Joke Thread
 

Everybody else has a joke thread so I figured I'd start one :):

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Re: Joke Thread
 

Oooo, you are in trouble for that one!

:ursofunny

Re: Joke Thread
 

One time two grade school chums met,after not seeing each other for many yrs.

One fellow asked the other one are you married ? Yes I'm married to an angel,replied the other fellow.
The other fellow replied boy are you lucky my wife is still alive.

Re: Joke Thread
 

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married....But by then it was too late.



(I figure I may as well get all the way in trouble)

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Yep!

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I told somebody the other day that my wife is a angel cause she is always up in the air and always harping.

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I've been married for 27 wonderful years. And 27 out of 31 ain't bad! :ursofunny

(May as well join you in the dog house, Mr S. :thumbsup)

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Just be sure to have some flea powder ready for the doghouse.

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For guys going to the doghouse.
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7kSHb1yw08

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Didn't know Ray Charles did that song. It's, like, my theme song! :lol

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I have a few short and sweet ones that come to mind...

Marriage is an institution... but who wants to live in an instiution?

Q: What do a Kansas tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common? A: Either way, somebody's gonna end up losing a a trailer.

I went to the bookstore and asked the clerk to direct me toward the "self help" section. He said that would defeat the purpose.

A wayward preacher was stopped by a cop for driving eratically one night. In between his legs was a paper bag containing a bottle. The officer asked, Sir, what's in the bag and that bottle? The preacher said "water". The officer reached in and took hold of the bottle and brought it to his nose to smell it. After a quick whiff, he exclaimed "Sir, that's not water, its wine!". The preacher exclaimed, Bless God, he did it again!!

Re: Joke Thread
 

You can come over to mine. I spend quite a bit of time in there so I've got it all tricked out. :ursofunny

Re: Joke Thread
 

That's funny. The last one remined me of something. Has anyone here ever heard of Tim Stivers? (I think that was his name)

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A couple are in love and want to get married...

Before they get a chance to marry they both die and go to heaven...

At the gate of heaven they tell St. Peter they are still in love and would like to get married in heaven.

Peter responds, "You'll have to go directly to God with this one"

The couple go to God and explain the situation. God replies, "wait 10 years and then come back to me.

The couple wait 10 years then come back to God seeking to marry. God replies, "wait 5 more years then come back to me".

The couple wait 5 more years then come back to God and say, "God we still want to get married". God says, "wait 3 more years then come back to me"

The couple respond, "God, we have waited 15 years. We are really in love and we would really like to get married."

God said, " allright wait 1 more year and if we don't get a preacher up here by then, I'll perform the wedding MYSELF!

Re: Joke Thread
 

ROFL, D.M.! I got one:

A married couple are in a terrible car crash. The wife dies instantly. At the pearly gates, Peter tells her there is a simple requirement to get into Heaven.

"You must spell a word."

Lady says "what word?"

"Any word you want. You pick one and spell it correctly, then in ya go. It's a technicality, hard to explain."

"OK. Cat. C - A - T."

"In ya go. But first, I really need a break. Would you mind watching the gate for a while? You know how it works."

"No problem."

A minute later, the husband succumbs to his injuries and shows up at the gate, and sees his wife there.

Wife says "all you have to do to get in is spell a word."

Husband says "what word?"

"Chrysanthemum."

Re: Joke Thread
 

This is not a joke, but it made me laugh pretty good. I love how he tried to ignore the initial sound of the chair giving way....There's a sermon in there somewhere.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxIeDstWPos

Re: Joke Thread
 

:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny

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You are a fast learner!!! :thumbsup :toofunny

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:ursofunny:ursofunny

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On the evening of his wedding anniversary, after a romantic candlelight dinner, the husband says to his wife:

"My darling, I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-------------
also...

A man told his son who was about to get married:

"Son, every man should know hat there are 3 rings associated with every marriage.

First the engagement ring.
Then the wedding ring.
And then the suffering."

Re: Joke Thread
 

Hillary, Biden and Obama were on a donkey, at the edge of a cliff.
The donkey got spooked and jumped off the cliff.
Who was saved?










AMERICA

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Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

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A new Redneck law was just recently passed .

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

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Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?

'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

Re: Joke Thread
 

:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny

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:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny

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:ursofunny:ursofunny:ursofunny

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I can't answer that. I didn't read anything about Salvation in that post :tease

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Hey, you might could get a job writing jokes for Jay Leno. LOL :ursofunny

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I'm not sure if that is a complement or an indictment :)

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STEW you are on a roll! LOL :friend

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I was originally going to answer:
Who got saved?
Not the millions of babies who would be aborted under the next Republican term, but I figured it was too confrontational for a joke thread.

:evilglee

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haha, I thought you were going to say the donkey.


My pastor asked me to sing solo in the choir, so i asked what he wanted me to sing, and he said " so low noone can hear you."

ARPH:doggyrun

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Did you hear about the fire that started in the Arkansas Governors Mansion?

Pretty near burnt down the whole trailer park!



What is the best thing to come out of Arkansas?

I-40!



Arkansas, the State with 16 Million people and 30 last names!


What do you get when there are 24 people from Arkansas in one room?

A full set of teeth!

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Ohhh, wait til Mike sees this. I smell an international incident abrewin'. :evilglee

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Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a
man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House and now half
the country is looking for work.

Re: Joke Thread
 

My wife is a Arab terrorist,
Nothing she likes better than terrorizing Arabs!
*******************************************

Did you hear the one about the Texas Aggie that pulled the 10lb booger out of his nose?
His head collapsed before he could eat it!
**********************************************

A little old Jewish fellow in New York shuffled into a deli in the big middle of a snow storm.
He gets to the counter and orders; "Locks, a bagel, and cream cheese."

The owner quickly bagged it up for him and tried to sell him some more.
"No," replied the little old Jew, "just the Locks, bagel, and cream cheese please."

Worried about the storm and the little fellow not stocking up to prevent any further trips he pleaded again; "Are you SURE there is nothing else I can get for you?"

The same reply; "No tank you, just these Locks, bagel, and cream cheese is fine."

With his heart in his stomach, the owner watched as the little Jewish man push against the door. Finally the owner came to help him exit the door in the blizzard; "Say!" said the owner quite loudly; "Are you married?"

The Little Jewish fellow stood straight and cocked his head; "What, my mother would send me out in weather like this?"


Ron