Emotional Adultery
 

I've read AFF for several months and come now with a question to help my friend.


The friend and her husband are both Christians, UPC backgrounds. My friend's husband left his e-mail page open and she noticed several e-mails from him and another person, and read them. Turned out, the person was an ex-girlfriend of her husband's (one he had slept with). The ex-girlfriend had joined a group called "Classmates" because the reunion of their graduating class was coming up, and she saw my friend's husband was a member and contacted him.

Several e-mails went back and forth between my friend's husband and his ex-girlfriend. In one of the e-mails, my friend's husband said to his ex-girlfriend that she had been remarkable when he knew her, and felt she was probably even more amazing today. My friend talked about this with her husband, and he tried to downplay it, and said she was over-reacting.

Long story short, they've been talking about this entire situation. My friend feels her husband shouldn't stay in touch with this woman, or with other ex-girlfriends. She feels it's borderline emotional adultery. Her husband says he doesn't see any harm in it.

She wants to know why a man (especially one who is a Christian) would stay in touch with a former girlfriend (especially one he slept with). She is also wondering how other husbands and wives feel about this?

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

I would be very upset if my husband continued the correspondence. I would be upset about what had already been said.

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I've never been married, but I would quite possibly be upset too. Even more, if my husband knew something upset me and wouldn't stop, I would feel he didn't love me as a husband ought (as his own body). Eph 5:28-33
Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

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If the wife is uncomfortable with the situation, the husband should be willing to cut off communication with the ex-girlfriend. If he's not willing to stop the communication, the wife has her answer as to which relationship means more to her husband-- and should act accordingly. JMHO.

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Without knowing the context of the e-mail exchanges it would be hard to know what transpired between the two former lovers/classmates.

I can't see how this could be a good situation, no matter how you paint it.

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Emotions... many times cause us to err in any given field...I would have to know more to comment but it could lead to something serious...it depends on many things...

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How did he get married and not know women very well? He needs to cut it off. Nip it at the bud now

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We really don't know the content of the emails. I myself have talked 3 or 4 times over the past year and a half (on Facebook via emails) with my "ex". However I have NOT added her as a friend AND have told my wife about the few times we DID exchange messages. Also, the emails were very short (not 2 - 4 pages detailing everything that has happened since we last met).
We ended the relationship, many years ago, as good friends (which is rare when dating).

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To me it has never been about innocence or wrong doing. We have to protect our relationships with the person we made a vow. It is the appearance of wrong doing that we protect our relationships. We also do not know the heart or the motive of the person we are talking or engaging. Protecting my private and personal relationship with my wife is the foundation that everything else has been built.

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The guy is opening the door for trouble.Flirting online can lead to more.

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We don't know if it was "flirting" though...... It MAY have been as innocent as "How's the weather?".

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I'm sure the husband probably thinks it's harmless and that his wife is overreacting. And she may be. But if it upsets her badly, he should refrain out of his love for her, at least until she is calmer and they can openly discuss options (ie a mutual account open to both of them for exes). And he should be aware, she may be more upset about the way she found out (online, accidentally, rather than him talking to her beforehand about it) than anything.

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I know two people whose husbands wound up leaving them after attending a high school reunion and reconnecting with an old girlfriend.

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

Great post! I completely agree. :thumbsup

Whether anything inappropriate took place or not, if the conversation makes his wife upset or uncomfortable, the husband should be willing to discontinue it. Ultimately, his marriage is his most important relationship--or at least, it should be.

IF I asked my husband to stop talking to someone (I wouldn't do that without a good reason), and he refused, that would be very revealing about his mindset regarding our relationship. That would be more personally offensive than a slightly inappropriate comment or conversation, and it sounds like that might be the case in the scenario presented.

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

Bad, bad news.

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

I'm sorry, but you can't remain friends with someone you have slept with before. At least one person still wants more. Your friend's husband probably is just innocently talking to this woman, but he really should end the conversations. It is hurting his wife whether she says it is or not. How would he like it if his wife was talking to a man she used to have relations with, and on top of that didn't tell him about it until he found out himself?

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I missed the "slept with before" part. That would be a definite no-no, I don't care how "innocent" the conversation. (And now it sounds less innocent to me.)

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Bottom line, if the wife is uncomfortable with the communication between them, he should stop out of love and respect for his wife, if for no other reason.

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

I agree with most of the posts here ... you should end the correspondence if it makes your wife uncomfortable.

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Ah yes the quest to reclaim spent (or mis-spent) youth, I am close to someone who fell into that trap. though not a church person it still nearly wrecked a 40 year marriage.

My advice to the guy is run away. Innocent or not isn't the question. Some doors, once closed need to stay that way. And when one has someone to whom they've commited theirr life to, that is an open door that they don't want to shut, even partially.

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Whoa folks.....

Do you all realize that....

Texans or no Texans....

Preterists or Futurists....

Believe in Global warming or not.....

We have finally found something that the MAJORITY of us agree on!

Is this a record or what?

Whoo Hoo!

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

I think my wife is uncomfortable with my posting here. So....... :hmmm

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(J/K! :D)

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Oh, and just to make sure we don't have a unanimous view, here: I think he should leave his wife and go back to his old girlfriend.

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j/k!!!

:D :D :D

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Very in appropriate, period.

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Oh, Sis. Falla said the "s" word!

Too cute - - You couldn't even spell it out.

I'll say it for you - - STUPID!!!!!

Re: Emotional Adultery
 

The majority of the responses I have seen say he should just do whatever makes his wife happy and I'm sure this is true to some degree.

But if he is honestly telling her not to worry and nothing is going on then isn't the flip side that she should do what makes him happy and not worry about him and his ex?

In other words I think the whole argument that he is wrong unless he does what makes her happy in this situation doesn't follow. There isn't anything inherently wrong in sending an email to an ex that you are about to have a class reunion with. So to call what he is doing abuse is just absurd. There is nothing wrong with her worry either though.

Now, it is true that him wanting to stop contact voluntarily would be the best solution. But you can't make someone do something voluntarily and the more he is coerced into doing this the more negative effects will follow.

Ultimately I think she should stand her ground and remind him that it bothers her and that she would like him to stop having contact with his ex. Either he will be pushed to give up contact with the ex or he will finally convince her that there is nothing to worry about. Both of these solutions have negatives though but basically I don't think their relationship will work if she remains in worry about him talking to his ex.

But I'm 22 and not married so what do I know...

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Ah! Non-unanimity! Finally! :lol

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OK, semi-non-unanimity. :D

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It always amazes me that in most situations people are more concerned about what the other person should do than about what they should do. This can't be about what her husband should do. This has got to be about what she should do in response to his actions and so far I haven't seen anyone saying anything other than the husband should just quit.

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She definately needs to communicate how this is effecting her to her husband. If he will not end this relationship there is a serious issue. Perhaps she should recomend counseling. If he is unwilling, she should ask his honest intentions. If he intends on "investigating this new prospect" she should consider separation and perhaps dissolution or even divorce.

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..not much.

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So enlighten me :)

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When you've been married for a few years, get back to us with your educated opinion. :D

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So what was wrong with my analysis MissB?

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Well, I have a few years on you - - 54 years old - - was married 24 years and had a husband that found interests somewhere outside his committment, so I could bore you with all the details or you could just understand that experience is the best teacher.

I think many are missing this very important part:

"In one of the e-mails, my friend's husband said to his ex-girlfriend that she had been remarkable when he knew her, and felt she was probably even more amazing today".

This isn't your normal - can't wait to see how your life's been since HS graduation, meet your husband and see your kid's pictures.

He's opened a door with that one sentence. How the ex-girlfriend replied will determine the next step.

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As a married man, the bolded quote above is what's wrong with his continued communications with his ex whom he slept with.

The wife shouldn't give an inch on this. Were I in her position and it was my wife writing junk like this, we'd be having a talk and if she was as stupid as this guy and said I was just over-reacting ... we'd be having some counseling sessions. And if it continued or went further, I'd be visiting a lawyer.

You'll get wiser about this kind of thing once you're married...