Youth Ministry Ethics Question
 

Here is the scenario. A 30 year old volunteer on the youth team falls into an inappropriate consensual relationship with a 19 yr. old college student in your student ministry that lasts approx a year and a half. According to state law, even though the relationship was consensual and the youth was of legal age, the 30 yr. old has abused their authority and committed sexual battery. The legal age thing does not apply. No remorse from the 30 yr. old. The first obvious step was to remove this person from their leadership role. But now, they are upset that they are to stay away from all things YM. They left the church somewhat dramatically 6 months ago. Many in the congregation are unaware of the gravity of their departure. And now they have shown back up, wanting to attend YM events. I believe that Grace and forgiveness have been extended. That being said, this is a line you cannot cross. The wound has been re-opened and the best scenario for everyone involved is for this individual to move on. Your comments and counsel are much appreciated.

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I'm sure there are wiser voices than me here, so I would defer to them. However, having seen a church deal with similar issues in the past, I think it's important to give the individual every opportunity to be in church where God has planted them. Worshipping in church services should not come with many strings attached, and involvement in other ministries could be commensurate with their level of commitment to upholding the standards of the church.

I do agree that it would be unwise to allow this person to renew their involvement in the youth ministry, but (as someone who has had a family member in a vaguely similar situation) I would advise you to frame your decision to exclude this person from youth activities as being as much for their protection as anything else. They apparently committed a crime with their first indiscretion, and to involve them in youth activities would open them up to unecessary risk of being accused of another offense (even falsely).

It is a tricky situation, no doubt. This person is going to have to understand that being welcome to worship and being allowed to be involved in a leadership role are two different things.

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Im not taking sides at the moment but was the girl involved with ministry also? usually once they graduate High school they are moved from the last of the Youth classes up into the main congregation. Usually if they stay around its to help in the youth ministry.

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I think it would be wise for the protection of the 30 year old, the church, and the 19 year old that they not be involved in YM. Yet I also think they should be allowed to remain in the church.

"They"... did the two marry then? Are they still together? Or is this a different "they"?

Both should be given love and support no matter what their current situations. However, to allow the 30 year old back into leadership, even as a volunteer, within the youth group is probably asking for trouble. Explain why you can't accept the person's help in that capacity--in love--for his/her protection and the protection of the church. Then offer him/her some alternatives that would give him/her ample opportunity to serve in a capacity that doesn't involve young people. Redirect talents and energies to safer realms. Maybe he could help start a sports outreach to the community--basketball night, open gym where men could come play... and learn about God as they interact with men from the church or (if it's a woman) she could minister to the elderly through crafts, songs, or some other capacity? Or work behind the scenes to organize outings for fathers/sons (him) or mothers/daughters (her)? Help start a singles ministry for people his/her age?

edited so as not to make any "assumptions" per the post below. :winkgrin

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I appreciate your sincere and honest responses. To answer a couple of your questions; The student ministry is an umbrella that covers jr, sr. and college aged young people. Young people are encouraged to serve in various capacities (media, music, outreach, etc.). "They" most definitely did not get married. And although it shouldn't make a difference. The assumption that the adult is a man and that the 19 yr. old is a female is a wrong one. There is ample evidence that more indiscretions took place such as the use of alcohol. I've been in contact with some youth ministry professionals who have made suggestions such as; inform the authorities, send a letter to every parent informing them of the situation and the way the situation was handled, and it's been suggested to get the adult as far away from the church as possible (ask them to leave). I personally don't like any of these. My hope was that this woman would find a new place to attend where she could find help and move forward.

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Sounds like this person is a sexual predator. Anyone in an authority position that uses that position to develop a sexual relationship is wrong and in some states criminal.

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Unless they show a repentant heart, I don't think the youth group is the place for them. There are other areas to serve.

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Theres alot that needs to be considered in a situation like this. One thing, I think, that is often over looked is found in the story of the woman that was caught in the act of adultery. The Pharisees offered no forgiveness or reconciliation. They demanded her death. Jesus, on the other hand, refused to condemn the woman. He forgave her. Then He said to her something I think churches fail to see: First, he asked the woman where her accusers were. Then he said, "Neither do I condemn thee" But then, and this is frequently overlooked, He said: "Go, and sin no more".

Someone who committed an indescretion, who has truly repented, will do as the Lord said and remove themselves from the place of indescretion. When Jesus said "Go", he was telling the woman to remove herself from the place where the sin took place. In other words, a church bookkeeper, guilty of embezzeling funds, should be removed, or remove themselves, from the opportunity for the sin to ever take place again. In the case cited, the adult youth worker, should remove him or herself from the position they held that allowed the sin to take place. If they are truly repentant, they would understand their removal is warranted and necessary.They would do as Jesus said: They would "GO"- remove themselves from the place of authority that they had abused and they would "SIN NO MORE". (seek counselling, do what is necessary to ensure this behavior will not be repeated). A church has too much at stake to not take steps to stop this type of activity. Should the guilty one be asked to leave? Not necessarily- unless the harmony of the church is threatened, but the guilty cannot be allowed to serve in a position of authority for a long while, if ever. If they are sorry for their actions, they will understand this. If not, they will move on to another church, and, sadly, to another potential victim.

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I agree 100% 100 times! GREAT bible support too!

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Absolutely. Look at their hearts and see if they are repentant. :heeheehee

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TIC, as always, I know. But, well, yeah, how would we know if they have really repented? A tele-evangelist bilks his followers out of millions, goes to jail, writes a book, gets out of jail and sits himself right back in the seat of authority where, surprize! he does it all over again. But, he said he was sorry.

Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cover a multitude of sins. When God forgives, the guilty one must vacate the place where the sin took place. One that is truly repentant will do so voluntarily. Thats how we can know they are really sorry for their wrong doing.

If their sin was of such significance as to warrant their removal from authority, they should remove themselves. And they will, if they are really repentant. Hey, someone forward this to a certain US Senator!

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I think Timmy was just making fun of the way I worded it...but yeah its obviously what you explained above. :)

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Anyone who has abused their place of ministry to the degree of sexual misconduct which could be condemned legally should, if repentant, remove themselves from the possibility of that happening again. I completely agree with OneAccord.

The authorities should have been involved from the moment the situation was discovered, IMO. Sending a letter to every parent without first contacting the authorities is asking for trouble. Getting the adult as far from the church as possible wouldn't model the best and most Biblical way of handling the situation. (Gal 6:1, Mt 18:15). The gospel is about restoration, not expulsion. However, if the person refuses to show fruit of repentance, then some action must be taken.

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Absolutely, OA. :thumbsup

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Agreed, and the "fruit of repentance", IMO, is the voluntary removal of themselves from the place of authority they held. Its not enough to just "Sin no more", the repentant will also voluntarily "go"- remove themseves from the situation. The fallen brother or sister should be restored, but restoration doesn't mean they should be entrusted with the keys to the henhouse.

By telling the adulterous woman to "go", Jesus wasn't telling her to go back to the brothel, but rather, He was telling her to GO from it. He did not condemn the woman, but, He freed her from the enslavement of her sin. The enslavement of sin begins, not with the act itself, but with the very environment where the act occurred.

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:D

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Thank you all for your thoughts and counsel. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Pray for this situation. For everyone involved. It has taken it's toll. And I want The Spirit to check and guide our response to this situation. Souls do hang in the balance. And I pray that humility, grace, and mercy will prevail. Stay Blessed

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Of course when it is a pastor many fully expect him to assume his rightful place back on the throne after a few months and a few "I'm sorry!'s.

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That was hardly constructive or helpful to this thread....smh

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A mere observation. I actually agree 100% with nearly all the advice given, but make the point that many are in a rush to lift a pastor back up to his lofty perch after similar indiscretions.

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Well, please forgive me. I read into your post a tone that you did not intend.

I have disagreed when it involved a Pastor too. All should be held to this standard.

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First of all I'm dubious as to the illegality of this act. I can understand the church having a ethical clause that prevents a worker from dating or having a relationship with a college student.,

Colleges have similar ethics rules. But as far as it being against the law? I find that hard to believe

Was it a sexual relationship?

Did the person show back up to church and demand to be part of the YM? Or did this person attend church for a while then ask to be let back in?

If the former, I'd say this person is not the kind of material you want for a youth worker. Grace has nothing to do with it. It's his personality/character type

If the latter and he has shown he wants to serve the Lord and has shown he is there to be a part of the church for a few months,then I could see allowing that person to be a part of the group again

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They are both adults. If they were both volunteer workers then they both were unethical/immoral (Im assuming)

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We are assuming this person used their position to develop a sexual relationship. Both persons are adults. We are assuming the 19 year old was as dumb as rocks and easily manipulated and not rather was a willing partner.

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Let him attend with no involvement with YM, if truely repentant he will understand why. If he causes any more problems publically rebuke him so all in the church will be aware and avoid him.

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And if truly repentant, he will submit to his elders instead of run away

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I agree. Prax, a 19 year old student should be held accountable for their actions as well.

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exactly.

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yep.

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I don't doubt that it is against the law. If the person is in a position of leadership and the other is considered a youth then it is abuse of authority.

If both were leaders despite the age difference that is different.

I don't know the state (or really care for that matter) but I am familiar with similar laws.

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It is the law in our state. There is a 28 yr. old asst. soccer coach who was having a relationship with a 19 yr. old graduate of his program currently serving a 3 yr. sentence for sexual battery. The language of the law includes non-profits and states that payed or volunteer makes no difference. I agree that the 19 yr. old is not innocent. He was "benched" for a time of counseling and even attended another church for 6 months by his choosing. But he was NOT in a position of leadership. The 30 yr. old taught Bible Studies and chaperoned youth events. Grave difference between the 19 yr. old and the 30 yr. old.

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When I think of a 30 year old woman having "relations" with an 18 or 19 year old guy, my first thought is "were where these women when I was 19??", but all joking aside it also points to the huge double standard where men are considered sexual predators but women are given a free pass.

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I doubt it. This is a church, not a public or government entity. Store managers can legally date a bagger or check out person as far as I know

As far as I know a pastor can date a lay person,legally.

I've never heard of any law that forbids youth leaders from dating one of the youth members that is over 18

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Sexual battery for an adult? What state?

Here is Missouri
SEC. 97-3-95. Sexual battery.
(1) A person is guilty of sexual battery if he or she engages in sexual penetration with:

(a) Another person without his or her consent;

(b) A mentally defective, mentally incapacitated or physically helpless person; or

(c) A child under the age of fourteen (14) years.

(2) A person is guilty of sexual battery if he or she engages in sexual penetration with a child of fourteen (14) but less than eighteen (18) years if the person is in a position of trust or authority over the child including without limitation the child's teacher, counselor, physician, psychiatrist, psychologist, minister, priest, physical therapist, chiropractor, legal guardian, parent, stepparent, aunt, uncle, scout leader or coach.

That is why Im dubious. Usually it involves a person under 18 not over 18

In those cases, such as a college, the college might dismiss the teacher for ethics violation but legally they did not thing wrong

Not sure if it's illegal in this case. If he was a teacher and she was his pupil at one point, it would be illegal (in Texas). I was certified as a substitute teacher in March and heard a horror story.

A man and his wife were going through a divorce. They were married for several yrs. Anyway, he was her h.s. teacher at one point. Through the divorce proceedings the woman claimed that he used his authority to get her to "whatever." It did not matter that they were married for x ammount of yrs or that the age of consent is 17. Apparently there is no statute of limitations for this "law." The man lost his job and was incarcerated.

I'd like to doubt the veracity of this story...

Re: Youth Ministry Ethics Question
 

It goes to intent. You have to look at the statutes carefully. A lot of them are worded in ways to make it easy to manipulate, from both sides. Especially older laws.
Now, I don't know if the person in the opening post did anything illegal. But, they did something immoral while in a leadership role. They may be restored to the body, but have no leadership role for a long while, at least. That's the thing with breaking trust, it's so hard to get it back. And this shows the consequences of a brief time of sinful pleasure vs our relationship with God. And the damage it can do to all involved, and even the body of Christ.

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Had a visiting evangelist a while back who announced over the platform that he met his wife while he was her youth pastor. I'm not sure that it was acted upon while they were in those roles, but it weirded me out anyway. If it was, it feels like a betrayal of trust to both the kid and the parents. All worked out I guess. Still. Left a bad taste in my mouth.

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I don't believe it until I see the proof. The whole thing sounds fishy. The laws are made to protect minors

If this was the case store managers can't date clerks. Gas station owners can't date a gas station clerk. Pastors can't date anyone that is not a pastor.

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I don't see the problem if both are over 18, legally. I see ethics issues might be in place if they were having a relationship while he was pastor over the youth

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Well, it's kind of tough for him to prove without giving away his location and he may not want to. Just because you haven't heard of a law, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. He has no reason to be making it up.