Starting With Me
 

Do you ever use something outside the box to teach your kids lessons?

My son has been making decisions lately with no thought about consequences.

This morning a relatively minor, He was unloading the dishwasher and grabbed more glasses than he could reasonably handle. He looked at me and I shook my head and told him it wasn't a good idea. Sure enough he dropped and broke a glass. Yesterday he thought it would be funny to disrupt his class at school, again no thought about consequences. This isn't the first time and his teachers are ready to kill him (figuratively).

Last night and this morning we read Proverbs 1 and this morning my wife pulled up Jake Owens song, Starting With Me. It is a perfect example of the fool from Proverbs chapter 1 after making all the dumb choices in life and looking back and wishing he had done things different.

Hopefully he gets the idea that he doesn't want to end up looking back at his life with regrets.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Isn't this pretty normal for kids to go through? They have to learn the consequences for making bad choices sometimes before it sinks in.

Leading and teaching them is important, but sometimes it just doesn't "click" until it's applied by some dumb choice they make.

I know my kids heard "think, think, think" - - all the time, but until they didn't think and had to deal with the consequences did they understand what that meant.

I wouldn't call them regrets at this point -- just silly growing up pains!

Re: Starting With Me
 

Regrets is what we are trying to avoid. If I could put a muzzle on that boy it would avoid a lot of trouble. He hasn't learned there are appropriate times and ways to disagree with teachers. And sometimes the teachers are wrong.

I am ready to toss that kid in the ocean with a stone tied to him, isn't that what Jesus said to do?

Re: Starting With Me
 

Take a deep breathe!

I know it's tough, but if I was given a choice of a son with this problem and a kid that sat in the class and said nothing and was a follower - - I'd take your son in a heartbeat.

Guide and discipline him, but don't think it's the end of the earth. I promise, this kid's got a bright future!!

p.s. look in the mirror - - how close is he acting to how you were?

Re: Starting With Me
 

It's true I do want him to question and challenge, even when done correctly it is often not received well. The problems get exasperated when he does it with an attitude.

Hopefully he becomes a productive member of society.

Re: Starting With Me
 

He will.

I believe the scripture and the song will be something he'll look back on and remember.

You might not see the results immediately, but you are teaching.... it will slowly seep in.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Renda- great words of wisdom from someone who has been there, done that!

Re: Starting With Me
 

He will probably be a lawyer....ha....

He sounds normal to me...I raised a bunch of boys...

Re: Starting With Me
 

Oh my Lord, Baron!!! I feel your pain! I wanted to rename my daughter "Linus" for that cloud that followed him! LOL! I have never seen someone that could do so many things wrong, attract the most unsavory people, and always at the most inopportune times! LOL!

What I learned to do was to look past that and find her strengths. I had to force myself to do it because the things she messed up were so bad, it was hard to see the forest through the trees! LOL!

She is an awesome person and very accomplished. If not for that, I would have stayed in bed with the covers pulled over my head! She had to find out EVERYTHING for herself. EVERYTHING!!!

Now I look at her and I know that if something is going to get done and get done right, she is the person to call. Just get out of the way in the mean time. LOL!

Look for his strengths and you will find that grand child that you know you raised and are raising. If you don't do that, it will harm a part of him and your relationship as he is developing. You don't want to look back on that part when he's finally in his twenties and you have much more in common than you ever dreamed. Ask me, because I know.

I wish I could have seen the end from the beginning. I would have reacted so much differently! It was so much pressure, I almost could not bear up through it!

Today, it's all good. She's the ugly duckling turned into a swan. God is good!

Praying for you!

Re: Starting With Me
 

Raising children is so much more complicated than I ever dreamed it would be!

Re: Starting With Me
 

But, what a blessing too!

I cherish that my children still come to me for encouragement, advice and direction.

Now, I'm going to have that grandchild to spoil rotten and let them raise!!!!! :ursofunny

Re: Starting With Me
 

Being in the middle of it sure is tough.

Sometimes it does make you feel like a complete failure as a parent.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Great posts, Renda!

Some things kids need to learn through experiencing the consequences. Obviously, you don't want them to learn what it means to be hit by a car by letting them walk out in front of one! LOL!!! BUT, it can be good for them to learn that a broken glass (because of a failure to listen to good advice) means have to sweep it up--twice--and wipe up the floor with a damp paper towel, and maybe apologize to the mother who may be a little upset because of the loss of a pretty dish.

Some kids do have a strong will and really will only learn through experience. They not only learn to avoid a particular behavior, but if they heard a parent advise them otherwise first, they eventually learn to take advice. If they have that personality, it's best to allow them to experience in the small things, so hopefully they will listen about the big things.

Try arranging circumstances and natural consequences. Say once, "If you carry too many dishes, you're bound to break one." And when it breaks, point it out--this is the perfect time for an "I told you so." Make sure there are consequences attached--not punishment, but the natural consequence of the event. In this case, it's clean up. So the parents don't do the clean up. Well. Unless he's so little, he might cut himself. Supervise, and let him sweep at least. I would keep finding microscopic things that need to be swept up for at least 5 minutes. LOL!!!!!

I also agree with Renda that most kids go through phases like this...it's not totally unique, even though some have a stronger will than others.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Far, far from being a failure.

A failure wouldn't even be aware of the situation you are going through.

Continue doing as you are.......it will pass.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Yes sir, it certainly does!!!! When I see her on the platform worshiping with a sincere heart and a sensitivity to the Holy Ghost - it makes it all worth it! I try not to reflect back - it's just way too scary! LOL!

Re: Starting With Me
 

Correct on both counts.

It is a blessing, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm hoping to make it through alive. ;)

Re: Starting With Me
 

The dish really is minor. The attitude problems, screwing around in class, avoiding everything he is supposed to be doing...

The thing that really bugs me is when he has consequences and then does the same things again.

Re: Starting With Me
 

You don't know what true fear is until you have a teenager. Fear of all of the horrible consequences that could befall them because of bad choices. Fear that you totally stink as a parent, even though you particularly tried to do a good job.

Consequently, you have to truly learn what it means to trust God.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Yep.

Re: Starting With Me
 

This sounds as though you are talking about my 13 year old son. God bless you!

Re: Starting With Me
 

Sorry to tell you it only gets worse. He is 16. I think the thing that drives me nuts is he wants the privileges of an adult and still act like a child.

Re: Starting With Me
 

I think that is the most fearful thing - raising children.

But I had more fear raising a daughter than a son. Girls just cannot mess up and come out smelling like a rose. No one ever seems forget what a girl does wrong. :foottap

My daughter would say, "Why can't I go here or do that? My brother got to go and do.....?

I had to say, "You are a girl! You can't do the same things that boys are allowed to do!" LOL She never did get that!

This is very funny. Her Nutrionalist was doing a stress test on her. He wanted to find out what makes her relax the most because he told her that she works too hard and needs to find something to do, every day, that is relaxing.

After the test he found out that the most relaxing thing she can relate to is when she played football with her brother! LOL! Next was reading a book. LOL!

Re: Starting With Me
 

I can imagine that it gets worse but hopefully, like everyone else that has been there says - it will get better and we will make it through these tough stages.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Very normal for a 16 year old. 18 is just around the corner in their eye. LOL!

Re: Starting With Me
 

Lucky me, as soon as one gets through this age I have another right behind him. My daughter creates less havoc but I am sure that as she is almost 13 things are going to get interesting.

Re: Starting With Me
 

I'll never forget what my brother told my mother one time when he was about 16. He said, "one day I feel like an adult and the next day I feel like a kid."

I think the days they feel like a kid is when they act up trying to "hide" the fact they indeed are still a kid.

Does that make sense?

It's a confusing time for them too.

Re: Starting With Me
 

I remember going through so many emotional phases. It really is a difficult time.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Me, too.

And we had just managed to get one through these stages when the second came along. Now another one waiting in line to get his drivers license with all the fun that entails. Many evenings my husband and I just sit and look at each other with blank stares. ;)

You know why God made babies so adorably cute, right? It's so the human race would not come to a screeching halt. :D

Re: Starting With Me
 

I would not be that age again for ANYTHING.

Re: Starting With Me
 

It's weird but for me the hardest ages for my daughter were from about 8 to 11 or so. I always say that was the time when I just wanted to lock her in her room and just slip her food under the door! lol

It seemed like every time she opened her mouth she said the absolute wrong thing and everything she did was silly or sneaky. I was afraid to take her out in public or let her go off without me, you never knew what the child would say! My best friend though it was hilarious to get her off and let her start talking. She would call me and just be dying with laughter over something (lie or just silliness) my daughter had said. I would be mortified.

I would have never believed that she would transform in to the adolescent/teenager/adult that she did, and there lies the moral of what I am trying to say to you. NO matter what the age is that your child starts going through their awkward/troubled phase, the only option you have is to continue being the best parent you know how to be.

Continue saying and doing all of the things that you know are right, even if it feels pointless and like it is going NO WHERE. Absolute commitment to be a parent, to be strong and consistent in what you say and expect, no matter how many times you have to repeat the same lesson, is the only way, IMO.

I understand your reaction to the school problems, that was something that was so important to me as a parent. I always told my daughter, if her teacher/youth group leader/insert adult authority figure, told her to do something, unless it was morally wrong or put her in danger, she better do it.

If there was a real issue or problem with what was being instructed, then she could bring it to me later and we would deal with it together. And I made sure that I backed that up with her, there were a few times that I did go to school with her and demand accountability in the situation, but I wanted her to know that she had to respect authority first, and then try to fix the problem second.

Maybe not everyone would agree with that, but I think if a persons first inclination is to challenge authority, they are in for a rocky ride in life, from their relationships, to jobs and on down.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Excellent!!! Good post!!! I see you have been where I have been! LOL!

Re: Starting With Me
 

We are true "soul" sisters! LOL! :thumbsup

Re: Starting With Me
 

:thumbsup :friend

Re: Starting With Me
 

I'll have to first say that I am by no means as experienced as some of the parents who have already said things here, since my son is still a baby.:) However, what worked for me and what I would recommend is exposing him to the concept of consequences outside of the relatively minor and temporary consequences that he experiences at his age.
Being exposed to and talking to people who were suffering extreme and permanent consequences because of years of escalating bad decisions made a huge impact on me. It's kind of like I was living in a bubble where since my consequences were so minor my bad decisions seemed minor.
Having people (outside of my parents) who were living with bad consequences be honest with me about how they got there, and recognizing that their first steps kind of mirrored mine got me thinking big picture.
Equally important, having people who were living with great consequences and the type of life that I wanted telling me what they were doing at my age was a motivation.
I'll be praying for you all and I am so convinced that your wife and you are such great parents that I know he will be fine.

Re: Starting With Me
 

Baron.... you did not respond to Renda's last line here. lol :foottap :ursofunny

You'll make it! It sounds like to me that your son has a good example to follow. Keep leading!!! He'll ultimately follow.

BeenThinkin