Re: Backslid husband
 

Falla,

I know you really believe the things you say, and you believe that the way you were raised is the best and possibly only right way to live. I know you don't believe leaving the church is the answer.

On the flip side to your statement that it is natural for someone who left the church to blame the church, you are leaving out other possibilities. I find it to be a consistent and fatal flaw amongst OP's to ALWAYS blame the person who left and NEVER blame the church. This happens when the pastor makes simple mistakes such as not communicating and ministering to the congregation and playing favorites all the way to pastors who commit adultery and steal and anything in between. I have seen saints defend pastors through outrageous circumstances when the saints had to absolutely close their eyes to mild to extreme mistakes and/or outright sin.

The pastor in this situation is probably making some mistakes because humans do that. The husband apparently thinks the mistakes are large enough to be concerned with and the wife does not. This is what seems to be at the root of the conflict. If the husband sees the wife dismissing his concerns, he feels disrespected. Finally, he may feel she is just not listening and so he leaves the church and does what he wants and then she gets upset.

Since no one here really knows the situation, it is up to the wife in this situation, the one who asked the question to get very honest with herself and ask herself if she always chooses the church over her husband. If she always asks herself "What would the church say?" instead of "What does my husband think?" she is causing harm to her marriage.

You see your way as the "safe" way but, in reality, it can be just as dangerous as getting drunk and whatever the husband is doing and possibly moreso because it is so deceptive because it masquerades as righteousness.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Falla,

Sometimes I think your parents are your God.

Re: Backslid husband
 

bcriswell86, you have had some excellent advise given to you on this thread. But we couldn't possibly know how to really answer you, since we surely don't know all the facts.

One thing that I noticed, and was kind of a red flag to me.....your husband came from a church where his uncle was pastor, and is now in a church where your uncle is pastor? Could it be a family thing? Are the pastors friends? I know this sounds silly, but silly things do happen in churches! Just wondering if, someway, this could maybe be an underlying problem for your husband and his marriage. Praying for you and yours...

Re: Backslid husband
 

:thumbsup

Re: Backslid husband
 

I have avoided this thread because I knew it would just make me sad. And I've read some well-intentioned, yet horrific advice. Goodness. I'll just say, thank God ILG is talking.

The only scripture that really deals with this directly is I Peter 3:1-2, which says,

"In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior."

"bcriswell86", if I can be an encouraging voice to lean you in the direction of what ILG is saying, then I'll nudge a bit. She is speaking VERY wise words to you.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Irreligious, Anything else!

Re: Backslid husband
 

I didn't see that, thanks. I stand corrected. And again, thanks ILG for your wise words.:)

Re: Backslid husband
 

No problem!:highfive

Re: Backslid husband
 

No, ILG, we just know and serve the same GOD!:thumbsup

Re: Backslid husband
 

ILG,
My parents have been gone for many years. Dad, 21 yrs,
Mom 11yrs. Now I follow on with the GOD of my father and
mother!

Re: Backslid husband
 

I found it interesting that the husband is critical of the church leadership and if I am reading between the lines correctly it is because they are not strict enough. Yet he has started drinking and cursing! I have to wonder if he is not one of those people who just decides if things aren't going to be done the way he thinks they should be he is just not going to participate.

I have a close relative who has fallen into the age old trap of avoiding "organized religion" because there are hypocrites in the churches. (no I am not related to Timmy - LOL). I have told him that any endeavor that human beings are involved in is going to be imperfect and have duplicitous people, etc. However that doesn't mean there are not honest hearted people doing their best also.

I will be praying for the author of this thread and her marriage and situation. I know this has to be a tremendous stress for her. She is correct that this father needs to consider the little footsteps that will be following his as he walks lifes path.

One question I do have I don't think I saw in her posts is has she directly asked her husband why he has quit church and started drinking and cursing. It is obvious he is from an ultra con background.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Last but not least, don't rule out the possibility of attending church elsewhere if your husband suggests it. If you find out that he is terribly dissatisfied or upset with your church for some reason, then ask him if there's somewhere else he'd prefer to attend. IMO, it would be better for him and better for your marriage to go somewhere he likes than to not go at all. You owe your husband more loyalty than you owe your pastor or friends.
__________________
Your whole post was great, but this was so true and so profound! Bcriswell86, if I could be transparent for a minute with you. I have been in church for nearly 20yrs. I was not raised Apostolic, in fact I was not raised in church - but I did have very good and hard working parents who taught me right from wrong and the importance of personal responsibility. They taught me morals that are based in the Word, although we as a family did not attend a church.

I was so enamered when I walked into a Apostolic Church at 16yrs of age and took to it like a fish to water. The Lord blessed and I grew. I was dating my wife when I came to the Lord at 16, and we have been together for 20yrs in total. She knew me bfore I was saved, and now afterward. I always had nagging questions concerning some doctrines and involement in our church but I pushed it in the back of my mind. As time went on I became so zealous for God that I also became extremely critical of anyone that was not "sold out". I refused to see that there was the proverbial "beam" in my own eye.

Three years ago my pastor backslid and the church was rocked. Many folks lost their way. By this time I was a licensed minister, so i took over for a short time. Many of the issues that caused the pastor to had visual symptoms that I and others saw but did not have the courage to speak up about. My wife and i hung in there as long as we could but were bruned out pretty quicky and decided to leave.

I said all that to say this - we went through a tough time, and yes we backed off alot of things we were taught, and as a man my frustration was manifested verbally, and there was some inappropriate language at times and attitude. Do I believe I was backslid..yes, but I had friends that assured me that the Lord would bring me through and that I was not backslid, just going through a rough patch.

My wife and I communicated continually, and it has taken a few years and we are still being healed by God. No matter what anyone else thinks or what you may think, if you support him, let him vent, and undergird him with prayer and encouragement, it will make all the difference in the world through this rough patch. Don't let the word backslid come out of your mouth, and protect him from anyone else that would want to confront him and make that type of statement.

A tree looks dead in the winter...but it comes alive in the spring. If he has the goods, they are there, maybe dormant, but there. When the season passes, life will return.

Praying for you.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Great post, Lemon.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Me too!

Re: Backslid husband
 

Wisdom! :thumbsup Lemon, your entire post was great!

Re: Backslid husband
 

I would agree this post is definitely disturbing for two reasons: a marriage and a family are at stake. Both people's feelings are something no one can dispute. For whatever reason (we have yet to know), he wants nothing to do with what he's always known to do. And a wife that wants everything to do with what she's known to do. The common denominator, as one person mentioned earlier, is the fact that family (an uncle) was at one time and another now pastor of the church. It's really hard to say who's wrong, if any. "Feelings" and what "I want to do" are speaking so loudly when I read this thread. Too many times I've heard about situations with families: the daughter "backslid" over constantly being harped on and hounded for her appearance and not "measuring up;" another familiy's son "backslid" over constantly being harped on and hounded over the length of his sideburns being below his ears, among other things. The whole mentality behind one "backslidding" has me deeply concerned that many of those people backslide as a result of a subliminal message that "well, they've gone and done this/that, they may as well go all the way." I would hate to think someone spoke that into this husband's life (the author of this thread's husband). Again, as I don't know all the facts, I'm simply putting things out there to think about. If any danger is ever present, such as suicide, threatening to kill someone, verbal abuse, physical abuse, etc. no need in staying in danger. But, first (if the wife hasn't already attempted), try asking the husband what it is he sees as error. Simply asking and discussing it without emotion (even though that can be hard sometimes) might break up the fallow ground and allow him to open up without feeling threatened. All feelings should be considered no matter what, again, as hard as that can be at times.

Best thing we can do is pray and believe God will bring all involved through all of this in their best interest, even if it means a change in direction. No matter which direction the wind blows, some may change with it. But, as long as they're still standing, they'll continue to grow as long as God's the focal point.

I hope we'll hear a good report at some point. Keep us updated!

Re: Backslid husband