Divorce and Stress in Children
 

Divorce and Stress in Children

by Paul Faulkner


Several years ago, "The American Journal of Health" reported the sad results of a long term survey. It said when parents are divorced -- especially if the parents divorced before the children where twenty-one -- the children involved tended to have shorter life spans by more than four years than children who did not experience parental divorce.

Strangely, the same findings did not bear out for children who lost parents due to death. Divorce creates a lot of stress and unhealthy behaviors as well. The researchers believe that social isolation created by divorce might be responsible for the results of the survey. Whatever the reason, the point is even years down the line the effects are felt.

The Bible says, God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). And this is just one more reason why. However, rather than using this to emotionally beat up on divorced people -- most of whom hate divorce, too -- let's use this as a stimulus to invest and revitalize our marriages. I have often taught couples that the greatest thing they can do for their children is to love each other. However, this kind of love must go beyond mere emotion and feeling; it needs to involve demonstrative actions as well as kind words.

Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it (1 John 3:18 CEV).

We can and must learn to love each other these ways: our children's futures are riding on it!

Daniel, the scars last a long time. I am the victum of divorced parents. This happenned when I was 8. I was every other weekend with another parent and six weeks in the summer. When I was in church, it was then a battle that I could not attend church for six weeks in the summer.

"The greatest gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother!"

BOOM, I ask for obvious reasons and if you choose not to answer it's okay ...

besides being shipped back and forth ... and the trauma that brings ...

What were some of your biggest concerns and questions growing up surrounding this situation?

I thank God we don't have kids involved in our family situation.

Amen!!

My little brother has a daughter - he never married the wife which was not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion - you would understand if you knew her. However, he does his best to keep peace for the daughter's sake. If the mom and dad can't get along it makes the child's life miserable - they are usually the ones who suffers from it.

At least you got to see yours. I didn't really get to see my dad much at all until I turned 13. That's when I moved in with him. It lasted all of 9 months. Some people have no business procreating. I've forgiven both my parents for the mockery they made out of marriage, but I definitely had some really rough years.

Fear.

Fear that I would never see one parent or another. Losing my Maternal Grandfather the next year was a horrible blow as well. My Dad was an alcoholic and the year of the divorce he came over and passed out in the chair. For a long time I resisted Holidays as pagan when deep down I was fearful to face that memory again.

When Granddad died, it did cause my Dad to sober up with AA. That was good news/bad news for the Humanistic ideals he then fought with me over regarding faith.

My kids were older - 16 and 19 when we went through the divorce.

The main problem with it all was the inconsistency from their dad. He was very, very hard on raising them and made it very clear that many things were "wrong".

So, after the divorce all that went out the window and now dad believed it was alright not to go to church or even that having a relationship with God was needed and smoking, drinking, affairs and living with women was all okay.

Just a year earlier he taught the high school SS class and had taught a series on the 10 commandments - - the lesson on adultery he taught to his own son and friends while he was in an adulterous relationship.

So, the inconsistency totally blew them away.

Renda, What did you do to try to alleviate the stress in your children due to the breakup?... [and not just about dealing w/ his inconsistencies ]

Love them, love them and love them some more.

I encouraged them to continue trying to have a relationship with him, I encouraged him to have a relationship with them. I was doing what I did throughout the marriage trying to fix things.

I learned to STOP trying to fix it - I couldn't fix it, it wasn't my job to fix it, so I told the kids and my ex I was out of the middle of it all. If there was going to be a relationship between them, they would have to work on it one on one.

I could do this because by the divorce they were 18 and 21 - - adults.

I think in ways it's harder for older kids because they do have their own opinions and a longer time to compare things with. Younger children can adapt quickly, but then they have the feeling of fear, rejection and that it somehow is their fault. Older kids don't have that as much.