Joke Thread
 

Every forum needs a joke thread..................

A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"

The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

The pastor stood up for his sermon and the congregation couldn't help but notice several bandages on his face. "Excuse me," says the pastor, "but this morning I was so deep in thought about my sermon that I cut myself shaving."

When the service had ended and the pastor was saying goodbye to everyone as they filed out the door, one old curmudgeon shakes the pastor's hand and says, "Next time think about shaving and cut the sermon."

jwarv, is that avatar part of the joke?

Saints?

NO way! :club:club:club

I have been a Saints fan as far back as when they were the Aints. They are just getting to be a good team why change now........

The Sunday School teacher announced a prize for the first child to memorize the books of the Bible. A giant candy bar! Little Johnny wanted that candy so badly, he worked at memorizing the books of the Bible for many hours, every day till next Sunday. But, alas, he failed. He was sure someone else would win.

The teacher asked how everyone was doing. Little Johnny said he only got the books of the Old Testament done. The teacher said, "Well that's pretty good. Let's hear it!"

Little Johnny stood up, cleared his throat, and began. "In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. . . ."

Why did the alligator cross the road?

To eat the chicken!

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had - it locks..."

Reminds me of something I saw once. A lady parked her car and got out, closed the door. She started looking in her purse for her keys to lock the car. Then she noticed that the window was open. She happily popped the lock button down and went on her way!

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered. "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

I love this one.

These 16 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:

#16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

#15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

#14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

#13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

#11 'You don't know how fast you were going??? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

#10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

#9 'Warning!?? You want a warning??? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

#8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7 'Fair??? You want me to be fair??? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

#6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

#5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

#4 'How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?'

#3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

#2 'I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'



AND THE WINNER IS:

#1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?? You're right, we don't!! Sign here.'

:killinme

Those are great!

Signs of the Times
 

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business. "
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We like tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-Smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's Window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! (Dog food is expensive!)"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet: Miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary ---- we hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you sent in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up. "
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak !"

:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol:lol

Husband at Wal-Mart

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them
in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away."

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag
of M&M's on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a
carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him,
he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just
leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "OH NO!
IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

That was a good one..............

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of
teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging
the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were
jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."

Computer Dependency


This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female? To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down, dummy

3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a bitter ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You
choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you
haven't gone to sleep yet

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like dirt. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A deep breath doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport.

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck! :)

True story --

While teaching 5th grade history, I added a bonus question to the test: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?" (Answer: Philadelphia)

One student answered "At the bottom".

I HAD to give her the bonus points! :lol

A service station in Chipman used to have a sign behind the counter that stated its credit policy;

To qualify for a credit account you must be at least 85 years old and accompanied by your parents.

I was at a company picnic for my son's work, and the owner had a friend there whose sideline was magic, to entertain the guests. Card tricks, coin tricks, sleight of hand, that sort of thing. He was pretty good. I was chatting with him and found out his regular job was with the post office. I teasingly said to him, "Oh, is that where you learned how to make things disappear?"

He didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. I said, "Oh, I bet you hear that all the time." He said, "No. That was the first time."

I smiled and backed away slowly. :uhoh

Talking Dog for Sale
 

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

Was he reloading?

Maybe. But he did make me disappear!

Ever wonder why cowboys want to die with their boots on?
"I recon it's so they won't hurt their toes when they kick the bucket."

Directions

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a
customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the
next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the
next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and
the number is on the mailbox.

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color
is your house?"

The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

A frantic lady called 911 and said "My house is on fire! HELP!"

The dispatcher said, "Try to stay calm, ma'am. Now, tell me how the firefighters can get to your house."

The lady said, "Oh? Don't they have those big, red trucks?"

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."