A NEW Year-A NEW promise
 

This is the year I forgive and leave all my issues in the past. Those of you who THINK Rhoni has issues with pastors, Men, and Ex-'s...If I do - I refuse to now. I forgive one and all and refuse to allow past perceived spiritual, emotional, or psychological abuse to control me.

I forgive, won't forget, and will protect my boundaries but will not mention them any longer.

If I do...any of you have the right [because I give it to you] to call my hand on it.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for us all!:christmasfire

Blessing Rhoni

Re: A NEW Year-A NEW promise
 

Rhoni,

Do you think you can just choose to do that? I am of the opinion that one grows into this type of thing.

Re: A NEW Year-A NEW promise
 

Right there - you regressed.

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Most growth starts with a choice.

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I forgive my mean ol' rooster for spurring me.

But I have not lost the wisdom that the attack gave me.

I forgive him... but I also know who he is and I watch for him.

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Si'.... very much the same.

When I make the decision to forgive people it changes who I am... but it does nothing to change who they are.

I can forgive a person without losing the wisdom that having dealt with that person gave me.

If it was a one time faux pas... that is one thing. But some people will demonstrate to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are what they are and that never changes.

Mark them and avoid them....

But let it go as far as your own hurts go.

Re: A NEW Year-A NEW promise
 

I agree and good analogy. A little more simple when dealing with wildlife, though. :D

Many times when a women says, "I protect my boundaries" it generally means - "I am not letting go of the pain or the memory of this pain".

Just for discussion sake - you understand. :D

I've heard the comment made and it can mean two things - generally. I think it's worthy of discussion.

Re: A NEW Year-A NEW promise
 

:santathumb

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Rhonda - - I do hope that you are able to do this!

You will not find peace in your life until you are able to let it go and keep it back there.

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Of course it does. A choice and a desire. However, one doesn't just choose to have a growth spurt.

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If we are discussing, then my two cents is that at some point you do have to forget along with the forgiveness.

What D4T is saying is true - what you go through changes how you react in the future and makes you see things with the wisdom of what you have gone through, but........you still have to let things go.

Not rehashing the things will help move past the hurts.

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I agree.

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Right, Renda - you can set a boundary as a way of "experienced wisdom", but if in that boundary you are still hanging on because of past pain - that's when it stops working for you.

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This is an unhealthy boundary that takes energy to maintain. True boundaries are pretty natural but I think they are grown into rather than decided on the spot based on a theory of healing. True healing doesn't need a theory framework. It just is.

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Healing is a frame of mind.

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Indeed...

I have boundaries in my life towards people who have hurt me before and those boundaries are there for their benefit as well as mine.

I have learned how close i can be and still maintain the proper respect and good friendship.

Any closer and it just won't work.

I know the place where they change and I have a fence around that place so we can be friends.

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Sure, I agree. If we ran a statistic - I think many would fall on the side of the "energy to maintain". JMO! :D

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Yes, it is a renewal of the mind. Because an old framework of mind doesn't bring healing. In my opinion, one first chooses to heal by being open to new ideas. Then, the renewal of the mind, or the change of thinking is what causes the healing to take place and actually be real. Proclaiming healing doesn't make it so. One can proclaim healing and it may or may not be actual.

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Your protecting against ONE thing or individual.... I may be wrong but her post is in context to life as a whole... I would not expect her to fall to the same individual. But if she keeps boundries up to people in her future because of ONE in her past then in reality she is accomplishing nothing.

If I get stuck in a mudhole, I obviously would miss that one in the future, but I'm not gonna slow down just because there maybe more.

As grandpa once said; "ain't no shame in gettin stuck, just don't get stuck in the same hole twice"


Either way, I wish you well in your new journey Rhoni, I will pray for HIS strength to abide with you.

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Indeed...

It takes energy to maintain a marriage...

And it isn't a boundary... it is a working relationship.

The only thing one can do that doesn't require energy is to keep away from people entirely.

And that, in itself, drains you as well.

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Right.

I think a man could possibly manage the boundary, forget and forgive more quickly than most woman - on average.

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Probably so...

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Which can only make this thread interesting with your input as a man. LOL!

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What interesting is we aren't the therapist, but we've giving her the advice - - lol!

Rhonda knows her friends love her and wants to listen - that makes it all cool!

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It reminds me of the song....He Can Only Pick Up What You Lay Down

Therefore if you are willing to change, He can take care of it.

My God Can Do Anything.

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LOL!

Not trying to counsel her. I have just seen two sides of the "boundary" issue and thought it was interesting to discuss. I've dealt with the "two" sided boundary in my own life. The "letting go" and the "energy maintenance". I think we all have to some degree.

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Excellent Point!

If you hold on to something thinking it's for protection HE can't take care of it. You have to be willing to let things go, not measure everyone with the same yardstick and NOT over analyze everything.............more of my two cents that's not worth that.

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Exactly - - you can build that protective wall so high that it can't be torn down and that's not doing anyone any good.

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Yes, if we allow it. I was talking to a friend of mine that had some real traumatic issues happen to her as a child. She carried that into her adult life and finally found a good counselor who worked along side God to bring healing into her life.

It was very interesting to find out how hard she had to work to make the changes in her life. She said that many times she would regress into a pity state because it felt good and was more comfortable than the pain of getting up and working through her issues.

She went on to say that many people seek out a counselor just to vent, but don't realize there is work involved in order to really effect a change.

It made me feel exhausted to understand the process for some. I'm thankful God has helped her to where she is today!!!

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Right.

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I know one thing for sure. Don't say anything about your personal life (emotional and spiritual hurts in particular) on AFF unless you want a boatload of advice, well meaning but not always useful!! LOL!!

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I think what often happens here is a person tries to work through the issues but is invalidated and revictimized by those who should help. So, a person never gets past the point of needing help. Sometimes it takes time to know who to talk to and to remember not to talk to those who invalidate and revictimize you.

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I KNOW!!! I was going to go into more detail on what I was trying to convey, but them I'd have to get personal which would be no one's business. LOL!

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I did exactly the same thing and then decided, Nah, I'm not going there!! LOL!!

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Once bitten--twice shy.

Rhoni, I understand what you are saying. Everyone is different. Until you go through and stand in another person shoes, you will never know how hard it is to let go of past hurts. May all your problems fall FAR FAR behind you and may God richly bless you!

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She was actually saying that through the counseling you have to look at the pain right in the face and deal with it. It's easy to step back into your comfort zone and rest - but you can't - you have to look at it and be willing to effect the change.

Many just want to talk to a counselor or friend without putting forth effort to work at change. Venting can be good only if you are willing to do something about what you just vented about.

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LOL! Right!!! Good decision!!! :santathumb

I have got to log out and get my house in order for company tomorrow!!!

Good exchanges everyone!!!!

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Thanks you guys! You know I am a therapist but I cannot heal myself and sometimes I can't even practice what I preach. I do agree and know that the first step has to be a choice, and I do know that you have to have a window in your wall to let the hurt out and the healing in. There is also a good thing about remembrance and that is not allowing yourself to go there again. I make it a practice of moving on when people start to violate my boundaries.

REMEMBER: forgiveness is not the same as trust. I can forgive but trust is something that has to be built.

Yes, on aff I HAVE SOME GOOD FRIENDS, AS WELL AS SOME WHO PROPHESY MY DOWNFALL BUT GOD WILL HAVE HIS WAY AND WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME FAR EXCEEDS WHAT I WANT FOR ME.

Thank you for your support and prayers.

Love & Blessings, Rhoni

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Just my two cents:

I believe that good boundaries keep the wrong people out of your life.

Worse boundaries keep the right people out of your life.

The very worst boundaries do nothing but keep you locked in and unable to grow.

I try to create and maintain healthy boundaries, but I refuse to allow past situations to continue to victimize me in my presnt and future by causing me to erect boundaries that keep the right people from getting close...or keep me so locked in bitterness that I am unable to grow and become.