Backslid husband
 

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

Re: Backslid husband
 

You should probably post this in the fellowship hall or the prayer room. This room is for discussing doctrine

Re: Backslid husband
 

sorry , i am new here, not sure where everything goes....

backslid husband (moved)
 

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

Re: backslid husband (moved)
 

Little Wife and Mother,
HOLD ON!! Sending PM!!
HUGS,
Falla39

Re: Backslid husband
 

Brittany,
Someone has moved this for you!:nod

Re: backslid husband (moved)
 

You have made a good start- praying.

My recommendation is to start communicating with your husband - and I will warn you right up front that will most likely not be an easy task. It will take time and perseverance because he will be very reluctant to discuss anything of importance to him or that makes him feel challenged. Also, any discussion that moves beyond the, "Everything is alright. (I don't want to talk about it.)" stage will be emotionally charged. Loud voice, more cursing, etc.)

I would suggest you not to discuss 'the need to be in church', that will only reinforce his silence and push him further into his current position.

Rather, search for the root cause in his change in behavior. What happened at church (event, preaching, personal conflict, etc.) that caused his upset. Don't try to cover everything at one setting - just take one or two subjects (at the most) at a time. No shot gun attack.

Is he convicted about something he did that he is ashamed of and can't get back 'right' with God? Has he sinned against you and God? Guilt can also have a profound effect on a man and his behavior.

While I have offered a couple of approaches,I would also strongly recommend that you seek council from one or more close lady friends at church. Perhaps one or more of them have husbands who are (were) friends with your husband before he started skipping church. Seek a mature saint to met with you husband outside of the church and home environments, where quite and confidential discussions can take place (emotional safety is critical).

The root causes almost always fall into one of the following categories:

I have sinned and don't know how to get out of it (can't get forgiven, will I be found out, etc.).

I feel pressured to do things I don't want to do (nagging by spouse, pastor, etc.) such as attending every service just because the church doors are open, being made guilty for not attending church work days, not giving enough, etc.

I don't believe the things that are being preached at church (disputes over doctrine, performance requirements, etc.).

And, while it may be a little bit of all of these things, it might something else altogether - so before going into any confrontation, seek some godly advice (face to face interviews with mature saints). I would also not involve the pastor, until you can rule him and/or his teaching out as the root cause(s).

These internet counseling efforts might actually cause more harm than good - so, again, seek out someone you know and trust and talk it over with them before doing anything.

---------

Added comment - I would think Falla will have better advice than mine. Go with her first.

Re: backslid husband (moved)
 

This is some pretty good advice. :thumbsup

To me, your story indicates a marriage problem that is being translated into a church problem. My advice is to work on your marriage first, as it is more important than your relationship with the church. Once you get answers to question as mentioned by HaShaliach above, you'll have a better idea how you need to respond. Good luck!

Re: backslid husband (moved)
 

Yep, good advice from the man's point of view.

Re: Backslid husband
 

How did y'all get a marriage problem out of her post? And why put that kind of guilt on her?

Re: Backslid husband
 

Cindy I don't think anyone is suggesing putting guilt on her. The problem comes from a partner who is running away from God, which always causes a problem, whether married or single, no one turns away from God and improves their life.

If I decide today that I am going to quit going to church and begin to be the Lord of my own life, it will cause problems in my marriage, regardless of my wives attitude. In Christ we have a great marriage (not perfect, but really good), if one of us were to become seperated from Christ it would be extremely damaging to our marriage, regardless of the other partners devotion to God. I do believe that there can be an "innocent party".

Re: Backslid husband
 

There certainly isn't enough details given to given any intelligent advice outside of hypotheticals.

Having said that, being out of the UPC for as long as I have but still remembering the culture like it was yesterday, I do pick up on certain key words. Church attendance and appearances play SUCH a huge role if neither are measuring up then one is thought to be "backslid". I would ask anyone in such similar situation as the poster, man or woman, would you accept going to a different church if it meant you spouse was actually willing to GO to church? The parallel question is, do you care about your spouses walk with God or do you care more about appearances in wanting to be seen with them by people you know as the happy family unit that you so desire?

Just responding to a scenario as it may appear in a text book.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I would think if he has become verbally abusive and cursing at her, that shows something that most Christians don't do, I hope. Did it happen before or after he stopped going to church. I can understand not wanting to be at church alone, I attended for many years without my husband. It is hard.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I picked up on that detail as well. But who really believes that this is an issue with church attendance? The lack thereof is no doubt the result not the cause of the other, bigger issues.
Again, all of this theorizing is nothing more then talking about a hypothetical since we know virtually nothing about the situation.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that you assume the best about your husband. Assume that he is simply of a different frame of mind than you. An occasional drink does not mean an alcoholic. Some verbal abuse and cursing, although hurtful, may simply be frustration on his part. Just as we need to have faith in God, try to have faith in your husband. Do not judge him. You might be surprised that he may not be as wrong as you may think. Try to see his point of view. Respect his opinion more than you respect your pastors and see him begin to open up. I hope he is not going to turn for the worse. But, belief in him can only help the situation.

Re: backslid husband (moved)
 

WISE ADVICE!!!

His lashing out may not be related to the new drinking patterns, but the two may be related to something else. (When he drinks, is he getting drunk everytime?)

Re: Backslid husband
 

Verbally abusiveness? That has got to put a stress on a relationship. I'm not sure thats putting guilt on her though. Why would you say it's putting guilt on her?

Re: Backslid husband
 

She posted a problem as she saw it as a spiritual problem on her husband's part. Then it was suggested maybe it was the marriage that was the problem instead.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Then again, maybe it's not the marriage or the husband. Maybe it's the church.

(I kind of suspect it is since she feels inferior and unloved just because her husband doesn't attend.)

Re: Backslid husband
 

Many years ago, a well-meaning older lady advised me that if I would go to another
church, she thought my husband would probably go more regularly with me. I knew
that our going to the church my father had founded, just prior to our marriage, was
NOT the probem. We did not go elsewhere.

The thing about it was, although this dear lady, who was raised in the church and
raised her children in church, did not have a child living for God. Still doesn't. She
is deceased as of about a year ago. This was in another city.

If you are going to advise someone else, be sure you have some fruit
hanging from the branches of your own "tree", life!

It is hard to take others to places (physically or in experiece), we have not been
ourselves. Can't relate. I can learn from what I have seen others go through without
going through it myself. But as far as relating to where they have been or what they
went through, we can't. We may sympathize but we cannot emphasize !

Many times since those early days, with all of our children and grandchildren
and great great-grandchild, in church, my darling of 51 yrs has told me! "You know,
your Dad really raised me. I was such a kid! Immature, headstrong! I am SO
GLAD WE STAYED"! We both lived and learned together, with the help of
our parents, grandparents, and most of all, OUR GREAT LORD GOD!!!

Just some thoughts!

Falla39

Re: Backslid husband
 

VERY well said.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Many years ago, some well meaning church people told me some things too and I listened. I really thought they were right. Many years later, I found out they weren't.

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples that ye have LOVE for one another. Not judgment, not church attendance, not certain clothes. Love.

If you don't feel love and compassion, think twice.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I believe with all my heart that it is nearly always good for a young couple to leave their parents church and branch out. It is just another part of leaving the nest. It is one thing if you don't do this because their is no other obvious place to go but quite another if it is the mother-in-law wanting to keep her baby close to her.
The best thing we ever did was travel across the country a few years after getting married. Prior to that we walked out of my wife's church partially because of long deep family politics (hers) but mainly because of the pastors ridicules teachings on marital sex and procreation.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I didn't know about other people but I knew my godly parents had our best interest
at heart. I didn't know about others. Many of the ones that labored among us, in the
past, lost their way. Thankfully my parents didn't follow. Jesus said that His sheep knew
His Voice and followed HIm. They would not listen to a "stranger's voice". Those that are
truly following the Voice of the True Shepherd (Jesus) will hear His Voice and follow HIM.

Those who follow a man will change when he changes directions. Those that are
following the Voice of The Good Shepherd, will not follow a man that is NOT following
after Christ! They will keep walking with the Good Shepherd! Many have and are changing
from the direction they once traveled in. Time will tell who they were following!

Not to be offensive!

Falla39

Re: Backslid husband
 

Nice. A "plug" for standards.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, bcriswell. :hug3 There are some great thoughts posted on this thread, and you're not the first woman (or man) to experience this. Ultimately, you know your husband better than any of us, so everything on this thread should be taken with a grain of salt. None of us can tell you what is exactly right; we can share advice based on years of observation and personal experience.

My thoughts:

1. In your marriage your love for one another is [supposed to be] unconditional. I think you need to reassure your husband that you love him no matter what he chooses and that he doesn't have the ability to push you away by not attending church. Don't twist his arm about church attendance. Be his wife who loves him the same as you always have.

2. Other people have no right to interfere in this dynamic, unless you ask them to. Don't talk to multiple people about anything your husband is struggling with. He needs to know that he can trust you with whatever it is he is going through, and that you will protect him and his reputation. Don't share with his friends, family or fellow (former) churchgoers that he's drinking, cussing or being verbally abusive. If someone asks you what is going on, smile and say something vague like, "Oh, he'll be alright; he's having a bit of a struggle right now, but we're working through it together. Just keep him in your prayers." If you do talk to someone in depth, make sure you talk to them about YOUR struggles and not his.

3. I Peter 3:1-2 In the same way you wives must submit yourselves to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word,
...because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.

4. Set aside time each day and each week to spend with your husband, just the two of you, like a date. It isn't about getting him to go to church with you; it's just about reminding him that you love him and he's important to you whether he goes to church with you or not.

5. Listen a lot more than you talk. If he does decide to share why he's upset or his reasons for not going to church, just listen. Don't argue; don't advise; just listen. When he's finished, give him a hug and a kiss. Tell him that you're glad that after all this time, you two are still friends and can talk about things you can't share with anyone else. And drop it. Then ask if he wants to go grocery shopping with you or something equally mundane.

You aren't required to endure any kind of verbal abuse, but don't overreact to it, either, if this is out of the norm for him. My advice would be *zero response.* A quiet (NOT mean) look, no response, and go wash the dishes. And don't slam the plates on the cabinet or throw silverware into the sink to show that you're upset. Forgive him in your heart immediately and that will remove the pressure you feel to let him "know" that you're hurt or upset.

My mother used to tell me to let people hear themselves. If they're being ugly, be quiet and let them be ugly by themselves. They know they're being hurtful, and they will be more likely to come around later and be sorry for it if you don't participate.

In the meantime, continue to talk to God, pray for your husband, read your Bible and do the things you know are right unapologetically, but not defiantly. And don't choose a time to pray or read your Bible when you know your husband needs or wants your attention. To put it bluntly, don't decide to sit in bed and read your Bible at night when you know your husband wants to get frisky, kwim? Don't be defiant about going to church on Sunday morning; be warm and casual. Kiss your husband on the cheek and say, "I'll be back around 11:30; is there anything special you'd like for lunch?"

Last but not least, don't rule out the possibility of attending church elsewhere if your husband suggests it. If you find out that he is terribly dissatisfied or upset with your church for some reason, then ask him if there's somewhere else he'd prefer to attend. IMO, it would be better for him and better for your marriage to go somewhere he likes than to not go at all. You owe your husband more loyalty than you owe your pastor or friends. :thumbsup

Re: Backslid husband
 

It also shows a problem in the marriage

Re: Backslid husband
 

I don't see any reason why a young couple should leave their parents church unless there is mitigating circumstances like what you mention here. If the church is a good church, has a great church family and support structure and Pastor, why not take advantage of it?

Re: Backslid husband
 

Are you referring to a husband or church leader? IMO, a wife should still love and follow her husband even when he is an unbeliever, with the exception of participating in sin.

Re: Backslid husband
 

Let me say, thanks for all your post. However, though every marriage has their spurts, ours didn't begin until my husband left the church. You see, I live in an area, where they are maybe 1, 2 if you are blessed apostolic churches in a 30 mile radius of one another, so jumping from church to church is definitely not a source of resolve. Our problem however lies in the fact that my husband came from a church in MS, where his uncle is pastor, and I was born into a church where my uncle is now pastor, when we married my husband left his church in MS. Though both churches are apostolic, founded on apostolic principles and Biblical truth---my husband finds fault in the way certain members of our church conduct themself when they aren't in the church, or the way some certain issues aren't dealt with from the pulpit, when it could possibly be that they are dealt with behind closed doors. Anyways, I have often told my husband, since we aren't or never have been in a vital part of the ministry of our church it is not our place to say anything, and it isn't. I think if there are problems with certain individuals it should be dealt with by the Pastor, not other members. With that being said, he pretty much thinks my church isn't good enough so that justifies him not going. I love him unconditionally, no doubt. But I do not believe my relationship with him is above my relationship with God. I'm not going to be standing in front of my husband on judgment day, but I will be standing before God. My husband is a completely different person now that he is out of church, so that is where the strain on the marriage comes in at. I'm sure that I have caused some of this too, but it's hard when you know you're supposed to be submissive to your husband but in the back of your mind you know that he isn't leading your family under the submission of the Holy Ghost or the will of God, but rather his carnal ways of thinking. It's hard to be supportive of my husband, when I know who he used to be and who he has become. He is giving money to beer and lottery and not the kingdom of God. :( I appreciate everyones post, and as someone mentioned, no one here knows my exact situation so i should take post with a grain of salt. Surely, God will bring my husband back to a place of conviction and repentance.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I don't know who you are, but I will be praying for you!!

I know for a fact this man loves you. How do I know? He married you! You are the mother of his child! I don't know what is going on in his life for him to all of a sudden act differently, but it sounds like to me he needs you now more than ever.

In my own marriage I have learned that 100% of our name calling and yelling is just because one person is pressured with life and taking it out on the other, and the other person is defending themself. (I am no angel either :largehalo) We went through a REALLY rough spot there for a while after about 2 years of marriage. I didn't think we were going to survive it. It just happened to coincide with many life altering problems.

Then all of a sudden one day, it got better. Please don't try to judge him too harshly, he may just be faced with some issues that he is not confiding in you about.

Re: Backslid husband
 

I was referring to a man leading a flock! I do agree that a wife needs to
love and do all she can to be the wife and mother she should be, with,
as you said, the exception of partcipating in sin.

BUT I believe that GOD MUST BE # ONE in our lives to be the best we can
be. Wife, Mother, saint of God. With me, it was a process! We don't come full blown
and full grown, as my late father used to say!

Falla39

Re: Backslid husband
 

I don't mean this in a critical way but it sounds as though the church he came from was a very very strict church. Don't blame yourself or anyone for that matter as blame never really helps but usually just hurts.

Important is not to nag him over it or constantly raise the issue if he is not receptive. That will just make things worse

Re: Backslid husband
 

I think the advice and the attitude reflected by Miss Bratfield's post is very positive and will lead to healing.

God is married to the backslider.

Please don't give in to the temptation to look at your marriage as either God or him. That view is not biblical, IMO.


Of course, I'm not married and I also give great advice on rearing other people's children. Of course, I don't have any children of my own!
:thumbsup

Re: Backslid husband
 

Odd enough, the issue of my husband backsliding rarely comes up... I don't pressure him with it, we hardly even ever talk about it.... I just think some of the problems we have and how he lives now is a result of him not being involved in the church like he once was....

Re: Backslid husband
 

Excellent advice, Miss B. You show exactly how to RESPECT the husband, even if there is disagreement. Respect is so important, and commanded by the Bible for Christians.

Re: Backslid husband
 

And it is possible that it isn't being dealt with at all and your husband's perceptions are correct.

You seem to feel he is justifying himself as if he has something to defend, when, perhaps, he is right that the church isn't healthy.

Certainly, you need to answer to God. Miss B layed out an excellent position for the woman who needs to answer to God but disagrees with her husband.

Is he completely different? Or do you more see him as different now that he is not attending church?

I think you are making a logical leap by saying that since your husband isn't attending church, he is not leading your family but is being carnal. Perhaps he is trying to lead and you are not listening. Are you willing to make any compromises? Must he attend the church you want, and be a total teetotaller? Are you accusing him of sinning because he is not doing what you want him to do?

If your husband is being totally irresponsible, refusing to pay bills, getting drunk and verbally abusive, you have a problem. If he has a drink now and again, pays the bills, buys a lottery ticket on occasion but doesn't attend church because he disagrees with some things, it is you who is judging him. Be careful, you may be out of God's will yourself.

Re: Backslid husband
 

ILG,
I do not mean this to be offensive, but what else would you expect from
someone who has quit going to church themselves. Just blame the church!

The enemy of our souls loves to isolate young couples from family and from
church. Those who pray for them and those to who have their best interest
at heart.

I know of a young couple right now that slowly but surely, the enemy has
been working on. I believe the church (God) is their only hope!). The enemy
likes to make young couples feel they would be so much happier and things
would be better IF they just quit going to church. After all he is going around
as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

I personally do not believe that leaving the church, or changing churches
right now is the answer. My dear old pastor father used to say, "Just sit
steady in the boat". :thumbsup

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not unto thine own under-
standing. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE SHALL direct thy paths.

The road of life is not a smooth easy , never no problems, walk. But it is a
road of ups and downs, but we don't have to walk it alone. There is ONE who
will not only walk WITH us, but will walk IN us. Going where we go, and being
whereever we are.

Falla39

Re: Backslid husband
 

Now, RandyWayne, you might believe with all your heart anything, but that
does not make it so. If we had not had those who went before us to love and
encourage us, and advise and help us, I don't know where we would be today.
Because of those connected to God and each other, generation to generation,
we are going into our 6th generation of continuing apostolic truth.

I'm not talking about cookie cutter style, all being just alike, but living and
loving GOD and each other. And because of the LOVE of GOD being shed
abroad in our hearts BY THE HOLY GHOST, we continue!

Yes, you and your sweet wife may enjoy traveling, etc., just enjoying life as
YOU choose, but there will come a day when you are gone, what will be left
to show you ever lived. I know people that when they are gone, their lineage
is over. Their name, for the most part will end. My parents live on in the hearts,
minds and memories of their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, who
now number well over 100 descendants. Yes, they live on.

They live on in our community where this couple, led and planted by God, over
50 yrs ago, came and stayed and raised their family, all eleven of their children
graduating from the local high school, several with high honors.

They live on in the hearts of others who joined them and their family in the
vineyard, planted the year their 11th child was born. Now over 50 yrs later
this vineyard is a refuge to many of his own family, plus others who came to
work in HIS VINEYARD. He never claimed it as his own, but the LORD'S!

Jesus said "Every plant that my Father hath not planted shall be rooted up".
Plants/trees that bear no fruit are usually pulled up.

The Bradford pear tree, in the spring, with its beautiful blossoms, is beautiful
to look at for a little while! But as far as being good for fruit, forget it. Little
knobby pears, not good for anything, brittle branches that break off and make
a mess. The roots cause plumbing (internal) problems, etc. But you look at that
knobby old Bartlett pear tree, bowed down, BUT laden with lucious, juicy fruit,
bearing over and over, year after year.

Yes, RandyWayne, just seperate the family, isolate them from the church, etc.
You may believe that with all of YOUR heart, but you will never convince me!
We've seen the proof!!:thumbsup GOD and FAMILY, traveling down the PATH of LIFE,
together! Yes, the children of Israel traveled together, but there were always
some in the company that stirred up rebellion, but not all of them did!

Prov.4:18
But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto
the perfect day.

Falla39

See there, RW, you have gone and pushed another button!!
But I still love you!:nod

Re: Backslid husband
 

It's obvious that you are passionate about the Apostolic faith that was handed down to you. That's a good thing. When someone is confident that they have all the truth, it's very easy to be dismissive of other's perspective. I challenge you to listen to your husband and TRY to see things and understand from his perspective.

As mentioned before and by others, your marriage is more important than that particular church body. God first, family second, and church third.

I pray things work out for you.