Triple E's LOL Zone

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

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[BoredOutOfMyMind]

The trouble with having an open mind is that people keep coming along sticking things into it.

[MrsBOOMM]

This really happened in Sunday School yesterday. We were having a lesson on having "A Clean Heart" The one teaching the object lesson had gone to the butcher shop and purchased a real calves' heart. She took it home and froze it. She brought it for the lesson and passed it around so they could get an idea of what a real cold heart felt like. One of the girls about 8 yrs old looked at it and felt it. Her eyes got real big and she said, "What did you have to do, kill somebody"? It was all the teacher could do not to laugh. We got a real good chuckle afterwards.

[Sister Truth Seeker]

This really happened in Sunday School yesterday. We were having a lesson on having "A Clean Heart" The one teaching the object lesson had gone to the butcher shop and purchased a real calves' heart. She took it home and froze it. She brought it for the lesson and passed it around so they could get an idea of what a real cold heart felt like. One of the girls about 8 yrs old looked at it and felt it. Her eyes got real big and she said, "What did you have to do, kill somebody"? It was all the teacher could do not to laugh. We got a real good chuckle afterwards.
:heeheehee

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[COOPER]

RED NECK FRIDGE!
http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w235/6dodge9/pic05537.jpg?t=1171405155

[Trouvere]

Cooper you need to repent and clean off the lawn man!

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine
card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's
Day?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What did the bat say to his Valentine?
"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine?
"I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of
love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
She didn't suit his taste!

[mizpeh]

Jesus said, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And his disciples answered and said, "Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets."

And Jesus answered and said, "But whom do you say that I am?"

Peter answered and said, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple."

And Jesus answering, said, "What?"

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that
she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission,
watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.

At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want
to be when I grow up!"

The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades.

She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued,
"I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

[OneAccord]

... A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[RevDWW]

A Somali arrives
in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United
States.

He stops the first person he
sees walking down the street and says.....

Thank you Mr. American for
letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care
and free education!"

The passer-by says....

"You are
mistaken, I am Mexican"

The man goes on and encounters another
passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!"

The person says....
"I no American, I Vietnamese

The new arrival walks further, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the
wonderful America!"

That person puts up
his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am
Not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an
American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

Puzzled he asks
her......

"Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks
her watch and says....

"Probably at work!"

[Ron]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor
picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the
board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove
that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of
the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished
in one minute got an A.

The rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when
he had barely written anything at all.

This is what he wrote:

"What chair?"

[Sister Truth Seeker]

A Somali arrives
in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United
States.

He stops the first person he
sees walking down the street and says.....

Thank you Mr. American for
letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care
and free education!"

The passer-by says....

"You are
mistaken, I am Mexican"

The man goes on and encounters another
passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!"

The person says....
"I no American, I Vietnamese

The new arrival walks further, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the
wonderful America!"

That person puts up
his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am
Not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an
American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

Puzzled he asks
her......

"Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks
her watch and says....

"Probably at work!":groan I really like this kind of joke!

[Sister Truth Seeker]

The early bird gets the worm...
But the second mouse gets the cheese!

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[Sister Truth Seeker]

This is what watching too much TV will do to you.....

Mummified body found in front of blaring TV
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.
The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said Saturday his body was discovered Thursday when they were called to the house over a burst water pipe.
"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.
Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.
Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[LadyChocolate]

This is what watching too much TV will do to you.....

Mummified body found in front of blaring TV
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.
The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said Saturday his body was discovered Thursday when they were called to the house over a burst water pipe.
"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.
Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.
Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.

oh! that is too weird!

[rgcraig]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.



The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.



"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes
along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone
else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too
bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while
yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her
step.

[rgcraig]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ..)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The
teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[Esther]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat
one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying dow n as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[Digging4Truth]

I have to leave now to head out of state.

I will leave you with this.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK .

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
And 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You
must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that
could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

:killinme :killinme :killinme :killinme :killinme

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Make Sure the Other Person Understands What You Are Saying

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him

what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address,

medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he

had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a

complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba

said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure

test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes

and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in

the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor

asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em

[Sister Truth Seeker]

Make Sure the Other Person Understands What You Are Saying

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him

what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address,

medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he

had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a

complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba

said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure

test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes

and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in

the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor

asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em:killinme

[Sister Truth Seeker]

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[TRIPLE E]

They say just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down,so this thread will be for the lighter side of AFF.When you get tired of all the Newsflashes and Bashing (one way or the other) come here read a joke from TE's collection or add one yourself.They say "laughter is the one of the best medicine's"

Here is today's laugh:

One woman related that at a family gathering, some of the husbands began teasing their wives about how the women always seemed to get their way in their marriages.
Responding to the teasing, one woman said: "Honey, when I get my way, that’s a compromise."
Smiling he asked: "What is it when I get my way?"
She smiled back and replied, "That’s called a miracle!"

[TRIPLE E]

Here's one we all can relate to:
A 4-year-old boy was traveling with his mother & constantly asking the same question over & over again? "When are we going to get there? When are we going to get there?" Finally, the mother got so irritated that she said, "We still have 90 more miles to go. So don’t ask me again when we’re going to get there." Well, the boy was silent for a long time. Then he timidly asked, "Mom, will I still be four when we get there?"

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I was
surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one
old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but
we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at
it."

[hammondb3klingon1]

Story told to me

As a retired person, I often have little to do. SOO, the other day I was downtown in the one of the stores. When I walked out, a policeman was standing there writing a ticket. I walked up to him and Said "Ah come on man give a retired guy a break". He just ignored me an kept writing. SO, I called him a "Nazi!!". He proceeded to writed a second ticket. I called him "Gastapo!!!" . He finished the second and started to write a third for bald tires. "Jerk" I called him. He proceeded to write a fourth for a broken windshield. Now I go to town on the bus. This guy was writing tickets to a car that had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in 08". I love being a republican!@! :)

[Sam]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife and I joined the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[TRIPLE E]

Here's some food for thought!
If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

Why Go To Church?

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this.. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

[Digging4Truth]

Only in America....

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Only in America......

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .

do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

Only in America......

do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America .

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[MrsBOOMM]

SIGNS THAT YOUR BAPTISM IS NOT GOING LIKE IT SHOULD

8. The Coast Guard becomes involved.
7. The service is held at 'Splash Mountain Water Park.'
6. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.
5. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.
4. The preacher uses plastic animated Billy the Bass singing 'Take Me To The River' instead of the traditional 'Shall We Gather At The River'.
3. You keep hearing the pastor say, 'Oops. Honestly, sister I didn't know about that drop-off.'
2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer.

[Sister Truth Seeker]

http://a.sc.msn.com/5G/2O[5I+HC6G4B[0Q@,[JRD~.gif

[HeavenlyOne]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just
outside of Washington , Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his
window and asks, "What happened?" "What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have take over the offices of Congress. They've mkidnapped
Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson Jr., Al Sharpton, Harry
Reid,
Barak Obama, Dick Durbin, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and John Kerry.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are
going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are
going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

[TRIPLE E]

SIGNS THAT YOUR BAPTISM IS NOT GOING LIKE IT SHOULD

8. The Coast Guard becomes involved.
7. The service is held at 'Splash Mountain Water Park.'
6. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.
5. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.
4. The preacher uses plastic animated Billy the Bass singing 'Take Me To The River' instead of the traditional 'Shall We Gather At The River'.
3. You keep hearing the pastor say, 'Oops. Honestly, sister I didn't know about that drop-off.'
2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.
1. Two words: Alka Seltzer.

Really liked # 5!

[TRIPLE E]

Here's a serious Thought for today:

There was a preacher who was interviewing with a church search committee. An English teacher headed the committee, and was very concerned that the future pastor spoke properly. "When the hen is on the nest, does she sit or set?" he asked the candidate. The hopeful preacher was frustrated. He didn’t know what to say, and his career was on the line. Finally he replied, "It really doesn’t matter if she’s sitting or setting. What I want to know is this: when she cackles is she laying or lying?"

[MrsBOOMM]

Finding on of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and innocently replied, 'Well, Ms Smith you can't say you weren't warned.'

[MrsBOOMM]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, ''Why are you arguing?' One boy answered, 'We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie'. 'You should be ashamed of yourselves,' said the teacher. 'When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was.' The boys gave the ten dollar bill to the teacher.

[MrsBOOMM]

Just one more....
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to bits. Unhurt, he climbed down from the cab and looked around. In minutes, a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men from the crew each picked up a broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy white substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Amazing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

[TRIPLE E]

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

:lol

[rgcraig]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[TRIPLE E]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Good jokes on the Eve of saint patrick's!:grampa

[Malvaro]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Esther]

LOST IN THE ODDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her
cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Warmbee]

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.


P.S I just remembered.
I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

[TRIPLE E]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the
road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for
you, one for me, one for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid
on the bike.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Thanks for picking up on the slack in the Humor Section TripleE

[TRIPLE E]

Thanks for picking up on the slack in the Humor Section TripleE

No problemo!:happydance

[TRIPLE E]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event
that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his
essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"Oh, my!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[TRIPLE E]

An old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died.
This is what she put on his tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.

Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man.
After thinking at some length about it, she went to the monument maker and
had him add this to the tombstone:

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE HAS GONE OUT.
P.S. I Found A Match.

[TRIPLE E]

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them
in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you
help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back he felt relief for the first
time in years.

The second guy, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if
Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and
tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see
everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third man, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don’t touch me!"
he cried, "I’m on a disability pension."

[Timmy]

The preacher said, "All the men who are the boss in your family, raise your hands!" My wife told me to raise me hand, so I did!

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Stolen from another Tech Forum.

Some people just seem to have the wrong job. At my local grocery store, one of the casheires does not like me for some reason. Every time I get in her line, she uses her anti-counterfit money detecting pen on my cash. Sure, the others usually use it if I use a $100 bill, but they are cool about it. This one checks the five dollar bills, and looks at me like I am guilty while she does it.

Now I have never had a bill turn up bad at any store, and I know they are required to check them, but she just has an unusual attitude. Maybe her application to the Secret Service was denied, who knows.

So, I got one of those pens. You can get them at the local office supply store. So today, I got in her line. And she gave me a mean look and used her pen on my money, it was ok, and when she gave me my change, I laid it on the counter, looked at her, and whipped out my pen! Checked each bill, then put my change in my wallet, told her 'everything looks ok', and to 'have a nice day.'

The folks in line behind me found it amusing, but she did not. Oh well, the look on her face was worth it.

Have a good day! I did.

:ursofunny

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when
many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do
anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or
water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that
should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children
and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back
on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to
any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said
during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing
prayer.

[TRIPLE E]

Out West, a cowboy was driving down a dirt road, his dog riding in back of the pickup truck, his faithful horse in the trailer behind. He failed to negotiate a curve and had a terrible accident.
Sometime later, a highway patrol officer came on the scene. An animal lover, he saw the horse first. Realizing the serious nature of its injuries, he drew his service revolver and put the animal out of his misery. He walked around the accident and found the dog, also hurt critically. He couldn’t bear to hear it whine in pain, so he ended the dog’s suffering as well.
Finally he located the cowboy --who suffered multiple fractures--off in the weeds. "Hey, are you okay?" the cop asked. The cowboy took one look at the smoking revolver in the trooper’s hand and quickly replied, "Never felt better!"

[TRIPLE E]

A monk joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. After the first 10 years his superior called him in and asked, "Do you have anything to say?" The monk replied, "Food bad." After another 10 years the monk again had opportunity to voice his thoughts. He said, "Bed hard." Another 10 years went by and again he was called in before his superior. When asked if he had anything to say, he responded, "I quit." "It doesn’t surprise me a bit. You’ve done nothing but complain ever since you got here."

[TRIPLE E]

An older couple died in an auto accident and taken to Heaven. As they began to look all around at their setting for eternity. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there.
The husband sneered, "If it weren’t for you and your oat bran muffins & health food , we’d have been here 15 years ago."

[TRIPLE E]

A story is told of a man who loved old books. He met an acquaintance who had just thrown away a Bible that had been stored in the attic of his ancestral home for generations. "I couldn’t read it," the friend explained. "Somebody named Guten-something had printed it." "Not Gutenberg!" the book lover exclaimed in horror. "That Bible was one of the first books ever printed. Why, a copy just sold for over two million dollars!" His friend was unimpressed. "Mine wouldn’t have brought a dollar. Some fellow named Martin Luther had scribbled all over it in German."

[TRIPLE E]

Eve was nigh Adam;Adam was naive.

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

You remember Eve,the first woman who ever said "I haven't got a thing to wear" and meant it.

A Sunday school teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
"Hoss" said Willie.
"wrong" said the teacher."It was Adam"
"Ah shucks!" Willie replied."I knew it was one of those Cartwrights"

[TRIPLE E]

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to draw a picture illustrating a Bible story.One paper handed in contained a picture of a big car.An old man ,with long whiskers flying in the breeze,was driving.A man and a woman were seated in the back of the car.Puzzled ,the teacher asked little Johnnie to explain his drawing."Why that is God.He is driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden."

[TRIPLE E]

A woman who is always up in the air and harping on something is not necessarily an angel.

[AmazingGrace]

A woman who is always up in the air and harping on something is not necessarily an angel.

:ignore

[TRIPLE E]

:ignore

How did I know this one would get a reaction! lol:hanky

[TRIPLE E]

As John said after his dream "Armageddon out of here!"

[TRIPLE E]

Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:In the big inning ,Eve stole first,Adam stole second,Gideon rattled the pitchers-Goliath was put out by David-and the Prodigal Son made a home run.

[TRIPLE E]

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from ! his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It’s the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!"

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

50th Wedding Anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the
reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After
all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my
husband's spelling."

[Mercedcameraman]

Repent you jokester. Just kidding I must say those are good ones

[Cindy]

Clean "Goony Bird" Joke

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

[Michael Phelps]

Clean "Goony Bird" Joke

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Just wanted to get into the old thread resurrecting game! :)

[Cindy]

Just wanted to get into the old thread resurrecting game! :)

Well, stop it!! :heeheehee

[Michael Phelps]

Well, stop it!! :heeheehee

You're not the boss of me!:smack

[Cindy]

You're not the boss of me!:smack

:club