Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Just found this post today on Justin Taylor's blog. I think this is a question all parents need to ask themselves.

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From Tim Kimmel’s chapter “The Freedom to Make Mistakes” in his book Grace-Based Parenting:
HT: Sally Michael

See also:

Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

William P. Farley, Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

There has to be a balance and the child's temperament has to come into play also. I know people who are too strict and people who are too lenient both have problems with their kids.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Yes, but I don't think the author is advocating complete leniency here. We have to erect some fences, obviously.

It's more a matter of focusing on the child's heart as opposed to just creating rules.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I actually believe that within the home environment a little legalism isn't a bad thing. :)

And while there are many similarities, there are also some big differences between the God/Man relationship versus the parent/child.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

My daughter is very involved in a web forum>> Gentle Christian Mothers

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Very interesting article.

I've seen both sides. Fear-based involves less-patient, over-powerful, demanding, and commanding parents, while Grace-based involves almost the exact opposite.

Considering I was raised with fear-based parents (no disrespect intended), it's been a challenging cycle to break. But, it's one that must be broken nevertheless. I think how a parent reacts to a childs action(s) play a big part in whether the child senses the onslought of fear or extending of grace...

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

i have not read the book. there may be more to it.


what I read leads me to believe the writer is an idiot.


my view of parenting is simple. First, whatever the boundries are, kids will break them. so the trick is to create boundries that are not so loose that crossing broundries will hurt the kid, and not so tight that the kid is stiffeled.

Standards are requied if you are going raise kids who will be adults that can compete in society.

Grace is required if you want a relationship with your kids once they are no longer living under your roof.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Rules in the Ferd house

1. Make mamma happy.
2. If you are going to be stupid you better be tuff.
3. Keep the war civil.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I better clarify before someone jumps down my back. :)

The exact opposite would still allow for the parents to have the ultimate control of the child, thus the over-powerful or less-powerful wouldn't necessarily be a factor in how the child responds...

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Either way parents can't stop kids from sinning. And can't keep sin out of their hearts. But, we are to teach precepts to our children, and teach them how to actually live in our everyday lives as Christians.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Another point. Far too often, when "grace" is mentioned, the following is left out.


Titus 2:11For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men,
12 Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;


Grace is a teacher. There is instruction. Grace is not a free pass. There is longsuffering and mercy certainly. But Grace does not simply smile when we fall short. Grace puts us to the test so that we learn and overcome.


The following best demonstrates grace by a parent. Unfortunatly for me, it was my mom.

To start with, my parents could be both very strict and at the same time allowing independence.
In highschool, I foolishly went out with some school buddies and we decided it would be a great idea to get drunk. I did. Bad move.
Now mom and dad never said a word to me about it. But the next morning mom got me up early and drug me around Dallas all day long. It was the longest day of my then short life! LOL! I had no idea what she was doing but by the end of the day, I decided there was nothing fun about drinking alcohol. Now that wasn’t my last trip around the mulberry bush but it was my last tango while under mom and dads roof!

It wasn’t until much later as an adult that we talked about that. I had no idea the point was to teach me something about it. Grace can be both merciful and harsh at the same time.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I have read most of the book. Our church handed it out at a parenting class.

In that chapter the author is showing the dangers of being to legalistic AND being to lenient to the point of allowing the children to make all their own decisions.

The whole point of the book is that we should focus on training the heart of the child and teaching them to make correct decisions. His main point in that chapter is that if all you have are rules you will end up with children who will find loopholes and that many christians fall into the trap of the "checklist" method of parenting.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Along these same lines, here is another article that has recently been circulating around the web.

It is written specifically for homeschoolers, but applies to every Christian family regardless of educational choice.

Read the rest of the article here.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

you have read it and I have not... so based on this, I retract my "idiot" comment.

just the part quoted seemed to be take one tact over the other... balance is the key.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I read it. It's very good, very wise.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I like this quote from the article:

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

It's actually a very good article.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Yeah, it's one of the best family articles I've read in a while.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

The author's not an idiot, the book is fantastic. Was a life-changing book for me.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

I feel it is safest to err on the side of grace. Fear-based parenting only creates a wedge between parent and child, souring the relationship. Plus, how we deal with others may be how we get dealt with at the Judgment.

This isn't to say there shouldn't be rules and enforcement of those rules, though.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Much wisdom in this article.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

You GO, Uncle Joe.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Why is it either/or?

One cannot have grace and fear both in raising a child? a child should know that there is grace for failures, and even for some level of disobediance, but a good healthy level of fear is healthy too. They should know that if they cross some lines or act in outright rebellion or challenge authority they will be meat hard and heavy with correction. They should fear the consequences of horrible behavior.

Re: Grace-Based or Fear-Based Parenting?
 

Which brings us back to what Amanah says...balance...or moderation in the family.

I too was raised in a fear-based family. We got punished if we "forgot" to do something we were told to do the day before. In fact, I remember the punishment more than I can remember being hugged and told by my father that he loved me. Usually the punishment was far more severe than the "crime" we committed.

It is soooo important for the men to be loving fathers and the head of the family. The men set the ground rules of the home and balance them with love and strength through Christ, imho. The women make the home and add that loving, nurturing touch through Christ.

And Cindy is right. Parents can't stop kids from sinning. We can guide them and tell them they are only hurting themselves if the go against what the Word of God teaches us. My oldest son is one who is hard-headed and has to learn the hard way. But..he doesn't do the same thing twice after he learns the hard way. Basically, he is a good kid.

I also found that kids still need our advice after they grow up. But it's one of those things that we better not say anything until they ask.