Signs of a Controlling Church<<< - Page 13

Emma Bontrager · #**121** 02-01-2013, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StillStanding

Sometime I like being controlled! (if you know what I mean!)

You are scary. True Christians never need controlling. The Holy Ghost within us just seeps to the outside, leading us in all the right ways and in all the right paths, such as getting rid of your coffee table.

KeptByTheWord · #**122** 02-01-2013, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma Bontrager

We are having a REVIVAL!

This is thrilling! Although stealing is not okay, even for horses. You will have to walk for the time being. Or call Amanah. She will give you a ride.

Sis. Emma. I must confess... I can't do without my neighbor's horses. And Amanah lives way on the other side of town. Too much trouble for her to bother with me. I'm sure you'll excuse and overlook the fact that I've stolen two horses to make it to church on Sunday, because I HAVE quit my gossiping.... my coffee table is all burnt up now. Made just a lovely fire indeed.

Oh, and something else ... (please promise to keep this a secret)... but I think that Ms. Cindy wore her hair down last week, instead a bun and covering... but don't let on to her that I said anything ....

Bless you sister for getting me straight on the pathway to them there pearly gates!

Emma Bontrager · #**123** 02-01-2013, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeptByTheWord

Sis. Emma. I must confess... I can't do without my neighbor's horses. And Amanah lives way on the other side of town. Too much trouble for her to bother with me. I'm sure you'll excuse and overlook the fact that I've stolen two horses to make it to church on Sunday, because I HAVE quit my gossiping.... my coffee table is all burnt up now. Made just a lovely fire indeed.

Oh, and something else ... (please promise to keep this a secret)... but I think that Ms. Cindy wore her hair down last week, instead a bun and covering... but don't let on to her that I said anything ....

Bless you sister for getting me straight on the pathway to them there pearly gates!

KBTW, you HAVE to do without them horses. You march your happy little self right back to your neighbor's house and confess before them and almighty God what a sinner you are for stealing them! We are a godly people, sister. We are no longer sinners but saints. We are saints and not aints. We won't stand for no stealin' nor gosspin'. Not now. Not ever.

All righty then. Now that we have that settled, I'm glad you burnt up your coffee table. That was just the outside manifestation on an inner condition. Now that you got rid of that outer manifestation I can see that the inner must be clean. Only those who are clean on the inside have the POWER, yeah I say the POWER to get rid of that uh coffee table uh. Because uh when you havea the POWER of the HOLY GHOST IN YOU, it will uh be manifested uh on the outside, I said the OUTSIDE uh.

WOOO. I feel the Holy Ghost in here.

As for Ms. Cindy, you best tell the bishop. No point in keeping secrets like that. That's not gossiping, that's fruit inspection, sister

navygoat1998 · #**124** 02-01-2013, 08:57 PM

Sister Emma what do I do? I think my wife is wearing powder on her face. I am worried about her soul. She is not shamed faced! While she is a sleep I pray over her in tongues but the dog starts barking and the cat looks at me like I am stupid. I think the cat has a demon but that's another story. Help me, what is a brother to do? Hey I know where you get horses cheap but you did not hear that from me.

AreYouReady? · #**125** 02-01-2013, 09:11 PM

I'm not joining.

KeptByTheWord · #**126** 02-01-2013, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AreYouReady?

I'm not joining.

Ya know... I'm having second thoughts too... surely there must be an easier way to get through them pearly gates.... why them horses, I just can't bear the thoughts of walking everywhere, and now I have no car AND no coffee table, and I can't even gossip anymore! What's a body to do without a little gossip for the spice of life?

And to go and talk to the bishop ... why he reminds me a little too much of Elder Epley here... in fact I think they may be twin brothers... I just can't do it... I just can't...

Are you SURE there's not an easier way to heaven then this? I mean the Bishop just scares me and Ms. Cindy... well... its not that important anyway about her bun. Forget I even said anything about it... ok?

And Sis. Emma - after you preached and prophesied, and.... spit all over me and messed up my bun... whew... I don't know how I can continue in this Apostolic business... I didn't know it was gonna get this hot n heavy....

Fiyahstarter · #**127** 02-01-2013, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fiyahstarter

One snowy Sunday evening, I saw an Amish buggy in a slippery WaWa parking lot -- and it was doing donuts! That poor horse didn't know which end was up...getting yanked all around. The steel wheels of that buggy were cutting through the packed snow, hitting the asphalt, and sparks were literally flying everywhere. I was pumping gas and was afeared I was gonna blow up!

There weren't no tag number on the back of that buggy, else'n I'da copied it down and given it to Emma ... she could'a straightened out them young bucks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emma Bontrager

What color was the horse? I think I know that guy.

The horse was jet black. And the buggy was.... uh, oh yea.... jet black. And the driver was wearing dark (perhaps jet black) clothing.

Oh, and he had a beard. Is that a good clue???

Fiyahstarter · #**128** 02-01-2013, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KeptByTheWord

Whew. I sure am glad I've found the right way to heaven... finally. And those two stolen horses will sure help me get to town quicker than walking. Praise God though, I'm on my way to heaven.

Gotta get yourself a sturdy buggy, too, to bring back your goods when you go dealing in town.

(Warning: Don't be taking no shortcuts through WaWa parking lot and doing donuts. Word has it through Randy Wayne that the Amish mafia is on the lookout for a black horse and buggy with two young bucks at the reins!)

AreYouReady? · #**129** 02-01-2013, 10:09 PM

A buggy is too modern.

They better go find a roman chariot.

Emma Bontrager · #**130** 02-02-2013, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by navygoat1998

Sister Emma what do I do? I think my wife is wearing powder on her face. I am worried about her soul. She is not shamed faced! While she is a sleep I pray over her in tongues but the dog starts barking and the cat looks at me like I am stupid. I think the cat has a demon but that's another story. Help me, what is a brother to do? Hey I know where you get horses cheap but you did not hear that from me.

First thing you need to do is determine if, in fact, she is wearing powder or if that is some leftover flour from baking. If you do determine that it is face powder like the Jezebel kind, then there is only one thing do to. If she is wearing powder, the cat has a demon and it's her fault. Cast the demon out of the cat and your wife will stop wearing the face powder. Otherwise, the cat may just be constipated. In that case, castor oil is a good fix. Godspeed to you, brother. And if there is anything cheap to be found, I will find it.