Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

A Christian man, taking medications and very highly intoxicated, attempted to kill his wife and one of his sons.

He initially pulled the trigger on his wife and the gun didn't fire.

His son tried to wrestle the gun out of his hands and failed. The father pointed the gun and shot his son, grazing the side of his son's head.

Now this guy who did all of these terrible things, did them in front of his 7 year old daughter.



You have been a friend of this family for awhile. You're familiar with the struggles that lead up to these sad events.



Now that your friend is in jail, do you go and visit him?


If yes, what do you say? What do you talk about?

If no, well, is that the way to treat a friend?


I'm troubled by the whole situation-- especially since I warned them both on separate occasions, more than once, that they should divorce for their own safety. I really don't know how I am supposed to relate to them any more, or if I even should.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

Don't think about whether you should visit him. Think about whether you want to visit him.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

Wow, what a horrible situation. If it was a long time friend, I might visit. I would think you could listen and try to be understanding. If he was high/drunk, he might not remember certain things. I would really pray about it first. And try to find out if the jail has a chaplain.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

We have a similar situation going on right now at our church. Not exactly the same, but you will get the connection:

A 40 year old man who grew up in our church and comes from a family who is very active and very upstanding was just put in jail 3 weeks ago. He is charged with child molestation and rape, among other things. He has admitted to everything. He has been molesting his daughter and her friend for the past 4 years. The girls are in the 5th grade right now. The abuse actually started when they were between 3-4 years old and lasted a couple years, then stopped for a time before he started up again.

This has been a very hard thing for all of us. Mostly because we have all been friends with this man all these years and considered him a brother in the Lord. It's hard to turn off that love. In fact, I have been surprised at my own reaction. I seriously would have thought before this happened that I would immediately hate this man because of what he did. Instead, I find that I do not hate him. I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE. I hate his SIN. But I am terrified for his soul and very, very concerned for him. His father has come to us and asked if we would consider writing to this man in the jail. NOT to say that we agree. Or that we support him in any way. Only to let him know that, while we are thoroughly disgusted by what he has done, we still pray for him and for his soul. We are going to do this. We are NOT going to go to the prison to visit. Mostly because visitors are so very limited in prisons and we want to leave those spots free for his parents. But, whether we approve or not (again I say - we DO NOT), this man still is a living soul who will spend eternity somewhere. That soul is important to God. And that makes his soul important to us.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

I warned him. I told him that he should just leave. I can't think of any situation where I have advised or suggested divorce as a valid option.

Yet for this family, I knew things would get violent again. I just never thought it would go like this.

He could have killed his son!


I know that he would have NEVER wanted to do this if he was in his right mind.

He worked so, so hard to provide for his family.

His house is absolutely stunning! The work, the detail he put into it-- simply unbelievable!


Some of the folks on his side of the family actually tried to blame the wife for allowing things to get so bad in the first place-- they think she should have left him a long time ago.


However, neither one of them believed in divorce.

One of the last times I spoke with him over the phone, they were watching Joyce Meyer together.

At that moment, they were determined to ensure that "satan would not have the victory in their marriage."

I didn't know what to say to that either. In fact, he frustrated me when he said that I lost my cool with him.

I told him he wasn't making any sense, but then I felt bad for encouraging their divorce-- but I promise it would have been the best thing for the both of them.

There is just so much to this situation-- and I saw it all unfolding in front of me.

I tried, I really tried to warn them. I prayed for them. I invited them to my church, but they weren't interested in being "Pentecostal." They attended the church about a mile down the street from mine.


I don't blame me in whole, but in part.

I keep thinking that I could have done or said something to stop things from going the way they did.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

I don't want to just let him rot there.

We haven't talked since it happened and I am thinking that I maybe should go visit him.

I'm just at a loss for words as to what we could possibly talk about.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

Jermyn, the counselors have told us that when something like this happens, those of us on the outside (those not directly involved) will also go thru all the stages of grief just like the people directly involved will. We are grieving the loss of a friendship, the loss of trust, and all kinds of other things.

I don't know if you know what the stages of grief are, but if you don't, it might be worth your while to google search it. YOU are not the guilty party here. You did everything you could have done. Please don't beat yourself up thinking that you could have or should have done more. He was an adult and made adult decisions. But the point is that HE made the decisions. You did all you could.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

Talk about yourself.

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

Jermyn, why don't you go and let him talk. See what he has to say. You may find that what he needs more than anything else is just someone to simply listen to him. Don't feel like you've got to do all the talking. And, if he will talk, you will know what to talk about! Just my thoughts....

Been Thinkin

Re: Would You Visit This Man Who...
 

I know that in both VA and TN an inmate must put together a list of a set amount of potential visitors (about 10). They only let the people on that list visit the inmate.