Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

I noticed the dire absence of a current joke thread on AFF. Why so serious?
Pelosi will be speaker until she is something else and nothing we can do will change that. Obame is president regardless of his birth cert and will be until he isn't. The health care reform will happen or it won't. People with conservative standards will have them still, people with not-so-conservative standards will have them still.

Three steppers will three step and one steppers might take three even if they don't believe it necessary and on.

But Jokes... who can argue with a joke?


Never try to outsmart Dad

A young boy had just got his driver's license and asked his dad if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible and get your hair cut .... then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up and I've been watching you studying your Bible. However, I'm a bit disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut."

The lad paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's a strong argument that Jesus had long hair

To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

A certain king was touring his kingdom and decided to stop at the biggest prison in the land. He had all the inmates gather outside and said " If any of you feel that you're innocent of your crime or here unjustly than bow down to me." All the prisoners bowed down except for one who was still standing. The king had him brought over and asked, " Why did you not bow down?" To which the man answered " Because, your Majesty, I am guilty, I did what I did,was caught, was tried and sentenced lawfully and am serving my rightful sentence." The king was astonished and dismissed the man. He than called for the chief jailer and told him to release the one that remained standing. After he released him he asked the king "Why did you let that one go free?" The king answered " Why, we can't have that one guilty man corrupting all the "innocent" in here, can we?"


:doggyrun

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Lol.....there's a thread here somewhere, but not many participate!

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Someone whose name I will not mention. :)

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Thanks.

And I will continue to argue with any joke that finds humor in a person drowning, especially if a part of the joke is intentionally holding a lady underwater.

And if every single person on this forum thinks a joke like that is funny, and if every single person hits me hard for objecting to it, I'll still object to it.

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Hmm. "Arguing with a joke" is silly, eh? It wouldn't be hard to find a joke or two that would (and should) get me some infractions and/or a banning. And it would have nothing to do with murder.

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Good! You have a backbone!!! ...but try to get a funny bone.

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Oh, I just remembered, I did get an infraction for a joke, once. It was about TV.

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Yes, but would anyone argue with it?

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Rich apostolic guy figures out how to take it with him when he goes, so he converts all his assets to gold and is buried with it.

He arrives at the pearly gate dragging an obviously very heavy sack. Peter steps up and asks the guy "Whats in the bag?" The guy smiles and opens the sack for Peter's perusal.

Peter then looks up at the guy with a puzzled expression and says "wow... you brought pavement".

Moses and the Seabees
 

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

A cop stops this lady for speeding, as he approaches she unbuttons the top two buttons of her blouse, fluffs her hair and says seductively, "Officer, you wouldn't give a ticket to a beautiful young lady would you?"

The cop says, "No ma'am I would not..... here's your ticket."

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

This man goes to the doc and is told, "I have bad news, and good news. The bad news is, You will need a brain transplant or you will die. The good news is, I have three brains available for you to choose from.

The first is the brain of a doctor, it is $10,000
The second is the brain of a lawyer, it is $25,000
The third is the brain of a Internet forum administrator, it is $40,000,000

"Why Doc." the man says. "I understand that a doctors brain is very educated and may be worth 10 grand, and well, a lawyer is a sharp mind and a quick thinker as well as educated, so I can see it going for 25 grand. But why on earth is the forum administrators brain so expensive?"

The Doc replies, "Because that's the most valuable of them all, that ones never been used!"

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Time fer a bannin'? :toofunny

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Disclaimer........................................ .............................This is a joke. It is only a joke. NO CATS WERE ACTUALLY HURT IN THE WRITING OF THIS POST.



How To Give Your Cat A Pill...

..
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks.
When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth
and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the
process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to
back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10,
if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call for assistance.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing
front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down
ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.

8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside
for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.

9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat
with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of
paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth
open with pencil, and blow.

10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water
to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and
remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside
cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch
another from bedroom.

13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat.

14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.

15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.

16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely
tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's
mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of
raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed
to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat.

17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm, and removes
pill remnants from eye.

18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter,
and adopt a goldfish.


Author Unknown

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Our dogs vet has that posted on her wall.

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

I think of this every time we are holding one of our cats down, trying to stick that "pill shooter" in his mouth.

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:D
Now if that doesn't get a laugh out of Irreligious, nothing will! LOL

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:toofunny

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This is not a joke; it really happened.

My daughter brought some hamburgers home for the kids. They were having a picnic in the back yard. She realized that her 5 year old was not to be seen. His hamburger was sitting there with flies buzzing around it and the sesame seeds were gone off it.

She called out his name, "Jake, where are you." He answered, "I over her mommy. I'm planting the seeds so we can grow some hamburgers."

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

:toofunny Love it!

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I once tried to "snow" my son with a big word, when he was I guess around 3. I asked him to do something, and added "It's mandatory." Without missing a beat, he said "no it isn't mandatowy."

Kids!

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

A RC alter boy makes a mistake and fornicates with a nun. He goes to confession and says, "father I made a mistake and had sex with a nun." The father asked, "was it sister Marie." "No," the boy replied. "Was it sister Linda" asked the father. "No" said the boy. "Well, was it sister Ann" asked the father. Again the alter boy said no. The father said that it really did not matter which sister it was but that he could not allow the alter boy to serve the "body of God" for 4 weeks. This would give him time to reflect on the gravity of his sin. The alter boy left the confession and had a conversation with his alter boy friend. The friend asked, "What did you get." To which the alter boy replied, "4 weeks vacation and 3 prospects!"

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

biggest joke, i cant decide the cubs or the brewers, oh decisions, decisions, lol

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this joke is just not right, dt

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

A child in a Trinity sunday school class told the teacher,I know which member of the trinity is the biggest what the teacher exclaimed ? The child said sure it's The Holy Ghost because He fell on 120 people.

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not bad scott, lol:ursofunny

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School ' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

How about a this really happened...no joke.

At my church the pastor asked the "mother" to come and greet the people. She made her way up to the front being gently led by here hand. She began to exhort about the goodness of God. How he "woke me up this morning with my mind stayed on Jesus." And going on, "childeren we have got to give praise to Jesus Christ because he is sooooo good." And on an on... finally she said, "If you ever see mother, and I don't have strength in my body to praise him, if all I can do is lift this one finger, remember I am praising God."
Then she proudly lifts the middle finger of her right hand and waves it around and innocently flips-off the entire church! LOL.

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies.........



SCROLL DOWN . YOU'LL LOVE IT!



'No, but it shouldn't be long now.

I got her clothes yesterday!'

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... Write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals or looking for a loophole.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

' Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life.'
Because: 'Life is a journey to be savored'

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

Newsflash...
Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking in the woods near her Califonia home. Hospital sources report that the congresswoman is in stable condition doing fine. The snake was treated and relaesed but may require extensive therapy.









I just couldn't resist......

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

LOL! Brilliant!


BRILLIANT!

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You boys are BAD!!! :smack

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:toofunny

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I love Sarah's quote!

That's great!!!!

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread
 

:D I thought it was pretty funny!

Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread