point, which then brings us to the definition of the thought.

First of all, not all thoughts are our thoughts. Several times in Matthew 6 Jesus says, "Take no thought" therefore we have the ability to receive the thought or reject it.

I being a man can see a pretty girl walking down the street. A thought may rise up within me so the question will then be, "what do I do with that thought."

Which in the context of what you have posted, I could entertain the thought to the point that I acted on it in some way...pursued an action to get to know the person, pursued a physical encounter, or just entertained to the point of self gratification. In these scenarios I would be guilty of Jesus' words.

However, if when the thought rose up I casted it down, rejected it, or did not entertain it then how could I be guilty?



I would agree with this. Two people could emotionally attach in a way where they are connect more to each other than to their spouses. This is just as much of a betrayal as a physical encounter. In all reality, allowed to continue in most cases would lead to a physical encounter of some type.




I think the definition of adultery is going to come back to my answer above. What I do how I pursue the relationship. I believe adultery in a sin definition (not necessarily a dictionary definition) starts in the thought realm.

I grew up with a pastor that always said, "You can't always control the thoughts that enter your mind. However you can control the ones you let your mind dwell on."

[A_PoMo]

So the question is, "What is a biblical definition of adultery?"

I don't think there is a question that if this is happening in a marriage then that marriage is in serious trouble. But is there really adultery going on?

[A_PoMo]

If a pastor puts his ministry before his marriage and invests himself primarily in his ministry instead of his wife is he an adulterer?

It may seem like I'm comparing apples to oranges here because the ministry is not a person. But isn't the process and end result the same? There is not difference that I can see between detaching yourself from your spouse and investing your emotion and energy into a ministry than doing the same with a another person. It's the same process and has the same result and breaches the same vows.

It would seem then that adultery would more appropriately be limited to physical sexual relations with a person other than your spouse.

[jaxfam6]

I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

But is lusting after someone the same as becoming emotionally involved?
Lets say you have a friend that you become very close to and your affection for that person deepens. You are becoming more emotionally involved but you may not necessarily lust after that person.

[gloryseeker]

But is lusting after someone the same as becoming emotionally involved?
Lets say you have a friend that you become very close to and your affection for that person deepens. You are becoming more emotionally involved but you may not necessarily lust after that person.

Do you define lust as only a sexual desire? Isn't lust just "desire"? If that is the case then the development of "affection" is birthed after a desire, right?

[Rico]

I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

Actually, what He said was that if a man looks on a woman to lust after her he's committed adultery. That one little "to" is key to understanding what Jesus was talking about.

[jaxfam6]

Do you define lust as only a sexual desire? Isn't lust just "desire"? If that is the case then the development of "affection" is birthed after a desire, right?

I have friends that I have affection for but certainly do not desire them.
Affection does not necessarily have a sexual meaning. Emotional attachments can come through many ways sexual only being one of them.

[Rico]

Ok. I'm going to make a confession on this thread. About 20 years ago, when I was still single, and prior to my conversion, I became friends with a couple that I met through another friend of mine. At first I was only friends with the male in the couple. We'd get together and drink, smoke some weed, and generally party while listening to Johnny Cash records. I didn't like his wife much because all she did was complain and yell at him all the time. She didn't like me much I would tell him he needed to learn how to tell her to shut her big mouth while we were partying. Nothing ruins a good buzz like a loud mouthed nagging wife.

Anyway, somehow I ended up becoming friends with her too. Over the course of about a year and half we started getting closer and closer. So much so that we'd talk on the phone a lot and even visit each other when he wasn't around. Eventually, she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her marriage and how unhappy she was with him. The closer we got as friends, the more we shared our feelings with each other. I had had a bad relationship with my first wife, so I understood how she was feeling about her marriage.

Well, the day finally came when our talking turned into passion and I found myself having an affair with this lady. We made up any excuse we could think of to get her out of the house so we could carry on this love affair we were having.

Things ended between us when I finally told her she had to make a choice between me or her husband. She didn't have the heart to leave him because she had a baby girl with him and she knew that her leaving him would devastate him, and he'd most likely end up on drugs or killing himself.

Fast forward to after my conversion. As I studied the Bible and learned about the different things it had to say concerning marital relations, I realized that even if I wouldn't have taken things to an actual physical level with this woman that I would still have been guilt of committing adultery. My affair with her was happening on an emotional level long before we decided to get into bed with each other.

Realizing this helped me to put some standards in place. I know. I know. Standards can sometimes be a four letter word for some of us. What I decided was that I would never allow myself to fall into that kind of trap with another woman again. So, there are certain things I won't do. I will not do anything more than shake a woman's hand. Occasionally I have been known to give an elder sister a hug, though. I won't come into a man's home when he is not there. I will not ride in a car with a woman alone, except for immediate family members. I avoid getting into too many details with another woman if she is talking about any problems in her marriage. I also am very careful about what I talk about with the women around here in pms. I also make a point of letting my wife know about the things I talk with other women about on the phone.

I don't have to read this book to know what the author is talking about. I've lived it. My advice to all men and women is that you be careful in your friendships with people of the opposite sex. I did not start out with an affair on my mind when I became friends with this woman. It developed over time. As Christians, we have a huge target on our backs, and the enemy of our souls would love nothing better than to see any one of us ruined through ending up in a love affair. He's out to steal, kill, and destroy all that he can. Thank God for His forgiving power.

[gloryseeker]

I have friends that I have affection for but certainly do not desire them.
Affection does not necessarily have a sexual meaning. Emotional attachments can come through many ways sexual only being one of them.

That's a good point and I agree with you, but wouldn't the relationship define the level or direction of the desire?

You could work with someone who you absolutely love to work with, care about them, and it never move beyond that.

But, like Rico points out, if allowed desires can change and what was once unthinkable now becomes desirable.

Again, I'm not disagreeing with you...it's just an interesting subject to explore.

[jaxfam6]

That's a good point and I agree with you, but wouldn't the relationship define the level or direction of the desire?

You could work with someone who you absolutely love to work with, care about them, and it never move beyond that.

But, like Rico points out, if allowed desires can change and what was once unthinkable now becomes desirable.

Again, I'm not disagreeing with you...it's just an interesting subject to explore.

I can understand some of the points made by Rico in his post. I do not necessarily agree or disagree with all of it. He obviously went to far in his emotional connection. I have women I grew up with that I have remained friends with them and their husbands. I have no problem being alone with them, if the need would arise. I am not, neve was, and never will be, attracted to these women. I can and do tell them, in front of their husbands and in front of my wife that I love them. I have even hugged them and kissed. Not a mushy boyfriend/girlfriend type kiss, just a friendly peck on the cheek. If one of their husbands had a problem with it he would need to speak up. I don't make it a habit and I never will.
We have friends that we see all the time and I trust him with my wife and her with him. We are friends, we would probably fight to the death for each other. I love them and I have been alone with his wife and he alone with mine. As alone as couples with 4 kids apiece can ever be. We have even had some pretty personal conversations but I do not feel I would ever have anything more then my current friendship. Maybe I am just wishful thinking. I do believe that everyone should practice some godly common sense in ALL situations.

[rgcraig]

No doubt in my mind there are emotional affairs and they are just as dangerous as physical affairs.

[Falla39]

Ok. I'm going to make a confession on this thread. About 20 years ago, when I was still single, and prior to my conversion, I became friends with a couple that I met through another friend of mine. At first I was only friends with the male in the couple. We'd get together and drink, smoke some weed, and generally party while listening to Johnny Cash records. I didn't like his wife much because all she did was complain and yell at him all the time. She didn't like me much I would tell him he needed to learn how to tell her to shut her big mouth while we were partying. Nothing ruins a good buzz like a loud mouthed nagging wife.

Anyway, somehow I ended up becoming friends with her too. Over the course of about a year and half we started getting closer and closer. So much so that we'd talk on the phone a lot and even visit each other when he wasn't around. Eventually, she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her marriage and how unhappy she was with him. The closer we got as friends, the more we shared our feelings with each other. I had had a bad relationship with my first wife, so I understood how she was feeling about her marriage.

Well, the day finally came when our talking turned into passion and I found myself having an affair with this lady. We made up any excuse we could think of to get her out of the house so we could carry on this love affair we were having.

Things ended between us when I finally told her she had to make a choice between me or her husband. She didn't have the heart to leave him because she had a baby girl with him and she knew that her leaving him would devastate him, and he'd most likely end up on drugs or killing himself.

Fast forward to after my conversion. As I studied the Bible and learned about the different things it had to say concerning marital relations, I realized that even if I wouldn't have taken things to an actual physical level with this woman that I would still have been guilt of committing adultery. My affair with her was happening on an emotional level long before we decided to get into bed with each other.

Realizing this helped me to put some standards in place. I know. I know. Standards can sometimes be a four letter word for some of us. What I decided was that I would never allow myself to fall into that kind of trap with another woman again. So, there are certain things I won't do. I will not do anything more than shake a woman's hand. Occasionally I have been known to give an elder sister a hug, though. I won't come into a man's home when he is not there. I will not ride in a car with a woman alone, except for immediate family members. I avoid getting into too many details with another woman if she is talking about any problems in her marriage. I also am very careful about what I talk about with the women around here in pms. I also make a point of letting my wife know about the things I talk with other women about on the phone.

I don't have to read this book to know what the author is talking about. I've lived it. My advice to all men and women is that you be careful in your friendships with people of the opposite sex. I did not start out with an affair on my mind when I became friends with this woman. It developed over time. As Christians, we have a huge target on our backs, and the enemy of our souls would love nothing better than to see any one of us ruined through ending up in a love affair. He's out to steal, kill, and destroy all that he can. Thank God for His forgiving power.


Dear Bro. Rico,

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, at least your mother,
But over a period of time and reading your posts on FCF, NFCF, and on
AFF, there was developed in my mind a picture. The picture of a man who
seemingly could be thought of as tough, liberal who would argue just to
argue. But there was something deeper that shone through in your posts.
If you believed something was wrong, you would stand for it no matter
who would try to convince you otherwise.

I saw a young man that probably had a rough childhood, disappointments
through many experiences in and out of church. But I saw that man as one
who was learning and learning well.

Your post here confirms in my mind why I described you on another thread
as being conservative, a big teddy bear who loved God, his wife and his
children. Yes, we all have our own experiences which have brought us to
where we are today in Christ.

Paul speaks to someone in 2 Cor.7:8-11:

8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.

9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

11For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Bless you, dear Brother, and you can hide behind that big beard all you
want to, but I still "hear" a big teddy bear who loves God, his wife and his
children.

Parents are supposed to train up and discipline their children, but God
disciplines adult children. He's big enough. And He loves us SO much!
We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture.

Falla39

[jaxfam6]

No doubt in my mind there are emotional affairs and they are just as dangerous as physical affairs.

I would say I agree with you. My point is that not all emtional attachments should be classified as affairs. There are emotional attachments that will never go beyond the friendship that is there. There are other cases, as we have seen reported, that go past friendship and become sin.

[rgcraig]

I would say I agree with you. My point is that not all emtional attachments should be classified as affairs. There are emotional attachments that will never go beyond the friendship that is there. There are other cases, as we have seen reported, that go past friendship and become sin.

And I agree with you.

[Rhoni]

I would say I agree with you. My point is that not all emtional attachments should be classified as affairs. There are emotional attachments that will never go beyond the friendship that is there. There are other cases, as we have seen reported, that go past friendship and become sin.

I agree with this also.

[jaxfam6]

And I agree with you.

i suddenly have the warm fuzzies.

someone agrees with me

I think I am going to......... :faint

oh wow two agree

here i g....... :faint :faint


again

[Rico]

Dear Bro. Rico,

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, at least your mother,
But over a period of time and reading your posts on FCF, NFCF, and on
AFF, there was developed in my mind a picture. The picture of a man who
seemingly could be thought of as tough, liberal who would argue just to
argue. But there was something deeper that shone through in your posts.
If you believed something was wrong, you would stand for it no matter
who would try to convince you otherwise.

I saw a young man that probably had a rough childhood, disappointments
through many experiences in and out of church. But I saw that man as one
who was learning and learning well.

Your post here confirms in my mind why I described you on another thread
as being conservative, a big teddy bear who loved God, his wife and his
children. Yes, we all have our own experiences which have brought us to
where we are today in Christ.

Paul speaks to someone in 2 Cor.7:8-11:

8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.

9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

11For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Bless you, dear Brother, and you can hide behind that big beard all you
want to, but I still "hear" a big teddy bear who loves God, his wife and his
children.

Parents are supposed to train up and discipline their children, but God
disciplines adult children. He's big enough. And He loves us SO much!
We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture.

Falla39

Sister Falla, I am on a quest for truth, just like the rest of us. When I find it, I have no choice but to defend it. You're right about a lot of the things you've said about me, except that I know I would never be accepted among conservatives as a fellow conservative. Just the fact that I am willing to withstand them face to face disqualifies me and makes me rebellious in their opinion. That's ok, though. I like being a free agent. Thank you for your kind words. :)

[bethola]

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

Totally agree with this. It is my opinion that emotional "intimacy" (the sharing of ideas, opinions, goals, dreams, etc.) can eventually lead to physical intimacy.

[Falla39]

Sister Falla, I am on a quest for truth, just like the rest of us. When I find it, I have no choice but to defend it. You're right about a lot of the things you've said about me, except that I know I would never be accepted among conservatives as a fellow conservative. Just the fact that I am willing to withstand them face to face disqualifies me and makes me rebellious in their opinion. That's ok, though. I like being a free agent. Thank you for your kind words. :)

Traditional Conservative - b: marked by moderation or caution <a conservative estimate> c: marked by or relating to traditional norms of taste, elegance, style, or manners

Bro. Rico,
At times I have been considered somewhat of a rebel of sorts, or stubborn,
hard-headed or even deceived. Some could or would not understand that
there were principals/convictions I was unwilling to break, regardless of how
much pressure or intimidation was placed on me to do so.

However I always tried to show a good attitude and not be argumentive
regardless of the situation. That goes a long way. We can disagree without
being disagreeable. There is a difference.

And yes, Brother, that quest and hunger for truth will definitely cost
us something. We will be tested as to just how much we desire it!!:nod:nod

Blessings,

Falla39

[A_PoMo]

I appreciate all the comments. Good stuff.

So, it seems that nobody here thinks that an emotional affair is adultery. Is that a fair conclusion to draw from the discussion so far?

[gloryseeker]

I can understand some of the points made by Rico in his post. I do not necessarily agree or disagree with all of it. He obviously went to far in his emotional connection. I have women I grew up with that I have remained friends with them and their husbands. I have no problem being alone with them, if the need would arise. I am not, neve was, and never will be, attracted to these women. I can and do tell them, in front of their husbands and in front of my wife that I love them. I have even hugged them and kissed. Not a mushy boyfriend/girlfriend type kiss, just a friendly peck on the cheek. If one of their husbands had a problem with it he would need to speak up. I don't make it a habit and I never will.
We have friends that we see all the time and I trust him with my wife and her with him. We are friends, we would probably fight to the death for each other. I love them and I have been alone with his wife and he alone with mine. As alone as couples with 4 kids apiece can ever be. We have even had some pretty personal conversations but I do not feel I would ever have anything more then my current friendship. Maybe I am just wishful thinking. I do believe that everyone should practice some godly common sense in ALL situations.

You make some valid points....so would that mean as an answer to PoMo's original question that adultery is a condition of the heart and not just the physical?

[gloryseeker]

i suddenly have the warm fuzzies.

someone agrees with me

I think I am going to......... :faint

oh wow two agree

here i g....... :faint :faint


again

Don't allow your warm fuzzies to grow into an emotional affair with those who agree with you :ursofunny :tease

[Falla39]

Sister Falla, I am on a quest for truth, just like the rest of us. When I find it, I have no choice but to defend it. You're righta lot of the things you've said about me, except that I know about I would never be accepted among conservatives as a fellow conservative. Just the fact that I am willing to withstand them face to face disqualifies me and makes me rebellious in their opinion. That's ok, though. I like being a free agent. Thank you for your kind words. :)

Bro. Rico,
Could it be that being a conservative in heart and feeling that you are not excepted because of a differing opinion, are two different things! Having a differing opinion should not necessarily disqualify you. Neither should having an opinion different from those considered to be fellow conservatives keep you from being a free agent. I have a feeling that you would be respected for a differing opinion if you kept in mind that sometimes it isn't what we say but the way in which we say it.
Like being able to disagree without coming across as being disagreeable. What do you think!

Please don't think I am being critical at all. I would never offend you intentionally for anything. You have tremendous potential for God.

Blessings,

Falla39

[Rico]

Bro. Rico,
Could it be that being a conservative in heart and feeling that you are not excepted because of a differing opinion, are two different things! Having a differing opinion should not necessarily disqualify you. Neither should having an opinion different from those considered to be fellow conservatives keep you from being a free agent. I have a feeling that you would be respected for a differing opinion if you kept in mind that sometimes it isn't what we say but the way in which we say it.
Like being able to disagree without coming across as being disagreeable. What do you think!

Please don't think I am being critical at all. I would never offend you intentionally for anything. You have tremendous potential for God.

Blessings,

Falla39

Sister, the truth of the matter is that I have no desire to be accepted as part of any one specific group of believers. I like things the way they are.

[rgcraig]

I appreciate all the comments. Good stuff.

So, it seems that nobody here thinks that an emotional affair is adultery. Is that a fair conclusion to draw from the discussion so far?

I believe it is adultery.

[Falla39]

Sister, the truth of the matter is that I have no desire to be accepted as part of any one specific group of believers. I like things the way they are.

Dear Brother,

No problem! I trust I haven't offended you in any way. Something
within me and also because of experiences in my life, plus a strong
mothering nurturing nature, causes me to want to help make
things/life easier for others coming along behind me. But hey, if you
"like the way things are", bless you! :highfive Maybe instead of saying
you appear "conservative", "independent" would be a better word. An
independant teddy bear, who loves God, his wife and his children".:nod
Nothing wrong with that!
And you don't need no momma!:mama

Blessings,

Falla39

[Falla39]

Bro. A POMO,

Forgive me for hijacking your thread!

Blessings,

Falla39

[Rhoni]

The place an affair begins is in the seat of emotions. The person reaches out to you in an area not being met by your spouse.

The Bible tells us that it begins with a thought, then another thought, then a feeling, and before it is finished it becomes sin.

[IsolatedSaint]

The place an affair begins is in the seat of emotions. The person reaches out to you in an area not being met by your spouse.

Ah....that's one reason why we need to marry that person whom God has ordained for us to be married to because that is indeed the one that can fulfill all of our needs(including the emotional ones). I have a relative who's currently involved in one of these emotional affairs for 2 years now although it's long distance. No sex.....although the flames of passion seem to still be there despite the fact that the parties involved are in there 70's........ The weird part about it is that the husband doesn't seem to care. I see nothing but danger and at the very best future heartache and untold sorrows and misery coming out of this. This is alot more serious than people can imagine......people jump off bridges off of this kind of stuff.

[A_PoMo]

I believe it is adultery.

Why do you believe an emotional affair is adultery?

[A_PoMo]

Ah....that's one reason why we need to marry that person whom God has ordained for us to be married to because that is indeed the one that can fulfill all of our needs(including the emotional ones).

Most of the books I've read on marriage and relationships would disagree with you on the point that our mate can meet all of our emotional needs and that we shouldn't expect them to meet them all and we should be more realistic in this area.

Which causes me to think, ok, if these are NEEDS and not mere preferences (thus they MUST be met in order for us to maintain emotional health and stability and we WILL find a way to meet them no matter what) then what does a person do if their mate doesn't meet their emotional needs? How does a person deal with this situation.

I read one book that said that emotional affairs, while not appropriate, can have a stabilizing effect on a marriage because the one person is getting their emotional needs met and thus is less likely, in some cases, to leave the marriage. This is a Christian book btw.

I'm not saying I agree with all this, just posing the questions.

[A_PoMo]

The place an affair begins is in the seat of emotions. The person reaches out to you in an area not being met by your spouse.

The Bible tells us that it begins with a thought, then another thought, then a feeling, and before it is finished it becomes sin.

In this process it appears that action (sin) flows out of emotion. When repairing a damaged relationship is the reverse true? Do you believe that feelings follow action? Thus if a person does something long enough that the emotion associated with that action will come later.

In the context of relationships we generally do things because of emotion, like give our girl flowers because we feel warm and fuzzy feelings about her. We express our emotions through actions that way.

In the context of the aftermath of an emotional affair or the rebuilding of a damaged relationship most books say that you should do the 'loving' things even though you don't feel it and that eventually you will feel it. Thus, even though you don't feel positive emotions toward your mate that you should do loving and romantic things for them and eventually you will feel the warm and fuzzies again. I wonder about that.

What do you think?

[ILG]

Why do you believe an emotional affair is adultery?

I don't believe that an emotional affair is adultery any more than I believe that a man oogling a woman on the street is adultery. Neither one is wise and both show a need for personal growth and potential for adultery.

[A_PoMo]

I don't believe that an emotional affair is adultery any more than I believe that a man oogling a woman on the street is adultery. Neither one is wise and both show a need for personal growth and potential for adultery.

i don't believe it is either. but the other poster said they believed it is adultery and i was wondering why they hold to that position.

[Tim Rutledge]

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about. :)

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

An emotional affair would not be "Biblical" adultery. Although I see where it could actually be at least equally as damaging.

[ILG]

An emotional affair would not be "Biblical" adultery. Although I see where it could actually be at least equally as damaging.

I only think it would be equally damaging if your spouse THOUGHT you were having an actual one. An emotional affair would put a marriage in jeopardy but I think it would be a lot easier to recover from than an actual affair.

[Tim Rutledge]

I only think it would be equally damaging if your spouse THOUGHT you were having an actual one. An emotional affair would put a marriage in jeopardy but I think it would be a lot easier to recover from than an actual affair.

I agree.

[IsolatedSaint]

Ah....that's one reason why we need to marry that person whom God has ordained for us to be married to because that is indeed the one that can fulfill all of our needs(including the emotional ones).

Most of the books I've read on marriage and relationships would disagree with you on the point that our mate can meet all of our emotional needs and that we shouldn't expect them to meet them all and we should be more realistic in this area.

Which causes me to think, ok, if these are NEEDS and not mere preferences (thus they MUST be met in order for us to maintain emotional health and stability and we WILL find a way to meet them no matter what) then what does a person do if their mate doesn't meet their emotional needs? How does a person deal with this situation.

I read one book that said that emotional affairs, while not appropriate, can have a stabilizing effect on a marriage because the one person is getting their emotional needs met and thus is less likely, in some cases, to leave the marriage. This is a Christian book btw.

I'm not saying I agree with all this, just posing the questions.

Maybe I need to make myself more understood as to what I mean.......it's called chemistry!!!...when you and your mate got it you won't be needing to look elsewhere for any kind of fullfillment(emotional or otherwise). It's so simple....come to think of it will someone please tell me just what do you all mean by emotional needs anyway. What is an emotional need.....it obvious to me that those with these so-called emotional needs need to return to there first love and are in need to be filled with the Holy Ghost again....call it needing revival or whatever......people with these emotional needs(saved or unsaved but we are primarily talking about saved folks here)have a void in there life that can only be satisfied by Jesus!!! This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

[A_PoMo]

This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

Apostolic/Oneness people are not sinners?

One author states, using Ephesians 5 as a basis, that the primary emotional need of a woman is love and the primary emotional need of a man is respect. If a mate does not receive this from their partner the relationship will eventually suffer dramatically.

I understand that Christ is to be the at the center of our relationships. But we can't overspiritualize the dynamics of our relationships.

[jaxfam6]

Maybe I need to make myself more understood as to what I mean.......it's called chemistry!!!...when you and your mate got it you won't be needing to look elsewhere for any kind of fullfillment(emotional or otherwise). It's so simple....come to think of it will someone please tell me just what do you all mean by emotional needs anyway. What is an emotional need.....it obvious to me that those with these so-called emotional needs need to return to there first love and are in need to be filled with the Holy Ghost again....call it needing revival or whatever......people with these emotional needs(saved or unsaved but we are primarily talking about saved folks here)have a void in there life that can only be satisfied by Jesus!!! This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.


just to clarify

you are saying that because you have the Holy Ghost you NEVER need to have your spouse or ANYONE ever tell you they love you, need you, think you are great, want to spend time with you, join you for dinner, talk to you about ANYTHING, etc etc....?
God fills all those things in your life?

So then what would be the purpose of going to church? You would be an island unto yourself. You would need no one or nothing. I do not believe that is correct or even Biblical.

just wanting clarification on your comment.

[A_PoMo]

just to clarify

you are saying that because you have the Holy Ghost you NEVER need to have your spouse or ANYONE ever tell you they love you, need you, think you are great, want to spend time with you, join you for dinner, talk to you about ANYTHING, etc etc....?
God fills all those things in your life?

So then what would be the purpose of going to church? You would be an island unto yourself. You would need no one or nothing. I do not believe that is correct or even Biblical.

just wanting clarification on your comment.


Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that. :)

[jaxfam6]

Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that. :)

I know that but what is up with the quotes?

This was posted ABOVE the actual box: [quote=IsolatedSaint;568231]

[A_PoMo]

Idk. It did the same thing to me. Weird.

[jaxfam6]

see what I mean?

[quote=A_PoMo;568266]
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaxfam6


Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that.

I know that but what is up with the quotes?

This was posted ABOVE the actual box: [quote=IsolatedSaint;568231]

I am not the one that posted: " Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that. "

Something very strange going on here today

[A_PoMo]

It's the debil!!!! :)

[ILG]

[QUOTE=A_PoMo;567554]

Maybe I need to make myself more understood as to what I mean.......it's called chemistry!!!...when you and your mate got it you won't be needing to look elsewhere for any kind of fullfillment(emotional or otherwise). It's so simple....come to think of it will someone please tell me just what do you all mean by emotional needs anyway. What is an emotional need.....it obvious to me that those with these so-called emotional needs need to return to there first love and are in need to be filled with the Holy Ghost again....call it needing revival or whatever......people with these emotional needs(saved or unsaved but we are primarily talking about saved folks here)have a void in there life that can only be satisfied by Jesus!!! This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

Are you saying that God fulfills all emotional needs? That is way off base. What are families for? What are spouses for? What are friends for?

[DividedThigh]

good points ilg, god fulfills his part and gives us loved ones to fill the rest, inho, dt

[IsolatedSaint]

[QUOTE=IsolatedSaint;568231]

Are you saying that God fulfills all emotional needs? That is way off base. What are families for? What are spouses for? What are friends for?

That's right.....but as I said......chemistry.....be sure you are marrying the right one for you specifically and not just any ole body. But those that have to be searching to have whatever emotional needs met outside of proper, biblical boundaries many times are operating on an empty cup spiritually.

God is to be the foundation for having all these "emotional needs" met. Besides what happens when you have no friends....when you are in a place of isolation for a season. Many times God has us in this position. I know many just cannot stand to be alone for 3 days much less for any extended period of time.

We are supposed to be operating on the basis of overflow, not need.

[StillStanding]

I am emotionally attached to the Chicago Cubs and the Tennessee Titans and Vols. I have gone to the bedroom to watch a few games, because Mrs. Pianoman didn't want to change the channel from some chick show she was watching. She claims at times that I love them more than I love her!

Is this an emotional affair? :D

[mama bear]

Just let me say, for the record...17 years ago my FORMER husband had an emotional affair with a NEEDY lady. She had 2 sons, we had 2 daughters. She would call him about EVERYTHING. I tried telling him where this was heading. I don't believe for a second that they had a full-blown affair, but she was so dependent on him, she couldn't live without him...so she said.
I felt cheated, our daughters were cheated. I think it is very much adultery.
He was her IDOL. Evidently he thought he was doing God's work!! Yes, he was a Pastor.

In short, YES it is adultery.

[Jack Shephard]

I think emotional affrairs are more dangerous than ONLY physical ones. Both are wrong, but I have seen marriages be restored after physical affairs, but I have rarely seen them restored after an emotional one. Often times the emotional ones end up physical, but the physical ones don't always end up emotional.

[IsolatedSaint]

just to clarify

you are saying that because you have the Holy Ghost you NEVER need to have your spouse or ANYONE ever tell you they love you, need you, think you are great, want to spend time with you, join you for dinner, talk to you about ANYTHING, etc etc....?
God fills all those things in your life?

So then what would be the purpose of going to church? You would be an island unto yourself. You would need no one or nothing. I do not believe that is correct or even Biblical.

just wanting clarification on your comment.

1. What is the purpose of going to church? That's a whole nother thread in and of itself. But I can assure you that I don't get any of my so-called emotional needs met attending church services.....at least not lately. You call just getting a bunch of lame handshakes fulfillng?

No interaction, no nothing!!! Don't get me started on how I feel about local churches or organized religion in general cause I'll probably end up getting banned from this board.

Being edified and built up in the spirit.....if that's what you mean by having your emotional needs met, fine....but I can assure you that isn't going on in any of the churches in my area.

[IsolatedSaint]

Just let me say, for the record...17 years ago my FORMER husband had an emotional affair with a NEEDY lady. She had 2 sons, we had 2 daughters. She would call him about EVERYTHING. I tried telling him where this was heading. I don't believe for a second that they had a full-blown affair, but she was so dependent on him, she couldn't live without him...so she said.
I felt cheated, our daughters were cheated. I think it is very much adultery.
He was her IDOL. Evidently he thought he was doing God's work!! Yes, he was a Pastor.

In short, YES it is adultery.

Very well said.....you know I thought that this sort of thing was only going on in my family. The key word is IDOL or IDOLATRY because that's exactly what it is. These type of relationships are more difficult to break up because on the surface it doesn't appear to be evil like full-blown physical adultery. This is way more serious than even a husband(or wife)looking at porn on the internet although that's bad too. This needs to be taught on in all of our churches.....there are plenty of scriptures on idolatry that can be applied here.....need we say anymore. The person receiving the idolatry is just as guilty as well.

[mama bear]

Very well said.....you know I thought that this sort of thing was only going on in my family.

oooooh, the things I could tell you. At the time I was going through all of this, other minister wives would say, they were going through the same thing. I really think there is much more emotional affairs going on than not!

[A_PoMo]

oooooh, the things I could tell you. At the time I was going through all of this, other minister wives would say, they were going through the same thing. I really think there is much more emotional affairs going on than not!

Mommabear, I'm sorry for the pain you've been through. I agree, I think perhaps (along with porn) this is probably something that is more common than we know in the church, and not just among ministers. But ministers are in a unique position to fall victim to this sort of thing due to the nature of a minister's work and relationship of trust and intimacy with people. It's something to be guarded against. I used to scoff at some of the precautions I saw elder ministers take to guard against this possiblity. I don't scoff any longer.

I just wish that this kind of situation was talked about more as well as how to avoid them from happening in the first place. I assume that the people involved are most likely good people and fall into a trap that is sprung before they realize it's happened. If the trap were identified more clearly perhaps less people would fall into it. Know what I mean? I'd never even HEARD of the term "emotional affair" until I read this book a couple of months ago. I've been in church all my life, graduated as a double major from Bible college, read numerous books on relationships and emotional issues, have worked in four different churches and it wasn't until I took a class in seminary that I heard about it. There's something wrong with that picture, imo.

I understand why you respond that it's adultery, but from a theological point of view I have to respectfully disagree with you on that one (even though I understand your emotional response to it). In the Bible adultery is associated with physical intimacy, not emotional intimacy. Thus when adultery is given as an out for divorce it's talking about phsyical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is often times, although by no means always, a step in the process toward phsyical intimacy.

I'm not minimizing the pain and wrongness of emotional affairs. Please dont' misunderstand. From a woman's perspective emotional affairs can often times be more painful and hurtful than purely physical ones. And emotional affairs, from a man's point of view, are more difficult to extract from and to recover from than ones that are only about sex. It's definitely akin to a Goardian knot or a Pandora's box.

[IsolatedSaint]

oooooh, the things I could tell you. At the time I was going through all of this, other minister wives would say, they were going through the same thing. I really think there is much more emotional affairs going on than not!

Something is wrong when someone has to go outside there marriage for anything, but your situation should be a calling card/warning to all that are in the ministry/pastors etc. You know that if your husband had of died the lady probably would've had a heart attack or jumped off a bridge or both. Some of these situations I believe get into the realm of the DEMONIC and the persons involved end up needing serious deliverance.
Now many on this board have said that biblically it's not adultery unless it's literal adultery....technically that may be so but when you start seeing drastic changes in behaviour it's obvious there's a love connection being made that is a precursor to adultery. Folks just don't realize how deadly this is and Pastors need to be taught about this.....Oh they're taught stuff like don't do counseling in the same room alone with the opposite sex without your wife present, you know surface stuff.

They that are Christs have crucified the AFFECTIONS and lusts.....not just the lusts. You know certain males(like myself)somehow draw women to them that discuss all there problems with them etc. and can be friends with them without getting involved sexually and it's not someone calling me every other hour of the day either. But most men never get this type of attention from other women until they're either married/and or are in the ministry.....now you know that's demonic when all of the sudden all these women come out of the woodwork all at once with all these "Emotional Needs". It's a strong possibility that your husband wasn't taught or was deceived but that's highly unlikely because there's is still such a thing called Holy Ghost CONVICTION!!! you know the kind that stops or tries to stop you dead in your tracks before your headlong plunge into destruction.

[Sissy]

Unfortunately, the "needy" woman feeds the "ego" of the man. In reality, they both know what they're doing.

[A_PoMo]

Unfortunately, the "needy" woman feeds the "ego" of the man. In reality, they both know what they're doing.

Love and respect. His attention makes her feel loved. Her admiration and allowing to be rescued makes him feel respected. Often times though, I don't think the dynamics are always understood by those involved until it's too late.

[Sissy]

I am curious as to why this happens so frequently. Why is it that the man is usually married - may or may not be a Pastor/ Leadership position? Is it a challenge for the woman if he is married? Is it a challenge for the man not to get caught, so to speak? Why is it that they don't supposely know what they're doing until it is too late?

[A_PoMo]

I am curious as to why this happens so frequently. Why is it that the man is usually married - may or may not be a Pastor/ Leadership position? Is it a challenge for the woman if he is married? Is it a challenge for the man not to get caught, so to speak? Why is it that they don't supposely know what they're doing until it is too late?

From what I understand they're usually both in a place of vulnerability. The one that is married (it could be both of them) usually is in a troubled marriage and does not feel loved/respected and the other person meets that need (usually inadvertently) and the connection is made. People in ministry are more prone to this simply because they are more often in positions where people are baring their souls to them and these emotional connections are more apt to happen during those times of emotional revealing and trust. Often times a woman can, through the baring of her soul, connect with a man without meaningto because she wants something out of relationships that he's craving and isn't getting at home so he then desires this from her. He's giving her attention and listening and trying to help her so she feels loved and wants more. They begin, unknowingly, to become dependent on each other for these needs and it progresses from there to something more serious. Oftentimes this happens in an instant and neither of them, especially if they're not knowledeable about emotional dynamics between men and women, understand or perceive what is happening between them emotionally. They make that connection accidentally and it takes a concious effort on one or both of their parts, if they finally realize the error of their ways, to break the connection, assuming they even recognize what happened. Often times they're eyeballs deep in emotion before they realize what's happened and the stronger the emotion the more difficult it is to think and act from the basis of principles. The most insane decisions people make are ones they make from their emotions. The longer both have been without this emotional input the harder and faster they fall and the harder it is to disengage. These are emotional needs, not wants. Thus if you don't get this need attended to you can push it off for a long time and suppress it but eventually you will find ways to meet that need in yourself, even in something as destructive as an emotional affair. At some point you find something that triggers that need and if you're not careful you can easily lose control of yourself as you soak up the emotion like a shriveled, dried sponge sucks in water. That's why those who know about this stuff say that emotional affairs are more difficult to overcome than primarily phsyical ones, especially for men.

[Tyk]

Christ taught on the condition of the heart.

What do you think Jesus would say if you asked him? Does it uphold honor? The Vow you took? Faithfulness? Is it Wise? Would you openly admit to your brothers, sisters, and pastor and yes wife, the situation with no guilt? Is wrong is the eyes of God the same is Sin?

[A_PoMo]

Christ taught on the condition of the heart.

What do you think Jesus would say if you asked him? Does it uphold honor? The Vow you took? Faithfulness? Is it Wise? Would you openly admit to your brothers, sisters, and pastor and yes wife, the situation with no guilt? Is wrong is the eyes of God the same is Sin?

I don't think anybody is arguing that an emotional affair isn't wrong. We all agree that it's wrong. I think the original question was is it adultery as defined in the Bible?

[jaxfam6]

1. What is the purpose of going to church? That's a whole nother thread in and of itself. But I can assure you that I don't get any of my so-called emotional needs met attending church services.....at least not lately. You call just getting a bunch of lame handshakes fulfillng?

No interaction, no nothing!!! Don't get me started on how I feel about local churches or organized religion in general cause I'll probably end up getting banned from this board.

Being edified and built up in the spirit.....if that's what you mean by having your emotional needs met, fine....but I can assure you that isn't going on in any of the churches in my area.


So you feel you need nothing and no one?

[SOUNWORTHY]

#24 07-19-2008, 10:37 AM
rgcraig
Prettiest Bride! Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Collierville, TN
Posts: 13,501

Re: Emotional affair

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:
Originally Posted by jaxfam6
I would say I agree with you. My point is that not all emtional attachments should be classified as affairs. There are emotional attachments that will never go beyond the friendship that is there. There are other cases, as we have seen reported, that go past friendship and become sin.

And I agree with you.

And so do I.

[IsolatedSaint]

So you feel you need nothing and no one?

Not exactly.....quite the contrary....but as it stands now I'm in this position of isolation(hence the term isolatedsaint)not by choice
but I will survive and thrive in spite of being pushed aside, cast aside, ignored
and yes I don't need to be in a church where there is no interaction....either I have to be giving/imparting something to others or they have to be giving/imparting something of value to me....relational christianity is where it's at and it means more than just going to a church and singing 3 songs, taking up an offering, here a sermon preach and essentially after that go home and the services being exactly the same every time.

Organized, institutionalized church(including oneness pentecostal ones) is done, finished anyway......stick a fork in it and bury it!!!

[Aquila]

Not exactly.....quite the contrary....but as it stands now I'm in this position of isolation(hence the term isolatedsaint)not by choice
but I will survive and thrive in spite of being pushed aside, cast aside, ignored
and yes I don't need to be in a church where there is no interaction....either I have to be giving/imparting something to others or they have to be giving/imparting something of value to me....relational christianity is where it's at and it means more than just going to a church and singing 3 songs, taking up an offering, here a sermon preach and essentially after that go home and the services being exactly the same every time.

Organized, institutionalized church(including oneness pentecostal ones) is done, finished anyway......stick a fork in it and bury it!!!

What's your first name Isolated?

[Aquila]

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts. She loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

[Jack Shephard]

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts, loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

I am not sure it matters 'when' it starts, but that one is going on at all...I think an emotional affair is more serious than a strict physical one. I have know husbands and wives that forgave a spouse for a physical affair, but have seen families torn up over emotional ones. i.e. people addicted to porn is an emotional thing more than physical IMO and this can rip a family up more than a spouse cheating on the other again IMO.

[Aquila]

I think it matters if they plan on working through it.

Honestly, I think you're right on a lot there. I personally could forgive a strictly physical affair or even my spouse using adult entertainment. For me the emotional affair is worse even without physical relations. Because I'd be knowing that she's closer to an "actual person" of the opposite gender, spending time with them, laughing with them, connecting to them, leaving me behind.

[rgcraig]

see what I mean?

[quote=A_PoMo;568266]
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaxfam6


Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that.

I know that but what is up with the quotes?

This was posted ABOVE the actual box: [quote=IsolatedSaint;568231]

I am not the one that posted: " Just to clarify, I didn't say that. Isolated said that. "

Something very strange going on here today
I'm trying to clean things up.

This happens when someone leaves off a bracket to a quote.

Should be fixed now.

[rgcraig]

Okay, and the reason that I feel that an emotional affair is adultery is because you give the private emotional side of yourself to someone other than your spouse. There are deep ties to knowing someone like that.

The physical part of a relationship can be non-emotional, detached - just sex, however, when the emotions are involved it's a deeper commitment. So, to me an emotional affair without the sex can be considered adultery too because of the feelings involved.

[Jack Shephard]

Okay, and the reason that I feel that an emotional affair is adultery is because you give the private emotional side of yourself to someone other than your spouse. There are deep ties to knowing someone like that.

The physical part of a relationship can be non-emotional, detached - just sex, however, when the emotions are involved it's a deeper commitment. So, to me an emotional affair without the sex can be considered adultery too because of the feelings involved.

What about if it is with the same sex, but not sexual in anyway? Such as you become very close to a girlfriend and or a guy that is a friend, but in no way is it sexual at all. What do you think then? I have my answer but want to know yours.

[ILG]

What about if it is with the same sex, but not sexual in anyway? Such as you become very close to a girlfriend and or a guy that is a friend, but in no way is it sexual at all. What do you think then? I have my answer but want to know yours.

I think people should be allowed to become good friends with members of the opposite sex as long as it is not of a sexual nature. As a matter of fact, I think it can be healthy to do so. I remember having a very good male friend in High School pre-UPC. There was nothing but friendship there. We sang together and hung out together some. In the UPC, I was taught that that was practically anathema. I think maybe the key is that the views of the marriage partner are to be respected more than the views of the friend. To me, that is what is important. When it comes to porn addiction....the person is valuing porn higher than the views of the spouse....because no spouse wants their partner being involved with pornopraphy....sharing things sexually vicariously that they should be sharing only with their partner.

[Jack Shephard]

I think people should be allowed to become good friends with members of the opposite sex as long as it is not of a sexual nature. As a matter of fact, I think it can be healthy to do so. I remember having a very good male friend in High School pre-UPC. There was nothing but friendship there. We sang together and hung out together some. In the UPC, I was taught that that was practically anathema. I think maybe the key is that the views of the marriage partner are to be respected more than the views of the friend. To me, that is what is important. When it comes to porn addiction....the person is valuing porn higher than the views of the spouse....because no spouse wants their partner being involved with pornopraphy....sharing things sexually vicariously that they should be sharing only with their partner.

Agree nothing is wrong with being close with a person of the opposite sex. But is there an emotional point that is too far, but not sexual at the sametime? Is it when you share something with that person that you wouldn't with your spouse? Where is that line?

[Aquila]

So far the discussion just seems a little one sided and focused on the one who is having the emotional “affair”. From what I’ve seen people just don’t suddenly develop these friendships in a vacuum. What would possibly cause a spouse to seek another’s emotional friendship to fulfill their emotional needs?

[ILG]

Agree nothing is wrong with being close with a person of the opposite sex. But is there an emotional point that is too far, but not sexual at the sametime? Is it when you share something with that person that you wouldn't with your spouse? Where is that line?

I think that if a person confides more in a friend than a spouse...whether the person is male or female...there are issues. I know women who talk on and on about their spouse to their girlfriends....I can't say that is healthy. I also don't think that means that there is never a time to not share something with a spouse, but I think that when the emotional tie with anyone becomes stronger than to one's spouse....it puts a pause in my mind anyway.

[ILG]

So far the discussion just seems a little one sided and focused on the one who is having the emotional “affair”. From what I’ve seen people just don’t suddenly develop these friendships in a vacuum. What would possibly cause a spouse to seek another’s emotional friendship to fulfill their emotional needs?

Can a spouse fulfill ALL the emotional needs of a person? I think not. I just think the relationship between spouses should be sufficiently strong that they both are great friends and can welcome others into the circle as well.

[Aquila]

Can a spouse fulfill ALL the emotional needs of a person? I think not. I just think the relationship between spouses should be sufficiently strong that they both are great friends and can welcome others into the circle as well.

I agree. But isn't there an emotional line that can be crossed? What causes some to cross that line?

And here's another interesting question, should a spouse share the details of their friendships with their husband or wife?

For example, let's say a wife has some very close friendships (think male, femail, or both) at work that are very close. And they text message eachother on occasion etc. Should her text messages be private like a diary or should her husband have the right to snoop into her texting records or to demand to see them? ... Or vise versa?

Because that could open a can of worms that might make a mountain out of a mole hill.

[Jack Shephard]

I agree. But isn't there an emotional line that can be crossed? What causes some to cross that line?

And here's another interesting question, should a spouse share the details of their friendships with their husband or wife?

For example, let's say a wife has some very close friendships (think male, femail, or both) at work that are very close. And they text message eachother on occasion etc. Should her text messages be private like a diary or should her husband have the right to snoop into her texting records or to demand to see them? ... Or vise versa?

Because that could open a can of worms that might make a mountain out of a mole hill.


I think that where one should draw the line is like this. If anything gets between God and you it cause a covenant break that must be restored in order to be in the intimate settings with God--whether phyiscally or emotionally. Same with us if anything gets between our spouse and us, physical or emotional then it is wrong. But emotions are tougher to break away from than physical attachments.

[Aquila]

I think that where one should draw the line is like this. If anything gets between God and you it cause a covenant break that must be restored in order to be in the intimate settings with God--whether phyiscally or emotionally. Same with us if anything gets between our spouse and us, physical or emotional then it is wrong. But emotions are tougher to break away from than physical attachments.

I can fully agree with that.

What's your opinion of the cell phone texting question? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Jack Shephard]

I can fully agree with that.

What's your opinion of the cell phone texting question? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

People that follow standards (and believe it is sin) at home when on vacation don't and write it off to 'being on vacation.' If talking too intimately in person is wrong then the same goes for other points of media cause you ain't ever 'on vacation from right and wrong.' One thing is FOR CERTAIN it is much easier to talk in an intimate fashion in emails, texts and other writtings than it is in person at times. One can let the true feelings out with little embarassment because there is no face to face meeting. I text with all sorts of people about all sorts of things...I always try to make sure it is on the up and up...I learned long ago never write down something that you would not want everyone to read...that is soooo true!

[tamor]

...I learned long ago never write down something that you would not want everyone to read...that is soooo true!

AMEN!!

[ILG]

I agree. But isn't there an emotional line that can be crossed? What causes some to cross that line?

And here's another interesting question, should a spouse share the details of their friendships with their husband or wife?

For example, let's say a wife has some very close friendships (think male, femail, or both) at work that are very close. And they text message eachother on occasion etc. Should her text messages be private like a diary or should her husband have the right to snoop into her texting records or to demand to see them? ... Or vise versa?

Because that could open a can of worms that might make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Hmm...I don't know why a person would want to keep those records private. I see two possible reasons...one is that maybe something crossed the line or the spouse was constantly jealous and demanding and the other felt they should be trusted with a little texting. I can see it both ways but generally I don't think a spouse should keep another from seeing the texting nor should a spouse be constantly demanding to see everything.

[Aquila]

People that follow standards (and believe it is sin) at home when on vacation don't and write it off to 'being on vacation.' If talking too intimately in person is wrong then the same goes for other points of media cause you ain't ever 'on vacation from right and wrong.' One thing is FOR CERTAIN it is much easier to talk in an intimate fashion in emails, texts and other writtings than it is in person at times. One can let the true feelings out with little embarassment because there is no face to face meeting. I text with all sorts of people about all sorts of things...I always try to make sure it is on the up and up...I learned long ago never write down something that you would not want everyone to read...that is soooo true!

I agree. But that doesn’t answer the question I had. Does a husband or a wife have the right to snoop through a spouse’s texting or to demand to see it? I’m asking for your thoughts because this is a real situation I’ve encountered very recently. When he was feeling jealous he demanded to see her texting and she refused, and so they had a huge fight that became violent after which she left with their child and stayed at motel. She claims that several factors caused her to refuse to allow her husband to see her text messages. She felt that her privacy was being violated. She states that her girlfriend (who they both know) had shared some very personal information about a situation in the texting that was of so personal of a nature she couldn’t betray her friends trust and allow her husband to see it. Also there was some “girl talk” about a guy at work (her girlfriend is single by the way). The wife was terrified that her husband, in his jealous frame of mind, would have flipped completely out making her statements out to be far more than she would have ever intended them.

They’re currently in counseling but the debate still rages….did he have a right to demand to see her text messages or should she have privacy in this area and he just have to trust her? For the record, she’s never done anything questionable or been unfaithful in the past (though they were both pretty wild before attending church). He's currently wrestling with serious emotional issues that are causing him to have a high level of insecurity.

[MusicMaster]

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts. She loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

Very thought provoking post.


So far the discussion just seems a little one sided and focused on the one who is having the emotional “affair”. From what I’ve seen people just don’t suddenly develop these friendships in a vacuum. What would possibly cause a spouse to seek another’s emotional friendship to fulfill their emotional needs?

Lack of communication would be at the top of the list.

[U376977]

I can fully agree with that.

What's your opinion of the cell phone texting question? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Do you trust your wife? I have a very open relationship with mine. She knows where I have messed up---I have earned her trust again. And I trust her completely. I would not even think to look at her texting. But if I demanded it, she would let me. I text her cousin one evening...after about 15 min. and several exchanges she asked to see it....no big deal. I handed her the phone.

[Aquila]

Do you trust your wife? I have a very open relationship with mine. She knows where I have messed up---I have earned her trust again. And I trust her completely. I would not even think to look at her texting. But if I demanded it, she would let me. I text her cousin one evening...after about 15 min. and several exchanges she asked to see it....no big deal. I handed her the phone.

This husband and wife have a very open relationship too...maybe too open at times and that's where some insecurities come into play. But what if your wife refused to allow you access to her texting and claimed that she was protecting the intimate privacy of a friend and was trying to prevent you from misunderstanding something she said that was intended to just between girls in a conversation with her single girlfriend? Would she have the right to deny you access?

[Jack Shephard]

I agree. But that doesn’t answer the question I had. Does a husband or a wife have the right to snoop through a spouse’s texting or to demand to see it? I’m asking for your thoughts because this is a real situation I’ve encountered very recently. When he was feeling jealous he demanded to see her texting and she refused, and so they had a huge fight that became violent after which she left with their child and stayed at motel. She claims that several factors caused her to refuse to allow her husband to see her text messages. She felt that her privacy was being violated. She states that her girlfriend (who they both know) had shared some very personal information about a situation in the texting that was of so personal of a nature she couldn’t betray her friends trust and allow her husband to see it. Also there was some “girl talk” about a guy at work (her girlfriend is single by the way). The wife was terrified that her husband, in his jealous frame of mind, would have flipped completely out making her statements out to be far more than she would have ever intended them.

They’re currently in counseling but the debate still rages….did he have a right to demand to see her text messages or should she have privacy in this area and he just have to trust her? For the record, she’s never done anything questionable or been unfaithful in the past (though they were both pretty wild before attending church). He's currently wrestling with serious emotional issues that are causing him to have a high level of insecurity.

Well this is another can of worms here. Well here is how JT sees it. I think that if one party gets jealous of the other and asks or demands to see text messages and the accused party thinks it is a violation of privacy then tell the accuser that but be up front and say there are things that you would not want to see or read, yada, yada. If there is nothing to hide then hand over the handheld with the text messages. What does it hurt to be accomodating. In rare cases does one party become jealous without warrant. But it does happen.

If it were me and my sife accused me of something or was wanting to check on me I would give the phone over...nothing to hide. There was once when my wife wanted to look at some pictures on my phone and I had a picture she would not have liked it was nothing bad at all, but knowing my wife she would not be happy so I grabbed the phone real quick and deleted it, but while I was doing it I told her exactly what I was deleting and why. Not sure if it ever became an issue cause she never mentioned it.

Being insecure is another ball of wax. There is no evidence that would quench the hunger of a jealous person. They always think that they are one step behind in finding the proof. --like a treasure hunter.

[Baron1710]

This husband and wife have a very open relationship too...maybe too open at times and that's where some insecurities come into play. But what if your wife refused to allow you access to her texting and claimed that she was protecting the intimate privacy of a friend and was trying to prevent you from misunderstanding something she said that was intended to just between girls in a conversation with her single girlfriend? Would she have the right to deny you access?

At our house my wife has all my paswords and I have hers. If she wants to check my email or my phone it is always there for her to check. This protects me and her. Do we spend time going through each others mail, I don't, and I would bet she doesn't either, but the fact that they can keeps you honest.

[Jack Shephard]

This husband and wife have a very open relationship too...maybe too open at times and that's where some insecurities come into play. But what if your wife refused to allow you access to her texting and claimed that she was protecting the intimate privacy of a friend and was trying to prevent you from misunderstanding something she said that was intended to just between girls in a conversation with her single girlfriend? Would she have the right to deny you access?

Between husband and wives there should be no secret great enough that you can not devuldge it. Now it is an issue where the spouse thinks the other spouse will become a blabber mouth about the subject then that is different, but approach it different.

[Aquila]

Between husband and wives there should be no secret great enough that you can not devuldge it. Now it is an issue where the spouse thinks the other spouse will become a blabber mouth about the subject then that is different, but approach it different.

I agree. I would say it would have to be an issue of national security to cause me to keep something from my wife, even the darkest aspects of my human nature.

But...what if she understands that, yet because of the jealous frame of mind was terrified that her husband would misinterpret something said and perhaps things would have been made worse?

[Jack Shephard]

I agree. I would say it would have to be an issue of national security to cause me to keep something from my wife, even the darkest aspects of my human nature.

But...what if she understands that, yet because of the jealous frame of mind was terrified that her husband would misinterpret something said and perhaps things would have been made worse?

then be willing to answer tough questions. If one becomes defensive cause of POSSIBLE misconceptions then they either trigger happy or they don't trust that the other spouse is understanding enough. It seems that no anwser will suffice what you are asking. Is there a part we are missing?

[StillStanding]

As some on here know, Mrs. Pianoman is welcome to read my emails, PMs, or texts. She has responded back when she didn't think the conversation was appropriate! :D

[rgcraig]

As some on here know, Mrs. Pianoman is welcome to read my emails, PMs, or texts. She has responded back when she didn't think the conversation was appropriate! :D

:ursofunny:ursofunny

[StillStanding]

:ursofunny:ursofunny
I guess you've heard? :ursofunny

[rgcraig]

Good discussion.

I have a lot of insight and would like to discuss, but choose not to at this time.

[rgcraig]

I guess you've heard? :ursofunny

Yes and for clarification - it wasn't me!

However, she did wonder why I had your cell phone number when I called to tell everyone hello when you were having dinner with some Affer's (she had forgotten about the JCM reunion).

[StillStanding]

Yes and for clarification - it wasn't me!:ursofunny

[ILG]

I agree. But that doesn’t answer the question I had. Does a husband or a wife have the right to snoop through a spouse’s texting or to demand to see it? I’m asking for your thoughts because this is a real situation I’ve encountered very recently. When he was feeling jealous he demanded to see her texting and she refused, and so they had a huge fight that became violent after which she left with their child and stayed at motel. She claims that several factors caused her to refuse to allow her husband to see her text messages. She felt that her privacy was being violated. She states that her girlfriend (who they both know) had shared some very personal information about a situation in the texting that was of so personal of a nature she couldn’t betray her friends trust and allow her husband to see it. Also there was some “girl talk” about a guy at work (her girlfriend is single by the way). The wife was terrified that her husband, in his jealous frame of mind, would have flipped completely out making her statements out to be far more than she would have ever intended them.

They’re currently in counseling but the debate still rages….did he have a right to demand to see her text messages or should she have privacy in this area and he just have to trust her? For the record, she’s never done anything questionable or been unfaithful in the past (though they were both pretty wild before attending church). He's currently wrestling with serious emotional issues that are causing him to have a high level of insecurity.

In this case, I think she should allow him rights to the texting and from now on, not say things that he would find objectionable. If he is that insecure, maybe she should try and help him out. That doesn't make him right. I just don't know how this might otherwise be rectified.

[A_PoMo]

Good discussion.

I have a lot of insight and would like to discuss, but choose not to at this time.

Aww come on! Spill it! :tease

[A_PoMo]

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts. She loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

This is a very revealing expose' of what I am sure is true in many lives, not just those in ministry.

However, I wouldn't be too harsh on him and say he's rejected by God. Obviously there is an emotional need he has that isn't being met. Now, we could argue as to whether or not that need is a healthy on or not, I'd argue that it's not a healthy one and it should be dealt with. Any person who enters ministry for the affirmation of others is in huge trouble from the start. Perhaps those that discipled him over the years neglected their responsiblities in that regard. Instead of prophesying over him perhaps they should have been counseling him and maybe he would have had the emotional health and balance to do something more productive.

Calling to ministry does not equate to qualification for ministry. Too often we allow people to minister based on their calling but neglect to see if they are indeed spiritually and emotionally qualified to do the job. As a result there are way too many ministers (and their wives) who are ministering with glaring character flaws and immense emotional incapacity with issues relating to anger, arrogance, egomania, and other emotionally crippling issues.

Sure, it's easy to have sympathy (or empathy) for her and her understandable attraction to her boss. But, she (like her husband) is making an immature decision based on emotion and not based on Word principle. In marriage love is a decision of commitment, not just an emotion. We are admonished in scripture to love and respect our mates irregardless of whether it's reciprocated. But in some apostolic circles feelings and emotion trumps truth and righteousness and these people have bought into that error and their lives are proof of it's unhealthy approach to spirituality and life (as me how I know!).

In this story I see tragedy. I see two people who are living their lives according to unbiblical paradigms of love, marriage, and self-worth. I would guess they inherited those unbiblical life views from their religious environment. They're bound by bad thinking and need to be set free. Know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Knowing the truth means they have to be honest and ask the tough "Why?" questions and peel back the onion layers of their soul and allow God to change them. That's true discipleship.

"The Emotionally Healthy Church" and "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Pete Scazzero would be a good place to start in the healing process, imo.

Please understand, while it may seem like I'm judging Jack and Diane, I'm not. Most of what I say here, in terms of emotional immaturity due to unbalanced and unhealthy paradigms, is the voice of personal experience speaking. So I am not in any position to judge.

Since John Cougar Mellencamp is present in this story I considered making a joke about about in this marriage Jack would probably become a john and Diane a cougar if they didn't work it out...but I couldn't think of a funny inference to Mellencamp so I let it go. :)

[rgcraig]

Aww come on! Spill it! :tease

Lol....I'll just say this......

I use to not think an emotional affair was adultery - now I do.

I might be weird and wired differently than some people, but after finding out that my husband had a six year affair with someone what bothered me the most was that he was emotionally involved with this person for four years before it became physical.

Four years he had shared a part of himself with this person that he didn't with me honestly bothered me more than knowing that for the next two years he had wild, hotel sex with her.

It was harder to overcome. I guess the reason I think an emotional affair is adultery is because I felt replaced during that time.

What is adultery? Is it just having physcial contact with someone else other than your wife or is it sharing becoming one with someone else?

[A_PoMo]

What is adultery? Is it just having physcial contact with someone else other than your wife or is it sharing becoming one with someone?

That's the question. I suppose it's a theological question.


"Transparency" has been a buzzword in Christian circles for awhile now, but even so it's rare. Your post is one of those rare times. Thank you for telling us about your marriage.

I agree with you that emotional affairs are deeper and harder to recover from and to forgive than purely physical ones, especially for a woman. I wonder if for men it may be the other way around, I'm not sure.

I may have mentioned this before, but until recently I'd never even heard the term 'emotional affair'. In doing some reading for school and dealing with some of these issues in class it's become an area of real interest for me. I'd always viewed the emotional attachment as a phase toward the 'affair' which I understood from the Bible to be sexual. To delineate between the two is new to me and it's revealing to me how much deeper the emotional part is seemingly than the physical part. One of my profs said that most affairs are usually 10% bad sex and 90% good listening. Makes sense to me.

I don't want to push. But I am curious about your situation, if you're willing to share more. If not, that's cool. I'm respectful.

[rgcraig]

I agree with your professor.

What I see happening is the emotional affair starts out unrealistic at the get go. You have a "couple" that tells all the "problems" or "defecencies" of their marriages to each other. So, this person knows how or what bothers the other and not to do it.

You are on your best behavior when you are with this other person and you are sympathic to what they are dealing with (whether it's true of not), so of course they are going to appear better or at the least an escape from reality.

It's a fantasy.

I do believe also that an emotional affair DOES affect the woman more than it does a man. A woman has a hard time separating the nuturing part of them and feel they mean something to this person that has opened up to them.

My former spouse told me that he never had any intentions at all of ever marrying this other person, however he did think she was wanting him to marry her (she was married also).

[Rhoni]

Lol....I'll just say this......

I use to not think an emotional affair was adultery - now I do.

I might be weird and wired differently than some people, but after finding out that my husband had a six year affair with someone what bothered me the most was that he was emotionally involved with this person for four years before it became physical.

Four years he had shared a part of himself with this person that he didn't with me honestly bothered me more than knowing that for the next two years he had wild, hotel sex with her.

It was harder to overcome. I guess the reason I think an emotional affair is adultery is because I felt replaced during that time.

What is adultery? Is it just having physcial contact with someone else other than your wife or is it sharing becoming one with someone else?

I agree with your professor.

What I see happening is the emotional affair starts out unrealistic at the get go. You have a "couple" that tells all the "problems" or "defecencies" of their marriages to each other. So, this person knows how or what bothers the other and not to do it.

You are on your best behavior when you are with this other person and you are sympathic to what they are dealing with (whether it's true of not), so of course they are going to appear better or at the least an escape from reality.

It's a fantasy.

I do believe also that an emotional affair DOES affect the woman more than it does a man. A woman has a hard time separating the nuturing part of them and feel they mean something to this person that has opened up to them.

My former spouse told me that he never had any intentions at all of ever marrying this other person, however he did think she was wanting him to marry her (she was married also).

Renda,

This is so true. I knew a couple that had marital trouble for over a decade. The woman had a friend from out of state that she told all her marital problems to...right down to the intimate details of their every day life. After the marriage ultimately split apart - the friend that lived out of state knew just how to comfort this woman's husband and knew all about him from what she had been told through the years.

A little over a year later, this woman married her FORMER best friend's ex-husband. Come to find out they had been having an 'emotional affair' for years and that was one of the reasons he did not try to keep his marriage together. He was going to this other woman, telling her his hopes, dreams, and his goals. His wife could not stand a chance because he alienated her and was giving this other woman what he should have been sharing with his wife.

When it all came down, the woman lost her husband, and her best friend...that was a double loss...and it began with an emotional affair.

[rgcraig]

So you guys overcame?

No, I've been divorced four years now (after 24 yrs. of marriage).

He was waiting until our daughter turned 18 to leave the marriage, but I confronted him two years earlier than he was planning on.

He told me that he knew the first year of our marriage that he didn't love me like he should, but he made a commitment.

[Aquila]

No, I've been divorced four years now (after 24 yrs. of marriage).

He was waiting until our daughter turned 18 to leave the marriage, but I confronted him two years earlier than he was planning on.

He told me that he knew the first year of our marriage that he didn't love me like he should, but he made a commitment.

Sorry to hear that.

[rgcraig]

Sorry to hear that.

Thanks, but I'm good.

Not what I expected for my life, but I have been blessed.

[Aquila]

Is it possible for a husband and wife to be too open? For example, what if a wife actually tells her husband about a "work crush" or that she thinks "so and so" is a very funny and attractive man... because to her it's just an innocent "like"....but soon after it begins to worry her husband making him a jealous wreck? Is it possible to be too transparent with eachother?

[rgcraig]

Is it possible for a husband and wife to be too open? For example, what if a wife actually tells her husband about a "work crush" or that she thinks "so and so" is a very funny and attractive man... because to her it's just an innocent "like"....but soon after it begins to worry her husband making him a jealous wreck? Is it possible to be too transparent with eachother?

I'd think that would depend on the two people. Are they normally trusting? Are they normally jealous?

[Aquila]

I'd think that would depend on the two people. Are they normally trusting? Are they normally jealous?

Normally trusting without any issues.

I know this much, I agree that an emotional affair is far worse than a physical one. I'd much rather work through a one night stand, a moment of weakness, or even a spouse having interest in pornography than a deep emotional affair.

[rgcraig]

Normally trusting without any issues.

I know this much, I agree that an emotional affair is far worse than a physical one. I'd much rather work through a one night stand, a moment of weakness, or even a spouse having interest in pornography than a deep emotional affair.

I agree.

[MrsMcD]

But...what if she understands that, yet because of the jealous frame of mind was terrified that her husband would misinterpret something said and perhaps things would have been made worse?

This sounds like a mistrust issue to me. The wife shouldn't be texting something that could be misinterpreted by her husband in the first place. My husband is always welcome to read anything I text.

[Aquila]

This sounds like a mistrust issue to me. The wife shouldn't be texting something that could be misinterpreted by her husband in the first place. My husband is always welcome to read anything I text.

My thoughts exactly. A wife has no right talking about anything that can be misinterpreted. In addition, her husband should have full access to her communications. She was obviously hiding something.

[U376977]

Is a little jealousy a good thing? My wife and I have never had that problem. I can see some things that we practice that some may have a problem with.

1. She talks to our pastor for hours at a time--he became single and does not have anyone to tell his stuff to, so my wife is filling a void in his life. He thinks of her as a sister, they never meet alone, he does not come to our house without me being here--so there are boundries. But I have told them I would not care if they needed to meet to talk.
2. My best friend at church loves my wife as a sister. He has never made her feel uncomfortable but they talk alot. And I really don't care.

I can talk to any woman I want without thinking about, "is my wife watching" but of course it never goes any farther. Only one woman from the church calls my cell---I always just get her news or what she wants--and try to avoid the chit chat.
It seems like other couples are more jealous of each other.
Are we weird?

[A_PoMo]

My thoughts exactly. A wife has no right talking about anything that can be misinterpreted. In addition, her husband should have full access to her communications. She was obviously hiding something.

Whatever happened to "men are from mars, women are from venus"? stuff women says is usually misinterpreted by men, especially if men are in a narrow frame of mind.

Mistrust can be the result of a internal personal issue related to life before even meeting the spouse. Yes, the mistrust is an issue in the marriage, but the mistrust is not a result of the marriage. It can often times be part of the emotional baggage one or both of the people bring to the marriage. If that's the case, the texting isn't the problem, the emotional baggage is the proble, the mistrust is the symptom.

people are individuals and should be respected as such. there are some things that a person should be able to keep to themselves, and in some cases ought to not share with their spouse.

[Jack Shephard]

Is a little jealousy a good thing? My wife and I have never had that problem. I can see some things that we practice that some may have a problem with.

1. She talks to our pastor for hours at a time--he became single and does not have anyone to tell his stuff to, so my wife is filling a void in his life. He thinks of her as a sister, they never meet alone, he does not come to our house without me being here--so there are boundries. But I have told them I would not care if they needed to meet to talk.
2. My best friend at church loves my wife as a sister. He has never made her feel uncomfortable but they talk alot. And I really don't care.

I can talk to any woman I want without thinking about, "is my wife watching" but of course it never goes any farther. Only one woman from the church calls my cell---I always just get her news or what she wants--and try to avoid the chit chat.
It seems like other couples are more jealous of each other.
Are we weird?


totally!
:crazy
:tease

[Rhoni]

Is a little jealousy a good thing? My wife and I have never had that problem. I can see some things that we practice that some may have a problem with.

1. She talks to our pastor for hours at a time--he became single and does not have anyone to tell his stuff to, so my wife is filling a void in his life. He thinks of her as a sister, they never meet alone, he does not come to our house without me being here--so there are boundries. But I have told them I would not care if they needed to meet to talk.
2. My best friend at church loves my wife as a sister. He has never made her feel uncomfortable but they talk alot. And I really don't care.

I can talk to any woman I want without thinking about, "is my wife watching" but of course it never goes any farther. Only one woman from the church calls my cell---I always just get her news or what she wants--and try to avoid the chit chat.
It seems like other couples are more jealous of each other.
Are we weird?

Corintinas says that Love is NOT jealous! So no it is not a good thing.

SOLOMON tell us that jealousy is as cruel as the grave....

[Jack Shephard]

Whatever happened to "men are from mars, women are from venus"? stuff women says is usually misinterpreted by men, especially if men are in a narrow frame of mind.

Mistrust can be the result of a internal personal issue related to life before even meeting the spouse. Yes, the mistrust is an issue in the marriage, but the mistrust is not a result of the marriage. It can often times be part of the emotional baggage one or both of the people bring to the marriage. If that's the case, the texting isn't the problem, the emotional baggage is the proble, the mistrust is the symptom.

people are individuals and should be respected as such. there are some things that a person should be able to keep to themselves, and in some cases ought to not share with their spouse.

You I have seen it this way alot. Also it could be that the spouse that asked to see the phone has something to hide too. If that spouse demanded proof of fidelity or of infidelity via reading text messages it could be that the accuser has something to hide. Dane Cook the comedian has a stand up show called "Vicious Circle". He talks about cheating on your signifigant other. But the we the cheater actually become the jealous ones from time to time and think the committed partner is the cheater. The want to go shopping or something and we follow them thinking they are hooking up with someone when all they are doing is shopping. The real cheater become the one paranoid.

[mama bear]

Way back in this thread, I said it is adultery. How could it NOT be?
Their minds are as one!
Yes, I was jealous...had to repent...I knew I wasn't supposed to be, can't always control my emotions. Thank God - God knew how much I could take. It's been years, and I still have a hard time hearing her name!!

[Jack Shephard]

For anyone on here that remembers I started a thread about a family memeber that is in a Gay relationship. He was straight for years and has a kid even. Well I asked in that thread about help with their issue. They both realize that it is a sin and wanted to break it off. Well they have and things are looking better for them. Well their relationship started as being best friends most all their lives. Neither of them have ever been in a homosexual relationship before each other. It all started with the emotional attachement and eventually went into a physical one. The physical nature of the relationship was not a frequent event(s) their main issues was the connection emotionally. They are now broke up and living apart, last I heard. They rarely see one another or talk, but the toughest thing for them to break is the emotional attachment. They are both heart broken and love sick. This may seem gross to some here cause we are talking about two guys, but they have been bestfriends literally for a ton of years. So emotional attachments or affairs are by far the toughest to deal with and toughest to break!

[Aquila]

Man, there is so much good stuff in this thread! I just want to thank all participants for their contributions. Thanks, this is good stuff.

[A_PoMo]

Way back in this thread, I said it is adultery. How could it NOT be?
Their minds are as one!
Yes, I was jealous...had to repent...I knew I wasn't supposed to be, can't always control my emotions. Thank God - God knew how much I could take. It's been years, and I still have a hard time hearing her name!!

The question I posed was a theological one, is an emotional affair adultery as defined in the Bible?

It's kind of a Catch 22 because if you say "Yes" then it opens a Pandora's box of possiblities as to what can be construed as to what an emotional affair is or is not. Could Aquila's "Jack" have an emotional affair when he neglected his wife for his own personal emotional affirmation on internet church forums? Could a person have an emotional affair of sorts with their ministry or with their job or their business or their hobby? It's easy to say that it's not the same since the other thing is not a person, but aren't the dynamics the same and the result the same? If it walk like a duck...

But if you say "No" then it seems like you're being liberal when in fact your being conservative by sticking to a narrow defintion of adultery as defined in the Bible. As far as I know the Bible doesn't mention emotional affairs specifically, but it has alot to say about adultery as a physical affair. But in being conservative you run the risk of appearing to 'go soft' on emotional affairs which, as we know, 'going soft' on anything is anathema to most conservatives.

I think we can all agree that emotional affairs are real and they're bad and they're incredibly dangerous and damaging.

But I would hope too that we could also try to put ourselves in the shoes of those, like Jack and Diane, who meandered into the quagmire of emotional affairs seemingly by accident and who are still good people who screwed up. Part of the problem I think is that emotional affairs aren't talked about much, as I said I'd never heard of 'em until recently.

Part of the problem too is incomplete discipleship on the part of those involved who are operating from unbiblical expecations that led to what are sometimes unbiblical 'needs' that if goe unmet drive the person to find a source of affirmation they reallly don't need in the first place. In other cases people do have a genuine emotional need that is being unmet by their spouse and their sorrow makes them vulnerable to someone who is (even unwittingly) willing to meet that need. And then there are the true rats, the ones who are so self-absorbed and uncaring and who mess around as a matter of course and just don't seem to care.

But I hesistate to throw the majority of offenders into that narrow category and choose instead to try to be graceful and show mercy, without compromising on the sin, to those who fall prey to this trap.

[ILG]

No, I've been divorced four years now (after 24 yrs. of marriage).

He was waiting until our daughter turned 18 to leave the marriage, but I confronted him two years earlier than he was planning on.

He told me that he knew the first year of our marriage that he didn't love me like he should, but he made a commitment.

Ouch.

[ILG]

Is it possible for a husband and wife to be too open? For example, what if a wife actually tells her husband about a "work crush" or that she thinks "so and so" is a very funny and attractive man... because to her it's just an innocent "like"....but soon after it begins to worry her husband making him a jealous wreck? Is it possible to be too transparent with eachother?

Sure I think so. (I've been married 22 years. I know a little, I guess. I mean that seriously. :))

[prosper]

maybe you just need to find better literature?

[prosper]

Also, whenever you keep something hidden, it gives room to satan to work that thought or emotion whereas if you just confess it, you take away that possibility from the devil.

[rgcraig]

Bump for D. Richards

[dizzyde]

Not sure how I missed all this the first time around, but I am trying to figure out why A_PoMo used being a friend of mine as a reason to post this thread!!!! LOL!!!! Good Lord! :ursofunny :smack

[*AQuietPlace*]

Not sure how I missed all this the first time around, but I am trying to figure out why A_PoMo used being a friend of mine as a reason to post this thread!!!! LOL!!!! Good Lord! :ursofunny :smack
Something about being narcissistic. :D

[dizzyde]

Something about being narcissistic. :D

That's really not helping much... :foottap :smack :ursofunny

I'm thinking back and seems like I might have posted a thread about narcissism at one time, I can only hope that is what he is referring to! :ursofunny

I need to go find him on FB (since he doesn't seem to come around these parts anymore) and smack him upside the head!! LOL!!!