Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Most of you know that I am unexpectedly expecting my first child (a little girl!) due in June. Most of you are also aware that my husband is an Atheist.

It never bothered me that he was an Atheist. When we were dating, we were both comfortable in our personal beliefs with no desire to influence the other.

I confess that I may have potentially been concerned about the difficulties differing beliefs could incur, had I believed that we would ever have children together or that it was even a remote possibility, I was supposedly barren!

My husband and I have had several discussions about ways that we could respectfully represent both of our beliefs, in such a way that when she is older she will be able to make her own choice.

However, where we struggle is in those formative years how to do we address her questions, or the fact that depending on who she asks she will get far different answers.

Any input?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

VERY complex situation.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Is your husband an aggressive and active atheist, or more towards that of an agnostic?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Compromise: raise her your way. :lol

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Avoiding questions and then leaving children to their own choice when they are old is sort of cruel -- and impossible. Your faith will be evident in the way you see the world around you. And of course, if you attend a church, that's an obvious point.

Does your husband care if the child is raised in the Christian faith?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

He's not aggressive. I could have never dated him if he was, not after my bad experiences in church. (A fundamentalist is a fundamentalist!)

But he is very sure and confident in his belief that there is no God. Just as sure and confident that I am that there is. We are both respectful of each others beliefs, and have hearty discussions, but our goal is never to try and change the other person.

:heeheehee

We don't intend to avoid the questions, we both want to respectfully present our views. The problem is, you can do that with an older child, you can't with a toddler!

I do not currently attend church. And I don't necessarily have plans too in the future. I live in a small town in the Bible belt and the most liberal of church to be found here, would be way too conservative for me.

My husband did say that if she was interested in learning more about any faith or attending any kind of religious service, he would be more than willing to attend with her, because he prizes intellectual curiosity and discovery.

I was not raised in any kind of church or in any kind of belief.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Yeah... he might not be aggressive... but he certainly isn't passive. :)

Well it will help if you are going to church because, if she wants to go with you, then she can learn about God and having a relationship with Him in those ways. Also... there is no greater teacher than example. If your child sees you living for God then she will learn from that as well.

With or without a mixed faith marriage... seeing the love of God and the Word of God active in your life is the best teacher there is.

But... to boil it down to the brass tacks of it all... Were I to find myself in a similar situation I would do all I could to keep trouble to a minimum because that is simply wise and will be the most productive. But, having said that, my child would learn about God, His Word, His Ways and how to have a relationship with Him and nobody would stop or hinder that.

There is nothing more important in my mind. If someone didn't want me to feed my child until they learned what kind of food they liked... I'd find a way to feed that child.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Ha! That was funny on facebook. He actually thought you were being aggressive. Until I pointed out to him that you were posting on MY page not HIS and you know that I am a Christian.

The fact that I am extremely laid back (some may prefer luke warm ;) ) may actually make this situation a little easier. I believe in God, and I believe Jesus is Him. I think Jesus is a great example to us, and how we should live our lives. However, I don't know where I stand on church, I have serious issues with the Bible (as a literal source or "word of God"), and I'm pretty liberal when it comes to the concept of salvation, and I don't think I believe in a literal hell.

I guess some of that is obvious. Which is why I'm not worried about my husbands spirituality or lack there of.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

You sound a lot like those in the book "They Like Jesus but Not the Church."

The thing is, those who like Jesus, should concern themselves what he says. Not embracing one part to the exclusion of many others. The call to discipleship is not a passive one.

This situation has no easy solution (which is why being "unequally yoked" is a challenge in the first place). I wouldn't worry much about your husband's atheistic influences -- since believing in God is a pretty evident thing, something that takes great faith for someone to say they are certain there is no God. The lack of unity in the home on faith is more of the issue. Your child will need discipleship, which usually comes from parents who are also following Jesus. Surrounding your child with a community of believers, which is how the entire Gospel works itself out, and how it is effective, is critical. Otherwise, Christianity is a pluralistic religion of preference that involves little Calling, and accessorizes one's Facebook profile (religion:).

I would sincerely pray about this situation. Pray that God gives you wisdom -- and that God would help you along the way as well. You will definitely need the help of the Holy Spirit in this.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Mich - not a task I would want to take on, or recommend, but once you've taken it on, well, you've taken it on. :D

My thoughts would be:

Start with what you know. What you stated above is a great place to start, and your husband should respect your right as a mother to pass along these ideas to your child. At the same time, your husband will have that same right to present his opposing views. When your children are little, they are less prepared for a non-unified front, so you need to find points you can agree on and present those. If, for example, your husband believes that the teachings of Jesus, whether He be God or simple prophet, are at least applicable and beneficial, you can start with that common ground.

As your child gets older, they should hear both sides and then be encouraged to find the answers by looking at other resources, including the Bible. At the very least, the Bible is a fine piece of literature with historical accounts, prose and poetry and insight into ancient cultures. Reading the Bible should be encouraged on those points alone.

Your husband should keep himself open to new ideas, too. If he wants to produce a child who is open-minded, curious and interested in exploration, then he must also be open to exploration of ideas, including the idea that there is a God, or common divine source of humanity.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Miss B - I appreciate your thoughts.

My husband and I have had several very productive conversations about morals, ethics and character. One of the things that is very apparent (in fact I would not have been attracted to his person in the first place if it were not so). Is that we share many of the same ideals, though we may have differing reasoning behind them.

In fact, I have to admit that he often puts me to shame in some areas. Because he is a secular humanist, and he believes that all mankind has is each other, he feels a very strong burden to ease the plight of his fellow man.

We have had many talks about Jesus, the man, and there is definitely some agreement there as to his teachings and characters. The disagreement of course comes in when you step into the divine realm.

On the bright side we have an awesome relationship. I know that he finds the idea that there is some super power creator who is in charge of everything to be ludicrous, and he knows that I find that there is no one in charge of the universe to be depressing and terrifying!

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Michlow - how was your husband raised? This would be relevant to my advice.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

He attended a baptist church in his middle school / early high school years. He was apparently very into it at one time. I know he mentioned a missions trip that he went on to Alaska where he helped build a church.

The rest of his family is what I would consider to be liberal lapsed Christians (much like myself). His younger brother is the only one that occasionally attends church, though according to my husband that's just to "pick up chicks".

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I knew I had started a thread on this topic sometime in the past! (I didn't realize it was before Avery was born though!).

So my husband and I had a "heated discussion" regarding this topic the past weekend. Because even though we are both on the same page as for letting her make her own informed decision, there is still the question as to how to handle her toddler/childhood years.

His idea is that neither of us say anything for now. My objection is that me not saying/teaching anything is basically passively teaching his beliefs. But at the same time, I feel like if we are both bombarding her with "There's a God. No there's not." it would almost be worse than me just keeping quiet.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Given your circumstances and beliefs... is there a Unitarian Universalist church near you? Perhaps you could get some counsel from the pastor and maybe attend. They are VERY open to all expressions of faith... even atheism. They specialize in synthesis and harmony between people of different belief systems.

Has your husband explored a spirituality called "Pantheism"? Essentially pantheists are "spiritual atheists" that see the universe that we live in as being the only "god" what we have. Life on earth is the only conscious life we have and there isn't an invisible sky palace with an invisible king in the heavens. They do believe that existentially we live on after death. However, they believe that we live on in the memories of those that we love and our bodies break down and become one with the cycle of nature. Therefore, one's molecules may one day be part of a waterfall, a mighty oak, a field of grass, eaten by an eagle and assemilated into the eagle's being. Thus... we are reborn in these very things, though "consciousness" is a state of being that ends at death. They generally have a high regard and reverence for nature, science, and humanity. While they don't pray (seeing that they dont' have a god), some meditate.

Here's a link to a website expressing their beliefs:

http://www.pantheism.net/

Here's a link to a Unitarian Universalist organization:

http://www.uua.org/

I'm not necessarily promoting the organizations found at these links. I'm just trying to help.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

In your situation, I would just teach moral, ethical and charitable giving/sharing/caring behavior while a toddler. then when the child is grown, arguments for and against the existence of God and the purpose of church/worship(even though ethical living is the greatest worship). Children's bible stories/bible as literature might be a good way to influence in a godly direction without outright affirmation until she is old enough to decide for herself.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

The Pantheism site, lead me to an interesting quiz: Are You Atheist, Agnostic, Pantheist, Deist, Pagan or what?

My results were: 100% Panentheist and 95% Regular Monotheist.

As I have never heard of Panentheist (the "en" being an extremely important distinction), I headed over to wikipedia. I recognized a few things, it made mention of Open Theism (I've read several things by Greg Boyd on this subject,) and universal reconciliation, which I believe to a certain extent. And opened up a fascinating area of "Process Theology" for future study

I love it when I find new names to call myself, LOL

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

100% Naturalistic Pantheist, which makes sense, I suppose, given the info in Antipas's post (interesting stuff, btw!). But it also gives me 53% for Regular Monotheist, and I have no idea how I got there. And 0% Agnostic?! What the?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Well then perhaps you are both Panentheists and will NOT have to raise your child in a divided home. :)

I have a great friend who is UU... one of the most balanced and completely decent people I know. I myself have looked at Unity (a Christian church with a universalist lean) because there is one local.

I do think that children who are raised without some kind of religious indoctrination are rarely able to see the need for religion later in life. It seems to be a pretty easy leap from one religion to another but the complete lack of religion in youth seems to make it of no importance later in life. So if you have any desire for your child to wind up religious you might want to get some early training in, in some kind of faith system.

Christianity comes with it's own culture and even language and in my experience seems very alien to those without any early exposure. Just something to think about.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Mich... is there a God? If no, then you would be foolish to indoctrinate your child(ren) into a false belief system.

If there is, don't you think it would be necessary to let her know about that?

I feel for you, you are indeed in a difficult situation.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Panentheist (100%)
Regular Monotheist (90%)
Deist (77%)
Dualist Pantheist (72%)
Literal Pagan / New Age / Animist (63%)
Idealist Pantheist (59%)
Agnostic Pantheist (47%)
Atheist / Secular Humanist (29%)
Naturalistic Pantheist (29%)
Agnostic (0%)


Hummmm.....

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I got the 0% Agnostic too, and I have an answer for it! It's because we are no-it-all's....no "it can't be known" for us! :heeheehee

I was raised with very little, we went to a Christian Science Sunday school for a few years when I was maybe 6ish? And I feel like having so little instruction left me open to believing the first thing I came upon.

That is exactly the problem! He believes the first and doesn't want her indoctrinated, and I believe the second that there is a God, and even though I am "soft" on a lot of the salvational/Biblical/Doctrinal things, ultimately I do believe that we are stronger, happier, and more complete in our attempt to enter into relationship with God. And I do feel a burden to share that with my child.

Ultimately, we love each other, and our daughter very much, and I am still idealistic to believe that somehow love with conquer all :)

Though, I think it's a good idea that if you are going to have a child with someone who doesn't share your faith that you discuss this and decide what you are going to do ahead of time.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

:highfive

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I believe that your family should attend a Unitarian church. They will be open to your husband's atheism and teach ethics that will enrich his life. It will also allow you to explore your own faith. In this environment your daughter will experience a unity and diversity that will ultimately allow her to decide what spiritual path is best for her in her future.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I've looked at a few churches like that, this one for example: http://www.unity.org/ and perused their website, they listed quite a bit of information in the "our philosophy" section. This is what they had to say about Jesus And that makes me feel generally unpleasant. (especially because of some of the key words are used by the Christian Science branch of my family)

Actually, I think the perfect church for me would be a progressive Christian one, that deals more with relational Christianity and personal faith, and the Kingdom of God (in the here and now) and not focused on heaven/hell/afterlife stuff.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Diciples of Christ seems to sort of fit that.

http://www.disciples.org/

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I've found Unitarianism refreshing seeing that many of my experiences are not accepted within the bounderies of Christianity.

Also, there may be an element of divine truth found in all religions. Each religion has filtered this message through it's cultural bias and language, as clearly seen in their "holy books" and their contradictions. Men are imperfect vessels, yet God still chooses to work through us. While Jesus is "the Christ of God"... others such as Buddah, Mohammed, Krishna, etc. are teachers, "prophets", or ascended masters that revealed important aspects of God. One must read between the lines of cultural bias and language to truly grasp the truths inherent in each spiritual path.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGEmlPjgjVI
MeChurch.....cause it's all about me. :nod

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I do like that it said this on their website "Our unity is discovered in Jesus Christ not in structures or theological agreement"

I also feel comfortable with their mission, vision and confession. AND amazingly enough there is one located in my town.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I actually agree with the majority of what you said. And when it comes to my intellectual and philosophical approach to spirituality, I like to think that this is the way I approach it. And I would love to be part of a ecumenical study or discussion group.

But (and this goes beyond the scope of my original intention of starting this thread), when it comes to the practicing of my faith, in my personal walk, I find that I am wanting something more on the Christian spectrum (but definitely on the progressive and liberal side).

Keep in mind that I have been unchurched for 6 years, and in the last 4-5 years have been largely removed from any of the trappings of Christianity.

I would actually love to hear more of your background (i'm not sure when you joined the forum and if we had any interactions prior to my departure in 2007-2008ish), and your current understandings of faith. (we can either way tangent-ize this thread, start a new thread, or take it to PM, as you prefer)

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

See, me not going to church, is actually the UNSELFISH thing to do. I get what I want and no one else is effected :)

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

What are the TRUTHS that 'all religions' teach, and how would a person know it?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

Love God and love others.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

How shall we love God? Who, in fact, is God?

And how shall we love others? And why?

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One about 20 miles from me.... also amazingly. :)

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

You might enjoy The Great Transformation by Karen Armstrong, a great look at todays religions.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

By loving others.

God is God.

As ourselves; by doing unto others as we would have others do unto us.

Because that is what God desires.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

My uncle was a Buddhist, and my dad practiced yoga and was very involved in tibetan buddhist pholosophy. Both of them learned their buddhism from overseas, not by 'reading books' here in the states. I can honestly say that while some concepts may be shared between various religions/philosophies, nevertheless Buddhism is a VERY different 'faith' (if you can call it that) from either biblical Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or several of the ancient 'pagan' religions of europe, the MidEast, Africa, China, etc.

The fundamental teachings of buddhism -

The Four Grand Truths (or Four Noble Truths)

Suffering is a reality in life.
All suffering is caused by desire.
Remove desire and you remove suffering.
Removing desire is accomplished by the 8-fold Path.

The 8-fold Path consists of 8 elements -

1. correct beliefs.
2. correct thoughts.
3. correct speech.
4. correct actions.
5. correct manner of living.
6. correct efforts.
7. correct 'mindfulness' (or attitude, if you will).
8. correct meditation.

The goal of buddhism is not to 'know God', but to literally 'know nothing'. Nirvana (enlightenment, akin but not identical with the yogic and hindu doctrine of samadhi) is the state of having no desire, no thought, no self-identity, no SELF. Achieving this state results in freedom from reincarnation and the apparently endless cycle of desire, suffering, death, rebirth, desire, suffering, death, rebirth, etc etc.

The 8 fold path is a strict method of eliminating desire by bringing the individual to an awareness that desire itself is illusory and false, because desire presupposes the SELF as a distinct existence. By coming to awareness of the falsehood of self existence (that awareness is basically samadhi), one enters nirvana and is freed the cycle of death/rebirth.

This is entirely AT ODDS with the fundamental truths of Christianity, which assert that suffering is a result of SIN, and freedom from suffering comes by freedom from sin, which is NOT achieved by effort but by Christ's atonement made effectual in a person's life through faith and obedience to the 'gospel'.

Buddhism is also entirely at odds with Islam, which holds that man is ignorant of God and is commanded to submit to God's truth and directions for living by submission to the teachings of his apostle/prophet Mohammed, with the end result being eternal life in Paradise. Eternal torment in hell awaits those who refuse to submit to God through the teachings of Mohammed.

Also, you said 'love god' is one of the fundamental truths taught by all religions. Buddha said IF there is a God our worship of him is irrelevent to him, he is indifferent to us and we to him, and the whole idea of 'God' is irrelevent and probably a large distraction to enlightenment.

So much for Buddhism teaching mankind to 'love God'.

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

How do we know that is how we love God?



And who is that?


What if are masochists, and thus we want others to treat us badly? And, how do we know this is the way to love others? May there be another way? How would we know?



How do we know that is what God desires?

Re: Raising a Child in a Mixed-Faith Marriage
 

I would teach the kid the ways of the Lord, back it up with LOTS of prayer and more importantly live by example!