Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 90, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Pleased, Jacob smiles at his bride-to-be, then says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our "Bridal Registry."

Been Thinkin

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Never Trust an Old Lady
An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Lady: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see .. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old Lady: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Old Lady: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old Lady: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Old Lady: I bet the lying dog said I was speeding, too!

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

The Blonde Sister

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son, who lived far away, called his blonde sister and told her to, "..do something nice for Dad and just send me the bill."

A while later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his sister to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the blonde, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."



Well that's enough for tonight! See how much theology you can find wrong with these! :happy dance

Been Thinkin

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Wow. That is all that is left to say. I found those funny, but now I am rather speechless.

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

I always liked this one...

4 LOL's Little Old Ladies) are traveling down the road and they get pulled over by a cop. The cop had pulled her over because she was going too slow. She was on a 65 MPH stretch of road and she was going 27 mph.
The lady asked the officer why he had pulled her over and he said "Well ma'am. I pulled you over because of your speed."

She said... Oh that's not possible because I am ALWAYS very careful to drive the exact speed limit and the speed limit on this road is 27.

The officer smiled and said "Ma'am the speed limit on this road is 65. You're on HIGHWAY 27. But... your 3 passengers look a little pale. Is everyone okay?"

She replied "Oh yes sir. They'll be fine. We just turned off of Highway 105"

:)

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Why are you posting about me? :heeheehee

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

This is why I love "old" people... :lol

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

If this is how you drive, you and I had better never meet on the road someday then... :icecream

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

:heeheehee

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

:heeheehee silly girl

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

I wasn't.

I was writing about your three scared friends. :)

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

That first joke was hilarious!! Had never heard that one!! LOL

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Thanks - I needed a good laugh today!!

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

A good ol' boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. He caught himself by grabbing the banister; his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke, making the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the hallway mirror. Ouch! He managed to find a box of Band Aids, and proceded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, he awoke with terrible pain in both his head and his butt. There were no covers on his backside, and his wife was staring at him from across the room. "You were drunk again last night," she said, indignately.

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly over at her and replied, "What a mean thing to say! You know i stopped drinking. I can't believe you think i was drunk last nite."

"Well, let's see," she said, "you left the front door open, there's broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the carpet smells like whiskey, there are drops of blood trailing through the house, and your eyes are bloodshot........and then there's all those little band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs."

Been Thinkin

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Country Wisdom......

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court
building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt
Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a
building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Been Thinkin

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are.....

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

And finally, be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance.


Been Thinkin

Re: Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!
 

Last one for today......


Joke for men:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!

Been Thinkin