Hurt and Bitterness
By Winkie Pratney
Have you ever been hurt in your life? Hurt is a universal problem. It's impossible to find anyone in today's society who hasn't been hurt.
Back in the 1960's, a young man committed a horrible crime in a New York City park. An old man was resting on a bench reading a paper, and a 16-year-old boy pulled out a huge butcher knife, and stabbed the man about 130 times. When the police finally pulled the boy off the body, he was still stabbing him. They arrested him of course, and they tried to find out why he had done this.
For the longest time the boy wouldn't say a thing. The police finally said to him, “Look, who was this guy?” He said, “I don't know.” They asked, “Well, what did he do to you?” “Nothing.” “What did he say to you?” “Nothing.” They said, “You mean you just went up to a total stranger, who didn't do or say anything to you, and killed him?” “Uh, huh.” With disbelief they asked, “Why did you do that?”
The boy said, “Do you really want to know? I've got an older brother, and he's really smart, and he's a great athlete, and he's good looking and he's talented and he's everything I'm not. My mother keeps on saying, `Why can't you be famous like your older brother?' and I know there's no way that I'll ever be famous by being talented or smart or anything else. I just figured if I can't be famous that way, I'll be famous some other way. So I thought of the worst possible thing I could do and I went out and did it. At least my mother will remember me now…”
Now you could multiply this story of a young boy's hurt a million times across this country, and you could do it every day without too much exaggeration.
One little eight-year-old girl wrote me a letter. She said, “Can you help me? My father carries a picture around of my younger brother who is four and he looks just like Daddy. He also carries a picture of my older sister who is 15 and very pretty. My Daddy doesn't carry my picture around at all. I gave him a picture of me. I cut it and made sure it would fit in his wallet, but he put it in a drawer. Is there any way I can get my Daddy to carry my picture?”
These are real hurts that happen every single day. Sometimes they happen to little kids, and sometimes they happen to older people. They happen in many different ways, but they all really hurt.
Hurt has got to be one of the major problems in society today. You can get hurt so badly that you try to cut yourself off from feeling altogether. I've met girls who've said, “Hey, I've been hurt too many times. I'm never going to love anybody again. Forget it.” So you get hard and cynical. That's one way people deal with pain - they just withdraw themselves so that they won't be hurt again. But when you come to Jesus, God heals your heart and He takes the cynicism out of your life. You can once again open your heart to others and love again.
Even Christians can get hurt. Jesus was hurt. It's not wrong to be hurt, but the way you deal with your hurt makes all the difference in the world. Being hurt is a big enough problem in itself, but if that hurt is not handled in the right way, bitterness will set in. In the end it is bitterness, not “being hurt,” that will destroy you.
Recognizing Hurt
It is really not that complicated to recognize hurt, especially if bitterness has set in. Let's think of some of the characteristics of a hurt person:
(1) They show a lack of concern for others. A bitter person cares very little about anybody else.
(2) They're very sensitive and touchy. For instance, if a bitter person walks into a room where two other people are talking, and those people get quieter as he walks in, the bitter person thinks, “They're talking about me.”
(3) They become very possessive with just a few friends, and rarely ever have any really close friends. They also have an unnatural fear of losing their friends.
(4) They tend to avoid meeting new people.
(5) They show little or no gratitude at all.
(6) They will usually speak words of empty flattery or harsh criticism.
(7) They hold grudges against people, often for a long, long time. They find it extremely difficult to forgive.
(8) They often have a stubborn or sulking attitude.
(9) They are usually unwilling to share or help anybody.
(10) They end up experiencing mood extremes - very high and happy one minute, and the next thing you know, they're so low they can reach up and touch bottom.
Bitterness: The Seed Of Hell
One of the bad things about bitterness is that it doesn't stop… it keeps getting worse. It may only start as a little seed of hurt, but then it grows and festers into a very dangerous thing. "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled." (
Heb. 12.15) Question: Does bitterness just hurt the person who is bitter? Answer: No. The Bible says many people can be hurt by one person's bitterness.
I worked in the streets with Teen Challenge in the 1960's, and was sometimes out there until two or three in the morning. There were little eight or nine-year-old kids walking around, and I'd ask them, “What's your father think about you being out?” They'd say, “I don't know who he is.” And I'd ask, “Well what about your mother?” They'd say, “She don't care. She doesn't care if I come home or not.”
How Hurt Happens - Johnny's Story
In order to understand this whole problem more clearly, let's take a look at a typical pattern of hurt in today's society. Many of the hurts that shape our lives start out in early childhood, and seem to multiply and compound as we grow older. Stories like this are acted out hundreds of thousands of times each day. The details change from person to person, but the hurt remains the same.
Johnny is going to be eight pretty soon, and his dad promises to take him fishing on his birthday. So Johnny gets his calendar and circles his birthday with a big red magic marker, and he starts marking off the days. Dad is busy and has a lot of stuff on his mind, so Johnny reminds him every few days, “Don't forget we're going fishing on my birthday.” “Yes,” dad says, “We'll get up early and I'll take you.”
About a week before the big day, dad says to his secretary, “I've got a really great deal in the works, and I'm going to have to go out of town to finalize things - is there anything I need to do next week?” The secretary says, “No, it's pretty clear, except for someone's birthday.” He says, “Oh, it's my kid's birthday. I promised I'd take him fishing. Well, I'll do that some other time, I've got to close this deal. Go buy him the most expensive fishing rod you can find. He'll like that.”
On his birthday, Johnny gets up at 4:00 A.M. Dad is up too... but he's packing for his trip. Johnny gets dressed in his fishing clothes and tip-toes down the hall. He finds his dad dressed in a suit. He's got his briefcase and plane ticket in his hand and he's about to run out the door. Johnny is sure his dad has made a mistake. “Where are you going Dad? Aren't we going fishing?” Dad says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I can't do it today, but we'll do it some other time. Do you know what I bought you? Here, hurry up and open it.” Johnny quietly asks, “We're not going fishing?” His dad says, “Well look, we can go fishing anytime. I want you to open up your present. I've only got a few minutes.” Johnny shuffles slowly to the package, and just stands there looking at it. Dad's about to miss his plane. “Come on, I can't wait much longer.” So Johnny reluctantly begins to pick little pieces of paper off, bit by bit.
Let's say this particular incident is just one of many over the last eight years. Dad says, “Look, I haven't got time to watch, but I'll see you in a couple of days, O.K.?” Dad flies off on his plane, and Johnny leaves the present half wrapped. He doesn't even open it.
A couple days later dad comes home and gives his wife a big hug and kiss. “Hi honey, how are things going? The deal went terrific and we're going to have lots of money coming in. Where's Johnny?” She says, “Oh, he's in his room. He's been there the last couple of days. I think there's some problem.” So dad knocks on the door... no answer. Johnny has put up a wall. It goes like this, “You hurt me, so I'm closing my heart to you. I'm not going to let you get through again.” Invisible walls.
You know, God has given kids an amazing ability to quickly forget hurts and disappointments, but if they keep happening again and again, the hurt will probably develop into bitterness, and they don't forget. They do not forget.