Confession time
 

I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.

I hate myself more every time I indulge.

I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.

What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.

It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."

But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.

Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.

The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.

I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.

In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.

You all have been great.

Thank you.

Re: Confession time
 

I will miss you....I know you refused my friendship I extended to you but I still feel like you were a friend. I have a cousin who is gay and most of the family do NOT even want to accept him as part of the family. I feel sad about it all the time. My sons girlfriend watches porn and I feel sad for her bc she says she "cant help it". I am one who NEVER says "I understand what or how you feel" UNLESS I am or have been in that situation. I have never been around porn and never have seen it nor do I have any desire to see it. What I do know about it, its NOTHING I would ever be interested in the least to see , I have all I need lying in the bed beside me at night (my husband) , nor am I gay so I do not know how any of this is making you feel. But you have my prayers Houston~ I do know single people often deal with issues of porn and their sexual status...bc in todays world, sex is a seller and most everything you see is based on sex~ It must be a struggle and I totally feel for you. I will say this, your life is something ONLY God will judge....not people. I love my cousin and I would take someone's head off if I ever heard anyone talk bad about him or call him a fag. I hate slanderous words......just like when white people have called me a ni**er lover....it is bad, wrong and hurtful. I hope you find peace and what you are looking for friend. God knows all and he will help you every day! Again, I will miss you friend and wish you would keep hanging around!!!

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I had some magical words to say that would make things better but I don't other than God loves you and when people fail you and don't understand you he does.

Some struggles we will never understand on earth. We will have to wait until heaven to find out the "why" and even then maybe not as we won't care I have a feeling.

I don't know if taking a break from AFF is a good thing or bad thing. Only you know that. My prayer is that you continue to seek after the Lord. When we get to the end of our rope sometimes we just have to tie a knot and hold on. That and ask for God's Spirit to be the comforter He promised it would be.

Keep feeding yourself spiritual food. If you continue in God's word, prayer, and worship you will make it though.

Too many times when we need God, the church, and God's people the most we turn away and turn inward. Try to solve things ourselves.

God Bless

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I am very sorry to read this. Sorry for your pain, your struggle and lack of answers.

Might I suggest looking for purpose and meaning beyond "religion" and sexuality? Jesus can be as much a part of our social life, career and our humanitarian concerns for our fellow man as he is about "church".

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Message me any time you need to talk.

Re: Confession time
 

houston, i agree with hoovie, loving our neighbor, is more important than going to church, singing and giving offering. try to involve yourself in community activities and don't be so hard on yourself for sins of lust. god knows our hearts and our limits. i think indulging in porn is better than indulging in physical acts and as you get older these will fade away. mtd's perfection gospel is hooey.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston I am so sorry that I don't have the right words to say. I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this life conflicted and hurting. I understand about asking God what is the purpose and why won't You take this from me. I am praying for you and don't be deceived God is not far from you. Don't let your eyes deceive your faith.

Something else to think about, nobody is going to heaven without scars from this world.

Re: Confession time
 

I will be praying for you. There are struggles that we all go through. I pray God sends you deliverance and peace, soon.

Re: Confession time
 

Please don't be too hard on yourself.
We all fight things on a daily basis.
Sometimes it seems God is a million miles
away, but, He's not.
You are in my prayers, Houston.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I know what a struggle this sin is. I know that God is indeed a healer and a deliverer to those who cry out to Him. everyday, it seems like you cannot get victory, and all the religious cliches are nothing more than empty words that sound hollow when you're alone and those temptations come on you. Allow me, my friend, and a brother, that I am praying for you, and I love you in Christ. I will be here, if you desire an ear to hear, and a heart to pray for you.

Your struggle, I believe, is just that, a struggle. It does not mean you cannot be victorious. It may take more time, but I know God is not a failure, and He will keep His people. And, when these temptations come into your heart and mind, I am asking for ministering, warring, and guardian angels to go forth on your behalf and battle these spirits. You are a child of the King, and do have royal blood flowing in your veins spiritually. In Jesus name, I speak a word of deliverance to your situation, and that supernatural joy would fill your heart and life, and that through the joy of the Lord, you would have strength and find Him to be your stronghold.

Brother, if you want an ear to hear and love ya in Christ, I will PM my phone number and e-mail address to you. Feel free to contact me.

Re: Confession time
 

Houston, I know you can change. I know you can live a victorious and over coming life. I know you can stop the self condemnation and loathing and it starts with His Mercy and Grace.

From there it's one day at a time spent with Jesus in prayer and reading his word

Condemnation and guilt won't help you. Self Pity is your enemy.

The path towards healing will have many faults but in order to be healed you must get up and not spend time condemning yourself and instead turn to the Healer.

Don't say "I tried that" for it is a lifelong process.

I will be praying for you my brother.