Whew! With All The Posts I Need A Laugh!

[Digging4Truth]

Originally Posted by Cindy

Why are you posting about me?

I wasn't.

I was writing about your three scared friends.

[MawMaw]

That first joke was hilarious!! Had never heard that one!! LOL

[Sherri]

Thanks - I needed a good laugh today!!

[BeenThinkin]

A good ol' boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. He caught himself by grabbing the banister; his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke, making the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the hallway mirror. Ouch! He managed to find a box of Band Aids, and proceded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, he awoke with terrible pain in both his head and his butt. There were no covers on his backside, and his wife was staring at him from across the room. "You were drunk again last night," she said, indignately.

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly over at her and replied, "What a mean thing to say! You know i stopped drinking. I can't believe you think i was drunk last nite."

"Well, let's see," she said, "you left the front door open, there's broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the carpet smells like whiskey, there are drops of blood trailing through the house, and your eyes are bloodshot........and then there's all those little band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs."

Been Thinkin

[BeenThinkin]

Country Wisdom......

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court
building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt
Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a
building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Been Thinkin

[BeenThinkin]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are.....

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

And finally, be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance.


Been Thinkin

[BeenThinkin]

Last one for today......

I'll probably get run out of town after this one!!!

Joke for men:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!

Been Thinkin