Confession time
 

I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.

I hate myself more every time I indulge.

I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.

What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.

It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."

But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.

Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.

The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.

I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.

In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.

You all have been great.

Thank you.

Re: Confession time
 

I will miss you....I know you refused my friendship I extended to you but I still feel like you were a friend. I have a cousin who is gay and most of the family do NOT even want to accept him as part of the family. I feel sad about it all the time. My sons girlfriend watches porn and I feel sad for her bc she says she "cant help it". I am one who NEVER says "I understand what or how you feel" UNLESS I am or have been in that situation. I have never been around porn and never have seen it nor do I have any desire to see it. What I do know about it, its NOTHING I would ever be interested in the least to see , I have all I need lying in the bed beside me at night (my husband) , nor am I gay so I do not know how any of this is making you feel. But you have my prayers Houston~ I do know single people often deal with issues of porn and their sexual status...bc in todays world, sex is a seller and most everything you see is based on sex~ It must be a struggle and I totally feel for you. I will say this, your life is something ONLY God will judge....not people. I love my cousin and I would take someone's head off if I ever heard anyone talk bad about him or call him a fag. I hate slanderous words......just like when white people have called me a ni**er lover....it is bad, wrong and hurtful. I hope you find peace and what you are looking for friend. God knows all and he will help you every day! Again, I will miss you friend and wish you would keep hanging around!!!

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I had some magical words to say that would make things better but I don't other than God loves you and when people fail you and don't understand you he does.

Some struggles we will never understand on earth. We will have to wait until heaven to find out the "why" and even then maybe not as we won't care I have a feeling.

I don't know if taking a break from AFF is a good thing or bad thing. Only you know that. My prayer is that you continue to seek after the Lord. When we get to the end of our rope sometimes we just have to tie a knot and hold on. That and ask for God's Spirit to be the comforter He promised it would be.

Keep feeding yourself spiritual food. If you continue in God's word, prayer, and worship you will make it though.

Too many times when we need God, the church, and God's people the most we turn away and turn inward. Try to solve things ourselves.

God Bless

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I am very sorry to read this. Sorry for your pain, your struggle and lack of answers.

Might I suggest looking for purpose and meaning beyond "religion" and sexuality? Jesus can be as much a part of our social life, career and our humanitarian concerns for our fellow man as he is about "church".

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Message me any time you need to talk.

Re: Confession time
 

houston, i agree with hoovie, loving our neighbor, is more important than going to church, singing and giving offering. try to involve yourself in community activities and don't be so hard on yourself for sins of lust. god knows our hearts and our limits. i think indulging in porn is better than indulging in physical acts and as you get older these will fade away. mtd's perfection gospel is hooey.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston I am so sorry that I don't have the right words to say. I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this life conflicted and hurting. I understand about asking God what is the purpose and why won't You take this from me. I am praying for you and don't be deceived God is not far from you. Don't let your eyes deceive your faith.

Something else to think about, nobody is going to heaven without scars from this world.

Re: Confession time
 

I will be praying for you. There are struggles that we all go through. I pray God sends you deliverance and peace, soon.

Re: Confession time
 

Please don't be too hard on yourself.
We all fight things on a daily basis.
Sometimes it seems God is a million miles
away, but, He's not.
You are in my prayers, Houston.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I know what a struggle this sin is. I know that God is indeed a healer and a deliverer to those who cry out to Him. everyday, it seems like you cannot get victory, and all the religious cliches are nothing more than empty words that sound hollow when you're alone and those temptations come on you. Allow me, my friend, and a brother, that I am praying for you, and I love you in Christ. I will be here, if you desire an ear to hear, and a heart to pray for you.

Your struggle, I believe, is just that, a struggle. It does not mean you cannot be victorious. It may take more time, but I know God is not a failure, and He will keep His people. And, when these temptations come into your heart and mind, I am asking for ministering, warring, and guardian angels to go forth on your behalf and battle these spirits. You are a child of the King, and do have royal blood flowing in your veins spiritually. In Jesus name, I speak a word of deliverance to your situation, and that supernatural joy would fill your heart and life, and that through the joy of the Lord, you would have strength and find Him to be your stronghold.

Brother, if you want an ear to hear and love ya in Christ, I will PM my phone number and e-mail address to you. Feel free to contact me.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I know you can change. I know you can live a victorious and over coming life. I know you can stop the self condemnation and loathing and it starts with His Mercy and Grace.

From there it's one day at a time spent with Jesus in prayer and reading his word

Condemnation and guilt won't help you. Self Pity is your enemy.

The path towards healing will have many faults but in order to be healed you must get up and not spend time condemning yourself and instead turn to the Healer.

Don't say "I tried that" for it is a lifelong process.

I will be praying for you my brother.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I will be praying for you. God sure does love you a whole lot. ( I am very confident of that)

Re: Confession time
 

Despite what anyone says or believes God will deliver you. You need deliverance and Jesus can break those bonds and set you free. ALL sins are forgivable we just must want to hate them and desire to be delivered. I will pray for you. I don't believe this has to be a continuing struggle. There is power in the Blood to set you free.

Re: Confession time
 

This is the Steve Epley I love! :thumbsup

Re: Confession time
 

Amen

Re: Confession time
 

I believe in our message of deliverance. Society and the church world has got us into recovery class mode(glad for all you have gotten any kind of help from anything)but our message is not recovery but deliverance. We don't have to be satisfied with anything less.

Re: Confession time
 

I really want to believe this - and know it can happen just like that.

But when it doesn't we must never stop being kind, loving and caring and be prepared to pray until victory comes - regardless how long it takes.

Re: Confession time
 

I desire to be loving-kind-caring and at the same time hating this horrid sin. And being careful that kindness is not mistaken for acceptance.

Re: Confession time
 

Good stuff right here!

Re: Confession time
 

Bro. Epley: Great posts.

The reason I hate religion that doesn't address sin is that it leaves people living in the sin that is destroying them, both inside and out. It isn't compassionate; it isn't kind; it's cruel.

houston, I'm SO sorry for your struggle. You will only find relief in God. Only God.

Re: Confession time
 

The whole message of society on this issue is to accept it and nothing can be done to change it. That is correct as far as society is concerning. But nothing is impossible with God. He delivers period from anything.

Re: Confession time
 

I particularly agree with the posts by Elder Epley, Hoovie, and MissBratperson. I think all of the following are relevant (kind of pulled together from those posts);

- God does still deliver people from sin.

- That deliverance is sometimes instantaneously and sometimes over time

- Some struggles may not be something God chooses to deliver us from but may be our "thorn in the flesh" to endure our lifetime BUT we can still live an overcoming and victorious life in Christ with the help of the Holy Spirit.

- We must hate the sin and not excuse it while loving the sinner.

- In exhibiting the fruit of the spirit we must make sure that people do not mistake love, kindness, etc as approval of sin.

Re: Confession time
 

Amen to all of the above.

Re: Confession time
 

:highfive

Re: Confession time
 

I believe it worthy of note that we are ALL sinners saved by the grace of God. Simply stated, from God's 'point of view,' those 'little white lies' we were guilty of having previously comitted are on the same level as that of willfully taking the life of another, or a host of other wicked deeds. Likewise, homosexuality is no more or less sin than murder, adultery, lying, stealing, or a host of other things which God intensely abhors.

I was 48+ years old when I heard of the glorious life saving (and changing) message of eternal salvation which Jesus Christ made posssible for me by His death, burial and resurrection. And when I first read the apostle Paul's words to Timothy, wherein he professed to have once been the "chief" sinner (see I Timothy 1:15), this thought entered my mind: "Wow! Imagine that; my name would have appeared in the Bible had Paul known me, for surely the sins he had been guilty of comitting prior to his conversion could never have equalled mine! Had he known me, and the many sinful things I had done he would have had to written to Timothy that 'Beside that scoundrel Don Evans, I am the chief sinner."

I state these things to you, Houston, so that I might say this. While you state that you 'were' guilty of having once participated in homosexuality, but have refrained from it during the past six years, when you obeyed the dictates of Acts 2:38, and became 'born again of the water and of the Spirit,' you became a new creature in Christ. But while God no longer holds such wicked deeds to you account, know for a certainity that the enemy does, and he will forevermore seek to remind you of them. However, please be mindful of these words recorded in Romans 8:1 - "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Therefore I can only encourge you to be aware of the source from which whatever condemnation you may be experiencing originates: they come from none other than the enemy, who continually accuses God's chosen ones (see Revelation 12:10).

No one presently among the living is without trials which continually 'tests' our faith in God and His wondrous promises. And none who have chosen to follow the example set forth for us by Christ Jesus are so pious that we are beyond the enemy's efforts to draw us back into his wicked ways. As long as we are resident in these fleshy bodies we each must confront, and overcome, its desires which are contrary to the Spirit (see I Peter 2:11).

In closing, I would urge you to be mindful of this: The sins of your past are no greater than mine, or any other member of this forum. We were ALL at one time sinners, separated from God and destined to an eternity with Satan and his wicked band in the eternal flames. But thanks be to God, whose love for mankind was so great that He also inhabited a human body, experienced and was victorious over the very same lusts of the flesh which we each have been compelled to confront, but just as He was able to overcome those temptations, we who possess the same Spirit that dwelt in Him are able to do the same by reliance upon Him. As Paul so aptly expressed: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

My prayer shall be for your victory over what you perceive to be such an hinderance, but as others have already stated, in God we are more than overcomers! I urge you, as others have also done, to give your troubles to God, for He does love each of His own even beyond our imagination!

Re: Confession time
 

We're all broken. However, God's grace is greater than our sin. Don't doubt God's love for you. He loved us all while we were yet sinners. If it were so easy to be "holy" Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross for each and every one of us. Don't give up. God's on your side.

God can and does deliver. Sometimes He chooses to allow us to struggle. Victory sometimes comes towards the end of our journey, everything up to that point is a learning experience of the soul/spirit.

Forgive yourself. Stop hating yourself. See yourself as God sees you... through Christ. You are robed in Christ's righteousness... not your own. Once you get past the performance mindset and embrace grace... you'll realize what it means to walk in the Spirit. Then true healing begins.

God wants you to do two things... love Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. And to demonstrate that love by loving others as yourself. Everything else is dispensational commentary. In these two principles, the entire law is fulfilled.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, just coming on here and reading your post this morning. It was a brave thing you did to publicly confess your struggles on a public forum.

All of the advice that has been posted here so far has been given with love and truth.

In reality, we all have struggles. Some struggles with sin are more obvious, and detrimental than others, but that doesn't make the struggle any less painful in each of our lives.

I do believe there is complete deliverance available for any sin struggle we have. But it will be a day to day walking it out ... there is no "magic pill" that will solve it or take it away. Perhaps it is a thorn in the flesh God uses to keep one humble, I don't know.

I will be praying for you.

Re: Confession time
 

:yourock