Advice: The Single Christian
 

I'm curious... how do single Christians contend with the day to day struggles of being single. The areas I can identify are:

loneliness
fighting temptation
masturbation
pornography

How do single Christians overcome loneliness?

How does a single Christian find a healthy single sexuality in Christ? Is there such a thing?

What are some of your thoughts?

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Been married what seems to be all my life. Sorry, can't help you here brother.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

He has a fiance. Technically, hes not single.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

My wife and I fell into sexual sin while dating, so we came to the point that we need to get married or breakup. Notice I said my wife!

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

True. I have a girl that I've been seeing. We're both divorcees and had considered marriage. We don't have a date planned or anything. Largely we started calling each other "fiance" because the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" sounded silly at our age. But the more and more I think about it... the more and more I don't think I want to remarry. Yes, this could be a deal breaker on her side, and understandably so. I don't like the drama of relationships. I like being able to do what I enjoy. I like a nice quiet home. I like to read and study my Bible for hours on end if I want to. I like the quiet times of prayer. I'm finding myself increasingly unhappy.

So... I'm curious. How do those Christians who have chosen a single lifestyle cope with the issues I listed above?

loneliness
fighting temptation
masturbation
pornography

How do single Christians overcome loneliness?

How does a single Christian find a healthy single sexuality in Christ? Is there such a thing?

I ask this from deep down in my heart because not only would these be issues I'd admittedly face... but certainly these are issues that every single Christian might face.

So I need some of your thoughts.

Thanks,

Chris

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I'm a single christian male. I've fallen into all the four items you listed. I've even fallen into sexual sin. It most often happens when im not fully emersed in the WORD and prayer! Or when a doubt creeps on my mind (after deep discussions with aiethists). Singlehood is a beautiful thing but remember the old serpent is looking for every chance to sneak up on you. Keep Christ close and want to be more like Him every single second! God bless!

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I'm single(female).

I think a common misconception with singles is that loneliness and lust are the only struggles a single has to deal with. This misunderstanding causes huge problems in ministering to singles and one of the reasons why the church has such issues with retaining singles.

I talk much right now, but I will come back later to elaborate.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Praise God! Awesome post.

Is there such a thing, in your opinion, of a "single sexuality" for the single Christian?

How do single Christians manage their personal needs???

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

You find three close (single) friends and all put $50 bucks in a pot and vow not to do "it". Then the last one to give in will be labeled "Master of his own Domain" and win the $200.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Yes, any of us can face being single at any time in our life.

I was single for 4 years after my divorce from my first husband. I would go to church and see what I thought were happy families...then watch them go home for their own fellowship while I went home to an empty dwelling place. As a young female at that time, I had many instances where temptations were very powerful. But I found that one pearl (Christ) meant more to me than all the temptations.

So....what does one do about loneliness, which was what I faced daily. I found places to go, friends to pass the time with. I was still very young and wanted a family of my own. So I asked God that if it was His blessings to send a mate to me. Sounds corny right? But I got specific and it wasn't too very long that the perfect mate came into my life....right to my specifications. Looks and money were not part of the specifications, but rather love for Christ, temperment, patience, in other words, fruit of the Spirit were more the specifications than the worldy things. We are well into our 29th year together now. He just kind of came into my life. I did not have to go looking. :)

God is not without feeling, nor does he dismiss our feelings when we are sincere. Don't be afraid to tell him about yourself and how you feel. You will find that He does understand. Don't be afraid of marriage, whether secular or Quaker unless you just feel you might not actually get along.

Whatever the case, talking to God will net you some real results about this dilemma.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

(I Peter 5:7)

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I have already discovered that it often seems like the church assumes that a Christian single is unappy and MUST find a mate. However, many Christian singles are perfectly happy being single. The church often makes them feel incomplete and contributes to the feelings of loneliness or sense of "not fitting in" when it does this.

However, I'm feeling that a person can be perfectly happy and content being single. Maybe it's just my age catching up with me. However, I can see feeling lonely at times. But loneliness can be remedied by surrounding yourself with good godly friends, much prayer, being involved in serving the church and others. Even "going out" to socialize with wisdom. I can also see having sexual feelings and not knowing how to relieve them without a sense of shame or condemnation. It's been my personal experience that these feelings don't necessarily go away with cold showers, prayer, and joining a softball league. What are the bounderies, what is allowed in the eyes of God for a single Christian with sexual needs? I'm sure many single Christians have struggled with these questions since ancient times.

I was talking to an elder about this and he said, "Draw near to God and be prayerful. You have to talk to God and allow the Spirit to direct you in some personal matters and let know man condemn you. It's between you and your Lord."

Is there any wisdom in that?

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

lol

Randy, I love you bro. You always know how to make me laugh when I'm heavy in heart.

Thanks dude. :)

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

That post almost made me cry. Thanks sis. God bless you.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

There is a lot of wisdom in that Aquila.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

97% of the time I am completely satisfied being alone now. I'd hate to know that I had to give up half my closet!!

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Well, most guys have an inordinate focus on self. If you can defeat that ...let me know how you did it.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

There's a lot to this statement, I believe.

It's in a women's nature to be nuturing and care for others. If I didn't have my children and grandchildren to dote over, I'm sure that I would be much more lonely.

The 3% of time when I feel alone is usually when I just need someone to lean my head into and feel safe and cared for.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I keep asking myself that question. But i like to leave it at that otherwise i'll come up with my own "Doctrine/ Gospel" which is not Christ/Cross-centered

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I'm 38. Was married for 12 years. It fell apart. My current lady friend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. But she talks about marriage etc. a lot. At first, I was really excited at the idea. But as time has gone by... I don't think I'm ready. I am also starting to feel like maybe she isn't right for me even if I were ever ready. I feel this "tension" throughout my being when I think about marrying her. But if I think about being single... I feel a lot of peace. As for loneliness... I know how to to out to socialize, have guests, etc. Frankly... I've always enjoyed being alone to study, tidy the house, cook out, play on the internet, etc. It's the sexual part of being single that I am intimated by most. I know me... I'm a healthy male. But I don't want to marry just for sex. At 38... it's just starting not to appeal that much. I kinda want my creature comforts without relationship drama, countless obligations, fussing about house work, etc., etc.

I have my son part time... and from a Father's perspective... being able to FOCUS on him without distraction also appeals to me.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I brought this up to a few close friends in Christ. One of them gave me a book on Grace. For me... I saw how embracing grace, for some, is the secret to living at peace with God, while also being all too human at times. Sin is sin. But sin was paid for. We can have peace with God... through the cross. Our sin was judged already. Now this isn't a license to sin... because we'll surely reap what we sow. But it does bring peace to the soul to know that when we are all too human and fall to some degree... below us are the everlasting arms.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

You are explaining yourself Aquila.

I understand everything what all you guys are saying in your delicate, but "cryptic" posts because of what my husband has explained to me about his time of being a single God-fearing, Christ loving Christian man..

Expect a PM from him tonight.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I had read a book about these kinds of things. I think it was titled, Sex for Christians. In the book the author defined lust as a "desire of intent" (or something similar). However, fantasies, dreams, etc. are not desires of intent and they come and go. Therefore we shouldn't classify them as lust. He admonished that we not condemn ourselves with regards to those sorts of things. He did say that too look at someone and actually engage them in conversation or what have you with "intent" is lust, and that we've sinned the moment we began smiling at them. Or if fantasy turns to desire of intent we've already sinned. Now for me, that was a bit challenging. But it is one opinion on the matter.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

You are so awesome Sis. AYR,

Thank you so much. God bless you.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

You need a hug.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Would some of you guys PLEASE pray for me. Because this could cause some serious ripples in my relationship with my lady friend. I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I think just dragging things out as I become more and more unhappy isn't the answer. I feel like such an idiot. But I have to talk about this to somebody. And I'd appreciate much prayer.

I'm thinking that IF I'm meant to marry... I don't want to marry someone who spooks me when I consider marrying them. I imagine that I'd feel at peace with the idea, excited, and anticipating. But right now... I'm feeling like I'm sinking into goo when I think about the possibility of ever marrying. :(

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Will be praying for you, Aquila.

And if you do leave the relationship I hope it is for the right reason.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Sorry if I'm being too frank or open guys. It's a serious issue rolling around in my heart and I have to get it out in the open. In addition... I know that other Christian singles are in similar situations or have similar concerns with their singleness.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Thank you. I want it to be for the right reason too. I think I'm just not ready. And... I think I need to draw closer to Christ before I'll ever be ready... if ever.

The idea of going to church, serving, and fellowshipping... then going home to a quiet house (or just home with my little boy) sounds like Heaven. It calms me just thinking about it.

And don't get me wrong... I feel like a heel... a jerk... etc. But I think she's also wondering what's going on since I've been so hesitant about talking about the deeper things of marriage and dates, etc.

I was on a kick about government free marriage because the idea "seemed" to remedy some of my fears. But then sitting back, praying, and thinking about things left me feeling like... that's only half the issue I face. Sure, I'm afraid of marriage. I don't want another failed one. And I don't trust the system. However, even if I moved to a Quaker community and got a government free marriage... the constant insanity of married home life would drive me crazy. I'd want to just retreat to the attic or the study and read my Bible, write, or go to art galleries, museums, etc.

I married right after high school. I've never really been single, accept for the short period of total limbo I experienced when my marriage fell apart. I bounced back really fast. Maybe too fast.

But I know I don't want to marry just to have sex. If I don't feel pace and joy at the idea of "married life" and all the crazy drama that comes with it... I think I'm not ready.

Aquila, go with your gut and face the feelings you are having.

If she's talking marriage and you aren't feeling it, you need to be upfront with her. And soon.

Holding on to this relationship that isn't right for you could be hindering you from finding the right person.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

It is a part of life to be tempted. And I don't think you have crossed any decency lines yet. Just be careful, if we think you have, we will tell you and edit. Okay?

Do Paul's writings help you at all?

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Aquila,

A few questions.

Is it possible that it's the idea of marriage, not the idea of marrying her that makes you feel like this?

Does she remind you of your ex in any way?

Is it possible that you are just fraid that your 2nd marriage will turn out the same as the first?

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

This.

She told Berkeley (peace be upon him) not to settle for the one that he can live with, but to go after the one that he can't live without.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

:highfive :yourock

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Yes... I read what Paul wrote about singlehood... and part of me feels alive... like it wants to embark on an adventure of a life time.

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

You just don't want to experience ALL of HIS experiences of his adventures. :heeheehee

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Amen! It just goes on to show we are still walking in the flesh. If we were perfect there would be no need of a Savior. But then, like you said, it's no licence to sin. However much i struggle with my "Thorn in the flesh" i'll always find redemption on the cross, at the feet of Jesus, His Grace is always sufficient, for when i'm weak, then He is strong.

I'm seriously contemplating on serving the Lord in my singlelhood as a christian missionary in the caribbean and africa. I need your prayers folks! God bless

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

Great questions...

Is it possible that it's the idea of marriage, not the idea of marrying her that makes you feel like this?

Both. After getting to know her I feel like it will always be a battle of wills with me surrendering because I'm the big bad man if I hold my ground. The idea of marriage... she'd have to be pretty special. Because I start to feel tense and almost like I can't breathe.

Does she remind you of your ex in any way?

Not really. This girl is very high maintenance. Everything is her way. Any television shows we watch, are hers. Anywhere we go, it has to be what she wants to do. I have no hobbies like I used to. When I tell her my thoughts and feelings, I feel like she often rewords them to make them wrong or disregards them in total and insists on what we're going to do. We've gotten into heated exchanges because I'm not the kind of guy who backs down when I believe I'm right... or if I need something. She reminds me of a spoiled princess sometimes. And I get so frustrated. I catch myself wanting to scream, "Hey there, do you see me? I exist!" I know that sounds terrible... but that's how I'm feeling. :(

I'd rather have some voice in things... even if I'm wrong sometimes.

Don't get me wrong... when she's happy... it's great. But if she isn't happy... it's pure Hades. And it doesn't matter if I'm happy or not.

My ex didn't treat me like that. In fact, my ex was great until she backslid. Then she made new friends and wanted an open marriage... and I tried to be understanding and encourage counseling... but no go. She wasn't entirely to blame. I know I neglected her and certainly left her psychologically exhausted with my notions of getting into ministry and my frustrations when doors weren't opening.

But to answer your question... no... this girl doesn't remind me of my ex.

Is it possible that you are just fraid that your 2nd marriage will turn out the same as the first?

I'm afraid it could be worse. But not in the cheating department. This girl is very faithful. The issue is that the battle of wills can be exhausting and linger for over a week. I feel like I've been through a grinder. And this girl is often very nice, sweet, respectful... but then she'll go beyond any bounderies I'm used to be people violating. For example, I got home from work and just wanted to relax. So we sat down, she turned on the televion and started reading a Bible devotional. Then she asked to see what I was reading and wouldn't give it back. It wasn't playful either. It was vindictive. I felt like she was treating me like a teenager. I just wanted to read. So, when she refused to be a rational adult and give it back and actually talk about what she wanted I lost it and went off and we had a bad argument. I told her that everything can't be her way. Just because I sit down doesn't mean that I'm free to do whatever she wants me to do. Sometimes the time is mine to spend the way I enjoy it. I had never felt more disrespected in my entire life.

In short... I don't think she'd cheat. But I can see a battle of wills that will ultimately end in one of us loosing total sanity with the other. Me just needing some time to do things I enjoy and being denied that time. Or her loosing it over not being able to control my every waking second.

Grrr. I'm still a little upset when I think about it.

Break up to tonight.

If she acts like this now it will only get worse after she's "got you."

Re: Advice: The Single Christian
 

I think this is why so many Christian marriages fail. They marry for the wrong reasons. You are right to stop and take a big breath.