HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I have a mother with Alzheimer's. She has started having health issues. She lives with one of my sisters and now my sister is having some issues. She has a young daughter with problems and a son who is pretty much taking over the house.
I do not live close but I have several bothers who do. I have sister that lives out of state and she has been going to help out a few times a month.
I love our church. Love the area we live in except for the crime and the higher cost of living. I have been feeling torn between if I should try to move back to the area and help my sister or not.
Personally I do not like Ohio, lots of old nasty memories there. There is a good church and lots of people we know and love there though.
If you were faced with a similar situation what would you do?
Would you move back and be there to help? or would you stay put and go back once a year for a week or two to help then? or would you just stay put and not worry about things?

Just curious what a few others might do in this situation.

Please feel free to say. Honestly, I need some ideas.

=) thanks

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I'd lean towards helping Mama.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Depends- How would it affect your support for your family (job). Is there any way that your family can raise money to help your sister with the care of your mother or find a assisted living apt. that specializes in caring for people with your mother's condition? We have that in our town. There are also services that will come into the home and care for people in thier homes here. I would proceed very carefully. Talk with your wife at length and your siblings. I have faced a simular situation . Dont make any knee jerk decisions based on the emotions of the moment.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I agree with Blubayou.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

If you are in a good place in terms of stability and having a good church (which I think is important for your family and will pay tremendous dividends in the future), how feasible would it be for your mother to move either in with you or close to you in one of the kinds of places discussed above.
From what you have said about your sister's situation, her house may not be the best place for your mother now anyway. If your sister is overwhelmed with a daughter having problems and if her son "is taking over the house", your mother may be better able to enjoy her twilight years elsewhere.
It appears that you may be better able to help without having to return to a place that you don't want to be in the first place and may not be the best place for your family.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

That was my thought also... my mother and her sister bounced my grandmother from Texas to Arkansas until they were unable to take care of her anylonger.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I do not know what to say but I will be praying for you to be lead by the skillfulness of God´s hands...God is more that able to show you exactly what is best...sometimes we get in a maze and just can´t see straight but He is far above us and HE HAS promised to lead the way...Love you folks...

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Exactly what I am hoping for. Thank you

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Wow, jax, we have experienced this same type of situation. We made the move and, of course, it has forever altered the lives of the people who remain. I understand choices you have to make.

Make your choices out of love (God's love) and not out of fear.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

What are your brothers doing to help?

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Let me see if I can keep things straight here and answer both of these.

My sister has gotten help from a local group that specializes in these situations. As for money needed to help or money needed for her to get in home help that is not needed. Mom has an aide that come in to help her bathe and do her hair. She also helps her get ready in the morning to go to the adult center. This has been a great relief.
My wife and I have talked this over and she says that no matter what I decide that is fine with her.
As for my job, I can work from home so I could move and continue with my current job. That would be a plus.
As for my mom coming to live with us, NOT a chance. What had been happening was that she would live with my one sister for a while and then with the other sister and then with us. She moved between us during the year. We lived further south than the rest so it was winter with us. We would get her late fall and she would stay until early spring. Then it was to one of my sisters houses and then to the next. That worked for a while till she got to where she was having more problems doing that than she did staying in one place. So about 5 years ago she decided to stay in Ohio. She has visited us for two weeks a few years ago and then the following year we went to visit her for two weeks. Well now she just pretty much stays put. She does not want to travel. She does not want to leave the house a lot of times. They have to really push her to get her to go anywhere other than church.
She dealt with this when her mother got older. She has feared this day. She has asked my sister to not put her in a nursing home or assisted living unless she absolutely has to. Since her accident that broke her arm a couple months back she has gotten more frail it seems.
I simply feel useless not being there. I feel like there is something I should be doing and I am not. I have three brothers that live within 15 minutes and they do VERY LITTLE. I hate feeling this way.
We love our church. We love the people we go to church with. ALL of my boys have been filled with the Holy Ghost here. We share a vision with the pastor here. Something I can not say about anywhere else we have been.
I think what we are going to do is to plan for me to go back and spend a week here as soon as we can afford it. Stay with her and see how things are going and then go from there. If it looks like she could be out of a nursing home for 3 or more years and that going home would help to accomplish that then maybe so but if not then stay put and just go back to help out when ever possible through out the year. Of course to drive is a LONG time and to fly now is much more expensive.

Thanks for your thoughts folks. Your continued prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

VERY LITTLE gets on my last nerve. They are all older than me and if I say something it goes unheeded. I got all upset at them once for not helping out and they ignored me. The oldest wrote them all letters and they acted like they were going to start helping more but nothing came of that. Then when mom ended up in the hospital to have surgery they were there 24/7 and now that she is out they just barely stop by to check on things and then only after someone calls them.
The one brother lives about 2 1/2 hrs away and he helps more than the others. Also my sister that currently lives about the same distance away she goes and helps.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

This I am trying to avoid

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Your one sister that is having so much going on in her life needs to call the brothers and sisters together for a meeting and lay it out. Someone else will need to care for Mom while she handles her own very full plate. And it ought to be one of those brothers who are currently doing diddly...

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

oddly enough that is how I feel and that is what my other sister has said also.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I wanted to give an update on my mother. As I am sure you have all noticed I am still in AZ so I did not move back to Ohio. I had gone back in Oct to visit and give my sister a weeks break. During that time it became obvious to me that even if I moved back to help it would not be long and she will be in a home. I call and keep in touch and do what I can from here.
Today I talked with my sister about how mom is doing. She had some follow up appointments this past Thursday and wanted to find out what had been said then. Well the bone surgeon has released her. He said the bone in her arm is as good as it is going to get and that there is no reason to go and take the plate out. The neurosurgeon wants to see her again in June. Three months ago she still could not hold her wrist up even though she was starting to get some use in it. She can not hold the wrist up and move her fingers. She is zipping items and buttoning some buttons on some of her tops. They have taken her out of the splint and have her dusting furniture with her left hand as therapy.
She does not even remember the fall that caused the break. She does not remember trying to run around the church.
She does, however, know that she does NOT like to be told to get her bath or her hair washed. She will do it in her own time. Of course sometimes her time is not timely enough. =) When she is headed to bathroom she will turn around and shake her fist at my sister and mutter under breath.
Anyway, just wanted to give an update and thank you all for the prayers you sent up for her.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Well you only have one Mom and if you don't go you will probably beat yourself to death for not going. If it is possible and probable I would go. I will be praying for you and your Mom.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Jax, this is another example of how we are all so caught up in our own lives that we fail to remember that everyone around us is also going thru tough times. I know this is hard for you. I understand how you have to feel so torn every day about what you can or should be doing. I'm sure that your sister appreciates your "heart" in this.

My experience in working with Alzheimer's patients in the past in the nursing homes and then having been the primary caregiver for my friend for 4 years is that Alzheimer's people function MUCH better when their lives are not disrupted. They thrive on familiar. That includes familiar caregivers. They may not recognize these caregivers or even know their names. But they respond to them better than they do to a new person coming in. So, as hard as it is for your sister, the situation she is in is probably the best for your mom. Maybe the thing that you can do that will be the most help for your sister would be for you to offer her and her family as much support as you can possibly give her.

Some suggestions: (and take them all at face value. They're ONLY suggestions)

* You and your brothers could pay for an alarm system to be installed in your sister's home so that she could get a good night's sleep without having to worry about whether your mom is up and wandering out the door.

* Offer to pay for someone to come in at least once or twice a week in the evening so your sister can get out and do what SHE wants to do. You said she has someone during the day, right? I assume your sister is working a job and that's why she needs the daycare?

* Have your sister's kids come out to visit you and your family for a week or two. That in itself might give your sister a big break.

* Even if you don't do anything else, at the very least, send your sister flowers or candy or something every once in a while just to tell her how much you appreciate the sacrifice she is making to take such good care of Mom. Let her know that you are grateful. That in itself will go a long way.

You may not be able to do alot for your mom right now. But do what you can for your sister to make HER life easier. The more you do for your sister, the more your MOM will benefit :)

I'll be praying for you, brother. I understand. Really, I do. Alzheimer's a CRUEL disease.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

There's no way I could possibly see into all of the issues, dilemmas and choices here. Do you have kids and spouse? You have to do what's best for them first, IMHO. Maybe move Mom back to your place, if that's an alternative or find a medicare accepting faclity nearby.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Bro.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Jaxfam,

A tough situation and I am praying for you. The harsh reality is that if your mother has Alzheimers and has had it already for awhile then it is inevitable that she is going to require full time nursing home care before long.

I am glad you did not relocate your family if everybody is happy where they are at. I kow it is a very tough situation for all and very hard on you being so far away and unable to do more. I think you going to visit and help out as often as you can is a good plan.

One of the things they say is important for Alzheimers patients is for continuity. They need a set routine and surroundings. Moving her from child to child would be very hard on her.

As far as the brothers who do not help do you think a family meeting with all of the brothers and sisters might help them see they are not pulliing their weight or would it just bend up making things worse?

My mom is a widow and I am an only child. My mom is in a nursing home 800 miles from where I live and I only get to see her every four to six weeks but that is a blessing. When I do I stay with her for many hours a day for the two to four days I get to be there. Even if it is just to be there while she sleeps. It is hard to leave her but the care she gets at this nursing home as a medicaid patient is wonderful I could not find as good a place closer to where I live. My mom had a stroke and is paralyzed on the left side, can't walk, can't talk, and is tube fed so she required a lot of care. I told her that if I moved her where I live I would only get to see her an hour or so a day and then the other 23 hours she would be at the mercy of her caregivers so I want them to be the best.

If your sister has not started checking out nursing homes she needs to even if you mom does not want to go to one. As the Alzheimers progresses it will be very difficult if not impossible to keep her at home.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Very good suggestions. I'd be sure everyone did their part to help your sister out as much as possible. Especially paying someone to come stay so that your sister can get out in the evenings quite a bit.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

You all have been very kind. Thank you all for the comments and prayers.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

It takes more than a year when you move to another church. transplanting is traumatic plus the care of your mother. But it can be done; and you didnt say if she is saved. Prayer can bring deliverance for her. Her condition is not irreversible.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Now there is a question for you.

My mother has served God her entire life. Baptized and HG filled by the age of 8. If the Bible teaches that we are promised a sound mind then why are saved people coming down with this horrible disease?

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

We just have to trust brother. I know it must be hard. Bottom line is if she dies saved.. thats what its all about. I'll be praying for you and your family. We'll understand it better by and by.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

The Bible doesn't promise us a sound mind. There is only one verse that even mentions a sound mind and it's in reference to fear not being of God.

'Sound mind' is defined as:

1. an admonishing or calling to soundness of mind, to moderation and self-control
2. self-control, moderation

This doesn't include the absence of disease or illness.

But I do sympathize with you and your family. Caring for someone with this disease isn't easy. Keeping you and your family in prayer.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I have a similar situation with my mother. When it was apparent that mother could no longer live by herself because of worsening Parkinson's disease, my sister offered for mom to live with her family.

It worked for awhile, but soon became apparent that mom's needs required professional help. To make a long story short, mom agreed to live in an assisted living complex.

Now the problem! The complex called me the other day and told me they will give a 30 day notice for mom to move out, if mom falls one more time! You see, mom is pretty much relegated to a wheel chair, but she thinks she can do things that only require a few steps. (e.g. getting the Kleenex off the dresser )

If they kick her out, the only recourse left is a nursing home! None of the kid's homes is wheelchair friendly. (e.g. In my home, all of the bedrooms are upstairs)

More than being wheelchair friendly is the 24/7 need to have people around her that have the skills to meet her needs. All of us work, and our spouses also work.

There is something about that generation that thinks being put in a nursing home is like being put out to pasture as far as the family is concerned. Me? I don't want my children to have to sacrifice their time with their family and extend extra effort just to meet my needs when I get where I need professional help to get by. (spoon feed, bathe, change clothes, clean up, administer medicine, etc.)

I know that such effort can be extremely stressful on a marriage!

Don't get me wrong! I will want family to visit or call on a regular basis! :)

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

PM, nursing homes when your mom was your age was NOT a place to put your parents unless you hated their guts. They were filthy, smelled horrible, and people went there to die and did so rather quickly. I know this because I worked at them. The difference from then and today is like east from west.

Today, nursing homes are turning into rehab centers. They are clean with homelike atmospheres. There are constant activities and the state keeps them in line with hefty fines for neglect and such.

If you have to go this route, check out nursing home options. They are required to make available to you their last state survey results. Don't let their violations scare you, as most are pretty petty things. See if they've been fined for a neglect issue, wrongful death, and other such pertinent info and their plan to make sure it doesn't happen again. That info will be in the survey.

Present your mom with the info when you find a nice facility for her. Also check to see if she can get a private room with her insurance, if she desires. Nursing homes are pretty good at comparing personalities of roommates also so she won't be in the same room as someone who moans and cries all night.

If I can help you further, let me know. I don't know nursing homes in TN, but I hope they have changed also.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

I didn't mean to hi-jack this thread, but thank you for your info and willingness to give advice when needed! :)

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Mr. Steinway,

Can I add to what HeavenlyOne shared with you? I'm talking from another side of the coin you understand. Walt had to spend that time in the rehab nursing home after his aneurysm.

Start doing your research NOW. Check out the facilities very, very thoroughly. Go at different times of the day and different days of the week. Just observe. Check out things like: if they have a calendar up with activities scheduled on it, check to make sure that those activities are actually taking place and that they are being offered to anyone who can participate; how often do the residents get to take a shower; if they want to sleep in, is that allowed; if they are night-owls and want to stay up to the middle of the night, is there a place that they can do that without disturbing roommates; if your mom is not incontinent, will she still have to be disturbed in the middle of the night when they check on her roommate; pay the extra to eat a few meals there to what the food is like; how often does a doctor come; when someone rings the call bell, how long before it is answered - this is extremely important!! The last day Walt was at Heartland, they brought him back from PT, put him in his room. He said he felt sick, so they handed him a basin and walked out. He started feeling worse and worse, so put his call light on. When I walked in, it was still going off. As soon as I walked past the nurses station, someone got up to run to his room, but he told me it had been several minutes already. They got there and he was ashen colored, clammy and sweating. They had to call 911 and get him into a hospital immediately!! That's why I say how important it is that they check immediately when a call light goes off.

Don't wait until your mom is ready for a nursing home before you start checking tho because you will under tremendous pressure at that point. Start looking now.

That's just my take on things from my perspective. Best wishes and lotsa prayers, brothers. Both of you :)

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Thanks, Margie! :) We are starting to investigate nursing homes. She needs to decide where she wants to live though. Does she want to stay in the Nashville area where she's close to me and one of my brothers, or does she want to move to Jackson, TN where my older sister lives? As of today, she can't make up her mind!

I visit her regularly every Wednesday night after I get off work. I buy all of her needed supplies, and I got her a cellphone on a lanyard so she can make all of the long distance calls she pleases! We talk on the phone almost every day.

Re: HELP!!! question for you all.
 

Excellent advice. Also, in the lobby, often there are people there visiting their families and even just residents gathered for an activity of their own or socializing. Ask them how they feel about the place, especially the visitors. Sometimes you can talk to an old woman and she may seem all there but really isn't....LOL!

Good luck, PM.