...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

I was reading the thread on The Call To Perfection and I was deeply convicted. The brother posting is passionate about victory over sin and I can honestly say that I was inspired. While I think we tangle over words to use and ways to express the need for sanctification, we are called to sanctification. I began to think about the sins I struggle with. The sins that I sometimes cherish, the sins that I also hate. I once read about how sins can have a hold on us as long as we keep them hidden. They fester and grow in power, keeping us in bondage until we bring them into the light. I looked up what are known as the 7 Deadly Sins to keep things simple. Here they are:

1. Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

2. Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

3. Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

4. Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

5. Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

6. Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

7. Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

The sins I struggle with are Pride, Envy, Lust, and Anger. I’ll share a little about my pride…

I can be filled with such religious pride it a stench in God’s nostrils. I can be so full of myself, thinking that I’m the expert in everything when in fact; I only know enough to be dangerous many things in many things. I’ve attended extremely conservative churches with extremely high standards and I often feel like “I’ve been there and done that.” I often boast that I was a “Pharisee of the Pharisees”. And since I’ve discovered new dimensions of grace, I’ve become even more proud that I came from that background because I can speak from experience, just to give someone a piece of my mind. Also, I came from a very poor family and I’ve worked my way up to living quite well. I know I’ve been blessed by God and that others have helped me along the way… and without God and those who love me, I’d be nothing. But many times inside I feel like I deserve all the credit. For about three years I chose to live in an area in town that was WAY above my budget…just because I thought I was above living in other areas. I was going broke to feed my pride. Recently a young lady convinced me to move into a more affordable neighborhood. While it wasn’t what I consider “idea”, it’s truly livable and my finances appear to be ready to stabilize. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I’m realizing that this is a sin that I loved. It gave me identity. God has worked to humble me within the past three years. A divorce, being a part time dad, being broke and having to move to a less desired location, only being able to afford a car that comes in a lovely shade of “birth control” (as my friends jokingly say), developing a relationship with a lovely young lady who seems to be so humble I’m always telling her she needs to think of herself more. All these things have worked to reveal to me my need for humility and it’s really starting to get to me. I want to be more like Jesus…but I’ve realized that for years I haven’t been. God forgive me.

So…if there is anyone out there who wishes to discuss their struggles candidly, openly, and honestly… just to get it off your chest or to bring it to the light for prayer. Please feel free. Let’s not bash or attack one another. We need one another. Let this be a confessional discussion wherein all the masks come off and we stand as we are before one another so that we might sincerely pray for one another and encourage one another. You can be as specific and detailed as you like... or as general as you like. This is a thread to just unload your burdens and pray with brothers and sisters. We're family. There isn't a sin so dirty we'd reject you. Let's walk in the light and be cleansed.

Your brother in Christ,

Aquila

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

ahhh, Aquila, I'm not sure how well this will work over the internet.

There are many places of brokenness in my life that I would not even care to share in such a public forum.

Honestly though, I'll share the most broken thing about me.

I'm at a place in my walk with God where I'm walking by faith. I mean literally putting one foot in front of the other because I remember what it is like to have an awesome relationship with God. But I'm so numb with pain that most times I don't feel the joy and peace of the HG in my life.

I'm going through the motions, waiting for God to restore me. I'm reading my bible and going to church and trying to pray, but it feels like i have heavy weights on me and I'm trudging through life.

I think that is all i will say about it. But I wanted to share also, since you opened up to share, I could not bear to let you do it alone.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Thank you.

I pray God strengthen and keep you. The Bible says,

Philippians 1:6
English Standard Version (ESV)
6And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

God didn't reveal Himself to you, convict your soul, and fill you with the Holy Ghost in vain. As Paul was sure, so am I, God Himself, who began a good work in YOU, will bring it to completion when all is said and done. We often go through trials, storms, deserts, sin, and valleys darkened by the very shadow of death... but if we hold on to our faith... God will always carry us through.

I'm in a place of great brokenness also. That's why I'm posting these things. I need healing. I know others do too. They also need to know that they are not alone.

My second sin that I struggle with is envy. I was born again in a United Pentecostal Church at the age of 13 (I’m 35 now). I seemed to advance in my studies far beyond my peers. I quickly learned the rules and lived a very strict life. Today I often say I was “Amish light”. I rarely missed a service; I was always in attendance for prayer meetings and revivals. I would even spend at least two hours praying at home around the time I was ready to graduate from high school. I had such a passion and thirst for God. My first pastor said that I had an anointing and a calling on my life. After high school I married my high school sweetheart and we got our first place. She was attending church with me and was highly gifted in music and singing. They began to use her a lot. I began teaching Sunday School and helping with youth functions. My first pastor encouraged us to look into Indiana Bible College but a church split was beginning and my first pastor’s health was deteriorating. I strongly believed in loyalty to the pulpit… so I didn’t go to Bible college and I chose to keep my family in church to be of help after the split and to be of help to our ailing pastor. After he died our new pastor didn’t seem to acknowledge those of us who were in service and felt called. He brought in “new blood” and it seemed like we were tossed aside. After a couple years I made it to the “minister’s team” and I was put on a preaching rotation with most of the new guys. I felt that I had integrated well and that God had given me favor. The congregations LOVED my sermons and even requested that I preach on several occasions. Those men that I was associated with under my first pastor slowly began leaving church to start their own churches, each telling me I’d never be truly used or released under the second pastor and that I’d never realize my calling in Christ. I stayed loyal to my pulpit. My wife began feeling the same thing. She said we were being used and would never be released to do anything from God. I looked back into Bible College and my second pastor said he didn’t feel I should go or had to go. He stated that the church could provide everything a Bible college could provide…without the student loan debt. So I trusted him. My wife was starting to really struggle in her spiritual walk. The ladies left her out of things; she wasn’t used in music ministry as much as before, she felt totally alone. No family in church and a church that largely didn’t have any interest in investing in her or allowing her to leave the nest. Soon tensions flared, my wife had had it, and I was left trying to scramble to put keep my family together. The excessive standards became accusations against me and the church as being spiritually abusive. We soon left to attend another church. Now I was the “new guy” and I felt guilty even trying to get involved because so many men were members for years and aspiring to a calling in Christ. My wife and I both got involved with music and I was told that I’d be placed on the minister’s team of this new church. This never happened. This church was a wonderful church…but it seemed like they’d promise you the moon and stars…only to not come through. My wife went into melt down and open fighting began at home. Soon it was so much to bear we started missing church. My wife began to have an affair and pushed for an “open marriage”. I was devastated but I tried to remain understanding. I advocated getting counseling and mending our relationship but she informed me that she wanted nothing to do with me or the church. And she left.

I see men who seem to have been in the right place at the right time and I wonder why, when I worked so hard, was so loyal, and supposedly so “anointed” I was left to rot and simmer in my own juices spiritually? I think of those men who left “in rebellion” and started their own churches. One even looked me in the eye and said, “I told you so.” I envy them for their courage to defy the pulpit and make their callings a reality. I hate me. I beat myself against a closed door for nearly 21 years and feel like I fell in a spiritual coma. I envy them. I envy many of you. I did all I knew to do. Why is it those who succeed typically already have family in ministry? Is it really a family business? Why didn’t anyone just pat me on the back and tell me to give it up before all this? I could have done something for God. And so there are times when I’m consumed with envy and self loathing. However, things have lightened up a bit at the Baptist church I attend. I can fade into the background and just breathe. No one knowing how much of a failure I am. I often miss the Apostolic walk. I don't miss the legalism and emotional abuse I endured. However, I've been hurt so bad and in so many ways... I don't trust churches. The Baptist church I attend has house churches. Very close, private groups, wherein everyone has a say. I feel safe. I feel like I can open up. I feel like I can defend myself. Of course... many have no clue as to what the Apostolic experience is. Sometimes when I talk about the power and depth of relationship with God, they just stare like they can't believe it's possible. Many in my house church are into the "exchanged life". After learning about it I felt like there would be no group that could experience the "exchanged life" to the depth of Apostolics. But the Apostolics I know are far too concerned about the cutting of hair, television, and dress codes. :(

Some days... I feel that anointing and I feel like one day I'll return from the wilderness to some form of Apostolic fellowship. But when I just turn towards the Apostolic movement as it's found in my community... my soul becomes grieved and sickened.

I miss being so filled with Christ, it was like His very power and Spirit consumed me. I miss the gifts. It was like walking in revelation every moment. Recently I've been drawn to the topic of spiritual warfare because of some things that have happened recently that I believe are of a demonic origin. I realized the only way I know how to fight spiritually is... as an Apostolic. The Baptists (while having some very deep concepts of "grace") have nothing on Apostolics when it comes to spiritual warfare.

Also... I've felt Apostolics praying for me. I don't know who they are. But I feel them. I'm saddened however. Because many of them are no doubt in the churches wherein I suffered much pain.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Aquila, I wish i could pray with you in person right now,
but instead I will walk to my bedroom right now and get down on my knees and pray for you dear brother.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Another one is lust. I’ve had my struggles with lust on and off here and there as many men have. No longer having a spouse in the home has presented considerable challenges and battles in this area. I’ve not won them all. I’m used to having a companion. And so lately I’ve struggled with this more than I have since adolescence. Having a “lady-friend” who is also a divorcee has also been both a blessing and challenge. I hope to remarry one day. So I’m taking things slow. But there have still bern challenges. I know I’m not gifted as Paul was to be celibate. Thank God she's a Christian (she has Apostolic background too). So right or wrong…I’ll most likely remarry. In the mean time I struggle with many temptations and some days are victorious…some days I stare in the mirror with shame and the hate I have for myself just increases tenfold. During this season of being without a wife (about two years) I experienced what I believed was a blessed victory over lust . It lasted maybe two months. Then one day I was like a deer in rut. I prayed, sang, read my Bible, jogged, recited Scripture, called a friend, asked for prayer, and it was like my need overwhelmed me and I was defeated…again. I hear guys talk about being sinlessness and walking in perfection and I just don’t get it, but I want it. Still God will not deliver me. I’ve sat their thinking about just giving up on being a Christian because rather it’s hormones, psychological, emotional, perversion, possession, oppression, or what… I can only maintain periodic victory and then “BAM!”…I fall. I’m not sure if I’ll ever experience the total freedom I so desperately desire. So, I do expect to remarry. Maybe that will help. Until then, I’m in the fight of my life and I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Some days, I hate me with a passion. If I could strangle myself or beat some sense into myself I would. The “Grace” teachings in the Baptist church I attend give me hope. The ol’ Apostolic line of perfection I know and here so often makes me feel like a totally hopeless wretch. I can only trust that God knows my heart… both the depths of it’s wickedness and my most sincere desire to be free from this flesh. And if these guys talking about perfection are lying about having such perfection... I would like to strangle them. Because they are walking liars and hypocrites that could drive a man to kill himself. There are times when I daydream about coming down with some deadly disease and being in a hospice. Maybe then these urges, feelings, etc. will be mute and dissipated in the shadow of facing my final demise. Maybe lying there, unable to move, knowing I’m about to die will mortify this feverish and ferocious beast of bodily flesh that I live in. In those daydreams, death greets me warm. I hope God purifies me like that. Because if I go in sudden car crash or something on a given day, there’s know telling where my mind will have been. I’ll be done for. Forever roasting in a devil’s Hell as long as God lives, with even my own creator laughing at my failures and mocking all the prayers I prayed pleading to be saved. And I’d deserve ever last bit of such torment. If there ever was a grace given wherein we are robed in a righteousness we didn’t earn or deserve, I need it desperately. I need… a Savior. Sometimes I wish I would have gotten killed on the way home from my baptism so I’d not live in constant terror of being thrown away by God because I’m so imperfect and some days… I’m all too human.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Aquila, God created you with a sex drive, you are being way to hard on yourself I think. In fact I might be a little annoyed with God that he gave us such a powerfull hormones and expects us to keep them under control.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Just be glad you are not a Catholic priest or a monk.

My Sister was molested by a Catholic priest when she was 11 years old, she has never had a relationship with a man and has never married because of it. If he had been allowed to marry, I'll bet my sister would be in a normal relationship today.

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

That's heart breaking. What's her first name?

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

Sharon

Re: ...that ye may be healed. (James 5:16)
 

You DO realize the only reason we have these drives it have babies don't you? Lots and lots of babies.

And Chris, you do realize also (I assume) that your still dealing with deeply buried legalism from the land of apostolica don't you? It is a land where one can never measure up and the god of this land is the ultimate 'Gotchya!' god just waiting for that 10-15 minute window from when you sin until you would have repented of it in order to kill you and send you to a billion trillion endless eons of torment. That's a long time to think about how great it would have been had you NOT thought daggers at the jerk who cut you off in traffic!