Divorce and Stress in Children

[SDG]

Divorce and Stress in Children

by Paul Faulkner


Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.

Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.

The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=Malachi+2%3A16)). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words. Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=1+John+3%3A18)CEV). We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!

Posted: 06/08/2007
URL: http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200706/20070608_divorcestress.html

_________________________________

This topic has been talked about in several threads this week and I thought perhaps we could talk about it ... I do have a vested interest, as some know already, and concerns.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Daniel, the scars last a long time. I am the victum of divorced parents. This happenned when I was 8. I was every other weekend with another parent and six weeks in the summer. When I was in church, it was then a battle that I could not attend church for six weeks in the summer.

"The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother!"

[SDG]

Daniel, the scars last a long time. I am the victum of divorced parents. This happenned when I was 8. I was every other weekend with another parent and six weeks in the summer. When I was in church, it was then a battle that I could not attend church for six weeks in the summer.

"The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother!"

BOOM, I ask for obvious reasons and if you choose not to answer it's okay ...

besides being shipped back and forth ... and the trauma that brings ...

What were some of your biggest concerns and questions growing up surrounding this situation?

[Ronzo]

I thank God we don't have kids involved in our family situation.

[QueenEsther]

The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother!"

Amen!!

My little brother has a daughter - he never married the wife which was not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion - you would understand if you knew her. However, he does his best to keep peace for the daughter's sake. If the mom and dad can't get along it makes the child's life miserable - they are usually the ones who suffers from it.

[Rico]

Daniel, the scars last a long time. I am the victum of divorced parents. This happenned when I was 8. I was every other weekend with another parent and six weeks in the summer. When I was in church, it was then a battle that I could not attend church for six weeks in the summer.

"The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother!"

At least you got to see yours. I didn't really get to see my dad much at all until I turned 13. That's when I moved in with him. It lasted all of 9 months. Some people have no business procreating. I've forgiven both my parents for the mockery they made out of marriage, but I definitely had some really rough years.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

BOOM, I ask for obvious reasons and if you choose not to answer it's okay ...

besides being shipped back and forth ... and the trauma that brings ...

What were some of your biggest concerns and questions growing up surrounding this situation?

Fear.

Fear that I would never see one parent or another. Losing my Maternal Grandfather the next year was a horrible blow as well. My Dad was an alcoholic and the year of the divorce he came over and passed out in the chair. For a long time I resisted Holidays as pagan when deep down I was fearful to face that memory again.

When Granddad died, it did cause my Dad to sober up with AA. That was good news/bad news for the Humanistic ideals he then fought with me over regarding faith.

[rgcraig]

My kids were older - 16 and 19 when we went through the divorce.

The main problem with it all was the inconsistency from their dad. He was very, very hard on raising them and made it very clear that many things were "wrong".

So, after the divorce all that went out the window and now dad believed it was alright not to go to church or even that having a relationship with God was needed and smoking, drinking, affairs and living with women was all okay.

Just a year earlier he taught the high school SS class and had taught a series on the 10 commandments - - the lesson on adultery he taught to his own son and friends while he was in an adulterous relationship.

So, the inconsistency totally blew them away.

[SDG]

My kids were older - 16 and 19 when we went through the divorce.

The main problem with it all was the inconsistency from their dad. He was very, very hard on raising them and made it very clear that many things were "wrong".

So, after the divorce all that went out the window and now dad believed it was alright not to go to church or even that having a relationship with God was needed and smoking, drinking, affairs and living with women was all okay.

Just a year earlier he taught the high school SS class and had taught a series on the 10 commandments - - the lesson on adultery he taught to his own son and friends while he was in an adulterous relationship.

So, the inconsistency totally blew them away.

Renda, What did you do to try to alleviate the stress in your children due to the breakup?... [and not just about dealing w/ his inconsistencies ]

[rgcraig]

Renda, What did you do to try to alleviate the stress in your children about the breakup?... and not just about dealing w/ the his inconsistencies ...

Love them, love them and love them some more.

I encouraged them to continue trying to have a relationship with him, I encouraged him to have a relationship with them. I was doing what I did throughout the marriage trying to fix things.

I learned to STOP trying to fix it - I couldn't fix it, it wasn't my job to fix it, so I told the kids and my ex I was out of the middle of it all. If there was going to be a relationship between them, they would have to work on it one on one.

I could do this because by the divorce they were 18 and 21 - - adults.

I think in ways it's harder for older kids because they do have their own opinions and a longer time to compare things with. Younger children can adapt quickly, but then they have the feeling of fear, rejection and that it somehow is their fault. Older kids don't have that as much.

[Chewy]

Thank God I have never known the scourge of divorce. The relationship I have with my parents and the examples they set for me and my sister are priceless to me now, even though they were pretty strict growing up.

[rgcraig]

Thank God I have never known the scourge of divorce. The relationship I have with my parents and the examples they set for me and my sister are priceless to me now, even though they were pretty strict growing up.

It was foreign to me also. I married for life.

[SDG]

It was foreign to me also. I married for life.

Ditto.

[SDG]

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

At least you got to see yours. I didn't really get to see my dad much at all until I turned 13. That's when I moved in with him. It lasted all of 9 months. Some people have no business procreating. I've forgiven both my parents for the mockery they made out of marriage, but I definitely had some really rough years.

Friend, are you bitter or better now?

It was a long time determining my anger at these events.

[RevDWW]

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

I was just going to advice you not to think that you can not instill some discipline in your children's life because of your situation. Show them you love them in every way you can, that includes setting boundaries and giving them guidelines to live by. Be as much a part of their life as you can possible be! And don't be afraid to spoil them like you would if you were not divorced! And DO NOT talk bad to them about their mother.

Love Yah!
RvDWW

PS. Reassure your kids that it was not their fault. Don't let them feel guilty for the divorce.

[Rico]

Friend, are you bitter or better now?

It was a long time determining my anger at these events.

Brother, I didn't get over their divorce until I was well into my late 20s. I finally got to that place that I could see my parents through adult eyes and realized these two people never should have married in the first place. I asked my dad once why he married my mom and his answer to me was that because there was a running bet in the church between the young men on who could actually get her to agree to marry. She was a very "cold fish" kind of girl and no one could get her to agree to go out. My dad won the bet. I also asked my mom why it was she married my dad and her response to me was because she wanted to get out from under my grandfather's thumb. I told them both that they should be ashamed of themselves because I married my wife for one reason and one reason only-BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH HER. Not to win some bet and not to get away from a controlling parent. They never should have married and my sister and I were the fallout from their mistake. Once I realized that they never should have married in the first place it was a lot easier to forgive them and give up my dreams and hopes of their ever reconciling.

Having experienced their divorce really helped me in being determined to not let it happen in my marriage. Yeah, my wife and I have had some rocky roads. Yeah, there have been times it seemed like we hated each other. But through it all one thing has kept us together and that is because we got married because we love each other. It's what put us together and what keeps us together and what carries us through those tough times when we want to kill each other, figuratively speaking of course.

As for my children, there is nothing in this world I would ever trade for them. NOTHING! They mean the world to me. Each one of them has promised me that when they grow up and become wealthy they are going to take Mom and Dad along for the ride! Woooo hooooo! With four of them in the running I am hopeful that at least one of them makes it big! :D Seriously, my children have all been a blessing. My son is tall and good looking, can play drums and basketball like nobody's business. My oldest daughter is winning award after award at school and was even recognized nationally this year over her performance at school. My middle daughter just loves her daddy to death and is always wanting to give me smoochies and hugs. My youngest daughter is cute as can be and really thinks she has her dad wrapped around her precious little finger. (She does, but I can't let her know that :D)

Overall, I am glad God decided to make sure I got to be a father and husband!

[rgcraig]

Renda, have you ever found yourself overcompensating in demonstrating love to them ... i.e. spoiling because of guilt?

Not really - they were already pretty blessed (or spoiled) lol!

I love the little things - - - waking up on their birthdays and balloons or a gift on their dresser - making their favorite foods - - filling up my daughter's gas tank when she comes from St. Louis. Did it before, still will do it.

It's easier because they are older - - now with you.....you'll have to watch not "letting them get by with things" because of you feeling guilty about the divorce. You can be their mom and their dad, but you need to make sure you don't move the boundaries for them regarding behaving, etc.

[LaGirl]

sometimes there is no way around a divorce...things happen. All you can do is stay in your kids life! NO MATTER WHAT...stay in their life. you have rights. hopefully the other spouse will work towards a "civil" relationship for the kids sake. try and keep things as "normal" as possible. Divorce has not touched my life, but MANY MANY friends of mine have gone through divorce in some form.

[BrotherEastman]

Divorce and Stress in Children

by Paul Faulkner


Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.

Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.

The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=Malachi+2%3A16)). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words. Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=1+John+3%3A18)CEV). We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!

Posted: 06/08/2007
URL: http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200706/20070608_divorcestress.html

_________________________________

This topic has been talked about in several threads this week and I thought perhaps we could talk about it ... I do have a vested interest, as some know already, and concerns.

Interesting thread. I am a product of divorce, i really did not get to know my father as much as I wanted to. My mom and step-dad were always moving, so I sure felt the isolation, and did not know what it was like to be stable while growing up. When I was in school, it was hard to make friends, and when I did, it was time to move again. I thought all this was a normal way to live, only to find out that this thinking was wrong. One of my worst fears sometimes is that something may fall apart in my marraige, don't get me wrong I love my wife more than any person in the world, its just that I've been told that statistics don't lie. Based upon these stats, it is said that "I" don't have a chance. I want to be the very best husband and father that God wants me to be. I guess the reason that I went ahead and got married was because, not only did I love my soon to be wife, but I wanted to give faith a chance. Maybe I shared too much, but I thought thats what this thread was about, sorry.

[BrotherEastman]

BTW Dan, what exactly do you mean by "demonstrative actions" in your first post?

[Rico]

Interesting thread. I am a product of divorce, i really did not get to know my father as much as I wanted to. My mom and step-dad were always moving, so I sure felt the isolation, and did not know what it was like to be stable while growing up. When I was in school, it was hard to make friends, and when I did, it was time to move again. I thought all this was a normal way to live, only to find out that this thinking was wrong. One of my worst fears sometimes is that something may fall apart in my marraige, don't get me wrong I love my wife more than any person in the world, its just that I've been told that statistics don't lie. Based upon these stats, it is said that "I" don't have a chance. I want to be the very best husband and father that God wants me to be. I guess the reason that I went ahead and got married was because, not only did I love my soon to be wife, but I wanted to give faith a chance. Maybe I shared too much, but I thought thats what this thread was about, sorry.

Brother, the statistics on divorce in this country are so misrepresented it isn't even funny. You constantly hear about over 1/2 the marriages failing. Well, that isn't true. It's half of all new marriages. I remember reading somewhere that 1/2 fail within the first two years. This does not mean half of all marriages in this country fail because the stats don't take into account all of the existing marriages.

[tamor]

Brother, the statistics on divorce in this country are so misrepresented it isn't even funny. You constantly hear about over 1/2 the marriages failing. Well, that isn't true. It's half of all new marriages. I remember reading somewhere that 1/2 fail within the first two years. This does not mean half of all marriages in this country fail because the stats don't take into account all of the existing marriages.

You are exactly right Rico. We used to have DivorceCare at our church. I can't remember the exact statistics, but with every marriage the stats of divorce rise sharply.

[rgcraig]

Brother, the statistics on divorce in this country are so misrepresented it isn't even funny. You constantly hear about over 1/2 the marriages failing. Well, that isn't true. It's half of all new marriages. I remember reading somewhere that 1/2 fail within the first two years. This does not mean half of all marriages in this country fail because the stats don't take into account all of the existing marriages.

I think what you meant to say is first time marriages - not "new" marriages.

New marriages could be a second, third or fourth marriage - just new.

So, divorce isn't 50% of all first times marriages - - divorce is 50% of all marriages- - make sense?

[SDG]

BTW Dan, what exactly do you mean by "demonstrative actions" in your first post?

The first part of my post was from an article ... I've listed the url. I'd imagine the author is saying that we often say we love someone but actions speak louder than words .... Any thoughts ... Easty.... on demonstrations of love???

[Trouvere]

I know of a really nice young man who has made an excellent father.His parents separated and divorced when he was four years old.He and his mom moved in with his grandparents and his grandpa became the man in his life.He loves his dad but realizes that the life he has is better because his dad was not involved.
He is no victim.He is blessed.The life of living with a drug addict and alcoholic father can destroy a person.Thank God for the mothers or fathers who have sense enough to raise their children away from such an enviroment.
The truth is you cannot change someone.If they refuse to change the damage they will do to the children who are subjected to their lifestyle is horrible.
I applaud anyone who stepped out in faith away from such a scene for their
children.You are to be commended.Its not easy to raise children alone but when
its for their best interest its the right thing to do.

[BrotherEastman]

The first part of my post was from an article ... I've listed the url. I'd imagine the author is saying that we often say we love someone but actions speak louder than words .... Any thoughts ... Easty.... on demonstrations of love???
Well, here are some thoughts. Buy her some flowers when she least expects it. Take her out to dinner on a suprise date. Give her a massage and rub her feet. Do some of the chores that she would normally do. The little foxes that spoil the vine, I see what you were saying now.

[Rico]

Well, here are some thoughts. Buy her some flowers when she least expects it. Take her out to dinner on a suprise date. Give her a massage and rub her feet. Do some of the chores that she would normally do. The little foxes that spoil the vine, I see what you were saying now.


I show Sis Honey Smooches how much I love her by letting her cook me up some good food! (And wash my clothes, and clean up after me) :D

[GodsBabyGirl]

I know of a really nice young man who has made an excellent father.His parents separated and divorced when he was four years old.He and his mom moved in with his grandparents and his grandpa became the man in his life.He loves his dad but realizes that the life he has is better because his dad was not involved.
He is no victim.He is blessed.The life of living with a drug addict and alcoholic father can destroy a person.Thank God for the mothers or fathers who have sense enough to raise their children away from such an enviroment.
The truth is you cannot change someone.If they refuse to change the damage they will do to the children who are subjected to their lifestyle is horrible.
I applaud anyone who stepped out in faith away from such a scene for their
children.You are to be commended.Its not easy to raise children alone but when
its for their best interest its the right thing to do.

Amen and amen!

[GodsBabyGirl]

I believe that is why we have so many dysfunctional people around today. The generation before us stayed together, no matter what.

Daddy could be sleeping with the daughter. Or son.

Or mama could have.

Drugs or alcohol could have been involved.

I believe it is more stressful to try and cover up stuff and put on this show that everything is a-okay when it is not.

And domestic violence? You know back in the day, men beat up their women like it was nothing.

What does the scripture say...'If the unbelieving departs, let him. God has called us to peace...'

[Trouvere]

I believe that is why we have so many dysfunctional people around today. The generation before us stayed together, no matter what.

Daddy could be sleeping with the daughter. Or son.

Or mama could have.

Drugs or alcohol could have been involved.

I believe it is more stressful to try and cover up stuff and put on this show that everything is a-okay when it is not.

And domestic violence? You know back in the day, men beat up their women like it was nothing.

What does the scripture say...'If the unbelieving departs, let him. God has called us to peace...'


Sis.Wenona,
I did my Domestic Violence Update CEU today and I can promise they beat them up maybe even more.Its sad.I was surprised by the percentage of domestic violence cases among the military wives.In 2002 I believe was the year there were four women reported dead at Ft.Bragg due to domestic violence.

[HeavenlyOne]

Having been a single parent longer than a married one, I have to say that my children are better off today without their father figures around. They were lousy. And I chose them. Shame on me.

I do wish my son had someone to follow after though. He needs a man in his life and it's apparent to those who know him. I'm both mother and father, but I'm not a man.

[berkeley]

Having been a single parent longer than a married one, I have to say that my children are better off today without their father figures around. They were lousy. And I chose them. Shame on me.

I do wish my son had someone to follow after though. He needs a man in his life and it's apparent to those who know him. I'm both mother and father, but I'm not a man.
There is no one at the church???

[HeavenlyOne]

There is no one at the church???

Small church, but even still, people have their own families to tend to. To be honest, nobody, especially men, really think about taking someone else's child under their wing.

I'm not the only one who is a single parent in my church, but I'm the only one who doesn't have the other parent in their child's life.

[berkeley]

Small church, but even still, people have their own families to tend to. To be honest, nobody, especially men, really think about taking someone else's child under their wing.

I'm not the only one who is a single parent in my church, but I'm the only one who doesn't have the other parent in their child's life.

I'm sorry for your situation. It wasn't real easy going to church without parents, and then living in a single parent home. Most went to church with their parents. I can think of one whose parents were not in church,but his aunt and cousins were. Another, he went alone, but he was with the in crowd.
Me, well, I didn't fit in with the youth. Two guys went out of their way to make me feel welcome, but they backslid soon after.

[Trouvere]

A Big Brothers Ministry would be a great one for that situation.Camping
and fishing with the guys from church would be another great thing.
I would have to ask my pastor if it were me.Mine had been divorced and
had a son from his first marriage so he knew what all the single parents faced.
Sadly people are so caught up in life they don't realize that this need is not
being met.Just the mention of it might spark some good results.

[berkeley]

A Big Brothers Ministry would be a great one for that situation.Camping
and fishing with the guys from church would be another great thing.
I would have to ask my pastor if it were me.Mine had been divorced and
had a son from his first marriage so he knew what all the single parents faced.
Sadly people are so caught up in life they don't realize that this need is not
being met.Just the mention of it might spark some good results.

Many people don't want to go out of their way to help someone. They don't want to be inconvenienced.

[Trouvere]

Many people don't want to go out of their way to help someone. They don't want to be inconvenienced.

I have seen it over the years.I agree.There are some though who don't mind.
There is an organization in Lafayette,La called Big Brothers of Acadiana.
They do this.Most of them are professionals.I have a friend who had her son
in this program because she is a single mother(her husband a former pastor)
and it made a big difference in their lives.

[Rhoni]

Daniel, Until the children are married or out of the home and child support stops...it is pure hades on everyone...especially the children. If you think it is over then...WRONG...it is just beginning for the grandchildren. Divorce sucks...it never ends. Best advice I have for you...pay your child support and never pick up the phone or answer the mail.

Blessings, Rhoni

[rgcraig]

Daniel, Until the children are married or out of the home and child support stops...it is pure hades on everyone...especially the children. If you think it is over then...WRONG...it is just beginning for the grandchildren. Divorce sucks...it never ends. Best advice I have for you...pay your child support and never pick up the phone or answer the mail.

Blessings, Rhoni

He has the kids.

[HeavenlyOne]

I'm sorry for your situation. It wasn't real easy going to church without parents, and then living in a single parent home. Most went to church with their parents. I can think of one whose parents were not in church,but his aunt and cousins were. Another, he went alone, but he was with the in crowd.
Me, well, I didn't fit in with the youth. Two guys went out of their way to make me feel welcome, but they backslid soon after.

Thanks, Berk.

I know it's rough on kids who's parents don't attend church either.

I help out with the youth, and there are some girls who call me 'mom' and the pastor's son just the other night said I'm one of his mom's....LOL!

I'm honored, because I never saw myself in that capacity with other kids, but I don't want those kids to end up like I did, and I'm doing my best to make sure it doesn't happen.

[LaGirl]

Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it's not going to change on them.

With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, so be sure to give it to them. They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they're still an integral part of what's going on.

Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. They're worried about you and about your partner, especially if there's an apparent crisis. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.

Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in ciris. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.

There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

[Rhoni]

Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it's not going to change on them.

With the loss of a family leader from the home, children will check and test for structure, so be sure to give it to them. They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they're still an integral part of what's going on.

Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. They're worried about you and about your partner, especially if there's an apparent crisis. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.

Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in ciris. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.

There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

While this is good advice and true...it is not reality. Children are more often than not put in the middle and are the brunt of conversations/documents/ and legal proceedings that they should NEVER be involved in.

Children should not be asked to choose, children should not be used to get even with the other spouse, children should have the right to be children, and participate in extra-curricular activites regardless of who's weekend it is.

Divorce sucks and very few people are Godly enough to do the right thing by the children.

Blessings, Rhoni

[LaGirl]

i think it is very much reality......what i was saying is try your best to NEVER burden the kids with adult things.

[tamor]

While this is good advice and true...it is not reality. Children are more often than not put in the middle and are the brunt of conversations/documents/ and legal proceedings that they should NEVER be involved in.

Children should not be asked to choose, children should not be used to get even with the other spouse, children should have the right to be children, and participate in extra-curricular activites regardless of who's weekend it is.

Divorce sucks and very few people are Godly enough to do the right thing by the children.

Blessings, Rhoni


Amen! You said a mouthful in this post, Rhoni!!

:rooting:rooting:rooting

[WordPreacher]

Divorce and Stress in Children

by Paul Faulkner


Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.

Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.

The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=Malachi+2%3A16)). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words. Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 (http://www.searchgodsword.org/desk/?sr=1&t=erv&query=1+John+3%3A18)CEV). We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!

Posted: 06/08/2007
URL: http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200706/20070608_divorcestress.html

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This topic has been talked about in several threads this week and I thought perhaps we could talk about it ... I do have a vested interest, as some know already, and concerns.



My parents divorced when I was young and my mom was married four times, so I ask the Lord to pick my wife for me, because you have a better chance of not getting divorced by God picking your spouse.

[Rhoni]

My parents divorced when I was young and my mom was married four times, so I ask the Lord to pick my wife for me, because you have a better chance of not getting divorced by God picking your spouse.

The question is: How does God do this? He trusts you to learn from your elders, be taught by your church leadership, and learn from studying Godly/healthy relationships.

God gives you his spirit and when the person you are attracted to loves God like you love God, shows fruits of the spirt, is not led by lust of the flesh, lust of the eye, or pride of life, and you respect and admire her...good chances are...

Truth is: God doesn't wish on you someone you think is unattractive but he gives you sensitivity to the spirit, and when you live in the spirit you are better equipped to make a good decision for your life partner for yourself.

God doesn't have a couples list with your mate on it...he does though, see the future and knows the choices you will make.

Blessings, Rhoni

[rgcraig]

I talked to my son about this thread this morning and asked him what his biggest problem with the divorce was. He said it was his dad lying and not owning up to anything that bothered him the most.

Best advice if you have to go through it is - - never lie about anything. If the kids asks question, use discretion, but don't lie. They are smart and know when you are lying (even younger children) and you are only kidding yourself if you think older kids don't know the truth.

[Theresa]

I didnt read this whole thread but I have to say, staying in an unhappy environment full of chaos and anger - isnt healthy for children either. you CAN be divorced and children come out ok...staying together for the children, in certian situations - is for the birds

sometimes you have to leave for the sake of the children.

[Rhoni]

I talked to my son about this thread this morning and asked him what his biggest problem with the divorce was. He said it was his dad lying and not owning up to anything that bothered him the most.

Best advice if you have to go through it is - - never lie about anything. If the kids asks question, use discretion, but don't lie. They are smart and know when you are lying (even younger children) and you are only kidding yourself if you think older kids don't know the truth.


My son's biggest concern was: If you really were in love, how could you not be in love today? I think he waited longer to marry because this really troubled him.

I don't know what my daughter would say...she doesn't say much about it...never has.

[WordPreacher]

The question is: How does God do this? He trusts you to learn from your elders, be taught by your church leadership, and learn from studying Godly/healthy relationships.

I didn't learn this from elders and I never sought their approval, because they are just men that can tell you the wrong thing. That's why I sought God on my own and had Him to pick my wife. It took years, but I know that my marriage and wife is God's will for me.

God gives you his spirit and when the person you are attracted to loves God like you love God, shows fruits of the spirt, is not led by lust of the flesh, lust of the eye, or pride of life, and you respect and admire her...good chances are...

My story is much different and I can not tell it on here, because my wife would kill me, but it is something that God did, not me and not her. We just obeyed.

Truth is: God doesn't wish on you someone you think is unattractive but he gives you sensitivity to the spirit, and when you live in the spirit you are better equipped to make a good decision for your life partner for yourself.

If Apostolics allow God to pick their mates, then God would pick the best mate for them. Humans never pick the best mate for themselves, but they pick what they see that they like, which isn't the best way to pick a mate.

God doesn't have a couples list with your mate on it...he does though, see the future and knows the choices you will make.

Blessings, Rhoni


Like I said, I didn't choose my mate, but He did choose my mate for me. That's why I know my wife is God's will for me. I would not trust a human in something like that, especially myself.

[rgcraig]

My son's biggest concern was: If you really were in love, how could you not be in love today? I think he waited longer to marry because this really troubled him.

I don't know what my daughter would say...she doesn't say much about it...never has.

How did you answer this?

[Rhoni]

I didn't learn this from elders and I never sought their approval, because they are just men that can tell you the wrong thing. That's why I sought God on my own and had Him to pick my wife. It took years, but I know that my marriage and wife is God's will for me.



My story is much different and I can not tell it on here, because my wife would kill me, but it is something that God did, not me and not her. We just obeyed.



If Apostolics allow God to pick their mates, then God would pick the best mate for them. Humans never pick the best mate for themselves, but they pick what they see that they like, which isn't the best way to pick a mate.




Like I said, I didn't choose my mate, but He did choose my mate for me. That's why I know my wife is God's will for me. I would not trust a human in something like that, especially myself.

WordPreacher,

I started another thread for this because I didn't want to highjack this thread...can you tell me how you knew it was God...on the other thread please?

Blessings, Rhoni

[WordPreacher]

I talked to my son about this thread this morning and asked him what his biggest problem with the divorce was. He said it was his dad lying and not owning up to anything that bothered him the most.

Best advice if you have to go through it is - - never lie about anything. If the kids asks question, use discretion, but don't lie. They are smart and know when you are lying (even younger children) and you are only kidding yourself if you think older kids don't know the truth.

Amen on that!!! My mom lied to me a lot and I knew it was lies. That is why it took me about 27 years to start trusting people, because people will lie to you about anything, including Apostolics.

[Rhoni]

How did you answer this?

I believe you always love them but in a different way. There are a lot of things that love doesn't cover. This is why good pre-marital counseling is a must. Couples need to understand what separates people in a marriage union, i.e., financial trouble, differences in parenting methods, family of origin issues, being unequally yoked in religious practice, education, interests, lack of bonding, lack of loyalty, infidelity, and life's situations can either draw you closer together or further apart.

You choose: You can either forgive and work together at keeping your vows, or you can choose to hold grudges, work against each other, and choose to break the marriage vows and move on to another.

The Choice is made for you: love lasts for a lifetime if two people choose to stay in love, do things that show/express love even when the feeling isn't there...until the feeling returns...and it will. It takes commitment on both individual's parts...if not you are faced with a choice that is made for you.

[rgcraig]

I answered in laymen's terms - - two people can start their marriage in love, but love doesn't grow by itself - - it takes work, committment and both working at it.

If one partner decides they made a mistake and doesn't work at making the marriage a deeper, loving relationship, then the love can die.

[Rhoni]

I answered in laymen's terms - - two people can start their marriage in love, but love doesn't grow by itself - - it takes work, committment and both working at it.

If one partner decides they made a mistake and doesn't work at making the marriage a deeper, loving relationship, then the love can die.

:sshhh What I said in a nutshell...I tend to be wordy!

Blessings, Rhoni

[LaGirl]

I didnt read this whole thread but I have to say, staying in an unhappy environment full of chaos and anger - isnt healthy for children either. you CAN be divorced and children come out ok...staying together for the children, in certian situations - is for the birds

sometimes you have to leave for the sake of the children.


you are sooo right

[berkeley]

And this is what happens when you heap your problems onto your children..

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