To tell or not to tell an adopted child
 

If you had an adopted child, would you tell them what you know about their birth parents? If so, at what stage of their lives? (I realize some adopting parents don't know much about the birth parents but let's assume you do.)

IF I had one, I would want to tell them at some point... it would need to be after they are old enough to comprehend what you are telling them, but before they are old enough to say, "Why haven't you told me this before?"

Just for medical reasons alone, I believe an adopted child should have the right to know whether the people believed to be his/her parents are actually his/her parents.

I would also throw in the line that you specifically chose them to be your child, where biological relationships are a game of chance... (or however you wanted to word it).

It depends upon the circumstances. Some things can cause bitterness in a child and would probably be best left for later when they are old enough to process things.

I do not think that it is a good idea to hide the truth from the child(ren) especially as they come of age. Adopted children are special in that they are "chosen" by their adoptive parents. The rest of us just kind of showed up in the stork's basket and our parents had to take us whether we were planned or not.

As an adopted child I can just tell you that all of them I have ever known (thats a lot too) that it has been kept from for any amount of time were more bitter at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner. I think young is better personally and everyone I have ever delt with agrees. This may not be the thing for everyone but there is usually no reason not to tell...

Yes sometimes the circumstances can be bad... you dont have to tell them that anyways! All that needs to be said is... they did what they felt was best for you! Its an always heard answer and it is almost always the truth! Mine was the worst of circumstances yet I was told this my entire life... I grew up with absolutely not hate towards my bio mom whatsoever! I hurt yes! Who doesnt but I did not hate her ... I had a lot of questions but no hate.

I was fortunate enough to meet my biological mother and many of my siblings a couple of years ago and I wouldnt trade them OR my real parents for anything!

All that to say.... I was told the first time the day I was brought home from the hospital and until the day I could understand,,,, Then it was explained... I was maybe 6.

NEVER keep what you know about their parents from them... the minute you feel they are old enough to understand tell them! If you know who and where and why tell them! Keeping these things will kill them on the inside. The hardest part was when I found out my cousin was the nurse who delivered me and knew everything and kept it from me all those years... I think I hated her more than the fact that I was adopted!

We told our adopted ones from the very beginning and I personally think it is best...I know many factors are involved and many have different opinions. I love my adopted ones just as much as I love Raul Jr and feel no difference in my heart between them and Raul Jr.

Please go to Sister Alvear's picture thread and you can see our children...in the missions section.

Sister Alvear is awesome.Take her advice.Its a good thing.I know of some who were not told but were told later and had to rebuild their who
foundation of who they were.Its not good to not be honest.My aunt and
uncle always told my cousin as soon as he could understand that they did
not just have him but choose him to be their son.He was no accident but
on purpose they decided to share their lives with a child.There is a loving and
awesome way to let a child know they are just what you always wanted.

I would say until you been there your not likely to know...you can guess as to what you might say or do...but you can not know for sure..


Adoption is a complicated issue, and not cut and dry simple....it all depends on the situation. It is my belief that we all have a right to know about our history good or bad.

not sure what I would do, but my husbands sister let her daughter know she was adopted about the time she started school then let her know more as she got older

had a friend in Ga her 4 year old would tell people she had 2 moms a birth mom and a real mom.

I think it would be good to let them know as they are ready

Both of our sons are adopted.

We got Justin at age 3 1/2 and Keith at 17 months (they are not biological), so they have both known from the very beginning that they are adopted.

We've told them both that the reason we have them instead of their birth parents is because, while their birth parents loved them deeply, neither of them were in a place in their lives where they could be the kinds of parents that babies deserve to have. We've made it absolutely clear that the birth parents were not bad people. I truly do not believe that any of them are. They were simply too young, too immature, too troubled.........

We've also let them know that we have alot more information on both sets of birth parents for them. And that when we believe that they are in a place in their lives where they are mature enough to handle it, we will be happy to share that information with them. In the meantime, we've asked them to trust us enough to know that we only want what is in their best interest. Justin will be 18 in December and graduates high school in June of 2008. At that time, we will help him make contact with his birth mother. Keith sees his biological grandmother and his biological half-brother once a year already. He never asks about his birth mother, but we will help him to meet her when he is older as well.

In my opinion....this is what makes a successful adoption .....parents who realize the special circumstances for an adopted child...when adoptive parents are over protective and jealous of the birth parents it causes such pain for the child, who is innocent in the whole thing. I think that in many cases open adoption helps everyone...as long as the birth parents realize that the adoptive parents are just that the parents...I am hoping that adoption will become the first choice for young women and NOT abortion! I just hate abortion and what it has caused...the women who started all that, who has now changed her mind...wonder how she sleeps at night knowing what has happened because of her actions! She if fighting for the other side now, but the damage that has been done....oh my heart aches for all those babies....

Although I do not have personal experience with adoption, I have had several friends that have adopted children. I do think the earlier the better. The best case scenario is - begin to talk about the child as a special gift to your family that was given by a loving bio parent from the time the child is a part of your family. If it is talked about from the beginning- then you do not have to decide when to tell them and you do not have to worry about how or who tells them.

What about the cases where the father is unknown?

For instance, I have a cousin who is now 19 yrs old. His mom was pregnant with him when she married my uncle. She was at a bar and had a one-night stand. She has no idea who the guy was.

Matthew has never been told that he has a different father than my uncle. Him and his sister, who's father is my uncle, look alike, so he's never wondered.

In my opinion, in this instance, it would be more damaging to tell him that his father is unknown. There is no way to find out who he is, and for me, the suspense would kill me, wondering for eternity.

In most cases, however, I agree that telling them from the beginning that they are adopted, so there are no surprises later. In addition, tell the siblings that the one child is adopted too. I know a woman from my former church who never told her other children that her 'first-born' wasn't her's. They were teens when they found out and were devastated. They felt robbed in some way.

I think adopting kids is giving them such a wonderful opportunity to have a life they probably wouldn't have had otherwise. It's a great thing.

It would depend on the type of adoption, etc. But generally I think it is better to tell at a younger age so they know about it as soon as possible and to know that they were CHOSEN. That can be pretty special.

Another thing I think is very important is for the birthparents... even if you have no intentions of meeting the child ever... tell your other family... just in case... my biological parents never told a soul.... Therefore it didnt set too well with my siblings at first... they were ummmm shocked to say the least!

I have a friend from high school that had a daughter before marriage and then never told her that her Dad wasn't her real Dad. Somehow she found out from someone else!! I heard it was terrible.

My Dad has never known who his real Dad is although he always knew he didn't know. It never bothered him before but now that he is older he would like to know some things for medical reasons.

I've always felt that it was important for our boys to know right from the beginning that they were adopted.

Every one of us is a unique and special individual. Part of what makes us unique and special are the backgrounds we come from, the environments we are raised in and the people who've loved us along the way.

So, in my opinion, my children's adoptions are just another part of what makes them unique and special. Since that is all part of who they are, they have a right to know who they are from the very beginning.

Sis TS, you've hit on a very important point!!!

I've told both of our boys several times over the years that one of the things that has convinced me that their birth mothers are loving women who cared about their babies is the fact that they did not choose abortion. Both could have done that. But they didn't. They made the much harder decision to give birth to their baby and then allow someone else to be their parents.

Our oldest son's birth mother had been pregnant 7 times by the time our son was 6 years old. He was her firstborn. She lost him at 3 months, got him back at 8 months and lost him again at 9 months. She finally had her parental rights severed at 3 years of age. She had a daughter by the time Justin was 1 year old. Then the day before she lost parental rights for him, she had an abortion. She then gave birth to two more boys (who she kept), then she lost a baby boy (at 5 months in her pregnancy) and finally gave birth to a baby girl who she gave up for adoption before she was even born.

This was a confused, messed up young lady who had had a very rough time growing up. No, I don't agree with anything she did. But I don't see her as an ogre or a devil child. I see her as a young lady in tremendous need of someone to love and guide her and most of all, in need of a Savior.

And I am sooooooooooo thankful that the child she gave birth to will not need to follow that same pattern that she was following. The cycle can be stopped NOW. And who knows, maybe one day Justin will be the one who leads his birth mother to the Lord.

Never would the child need to know the terrible details, but the truth as to his biolgy is important...if this child should find out by accident...what pain that would cause and they would probably never trust their partents again...if you know the truth then others do and some day it might slip out!

That would be wonderful!

As an adopted child (by my dad), I always knew I was adopted and am thankful my parents never hid it from me. I was 25 before I started researching my biological father's side of the family. He had been killed in a tractor trailer accident after my dad had adopted me. Everyone wants to know a little about their family history and the adopted child needs to know as well. It WILL help them understand some of their tendencies and traits.

My dad and mother brought me to see my biological grandmother before she passed.

I knew of a similar situation--biological mother, adopted dad--where the child was approaching his teen years and the parents still hadn't told him. They have never found "a good time" to tell him.

Tell them when they are young. It's much easier. Furthermore, I have heard countless stories where an aunt, uncle, grandmother, older sibling, etc. "spilled the bean" before the parents found that "good time" to tell the child themselves.

Yes.....truth or as much as you can tell is important....my husband adopted our son .....when we were married, our son was 4 and we talked about it before hand....my hubby has been a very good father to him, when our son was a teen I called his bio dad for him and they meant...but didn't really build a relationship. My hubby is his DAD!

On the flip side, sometimes it can be devastating to a child to find out that he doesn't share the same parents that his siblings do.

I have a friend who has 3 boys. While they are close in age, she had a 4 yr old son when she got married to her husband. The father wants nothing to do with his son and never has, so Jason has been his father, and Austin has always called him 'dad'.

When he was about ten, his mother decided it would be a good idea to tell Austin that Jason wasn't his real father. This did more harm than good. Austin is now 12 yrs old and is out of control (there are more issues here than just finding out that Jason isn't his father). He throws it in his mother's face that Jason isn't his 'real' dad and gives her a hard time.

I and other friends advised her not to tell him, especially considering that his 'real' dad didn't want anything to do with him and how harmful that might be. I told her that he didn't have to know, and I believed that to be best. She didn't agree, but I'm sure she now sees that she should have left well-enough alone.

My children have always known that their father doesn't care for them, and that knowledge is devastating to them. The difference is, I don't have a dad for them at all, so they had no choice but to have that information, but I can tell you, if I did have a dad for them, I would have kept it a secret that they had another family.

My info comes from living on the other side.

Exactly. All it takes to be a father is to be a male. It takes someone special to be a DAD. :)

Tell your husband that. He'll appreciate it.

H1, I have to disagree with you here. I think that if she had never told him, and then he found out later (like when he was 16 or older), he would have been more angry than ever. She would have been a "liar" in his eyes. If you can't trust your parent who SAYS they love you, who can you trust?

The problem is that she should have told him long before he was 10 years old. He should have been told from the very beginning. She didn't need to say to him that his bio-dad was the scum of the earth and hated him. All she needed to tell him was that his REAL dad - the guy who loved him and was raising him - was doing it because he was special and he adored him and wanted to be there for him. Kids aren't stupid. He would have put 2 + 2 together and realized that his bio-dad was useless. But he would have felt good about himself knowing that someone loved him enough to want to be there for him.

Like I said, there is more to his problems than just that issue, but since she hadn't told him when he was younger, I don't think he should have been told at all. She also didn't tell him that his dad hated him or anything, but since he's not in the picture, it's loud and clear to him.

I do agree with you. She should have told him from the very beginning. Thing is, she had him calling her current boyfriends 'daddy' when he was younger. My brother was one of his many 'daddy's', and was hurt when that relationship was severed.

I'm just thankful that she's been married to this guy for about 8 years now and they are happily married. I never expected that from her.

I have fears about Austin. He is one of these children that, if someone told me that he was arrested after shooting people at school, I would not be surprised. He is a child full of anger and hate. His mother doesn't help him in dealing with it either.

He's been like that since he was born, so I'm not sure what circumstances caused it. When he was a baby, he would get so angry that he would hold his breath until he passed out. He did this until he was about 3 yrs old. I hope one day that Jesus gets a hold of him. He attends a UPC church, but his mom isn't consistent with what the church believes, and openly speaks against the church. I believe this has a great effect on children.

Tell them from the beginning that they were adopted so that they later do not call you a liar. Also tell them that you choose them. They are not like children that come acidently. They were choosen.

In my research, I'm finding a lot of young girls are under intense pressure from their parents and families. This is true of both adoption and abortion. A girl under 20 is very vulnerable to this type of pressure.

This is only partially true. I was told at a very early age but denied all details for 58 years. Many family members I could have met are dead.

I went from being an only child who knew he was adopted but with no details, to being 58 with 7 half brothers and sisters!!!

I have not read any of this thread other than the original post I am quoting here so perhaps someone else has my same idea.

I believe you should hold back the knowledge about the child being adopted until you are really, really, mad at them. Then use it by saying something like "Oh yeah? Well guess what! You are adopted!!!!!!! So I know you didn't get this kind of behaviour from me or your dad!!!!!!!!"

I am sure that this is the kind of parenting that Rhoni would affirm if she had not run off.

Truth needs to be made known but can be painful.I believe a wise praying mother and father know when to share it.Not every person who gives up a child has become a winner.Some don't want to ever know the person they
gave up.Being supportive and loving and sharing the truth in love is the key.
I have a close relative who did not find out her dad was not her biological dad until she was 24.It rocked her foundation.Thankfully she got closer to Jesus than
she ever was.