Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divorce
 

Many people today make an argument for "trying out" a relationship before committing to marriage. The reasoning is, they can find the best fit before making more serious commitments to each other and have a better home for future children.

Seems the evidence contradicts...


Cohabitation Data:
There is a higher risk, 40 to 85%, of divorce between couples cohabiting before marriage than couples waiting until after marriage to share a home together. (Bumpass & Sweet 1995; Hall & Zhao 1995; Bracher, Stantow, Morgan & Russell 1993; DeMaris & Rao 1992 and Glen 1990) Cited in a posting on the Smart Marriages Listserv, Sep 28, 2004.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Ya, I have heard this more than once. In fact it is kind of funny, in a sad ironic way, how a couple can live together and actually be happy for years -and then they get married and it all falls apart within a year or two.

My wife and I never lived together. We only even knew each other for 5 months before getting married, and that was 7 years ago now. Still married and happy. :)

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I wonder what the stats are for premarital sex and divorce. Paul's advice never struck me as particularly wise: don't get married, unless you really, really want to have sex.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Eh, not sure if I believe the statistic as presented.

For example, the majority of those living together prior to marriage are most likely not very religious or involved in a religious society. In nearly every case wherein I hear of a couple not living together before marriage religion and values play a larger role in day to day life. Also, they are part of a religious society that aids the couple and strongly encourages counsel and staying together.

So... is it the fact that a couple didn't live together prior to moving in together that helps the marriage last? Or is it shared religious values that led to them choosing not to live together prior to marriage that helped the marriage to last?

On another note... I've known deeply religious people who chose to live together and got married at a later date who beat the odds...because of their faith. The couples I know who did this had a double strike against them. Not only did they live together before marriage.... but they were divorcees who were afraid to marry. In these cases it was faith that helped the marriage last.

So... not sure if the statistic is entirely accurate. I'd like to know where faith played a part in their lives.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Good post, and I agree. :thumbsup Core values probably have a lot more to do with this than the fact that they lived together before the wedding.

I do find it odd that seemingly *happy* cohabiters start having major problems after tying the knot. (As RW mentioned) I wonder if it's because once the wedding is over, people stop trying so hard? Or maybe they start imposing unrealistic expectations on the relationship at that point?

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

:ohplease

That wasn't Paul's advice. LOL

Paul advised that people marry to avoid being tempted to fornicate. He also stated that if singles can't control themselves, implying that they couldn't abstain, they should marry because it's better to marry than to burn with unmet needs that drive their inconsistent behavior. Paul also advised that, due to the current crisis of persecution at the time, that it was best to not marry and remain celibate as he was. Paul also assailed the joys of singleness with relation to one's ability to serve the Lord compared to if married. Paul advised that if people were engaged however, they do not sin by marrying.

It's all practical advice that assumes deep and loving relationships between people. Remember, Paul also taught that a husband should view his wife as his own flesh and vice versa. Paul also taught husbands and wives not to defaud one another with relation to their sexual needs, accept it be for prayer and fasting. But afterwards they should readily re-unite erotically to maintain their bond. Paul admonished husbands to love their wives.

Jeesh Timmy. I get the impression that you really have a very low view of Scripture.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I've seen that happen. Not sure though. I do know that marriage brings a lot of anxiety. Because the partners are now legally entitled. When living together either could walk away freely. They obviously stayed (talking long term here) because of love and affection toward one another. Love being the only bond. But once it's "legalized", people have rights and entitlements. The pressure to "make it work or I loose everything I've worked for" can wear on some men's minds. Also, the emotional pressure of realizing that if you want to leave because he's a jerk... you can't. This can cause either person to feel trapped. This can lead to resentment, frustration, confusion, fear, and wondering if the grass is greener somewhere else.

Sadly, I've known couples who lived together who stayed together for decades... just because they loved each other. My grandma and step-grandpa are a case in point. They were together for over 30 years, having never married, when my grandpa passed away. When asked why they said they didn't need the government to tell them they loved each other. lol

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Some scriptures, yeah.

I don't see any real difference in how I phrased Paul's advice and how you phrased it. He advised against marrying. Said to marry is better than burning.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

That makes me like your Grandpa. :D

I know of a couple who divorced because of irreconcilable differences, and then moved back in together sans a wedding and were together until death. Crazy.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

We might question whether they were , in fact, deeply religious...

Someone could argue it was not faith, but their shunning of faith traditions that helped them beat the odds. :)

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

While I am sure other factors are involved in all stats - it does not change the numbers.

Personally, I find it very interesting that "Born Again" believers have a higher incidence of divorce than other Christians. There are reasons for that beyond the numbers - no doubt. But it does not change the facts.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Prepare-Enrich, the program I use to counsel pre-marital couples, has some statistics which demonstrate there is roughly a 30% greater risk of divorce in couples who co-habitate before marriage. According to their research, this statistic is based on the fact that co-habiting couples may end up tying the knot for the wrong reasons, which causes conflict later in the relationship. By co-habiting before marriage, many times the relationship advances faster than it should, and these couples can then feel pressure from one or more sources to marry when the relationship is actually on shakier ground than they realize.

Just some thoughts.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

It's not just after marriage that cohabitants are less stable in the relationship. They are much more likely to break up before they get married too.

Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States.
Series Report 23, Number 22. 103pp. (PHS) 98-1998.
Download report at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
Among the findings in this report: unmarried cohabitations overall are less
stable than marriages. The probability of a first marriage ending in
separation or divorce within 5 years is 20 percent, but the probability of
a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49 percent. After
10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent,
compared with 62 percent for cohabitations.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

LOL

The couples I know of were divorcees who were denied weddings or opted out because of the chaos they experienced when legally married. They attended church etc. and even called themselves husband and wife.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I think it might have to do with an expectation of perfection. We put such a premium on marriage, when it doesn't pan out the way so many young people think it should, they tank. Also, among "born again" Evangelicals there are expectations of moral perfection. I think many "born again" couples don't allow for one another's humanity. For example, I know of couples who got divorced over a husband's interest in adult materials. A couple in the first church I attended almost had a divorce over her husband's interest in pornography on the internet. They weathered the storm and stayed together, but they are experiencing some turbulance from time to time because she has him almost on total "lock down" and nearly zero privacy. I see that as a recipe for disaster eventually. He's already feeling like he's in prison. While I don't want to sound soft on sin, sometimes we have to allow some room for our humanity and practically accept it. I'd rather have a wife who I discover takes an occasional long shower with a romance novel while I'm at work than a wife who is an extreme moralist that eventually crumbles under the pressure of her imperfections and falls into infidelity with some slick talking co-worker. But that's just me.

I remember listening to an interview with a couple who were in their nineties. He was in the Navy during WWII and according to his wife he was "quite the ladies man", even though they were married. She laughed it off and touted how they weathered their problems but stayed together because they loved each other. Today... their marriage would have been toast before he got back from deployment. lol

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Teen mother, married over 30 years. I have been blessed.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Honestly, I love to hear stories about situations wherein things weren't perfect... but God turned things around and blessed the socks off people. I used to wonder why He would do that, especially when I was living so "holy" and "those people" weren't. Well... today... after loosing my house, my Jeep, my marriage, and I even lost my faith for a while... my life is far from perfect... and I'm seeing God's grace and blessings every where I look. And I can honestly say, I DON'T deserve them. lol

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

The Mennonite group I was raised in has a divorce rate of less than 1%... Actually, closer to zero than 1%, I am sure, but I don't have exact numbers.

It's quite interesting too, along with the varying reasons for it.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Amen. Sometimes God means more when we have less...


I left home with a hundred dollars and a bicycle, but I felt God was with me during all that time.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Amen!

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I've seen that happen too.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

:happydance :happydance Praise God!!

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Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Did you read what he gained?

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Hoovie, could you speculate on why you think there is little to no divorce rate in the Mennonite communities?

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I would attribute it to several things:
1. Their veiw that the family is sacred and pretty much the center of their world.
2. Their belief that D&R is not acceptable in the New Testament.
3. There is an unspoken agreement that if serious problems occur in marriage the couple will submit to council of family and spiritual advisors.
In the rare case of divorce, the church ensures the wife and children are taken care of socially and finacially without government involvement.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

In a perfect world no one would need or want to live together prior to marriage. In fact, the only reasons I can see are twofold. One so they can tell if they can get along well enough in a confined space and the other is to have sex without having to hide it anymore but without taking the step of marriage. (this is in the church mainly, not as a whole throughout the nation)

I didn't live with my wife prior to marriage either. I don't think one has to, but I have known some that it benefited them better in the long run because they realized they weren't right for each other. Living together before marriage after hearing all your life that you'll burn in hell if you have premarital sex and all that leaves a lasting mark on lives so it's not easy to just step out and move in with someone like that...I would imagine.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

One more thing I will add is if my kid(s) would ever want to move in with someone prior to marriage I don't think I would be ok with it, but if they are an adult I cannot make them make a different choice.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

And another teen mother here married 38 years.
Still in love! :heart

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Amen.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Problem I see with your post is that both reasons you give are negatives. Living in a confined space with someone you don't respect and care about enough to marry is problematic in it'self. I don't think anyone benefits by breaking God's laws in the long or short run.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

God often uses the most imperfect situations. Yes, there are issues that will have to be delt with... but God already has a plan. For many, this is the case.

For example, King David committed outright adultery with Bathsheba. Then David had her husband killed so he could marry her and cover up the pregnancy. David reaped what he sowed, having many trials afterwards. However, Bathsheba went on to become the Queen Mother of Israel, and even saved the nation twice. Once with relation to a revolt under David, another with relation to ensuring that Solomon take the throne. Not to mention... David and Bathsheba are part of the line of the Messiah.

Nothing is perfect on earth. I didn't live with the woman I married prior to marriage. We were both in church and very involved. We were married 12 years. During year 11 she got a job at a major corporation in our erea, made some not so good friends, and guess what.... she drug our family through the pain of infidelity and loose living insantiy. I backslid and became so hurt and bitter. I played by the rules. I should have not have lost! But that's not true. There are no rules to ensure that you'll succeed or be happy.

I know a couple who are used quite a bit in house church ministry today. They lived together for several years before getting married and returning to full fellowship in the church. They both had suffered the pain of divorce. They had played by the rules the first time around and lost. Also, the church they started to attend at one point told them they couldn't remarry being divorcees. So their logic was, if we marry, we're in adultery. If we live together we're in fornication. Their love for one another was strong so they chose to continue living together for several years. They found a very kind and compassionate church that counseled them "as a family". They eventually married and have been actively serving in house church ministry now for nearly 8 years. They've had hurdles like every couple. They have things they've repented of and have confessed. They are very easy going and are open books who work great with encouraging unmarried couples coming to Christ to deepen their love for Christ and each other, which tends to encourage and bring the couple to marriage.

God always has a plan.

If anyone thinks they can avoid the pains and horrors of life by playing by a set of rules... you're only fooling yourself and one day... the house of cards will come crumbling down.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

Well...I was referring to actually living in a confined space. I am very good friends that I know I could live with and then again I am very good friends with others that I know there is no way I could live with them. But, to be fair, I am not and never was romantically involved with these people. I have a really good female friend that I couldn't be less attracted to, my wife knows her well too, and if I had to I could live with her as a roommate and be totally fine. But I wouldn't do it if for no other reason that it wouldn't look "right."

I tend to agree with you about the "breaking God's law" thing, but I have known people that lived together before marriage ended up getting married and having a great relationship. This is probably the exception and not the rule.

Re: Cohabitation prior marriage leads to more Divo
 

I'm sure you're not arguing for the "ends justify the means". ;)