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UPC CattyKism ;-)
Q1: What is the chief end of man?
A1: To go to heaven.
Q2: And what rule hath God given to direct us how we may go to heaven?
A2: Obeyactstwothirtyeight
Q3: What doth obeyactstwothirtyeight principally teach?
A3: That we may be saved by repenting, being baptized in Jesus name, and speaking in tongues
Q4: What if I die before I have completed all three of these requirements?
A4: Then thou wilt go to hell
Q5: What if my pastor hath a lisp and saith "Jeshus" instead of "Jesus" at the moment of my baptism?
A5: Then thou wilt go to hell
Q6: What if I complete all these requirements, but sin once more right before death without opportunity to repent?
A6: Then thou wilt go to hell
Q7: Is there no mercy in the heart of God for those who desire to keep His commands but die at unfortunate moments?
A7: None, but rather they shall burn in everlasting fire and torment forever and ever, and the demons shall feast upon their souls.
Q8: What is God?
A8: God is a powerful force that we might control if we practice enough and learn all the rules
Q9: Are there more Gods than one?
A9: Thou art going to hell for even asking that question.
Q10: What are the decrees of God?
A10: The decrees of God are that all shall obey the pastor and that women shall wear skirts
Q11: What if the church holdeth a picnic at a park and the women want to play wiffleball? Might a woman wear pants then for the sake of modesty?
A11: Women shall not play wiffleball. God hath ordained that only men shall play wiffleball.
Q12: What then shall the women do?
A12: Women shall stand in a small group apart from the men and exchange tips on stopping runs in pantyhose.
Q13: What hath God commanded that we call the pastor?
A13: God hath commanded that all His people shall refer to their pastor as the "Man of God" or "the Lord's Anointed".
Q14: And what shall we do if the pastor falls into sin?
A14: If he doth keep his evil deeds mostly hidden, then thou shalt regard all accusation of wrongdoing as lies, for as the scripture saith, all words must be established by two or three witnesses. Thou shalt round that number up to twenty or thirty witnesses, just to be on the safe side.
Q15 What shall we do if the pastor is as dumb as a rock and commits evil deeds in the sight of the entire church?
A15: Then thou shalt not bring any action against him, because he is the Lord's Anointed and the scriptures have decreed that thou shalt not touch the Lord's anointed. Instead , thou shalt accuse laypersons of tempting the pastor to sin and cast them from the church. Then thou shalt declare the matter closed and refuse to speak of it again. Anyone who persists in bringing it up shall be called a bitter and rebellious troublemaker and shall be forced to repent at the altar before the entire congregation in order to escape the fires of hell.
Q16: If the bitter and rebellious backslider repents at the altar before the congregation, is the matter closed?
A16: Of course not, but rather punishment shall be revisited upon him at every prayer meeting and church service for a year or more, and then periodically as the pastor deems necessary.
Q17: That doesn't seem fair.
A17: Dost thou dare to question a Man of God? Repent, before Satan drags thy soul to hell!
B1 (appearing at A's elbow): Thou wouldst do well to heed A. He is a fourth generation Pentecostal! Thou art not worthy to shine his shoes!
Q18: How do I repent?
A18: In the sight of the entire congregation, thou must run to the steps leading to the stage where the pastor is standing (we call this the "altar") and fling thyself upon them, weeping and begging loudly for forgiveness.
Q19: For how long?
A19: As long as the organ keeps playing "Power in the Blood" or until thou dost faint from exhaustion, whichever comes first.
Q20: Thou hast got to be kidding me.
A20: Prepare thyself and work up some tears quickly. I hear the organ playing.
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God has lavished his love upon me.
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