Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Pastor Ogatt,

There is great need for your wisdom and guidance, as witnessed by these letters that were sent to me when folks learned I was in touch with you.

Here is the first letter:

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

After several years of dedicated prayer and effort, one of my best friends was baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost. He had been learning our doctrines quickly, but is now froze up with fear. We've talked and explained and showed him but none of it helps. We've told him he's justified by faith, and that God honors his own Word, and that we aren't given a spirit of fear. Nevertheless, after last weeks bible study on I Corinthians 6:9, he's like a man in a trance. He's somehow convinced himself that he's doomed to hell irredeemably. It's just not so. I was there when he was baptized, I heard him speakin' in tongues, and he's given up chewin', drinkin, alligator wrestlin, and lawnmower racin. There simply cain't be no doubt.

We'd be grateful if you had any advice for us, or at the very least pray for my friend. His name is Kenny Idolator. Yep, that's his real name.

Yours,

Buzz and Lattie Mae Hinkel

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

I can't decide what to get my wife for her birthday this year. I've narrowed it down to two items: either an electric shoe buffer or an electric griddle. We just got electricity in the house last year, and I thought it'd be real nice if she had an electric shoe buffer to help her when she polishes my shoe. But she also might really, really appreciate an electric griddle so's she can cook me up some hog jowl and hotcakes without havin to stoke the cookstove first.

I know you have faced this dilemma yourself since you just recently got electricity yourself. How should I decide?

Your friend,

Claymore Meinsfeld

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

Some new folks just started coming to our church. I got to talkin with one of their boys named Tommy that is my age, which is 8 years old, and he said that drinkin wine and growing beards couldn't possibly be wrong, since they're in the bible. I told him that it's wrong because the preacher said it was wrong! He just laughed and pulled my hair.

How can I get Tommy to listen to reason?

gratefully,

Susie

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

My husband Tillard was coming home from fishing last week when his old truck finally rusted plumb in two. He and his ol' dog Blue were killed instantly in the crash. Once we got over the shock, we set out to comply with his wishes that he had spelled out in his will. It was a bit of a struggle since Tillard was never a learned man of letters. Well, it turns out that his lawyer Furgiss Blackpond wasn't much of one either, on account of how mixed up everything got. At any rate we've got trouble big because our preacher flat refuses to do the funeral for ol' Blue, and Tillard's brother Zeke refuses to pick him up from the taxidermist. Of course it's too late now to fix the mix-up, and we've done spent all the insurance money.

Could you recommend any good-hearted preachers that preaches good funerals and loves dogs real good in Eastern Kentucky to help us out?

Thank you.

The Widder Murphy

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

It might be a while before you hear from the Rev. Sometimes it takes him a while before he can get the anointment to flow good.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

buzz, Bro kenny is coming along well.he should be scared like i said here at apostolic fear and trembling tabernacle, the fear is the beginning of wisdom. Since he wont inherit the kingdom cause of 1 cor 6-9 sounds like he is wiseing up to the fact that he is a heathern and will always be a heathern.

When he is at church sit him right next to the heatin stove so he can get used to it to what its going to be like

Thanks Bro Ogatt

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Clayymore, First of all hows your job makin hops at the brewery goin? I can always depend on you to let me know when its slick outside.
Go with the buffer, so your shoe will be shiney when you go to ihop.

Pastor Ogatt

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Widder Murphy, this reminds me of a time when i went to a viewing with another widder. We walked in the funeral home and they wheeled out her husband., popped open the lid and he wider started screaming "that aint him" the funeral feller said he was very sorry and wheeled him in the backroom where i heard him say"hey george, switch heads on 3 and 4"

well anyway, the taxidermist needs the room so he will bring tillard back to you and you can put his lazy hide back on the porch where he always stayed anyway.

Just a little bright spot. You wont have to feed him your sorry cookin anymore

Rigards Bro Ogatt

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

I'm being ministered to by this wonderful thread.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Yes, I think I've gotten some mustard from it also!

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Me too. I haven't cried like this in years!

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

LOL! You sure these people are in eastern kentucky? I seem to recognize some of them from SW Louisiana!

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Pastor Ogatt,
My husband always falls asleep during the preachin' portion of the service. Could you give me some advice on how to keep him awake?

Blessings to your ministry,
Murtle

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Bro. Ogatt,

Will I go to hell for wearing thigh high hose?

Blessing,
Prudence

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

I had to read Mr Claymores letter a few times over... I was tryin to figure out what an electric Girdle was!! LOL

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Bro Ogatt,

The other day I had some friends come in town to visit. I have a rule in my house that we dont allow none of that muzack stuff cept from my radio because I know I can keep good anointed music playin on there. Well they came and brought some of their own 8 tracks!!! What do I do? Do I let them play them ifin I dont know if they got an anointin on em or not???

Sincerely,
Confused 3 steppin 8 tracker

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

murtle, that happens alot in my church as i preach about one and a half hours at least dependin on how much sin is in the house.

take a piece of limburger cheese to church and when he goes to sleep wave it under his nose.

a sister did this in my church and the husband woke up screaming get yor feet off my pillow.
so you might want to warsh your feet afore church.
pastor ogatt

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

the esiest way to answer this is to tell your sorry carcass to make sure you have an asbestos suit that matches.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

I ain't Pastor Ogatt Priudence, but thight highs are right up there with underarm hair on women!

***Shuddders!****

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

That's kinda freaky, Ron!

:toofunny

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Pastor Ogatt,
We have several families that have volunteered to help clean the church. Everyone is scheduled on the calender. Some of the families don't show up and my husband and I are left to do the cleaning. I do want to be a servant, but the saints are taking advantage of us and having a welfare state mentality.

What can we do? My husband is trying to work a sermon around this. Can you help?

Working hard in Podunk,
Sister Gracie

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

sister gracie, the first problem here is volunters. You call em out publicly and tell em they will be cleaning the church and if the church is not cleaned then everyone will know they didnt show up.

cleaning is easy at my church. since we have wooden benches. i just get the heatherns to get up and sit somewhere else. When i do this a few times, their sorry carcasses cleans up the pews.

i have wood floors, so once a month i just spray it down with a hose.

he needs to preach from that scripture obey them that have rule over you.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Thank you, Brother Ogatt,

We will be looking for some wooden pews and we are going to rip that plushy carpet out. I see all these "conveniences" have made the people lazy!

God bless!
Sister Gracie

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Brother Ogatt,
I have a couple of ladies in my church that appear to have "glowing" cheeks. They totally deny they are wearing facial enhancements. I need to get to the bottom of this and root out the problem here.

My wife and I came up with the idea to hold a ladies tea in the various houses so she could use the ladies room and go through the cabinets.

Do you think that would be the best way to go? I've tried sermonizing, but the ladies are still "glowing"?

God bless your ministry,
Brother Busby

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Bro. Ogatt:

Our pastor wants us to pass out flyers and tracks for our church in a dangerous part of town. I'm fearful of my life doing this even though he says that God is our protection. Do we really have to do this or can we just go to the safer parts of town.

Daniel
Dead in Detroit

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

brother busby, those heathern ladies are lying. first of all glowing cheeks are one of 2 things, paint or happy contented women and i aint ever seen a happy contented women so its paint.

the tea is a good idea just be sure to sneak in a trash bag so you can get rid of the other junk as well, asprin, hair curlers and colored undergarments.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Ogatt,

Is hell hotter than a soot covered chimney sweep wearing long sleeves in July??

Please answer soon, as I am selecting my annual wardrobe from the Salvation Army this week.

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

at least he's wearin long sleeves.

its hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch

make sure you buy white shirts

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

I have a serious dilemma requiring the utmost of deescretion. Our old pastor, Brother Whipsnort, passed away unexpectedly last month, leaving us with a vacancy to fill. Our new pastor, Brother Ellis, was no stranger to our congregation and seemed like a divinely-willed as well as a logical choice. He's as solid a preacher as they come, but I fear I have detected a soft underbelly to his armor: his son Billy.

I know Brother Ellis is just as proud of his Appalachian heritage as I am, but I have inadvertently discovered a serious problem. Last Sunday night as we were worshiping the Lord around the altar I noticed that for the second week in a row that Pastor Ellis handed the very first snake to his son Billy. Even though I was in the spirit I remember thinking to myself that that snake had got itself a shrunken head! After service was over and folks had started to head downstairs for some cornbread and beans, I took a chance and rummaged through the snake box. You can imagine my surprise to find a desert king snake in there amongst the Eastern diamondbacks!

Now I believe a man should help his boys along their path to manhood. Some things have to be learned gradually. But giving your boy a harmless snake instead of a deadly one isn't like putting training wheels on their first bicycle - it's like teaching them business with counterfeit money! I know worship is a matter of faith. I just believe that there is no substitute or junior version of faith. I fear that both Pastor Ellis and Billy Ellis are succumbing to the spirit of the Pharisees, since they want Billy to be seen as righteous enough to handle snakes, without truly proving it. If it was anybody other than the Pastor doing such tricks we'd call them a charlatan.

Should I attempt to casually confront them on this dangerous path they're taking, or just hope and pray that the man just has a little misguided notion about there being stepping stones in this thing, and that he's a-fixin to hand Billy a real diamondback, like a proper father, any day now?

The next nearest "handling" church is 45 miles away as the crow flies, and 120 miles by car.

Thank you for your help in this sensitive matter!

Dilemma Dan McAllister,
Pandora, Tennessee

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

:toofunny :toofunny

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

that pastor is a smart feller. he wants to pass the church on to his boy. chances are the boy will be pastor real soon.

i was preachin at a snake handlin church once and between sunday mornin and night i was walking out towrds the outhouse and i heard a knock coming from a big box. i went over and lifted the lid and there was a snake in there with a frog in his mouth. I felt sorry for that frog and took him out of the snakes mouth. Frog seemed to be fine but i figured he could use a drink. I went back in the church and the only thing i could find was a bottle of comunion wine.
I gave the frog a drink and let him go but started to feel sorry for the snake since i had taken his dinner so i went over there and gave him a snort of the wine.

A few minutes later i heard the knock again. I lifted up the lid and there was the snake with 2 frogs in his mouth

Re: Dear Pastor Ogatt: Advice thread
 

Dear Pastor Ogatt,

I've been courtin a nice boy named Jacob Flynn for the past 8 months, and last night he proposed marriage to me. He said he would have asked my Daddy for my hand, but Daddy's only allowed two visitors per month.
Well you can just imagine how excited I was and I was just bubbling over to share the news when I got home. My Mama and my sister Lana just stared at me with their mouths open. Neither one of them breathed for about five minutes. Finally mama said that Lana had just shared the exact same news. The three of us called on Jacob with a battery of skillets and frying pans. Jacob just hollered through the upstairs window that it was biblical for him to marry us both and we needed to get caught up on our bible reading. It's not that Jacob couldn't support us both, and maybe even Mama too, what with his promotion to assistant supervisor down at the fillin station, and I always knew he seemed kinda sweet on Lana, but this just seems too weird for me. I hate to pass up the opportunity, since he's the most eligible bachelor in the county, and I don't have many other prospects. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Rachel Isaacson